Parenting In The Positive Article
[email protected]
I'm happy to post it, thanks, Sandra! Here it is; hope it's insightful. The
link is to a slightly rougher version and may not be active for a few days.
This was originally created to help give parents who punish their children tools
to handle things differently. I was asked to keep it short but could've went
on for pages! It's commonsense that most people who subscribe to attachment
parenting philosophies are already doing...but I do find myself rerreading as a
reminder~:)
http://www.stophitting.org/disathome/parentinginthepositive.php
Parenting In The Positive
By Debbie Rose
As parents and caregivers I'm sure we can agree that we want to do what is
best for our children. If we really search our hearts and are honest we learn
that hurting a child, no matter the intention, is not truly in the best interest
of the child. Nor is "punishment." But we're at a loss. What's the
alternative? Most of us simply know of no other way.
The following are suggestions that have been especially helpful to families,
perhaps one just like yours, and they are beneficial for the whole family.
· Be trustworthy. Keep your word and do your best to keep agreements.
· Be a "safe" person your child can talk with and confide in.
· Eliminate from your life whatever you can that takes your patience away
from your child.
· Practice stress release techniques. Paint, write, walk, breathe. Make sure
you're staying hydrated and drinking enough water. When you're feeling well,
you're in a better position to think clearly and be there for your child.
· Be respectful, kind and supportive of one another. Be courteous. Say
"please" and "thank you."
· Allow all family members (including toddlers) to contribute to the welfare
of the family. This empowers everyone and helps them feel they belong. Make it
fun and not a "chore."
· Teach children to respect their bodies (spanking and/or hitting them is not
teaching respect for their bodies). Allow the word "no" to be an acceptable,
okay and safe word in your family. In a dangerous situation both could save
your child's life.
· Discover and celebrate your child's unique gifts and hidden talents. We're
all different and unique; it's what makes us special.
· A daily dose of love goes a long way. Give your child hugs and say, "I love
you," every day.
· When a child "acts out" they are asking, (sometimes begging) for your
acknowledgment, love and attention. It's up to you as the parent to figure out
what's going on and why.
· Have family meetings where everyone's voice is welcome and heard (including
babies). Keep them a pleasant and safe space where anything can be discussed.
· Take care of yourself. Give yourself "me" time. Whether it's a fifteen
minute bath everyday, a moment to take a "time-out" or "cool-down" for a few deep
breaths when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed or an hour massage once
a month. Whatever is nurturing for you.
· Establish a family ritual such as a daily evening stroll after dinner or a
weekly pizza and game night. These are what create enjoyable, loving and
lasting memories and give everyone something to look forward to as a family.
· Remember that children learn about the world around them from us. Not
really by what we say but by what we do. What example are you setting?
· Always be on the lookout for ways to empower your child instead of taking
their power away.
· Catch your child being "good" and express your appreciation. Remain mindful
that there really is no such thing as a "bad" child.
· Talk, talk, talk. Find out what's going on. Truly listen and care. Talk
with; not at and no lectures.
· Strive to have a family where everyone is equal, including babies and
younger children. We're all humans worthy of acknowledgment, dignity and respect.
· Provide an environment where it's safe to feel and explore all feelings.
It's how we express those feelings that may be appropriate or inappropriate.
Make sure your child knows it is okay to have and experience all emotions.
· Know your child's developmental level. They may not be emotionally or
neurologically capable of behaving how you are expecting them to behave.
· Diet matters. Too much sugar, caffeine (i.e. cola drinks and chocolate) and
junk food can cause anyone to feel grumpy, impatient or overwhelmed.
· Provide positive opportunities for expressing and processing emotions.
Offer art supplies, musical instruments, your child's favorite CD's and something
to play them on, books, paper…whatever they're into and find helpful in order
to express themselves safely. Encourage and suggest tactile, interactive
activities such as gardening, water play, making mud pies, looking at cloud
formations, having a picnic under a tree or going for a walk.
