[AlwaysLearning] Quitting Things (Kinda Long)
Pam
-------Original Message-------
From: [email protected]
Date: 04/13/04 21:13:28
To: alwayslearning
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Quitting Things (Kinda Long)
Hi Folks,
I apologize for being so behind on this thread. I took a little break from
reading my digests. I have been preoccupied with Fabric lately - dyeing,
quilting, making clothes, coveting more fabric...
I read the digest for the 5th of April and just had to write. I guess a
light bulb lit up over my head <G>. Quitting things has been a major source
of upset in our family for years. Quitting was thrown in my face a bunch as
I was growing up, so of course I felt it was something I should guard
against with our child. I too would attempt to coax, wheedle, shame, show
logic, whatever - our sensitive daughter to stick with many activities over
the years. The ones that come to mind are violin lessons, girl's soccer,
Irish dance, Hula, and most of all SCHOOL!
In looking over some of the reflections from you folks and chewing over some
of mine, I came to the opinion that our daughter is amazing. She is teaching
me to unschool. Her clarity about the personal value of any class or group
activity has always been there. In the early years when she was still in
school alternative programs; fear, illness and anxiety were the tools she
had available to exit from an uncomfortable situation.
Soccer had the same issues for us that I see reiterated here - letting the
team down, making a commitment, not being a quitter. In a few years she
wanted to rejoin the team, but the coach was not interested because he
needed girls who come to every game. The number of players allowed on each
team was strictly regulated. Actual consequences in the real world I suppose
I never was able to force her to go to anything once she decided not to go.
Her clarity and ability to see into other people's hidden agendas gives her
a strength of will that was evident from her first years. She has way more
persistence on these issues than I can manage and now I understand that that
is so much to the good. Some activities fit for her, or fit for a while,
and others just don't. At first she couldn't articulate about the details in
her desire to quit things. She would say she didn't know why, but she just
couldn't be there anymore - or at least not when she was tired or ill. If I
pushed, tension and tears and anger were the menu for the rest of the day.
After we had been homeschool people for several months, she wanted to quit
Irish dance. I went through all my litany of obstacles to leaving it behind:
the money invested in classes & costumes, the great homeschool families in
our dance group, not being a quitter (of course), the opportunities to
perform regularly. Her response was, "Mom, I thought when we became
homeschoolers the idea was I would try new things and have new experiences.
Just because I did the dance for a while doesn't mean I always have to do it
Why can't I quit this? I loved it for a while, but now it doesn't feel good
to be there." The growing tensions between the parent group and the teachers
was some of the source of her discomfort there. I felt stunned and proud and
a bit angry too I guess. She was better at getting the homeschooling
mindset than I was <G>.
In a later conversation about dance I expressed my sadness at not seeing
those nice families every week. I enjoyed chatting with the moms. Our sweet
child said firmly to me, "You need to have friends that are not dependant on
my activities!"
In looking back at these sorts of upsets, I see a pattern of my unconscious
personal need to have a child who is liked and respected and even admired. I
pull a thread in these dramas and see a connection raveling down the
generations. I was shamed to be a quitter, thus I, ever so obediently
attempted to shame my child into not being a quitter. I see her now, (maybe
on a hilltop silhouetted in the sunlight) standing firm - in her self worth
- in her self awareness - making choices and finding energy to pursue her
own challenges. Hooray!!!
Thanks for your sharing you guys, and allowing me the space to get a little
clearer on how strong and wonderful our daughter has always been.
Unschooling on purpose rather than thru lack of organization, and reading
all the emails and just being full of trust and respect for some months now
is great (and sometimes difficult). Our daughter seems to be finding new
perspective and confidence. Old hidden memories of the unhappy tensions and
boredom and pain in her school years are slowly surfacing. The guilt and
shame she experienced over leaving school is gradually clearing up. Deep
sigh...
Thanks for sharing your journeys,
Sheri
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
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[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: [email protected]
Date: 04/13/04 21:13:28
To: alwayslearning
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Quitting Things (Kinda Long)
Hi Folks,
I apologize for being so behind on this thread. I took a little break from
reading my digests. I have been preoccupied with Fabric lately - dyeing,
quilting, making clothes, coveting more fabric...
I read the digest for the 5th of April and just had to write. I guess a
light bulb lit up over my head <G>. Quitting things has been a major source
of upset in our family for years. Quitting was thrown in my face a bunch as
I was growing up, so of course I felt it was something I should guard
against with our child. I too would attempt to coax, wheedle, shame, show
logic, whatever - our sensitive daughter to stick with many activities over
the years. The ones that come to mind are violin lessons, girl's soccer,
Irish dance, Hula, and most of all SCHOOL!
In looking over some of the reflections from you folks and chewing over some
of mine, I came to the opinion that our daughter is amazing. She is teaching
me to unschool. Her clarity about the personal value of any class or group
activity has always been there. In the early years when she was still in
school alternative programs; fear, illness and anxiety were the tools she
had available to exit from an uncomfortable situation.
Soccer had the same issues for us that I see reiterated here - letting the
team down, making a commitment, not being a quitter. In a few years she
wanted to rejoin the team, but the coach was not interested because he
needed girls who come to every game. The number of players allowed on each
team was strictly regulated. Actual consequences in the real world I suppose
I never was able to force her to go to anything once she decided not to go.
Her clarity and ability to see into other people's hidden agendas gives her
a strength of will that was evident from her first years. She has way more
persistence on these issues than I can manage and now I understand that that
is so much to the good. Some activities fit for her, or fit for a while,
and others just don't. At first she couldn't articulate about the details in
her desire to quit things. She would say she didn't know why, but she just
couldn't be there anymore - or at least not when she was tired or ill. If I
pushed, tension and tears and anger were the menu for the rest of the day.
After we had been homeschool people for several months, she wanted to quit
Irish dance. I went through all my litany of obstacles to leaving it behind:
the money invested in classes & costumes, the great homeschool families in
our dance group, not being a quitter (of course), the opportunities to
perform regularly. Her response was, "Mom, I thought when we became
homeschoolers the idea was I would try new things and have new experiences.
Just because I did the dance for a while doesn't mean I always have to do it
Why can't I quit this? I loved it for a while, but now it doesn't feel good
to be there." The growing tensions between the parent group and the teachers
was some of the source of her discomfort there. I felt stunned and proud and
a bit angry too I guess. She was better at getting the homeschooling
mindset than I was <G>.
In a later conversation about dance I expressed my sadness at not seeing
those nice families every week. I enjoyed chatting with the moms. Our sweet
child said firmly to me, "You need to have friends that are not dependant on
my activities!"
In looking back at these sorts of upsets, I see a pattern of my unconscious
personal need to have a child who is liked and respected and even admired. I
pull a thread in these dramas and see a connection raveling down the
generations. I was shamed to be a quitter, thus I, ever so obediently
attempted to shame my child into not being a quitter. I see her now, (maybe
on a hilltop silhouetted in the sunlight) standing firm - in her self worth
- in her self awareness - making choices and finding energy to pursue her
own challenges. Hooray!!!
Thanks for your sharing you guys, and allowing me the space to get a little
clearer on how strong and wonderful our daughter has always been.
Unschooling on purpose rather than thru lack of organization, and reading
all the emails and just being full of trust and respect for some months now
is great (and sometimes difficult). Our daughter seems to be finding new
perspective and confidence. Old hidden memories of the unhappy tensions and
boredom and pain in her school years are slowly surfacing. The guilt and
shame she experienced over leaving school is gradually clearing up. Deep
sigh...
Thanks for sharing your journeys,
Sheri
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]