time with kids
Jennifer and Scott Lynch
Dear Friends,
I am new on the whole journey of parenting (my dd is only 3 3/4) so of
course I am new on the unschooling journey as well. I am interested in
hearing people's opinions about how much and what kind of time they spend
with their kids. My daughter and I play all day every day. Obviously we go
and do stuff, she goes to gymnastics, we see friends etc. For the most
part, we are always together. Right now we like it that way. She still
isn't comfortable going to other people's houses without my husband or I
(except to go to my parents' house, she would stay there forever I think)
but we have people in when we can. We are lucky that so many of our friends
are homeschoolers so finding kids during the day time is not a problem. We
are definitely the "fun house" and "fun parents" in the neighborhood, kids
often cry when their parents say it is time to leave.
I have some friends so adamantly subscribe to the "benevolent neglect" form
of parenting. They lead their lives, their kids lead their lives (even very
young ones) and their paths intersect often but are not always together. On
the one hand I am often jealous of how independent their kids are. On the
other hand there aren't really any hobbies or jobs that I would rather be
pursuing. I keep the house running smoothly and am training for a marathon
but I don't have a paying job etc.
Of course these things depend on individuals and their families, I am just
curious to hear people's opinions on how much "kid" contact they think is
necessary/appropriate/desired and how much family time people spend. Should
I learn to knit? (hee hee) My dd will always be an only child, I think that
is why I think about this so much. I am also an only but I went to school.
I love this list and can't wait to hear what you all have to say!
Jen
I am new on the whole journey of parenting (my dd is only 3 3/4) so of
course I am new on the unschooling journey as well. I am interested in
hearing people's opinions about how much and what kind of time they spend
with their kids. My daughter and I play all day every day. Obviously we go
and do stuff, she goes to gymnastics, we see friends etc. For the most
part, we are always together. Right now we like it that way. She still
isn't comfortable going to other people's houses without my husband or I
(except to go to my parents' house, she would stay there forever I think)
but we have people in when we can. We are lucky that so many of our friends
are homeschoolers so finding kids during the day time is not a problem. We
are definitely the "fun house" and "fun parents" in the neighborhood, kids
often cry when their parents say it is time to leave.
I have some friends so adamantly subscribe to the "benevolent neglect" form
of parenting. They lead their lives, their kids lead their lives (even very
young ones) and their paths intersect often but are not always together. On
the one hand I am often jealous of how independent their kids are. On the
other hand there aren't really any hobbies or jobs that I would rather be
pursuing. I keep the house running smoothly and am training for a marathon
but I don't have a paying job etc.
Of course these things depend on individuals and their families, I am just
curious to hear people's opinions on how much "kid" contact they think is
necessary/appropriate/desired and how much family time people spend. Should
I learn to knit? (hee hee) My dd will always be an only child, I think that
is why I think about this so much. I am also an only but I went to school.
I love this list and can't wait to hear what you all have to say!
Jen
AM Brown
I can't wait to hear responses to this thread. I fall on the opposite end
of the poster but only recently, as my children have gotten older. (Now 4
and 6) They wake up and literally play ALL day together until midnight
each night. For the most part, they don't want me around for it. When
they do, they ask. It is not that I am off pursuing my own life, my life
used to revolve around having two young kids close together. Now they just
have their own things to do. During a typical (really no such thing) day,
we might play a game a cards, read a book, watch a show, help with a
computer game or go outside together but even with these things the balance
of their day is spent just playing with each other or friends. We are the
'fun house' too the one no one wants to leave. I think it has to do with
their not being adults hanging over them directing the play and it is just
a fun space:) I find when I do interject myself, uninvited, into their
play it changes it and not for the better. So I really just let them lead
the way and ask for what they need. I don't consider this 'benevolent
neglect' but I wonder if an outsider looking in would . I think there
might be a perception of they should be 'learning' something or be directed
more. While it has been a strange transition for me (the hands on 24/7
life of toddlers and babies), it has also be amazing watching them learn so
much and grow and change without intervention.
Anyway, I can't wait to hear what others think. On some lists, I see the
huge lists of exciting 'activities' they do with their children on a daily
basis and I wonder if I'm missing the boat but we have a peaceful, happy
life. I am interested in feed back though.