· Provide a safe space your child can retreat to that's all their own. It
doesn't have to be a whole room, just a comfy, cozy spot where they can go to
relax and unwind preferably with some favorite, comforting things nearby. A safe
retreat to go to can help shift the focus away from a situation that feels
overwhelming or that has become too stressful to resolve in the moment and is
just nice to have at any time.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. There are many more in the
resources listed below and elsewhere. The bottom line is that children who are
forced to live in an environment where they are under the threat of physical
punishment, shame, humiliation or any other form of punishment are, on some
level, existing in a constant state of fear. They are always in survival mode. Not
an ideal place for a child to be.
Would you prefer to teach your children through fear or through love? There
is no such thing as "loving punishment." Would you like to provide an
atmosphere of constant fear or to provide a kind, loving and safe home? The choice is
up to you.
The following is a list of resources I have found helpful.
Being Happy! A Handbook to Greater Confidence and Security, by Andrew
Matthews.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish.
The Natural Child Project - an award winning website with an absolute
treasure-trove of information including free, inspirational parenting cards you can
try online.
www.naturalchild.org
The Positive Discipline Series of books, by Dr. Jane Nelsen.
www.positivediscipline.com
www.onionhead.com - a fun interactive site dedicated to helping people of all
ages process emotions constructively.
www.coloringtherapy.com - information and products on the healing benefits of
color therapy.
For Christians who feel they must discipline for religious reasons:
www.parentinginjesusfootsteps.org - suggestions and resources on how to be a
Christian parent without punishing.
Debbie Rose is an editor and writer. She is a single, stay-at-home, and
homeschooling mom and mother to her wonderfully inquisitive, magical and energetic
son, Shane. They live in Santa Fe, New Mexico with their many dogs, cats and
fish. She can be reached through her website www.supercoolbooks.com or at
rosybluestar@....
Originally created for The Center For Effective Discipline,
www.stophitting.org. The author and the CFED grant permission to reprint and distribute in
entirety.
In a message dated 5/24/04 12:09:13 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
link is to a slightly rougher version and may not be active for a few days.
This was originally created to help give parents who punish their children tools
to handle things differently. I was asked to keep it short but could've went
on for pages! It's commonsense that most people who subscribe to attachment
parenting philosophies are already doing...but I do find myself rerreading as a
reminder~:)
http://www.stophitting.org/disathome/parentinginthepositive.php
Parenting In The Positive
By Debbie Rose
As parents and caregivers I'm sure we can agree that we want to do what is
best for our children. If we really search our hearts and are honest we learn
that hurting a child, no matter the intention, is not truly in the best interest
of the child. Nor is "punishment." But we're at a loss. What's the
alternative? Most of us simply know of no other way.
The following are suggestions that have been especially helpful to families,
perhaps one just like yours, and they are beneficial for the whole family.
· Be trustworthy. Keep your word and do your best to keep agreements.
· Be a "safe" person your child can talk with and confide in.
· Eliminate from your life whatever you can that takes your patience away
from your child.
· Practice stress release techniques. Paint, write, walk, breathe. Make sure
you're staying hydrated and drinking enough water. When you're feeling well,
you're in a better position to think clearly and be there for your child.
· Be respectful, kind and supportive of one another. Be courteous. Say
"please" and "thank you."
· Allow all family members (including toddlers) to contribute to the welfare
of the family. This empowers everyone and helps them feel they belong. Make it
fun and not a "chore."
· Teach children to respect their bodies (spanking and/or hitting them is not
teaching respect for their bodies). Allow the word "no" to be an acceptable,
okay and safe word in your family. In a dangerous situation both could save
your child's life.
· Discover and celebrate your child's unique gifts and hidden talents. We're
all different and unique; it's what makes us special.
· A daily dose of love goes a long way. Give your child hugs and say, "I love
you," every day.
· When a child "acts out" they are asking, (sometimes begging) for your
acknowledgment, love and attention. It's up to you as the parent to figure out
what's going on and why.
· Have family meetings where everyone's voice is welcome and heard (including
babies). Keep them a pleasant and safe space where anything can be discussed.
· Take care of yourself. Give yourself "me" time. Whether it's a fifteen
minute bath everyday, a moment to take a "time-out" or "cool-down" for a few deep
breaths when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed or an hour massage once
a month. Whatever is nurturing for you.
