Nanci Kuykendall

>On this same topic...anyone have any suggestions on
>how to help the younger brother who can never beat
>his older brother? I have been talking with Jason
>about keeping Kyle's feelings in mind, but he is
>very competitive and does not want to let his little
>brother to win. I try to play with Kyle several times
>a day so that he can beat me, but I feel so bad for
>him sometimes...he gets frustrated and calls himself
>a loser. It has gotten so Kyle goes through phases
of not wanting to play anything
>with Jason..card games, board games, they even fight
>over winning cooperative board games!
>Stephanie E.

With my boys, we throw games in there with chance
components. If the game is all or mostly chance, you
cannot win by being older and more skillful. That
gives Alex (5) a chance to shine and be the winner
sometimes against Thomas' (7) greater experience.
Thomas is hyper competitive too, and throws a fit when
he loses, so it can be tricky. Train dice is a good
one, it's special dice with train engines and cars on
the different sides, and you get varying points for
varying combinations, or any dice games like that.
I've seen a game I want to get called Basket Full of
Pigs, or something like that, where you throw little
rubber pigs instead of dice. Sometimes I will also
just play a game with Alex when Thomas is otherwise
occupied, and let Alex win if he wants to.

I have another related problem also, if anyone has
experience, or advice to offer. I would LOVE to stand
aside and let the boys work out their differences when
it comes to their disagreements when they are playing.
The only problem is that Thomas has impulse control
issues and other issues that lead most confrontations
to get violent. As soon as Alex starts getting loud
in a conflict, asserting himself, Thomas hits or kicks
him. He usually feels badly about it, and shouts out
an apology as Alex runs off crying to get comfort from
us. We've talked to him about it a lot of times, too
many times, and talked to Alex about coming to get
help earlier if he feels threatened, or tried other
solutions. Nothing has really worked so far.

Thomas, because of his neurological issues, has a hard
time learning from cause and effect, and is not easy
to reason with either. If I hear a conflict
escalating, I try to go talk with them about it.
Often it is because Thomas took a toy of Alex' or that
Alex was playing with, and won't give it back. We try
to talk to him about empathy (how would you feel...)
and all sorts of things. We try to talk about
compromises, and about violence not being an ok way to
express his needs here, and so on and so forth.
Basically it all ends up feeling like we are policing
him, which I hate.

Thomas still will almost never give up the toy in
question, and most of the time does not even seem to
be hearing us talk to him. He basically has the
toddler mentality right now (If it's yours, it's mine.
If you are doing something cool with it, it's mine.
If I want it, it's mine. If I used to have it, it's
mine. etc) He will just keep repeating "But, I want
it." or "I think it's cool." Or somethng similar, as
though that is a justification for his behavior. Alex
is actually bigger than Thomas by a good amount of
weight and height, but he is a very gentle and
sensative person and does not like to resort to
violence, even to defend himself. I certainly don't
think he should have to, on a daily basis, with his
own family.

Does anyone else have a child that is non-neurotypical
(as Anne calls it, thanks Anne for that) who is not
respecting, and is even abusing, a sibling like this?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am really
tired of the battles, and of feeling like the Toy
Police, and of Alex acting helpless and being abused.
I don't want Alex to learn that we have to fight his
battles for him either.

Nanci K.

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/23/2004 3:22:50 PM Central Standard Time,
aisliin@... writes:
I have another related problem also, if anyone has
experience, or advice to offer. I would LOVE to stand
aside and let the boys work out their differences when
it comes to their disagreements when they are playing.
The only problem is that Thomas has impulse control
issues and other issues that lead most confrontations
to get violent. As soon as Alex starts getting loud
in a conflict, asserting himself, Thomas hits or kicks
him. He usually feels badly about it, and shouts out
an apology as Alex runs off crying to get comfort from
us. We've talked to him about it a lot of times, too
many times, and talked to Alex about coming to get
help earlier if he feels threatened, or tried other
solutions. Nothing has really worked so far.

~~~

You absolutely positively HAVE to protect your little one from your bigger
one. You CAN'T leave them to work things out. That teaches the older one that
might makes right, and the younger one that you don't mind if he's victimized.

We have a situation in one of our groups where a 3 yo with Down's syndrome
cannot resist the 12-18 month olds that are around him. He is only about an
inch taller than the babies and he is driven by some impulse to put headlocks on
these toddlers. Sometimes he wails away on their heads. He wraps his arms
around their faces and squeezes with his fingers in their eyes, etc. It's
horrible and frightening for the babies. It's impossible yet for him to remember
to "touch gently" each time, and the babies' mothers have finally asked that he
be taught not touch at all. So what we do is have an adult stand between him
and the babies as much as possible, or engage him or carry the babies when
necessary.

I think your older child has to be prevented from hurting your younger child,
and if that means you sit with them or near them when they're together, or
you tote the younger one with you when you leave the room, then you just do it.

Tuck


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Bill & Diane

This sounds GREAT for my kids! Where do you get it?

Oh! I just Googled. I think we'll be getting this soon. Thanks for the tip!

:-) Diane

>Train dice is a good
>one, it's special dice with train engines and cars on
>the different sides, and you get varying points for
>varying combinations, or any dice games like that.
>
>