Anna
of the poster but only recently, as my children have gotten older. (Now 4
and 6) They wake up and literally play ALL day together until midnight
each night. For the most part, they don't want me around for it. When
they do, they ask. It is not that I am off pursuing my own life, my life
used to revolve around having two young kids close together. Now they just
have their own things to do. During a typical (really no such thing) day,
we might play a game a cards, read a book, watch a show, help with a
computer game or go outside together but even with these things the balance
of their day is spent just playing with each other or friends. We are the
'fun house' too the one no one wants to leave. I think it has to do with
their not being adults hanging over them directing the play and it is just
a fun space:) I find when I do interject myself, uninvited, into their
play it changes it and not for the better. So I really just let them lead
the way and ask for what they need. I don't consider this 'benevolent
neglect' but I wonder if an outsider looking in would . I think there
might be a perception of they should be 'learning' something or be directed
more. While it has been a strange transition for me (the hands on 24/7
life of toddlers and babies), it has also be amazing watching them learn so
much and grow and change without intervention.
Anyway, I can't wait to hear what others think. On some lists, I see the
huge lists of exciting 'activities' they do with their children on a daily
basis and I wonder if I'm missing the boat but we have a peaceful, happy
life. I am interested in feed back though.
Anna
>
pmteet
The younger kids 6,and 7 spend most of the morning in the livingroom
working on projects then they disappear into the room and play
together.
Amanda 12 likes her new room. As i stated in a previous post she
LOVES Pirates of the Caribeam She watches it EVERY day. I REALLY do
not want to see it that much. BUT she will pu it on and do some of
her algebra. She worked on it 4 hours last sunday.
That is ok When we are together we have fun.
Michelle
working on projects then they disappear into the room and play
together.
Amanda 12 likes her new room. As i stated in a previous post she
LOVES Pirates of the Caribeam She watches it EVERY day. I REALLY do
not want to see it that much. BUT she will pu it on and do some of
her algebra. She worked on it 4 hours last sunday.
That is ok When we are together we have fun.
Michelle
Pam Hartley
----------
hours with her, too, by her choice (she likes a lot of human contact).
When my younger daughter was born, after Mikey grew up enough to be
interesting, the two girls became best friends and they neither need nor
want me involved in their games all the time. So some of the day I spend
doing things with them, and some I spend doing other things (my own hobbies,
my home business). Because my husband also works at home, they have him to
spend time with, too.
People have differing needs and wants in how much time they spend with
others and how much time they spend alone. Brit rarely enjoys time alone,
Mikey seems to need it daily.
I take my cue from them, they're pretty good about letting me know, verbally
and not, when I'm needed or wanted.
Pam
>From: Jennifer and Scott Lynch <j.slynch@...>When my oldest was an only child for 3 years, I spent most of her waking
>To: always learning <[email protected]>
>Subject: [AlwaysLearning] time with kids
>Date: Tue, Jan 20, 2004, 10:16 AM
>
> I have some friends so adamantly subscribe to the "benevolent neglect" form
> of parenting. They lead their lives, their kids lead their lives (even very
> young ones) and their paths intersect often but are not always together. On
> the one hand I am often jealous of how independent their kids are. On the
> other hand there aren't really any hobbies or jobs that I would rather be
> pursuing. I keep the house running smoothly and am training for a marathon
> but I don't have a paying job etc.
hours with her, too, by her choice (she likes a lot of human contact).
When my younger daughter was born, after Mikey grew up enough to be
interesting, the two girls became best friends and they neither need nor
want me involved in their games all the time. So some of the day I spend
doing things with them, and some I spend doing other things (my own hobbies,
my home business). Because my husband also works at home, they have him to
spend time with, too.
People have differing needs and wants in how much time they spend with
others and how much time they spend alone. Brit rarely enjoys time alone,
Mikey seems to need it daily.
I take my cue from them, they're pretty good about letting me know, verbally
and not, when I'm needed or wanted.
Pam
Tia Leschke
>Just curious. Did she choose to do algebra? Completely, with no pressure?
>Amanda 12 likes her new room. As i stated in a previous post she
>LOVES Pirates of the Caribeam She watches it EVERY day. I REALLY do
>not want to see it that much. BUT she will pu it on and do some of
>her algebra. She worked on it 4 hours last sunday.
I'm only asking because some of your other responses make it seem that you
don't really understand unschooling and trusting kids to make their own
decisions.
Tia
pmteet
Yes it was her choice. She asked her cousin what he was learning in
High School so She wanted to do it. I choose the books only because
they were the only ones I could afford. She is VERY particular and
she likes to write IN the books so a library boook is out of the
question. We are on a VERY tight budget.
