Quitting Things (Kinda Long)
Bob Iyall
Hi Folks,
I apologize for being so behind on this thread. I took a little break from reading my digests. I have been preoccupied with Fabric lately - dyeing, quilting, making clothes, coveting more fabric...
I read the digest for the 5th of April and just had to write. I guess a light bulb lit up over my head <G>. Quitting things has been a major source of upset in our family for years. Quitting was thrown in my face a bunch as I was growing up, so of course I felt it was something I should guard against with our child. I too would attempt to coax, wheedle, shame, show logic, whatever - our sensitive daughter to stick with many activities over the years. The ones that come to mind are violin lessons, girl's soccer, Irish dance, Hula, and most of all SCHOOL!
In looking over some of the reflections from you folks and chewing over some of mine, I came to the opinion that our daughter is amazing. She is teaching me to unschool. Her clarity about the personal value of any class or group activity has always been there. In the early years when she was still in school alternative programs; fear, illness and anxiety were the tools she had available to exit from an uncomfortable situation.
Soccer had the same issues for us that I see reiterated here - letting the team down, making a commitment, not being a quitter. In a few years she wanted to rejoin the team, but the coach was not interested because he needed girls who come to every game. The number of players allowed on each team was strictly regulated. Actual consequences in the real world I suppose.
I never was able to force her to go to anything once she decided not to go. Her clarity and ability to see into other people's hidden agendas gives her a strength of will that was evident from her first years. She has way more persistence on these issues than I can manage and now I understand that that is so much to the good. Some activities fit for her, or fit for a while, and others just don't. At first she couldn't articulate about the details in her desire to quit things. She would say she didn't know why, but she just couldn't be there anymore - or at least not when she was tired or ill. If I pushed, tension and tears and anger were the menu for the rest of the day.
After we had been homeschool people for several months, she wanted to quit Irish dance. I went through all my litany of obstacles to leaving it behind: the money invested in classes & costumes, the great homeschool families in our dance group, not being a quitter (of course), the opportunities to perform regularly. Her response was, "Mom, I thought when we became homeschoolers the idea was I would try new things and have new experiences. Just because I did the dance for a while doesn't mean I always have to do it. Why can't I quit this? I loved it for a while, but now it doesn't feel good to be there." The growing tensions between the parent group and the teachers was some of the source of her discomfort there. I felt stunned and proud and a bit angry too I guess. She was better at getting the homeschooling mindset than I was <G>.
In a later conversation about dance I expressed my sadness at not seeing those nice families every week. I enjoyed chatting with the moms. Our sweet child said firmly to me, "You need to have friends that are not dependant on my activities!"
In looking back at these sorts of upsets, I see a pattern of my unconscious personal need to have a child who is liked and respected and even admired. I pull a thread in these dramas and see a connection raveling down the generations. I was shamed to be a quitter, thus I, ever so obediently attempted to shame my child into not being a quitter. I see her now, (maybe on a hilltop silhouetted in the sunlight) standing firm - in her self worth - in her self awareness - making choices and finding energy to pursue her own challenges. Hooray!!!
Thanks for your sharing you guys, and allowing me the space to get a little clearer on how strong and wonderful our daughter has always been. Unschooling on purpose rather than thru lack of organization, and reading all the emails and just being full of trust and respect for some months now is great (and sometimes difficult). Our daughter seems to be finding new perspective and confidence. Old hidden memories of the unhappy tensions and boredom and pain in her school years are slowly surfacing. The guilt and shame she experienced over leaving school is gradually clearing up. Deep sigh...
Thanks for sharing your journeys,
Sheri
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I apologize for being so behind on this thread. I took a little break from reading my digests. I have been preoccupied with Fabric lately - dyeing, quilting, making clothes, coveting more fabric...
I read the digest for the 5th of April and just had to write. I guess a light bulb lit up over my head <G>. Quitting things has been a major source of upset in our family for years. Quitting was thrown in my face a bunch as I was growing up, so of course I felt it was something I should guard against with our child. I too would attempt to coax, wheedle, shame, show logic, whatever - our sensitive daughter to stick with many activities over the years. The ones that come to mind are violin lessons, girl's soccer, Irish dance, Hula, and most of all SCHOOL!
In looking over some of the reflections from you folks and chewing over some of mine, I came to the opinion that our daughter is amazing. She is teaching me to unschool. Her clarity about the personal value of any class or group activity has always been there. In the early years when she was still in school alternative programs; fear, illness and anxiety were the tools she had available to exit from an uncomfortable situation.
Soccer had the same issues for us that I see reiterated here - letting the team down, making a commitment, not being a quitter. In a few years she wanted to rejoin the team, but the coach was not interested because he needed girls who come to every game. The number of players allowed on each team was strictly regulated. Actual consequences in the real world I suppose.
I never was able to force her to go to anything once she decided not to go. Her clarity and ability to see into other people's hidden agendas gives her a strength of will that was evident from her first years. She has way more persistence on these issues than I can manage and now I understand that that is so much to the good. Some activities fit for her, or fit for a while, and others just don't. At first she couldn't articulate about the details in her desire to quit things. She would say she didn't know why, but she just couldn't be there anymore - or at least not when she was tired or ill. If I pushed, tension and tears and anger were the menu for the rest of the day.
After we had been homeschool people for several months, she wanted to quit Irish dance. I went through all my litany of obstacles to leaving it behind: the money invested in classes & costumes, the great homeschool families in our dance group, not being a quitter (of course), the opportunities to perform regularly. Her response was, "Mom, I thought when we became homeschoolers the idea was I would try new things and have new experiences. Just because I did the dance for a while doesn't mean I always have to do it. Why can't I quit this? I loved it for a while, but now it doesn't feel good to be there." The growing tensions between the parent group and the teachers was some of the source of her discomfort there. I felt stunned and proud and a bit angry too I guess. She was better at getting the homeschooling mindset than I was <G>.
In a later conversation about dance I expressed my sadness at not seeing those nice families every week. I enjoyed chatting with the moms. Our sweet child said firmly to me, "You need to have friends that are not dependant on my activities!"
In looking back at these sorts of upsets, I see a pattern of my unconscious personal need to have a child who is liked and respected and even admired. I pull a thread in these dramas and see a connection raveling down the generations. I was shamed to be a quitter, thus I, ever so obediently attempted to shame my child into not being a quitter. I see her now, (maybe on a hilltop silhouetted in the sunlight) standing firm - in her self worth - in her self awareness - making choices and finding energy to pursue her own challenges. Hooray!!!
Thanks for your sharing you guys, and allowing me the space to get a little clearer on how strong and wonderful our daughter has always been. Unschooling on purpose rather than thru lack of organization, and reading all the emails and just being full of trust and respect for some months now is great (and sometimes difficult). Our daughter seems to be finding new perspective and confidence. Old hidden memories of the unhappy tensions and boredom and pain in her school years are slowly surfacing. The guilt and shame she experienced over leaving school is gradually clearing up. Deep sigh...
Thanks for sharing your journeys,
Sheri
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kay Alina
Thank you Sheri. Hooray for you on your level of awareness and sharing your journey here! Hooray for your daughter and living her truth! Hooray for unschooling!
Kay
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kay
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]