Millie Rosa

Hi. I would like to reply to a couple of issues that have been discussed recently. In regards to "swinging to the opposite extreme," I discovered some time ago that this has happened to me. Because I was brought up under excessive control and was subjected to humiliating beatings and punishments (for example, when I began menstruating I put soiled underwear to soak in the sink in my own personal bathroom and my dad held my head and rubbed my face in them), I was determined that I would raise my children differently. I thought I was using "positive parenting," but actually I was being permissive. This is a struggle for me, but I am trying to learn firmness.

And the other thing is this issue w allowing children time w grandparents who were questionable in their parenting. We are very isolated, and there are few people in our lives who love my son. I have struggled since my son's birth on allowing him much time w my parents. Will's other grandma recently died and I just cannot bear to totally deprive him of grandparents. However, he will not be left w them...I tried it once; told them I would return in under two hours and they were gone when I returned. Neither my mom or dad would answer their cell phones. For four hours I could not get in touch w them. My son was exclusively breastfed at the time and they did not have any of my milk. I was a mess and when they brought him back to me they acted like I was totally irrational and ridiculous to be so upset. It took me a long time to get over this, and like I say, I will NEVER leave him w them again...but I do bring him by to visit. However, last week at lunch w my mom she made a
statement in front of my son which I just cannot get over. She has a huge problem w the fact that my 2 year old still nurses. And she is entitled to her opinion and I will debate w her privately. But in front of Will she stated to me "You know they will take him away from you for that." I think that this is unacceptable...I imagine that statement would be terribly frightening to him (he showed no reaction) and I am seriously considering cutting relations w my mom over this. I don't want to be petty or ridiculous and am trying to be forgiving but it really pissed me off and I have not gotten over it yet! But anyway, I was trying to say that I can certainly understand someone having trouble in denying their children access to their grandparents, even when these same grandparents have made (highly) questionable decisions in the past.

BTW, thanks Tuck, for the excellent suggestion regarding teaching time. I did just what you suggested and Will is so grateful to now be able to read the clocks.

I'm really enjoying this list. Thanks!
Millie


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary Mapel

Thanks Julie, my sentiments exactly!!!!!!!

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>
> There are 2 messages in this issue.
>
> Topics in this digest:
>
> 1. Re: autonomous learning? vs. protecting
> From: "J. Stauffer" <jnjstau@...>
> 2. Re: autonomous learning? vs. protecting
> From: "J. Stauffer" <jnjstau@...>
>
>
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
> Message: 1
> Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 15:00:47 -0500
> From: "J. Stauffer" <jnjstau@...>
> Subject: Re: autonomous learning? vs. protecting
>
> <<<<< This seems way too harsh to me.
> >
> > We can't keep our kids from every known or
> suspected danger, and if we ID
> a
> > few we think are dangerous, we might totally miss
> the ones who ARE.>>>>>
>
> In the state of Texas, allowing a known pedophile
> access to your children is
> called failure to protect and they can take your
> kids away from you for it.
>
> Ask any therapist what they think the recidivism
> rate of pedophilia is and
> they will state a number close to 100%.
>
> Pedophiles aren't a possible danger. They are a
> very real danger. Allowing
> your child to spend time with a pedophile is no
> different than allowing them
> to play on a freeway. It isn't a matter of if the
> man will attempt
> something, it is when.
>
> <<<< Better to help the children be alert for
> discomfort and give them tools
> to
> > get out of the situation, I think. >>>>
>
> Of course. But even if my kids were adept at dodge
> ball, I still wouldn't
> encourage them to play on a freeway.
>
> Julie S.---who used to work with pedophiles
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: <SandraDodd@...>
> To: <[email protected]>
> Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 11:26 AM
> Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] autonomous learning?
> vs. protecting
>
>
> >
> > In a message dated 5/25/04 8:52:31 AM,
> jnjstau@... writes:
> >
> > << You're asking our advice on your son developing
> a relationship with a
> known
> >
> > pedophile? Someone who you yourself were unable
> to protect yourself from?
> >
> >
> > <<You have got to be kidding. >>
> >
> > This seems way too harsh to me.
> >
> > We can't keep our kids from every known or
> suspected danger, and if we ID
> a
> > few we think are dangerous, we might totally miss
> the ones who ARE.
> >
> > Better to help the children be alert for
> discomfort and give them tools to
> > get out of the situation, I think.
> >
> > A grandson's situation isn't like a daughter's
> situation. MUCH more
> unlike
> > than like. And the daughter didn't have anywhere
> to go, 30 years ago.
> The
> > grandson does. The daughter was intimidated. The
> grandson will have a
> "do not
> > intimidate me" force field put there by mom for
> now and himself as he
> grows
> > into it.
> >
> > Sandra
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Yahoo! Groups Links
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
>
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
> Message: 2
> Date: Tue, 25 May 2004 15:06:04 -0500
> From: "J. Stauffer" <jnjstau@...>
> Subject: Re: autonomous learning? vs. protecting
>
> <<<<< Why would he believe that if his parents don't
> do it, he's told it's
> not
> > okay, and he can call to come home at any
> time?>>>>
>
> We are talking about a 3 year old.
>
> <<<< A man who hugged his daughter nastily but never
> pressed to the point of
> full
> > blown molestation is NOT necessarily a candidate
> for messing with a little
> boy
> > thirty years later. Sexuality isn't a
> homogenous thing, "once-nasty,
> > altogether-nasty.">>>
>
> I would say he is a DEFINITE candidate.
>
> Julie S.
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: <SandraDodd@...>
> To: <[email protected]>
> Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2004 12:36 PM
> Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] autonomous learning?
> vs. protecting
>
>
> >
> > In a message dated 5/25/04 11:03:12 AM,
> ambdkf@... writes:
> >
> > << If someone who is brought into the family as
> > supposedly trusting and loving begins to fondle
> him, he might believe it
> is
> > normal and sanctioned. >>
> >
> > Why would he believe that if his parents don't do
> it, he's told it's not
> > okay, and he can call to come home at any time?
> >
> > -=-I think the force field is great for everyday
> but it seems a bit like
> > tossing a child into a gun fight and saying 'but
> he's wearing his bullet
> > proof vest'. -=-
> >
> > A man who hugged his daughter nastily but never
> pressed to the point of
> full
> > blown molestation is NOT necessarily a candidate
> for messing with a little
> boy
> > thirty years later. Sexuality isn't a
> homogenous thing, "once-nasty,
> > altogether-nasty."
> >
> > Sandra
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Yahoo! Groups Links
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
>
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
________________________________________________________________________
>
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
> [email protected]
>
>
>
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>
>





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