· Establish a family ritual such as a daily evening stroll after dinner or a
weekly pizza and game night. These are what create enjoyable, loving and
lasting memories and give everyone something to look forward to as a family.
· Remember that children learn about the world around them from us. Not
really by what we say but by what we do. What example are you setting?
· Always be on the lookout for ways to empower your child instead of taking
their power away.
· Catch your child being "good" and express your appreciation. Remain mindful
that there really is no such thing as a "bad" child.
· Talk, talk, talk. Find out what's going on. Truly listen and care. Talk
with; not at and no lectures.
· Strive to have a family where everyone is equal, including babies and
younger children. We're all humans worthy of acknowledgment, dignity and respect.
· Provide an environment where it's safe to feel and explore all feelings.
It's how we express those feelings that may be appropriate or inappropriate.
Make sure your child knows it is okay to have and experience all emotions.
· Know your child's developmental level. They may not be emotionally or
neurologically capable of behaving how you are expecting them to behave.
· Diet matters. Too much sugar, caffeine (i.e. cola drinks and chocolate) and
junk food can cause anyone to feel grumpy, impatient or overwhelmed.
· Provide positive opportunities for expressing and processing emotions.
Offer art supplies, musical instruments, your child's favorite CD's and something
to play them on, books, paper…whatever they're into and find helpful in order
to express themselves safely. Encourage and suggest tactile, interactive
activities such as gardening, water play, making mud pies, looking at cloud
formations, having a picnic under a tree or going for a walk.
· Provide a safe space your child can retreat to that's all their own. It
doesn't have to be a whole room, just a comfy, cozy spot where they can go to
relax and unwind preferably with some favorite, comforting things nearby. A safe
retreat to go to can help shift the focus away from a situation that feels
overwhelming or that has become too stressful to resolve in the moment and is
just nice to have at any time.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. There are many more in the
resources listed below and elsewhere. The bottom line is that children who are
forced to live in an environment where they are under the threat of physical
punishment, shame, humiliation or any other form of punishment are, on some
level, existing in a constant state of fear. They are always in survival mode. Not
an ideal place for a child to be.
Would you prefer to teach your children through fear or through love? There
is no such thing as "loving punishment." Would you like to provide an
atmosphere of constant fear or to provide a kind, loving and safe home? The choice is
up to you.
The following is a list of resources I have found helpful.
Being Happy! A Handbook to Greater Confidence and Security, by Andrew
Matthews.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish.
The Natural Child Project - an award winning website with an absolute
treasure-trove of information including free, inspirational parenting cards you can
try online.
www.naturalchild.org
The Positive Discipline Series of books, by Dr. Jane Nelsen.
www.positivediscipline.com
www.onionhead.com - a fun interactive site dedicated to helping people of all
ages process emotions constructively.
www.coloringtherapy.com - information and products on the healing benefits of
color therapy.
For Christians who feel they must discipline for religious reasons:
www.parentinginjesusfootsteps.org - suggestions and resources on how to be a
Christian parent without punishing.
Debbie Rose is an editor and writer. She is a single, stay-at-home, and
homeschooling mom and mother to her wonderfully inquisitive, magical and energetic
son, Shane. They live in Santa Fe, New Mexico with their many dogs, cats and
fish. She can be reached through her website www.supercoolbooks.com or at
rosybluestar@....
Originally created for The Center For Effective Discipline,
www.stophitting.org. The author and the CFED grant permission to reprint and distribute in
entirety.
In a message dated 5/24/04 12:09:13 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
[email protected] writes:
> Subject: Re: Re: need advice[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
> In a message dated 5/23/04 9:53:12 PM, Rosybluestar@... writes:
>
> <<I recently wrote an article that you may find helpful. It was created for
> a
> nonprofit that educates parents and schools on alternatives to hitting, but
> there are some tips and more sources you might find helpful. Email me and
> I'm
> happy to send it to you. >>
>
> If you want to post it or put a link on the list (if it's online) that would
>
> be fine with me!
>
> Sandra
> the list-owner-person