She does it and scores it herself. I barely even look at it except
the AWFUL times she wants me to explain something to her. It is hard
after being out of school for so long.
Michelle
High School so She wanted to do it. I choose the books only because
they were the only ones I could afford. She is VERY particular and
she likes to write IN the books so a library boook is out of the
question. We are on a VERY tight budget.
She does it and scores it herself. I barely even look at it except
the AWFUL times she wants me to explain something to her. It is hard
after being out of school for so long.
Michelle
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/20/04 2:10:53 PM, j.slynch@... writes:
<< I am just
curious to hear people's opinions on how much "kid" contact they think is
necessary/appropriate/desired and how much family time people spend. >>
Having come to unschooling from La Leche League and attachment parenting, I
can't imagine you could spend too much time with her unless she go to the point
that she was clearly indicating that she wanted some privacy or distance.
It is interesting, this social pioneering, because most people who stay with
their kids all day every day figure it will "have to" end when kindergarten or
first grade kicks in (whichever is compulsory in that area). In the absence
of that, there's just continuation of the same fun stuff, at an ever more
sophisticated level.
Now that my kids are 12, 14 and 17, sometimes I go hours without being right
with any of them. Sometimes I got a whole day with one, most likely Holly.
I drove Marty to ice skating a while ago, a 40 minute drive each way. Holly
went just for the ride. Tonight when Kirby gets back from karate, he and I
will watch 24. That's our last remaining definite weekly appointment. Now
that he drives, I miss the talks we had when I took him to work or to karate.
When I was Kirby's age, though, I was off at college. So I'm glad for the time
we do spend together. (And that hour's not the only time, but it's the only
reserved Kirby-and-mom time with nobody else.)
If it goes gradually from all to occasional over the course of 18 or 20
years, that seems to me to be about the right way. <g>
Sandra
<< I am just
curious to hear people's opinions on how much "kid" contact they think is
necessary/appropriate/desired and how much family time people spend. >>
Having come to unschooling from La Leche League and attachment parenting, I
can't imagine you could spend too much time with her unless she go to the point
that she was clearly indicating that she wanted some privacy or distance.
It is interesting, this social pioneering, because most people who stay with
their kids all day every day figure it will "have to" end when kindergarten or
first grade kicks in (whichever is compulsory in that area). In the absence
of that, there's just continuation of the same fun stuff, at an ever more
sophisticated level.
Now that my kids are 12, 14 and 17, sometimes I go hours without being right
with any of them. Sometimes I got a whole day with one, most likely Holly.
I drove Marty to ice skating a while ago, a 40 minute drive each way. Holly
went just for the ride. Tonight when Kirby gets back from karate, he and I
will watch 24. That's our last remaining definite weekly appointment. Now
that he drives, I miss the talks we had when I took him to work or to karate.
When I was Kirby's age, though, I was off at college. So I'm glad for the time
we do spend together. (And that hour's not the only time, but it's the only
reserved Kirby-and-mom time with nobody else.)
If it goes gradually from all to occasional over the course of 18 or 20
years, that seems to me to be about the right way. <g>
Sandra
Sylvia Toyama
Along this topic, the last local news story -- on right before the nat'l news I was waiting for -- was about how important it is to eat dinner with your kids every night. A study showed that kids who have family dinner at least 4 times a week have better social schools, are healthier and apparently happier. The story went on to say, that if you find you're too busy to actually cook dinner, it's okay to pick up something to bring home, but you still really should eat at the table together. These stories have always rubbed me the wrong way, but I never really thought about why. We're not devoted family dinner people -- Gary works late many days, and the boys get hungry before he gets home. Besides, at the end of the day apart, it's really nice to have dinner without the kids some days. With us, it's more likely to be Friday late dinner, and weekend breakfast. Gary and I both grew up with family dinner every night -- he as an only child, I as the family cook and housekeeper.
Our memories of family dinner aren't exactly brimming with joy.
Tonight, I figured out why we're not dinner devotees. We don't have to be! We spend all kinds of time with the kids. They sleep with us at least part of the night, we hang out all weekend (no busy soccer weekends here) I'm home with them every day, because they're not in school, they can stay up late enough to greet Gary when he gets home late. Who needs a strict dinner routine when you have all day, every day? Those silly stories are meant for the schoolers who get almost no time with their kids. Who, as a result of social indoctrination, don't know how to connect with their kids without instructions from the TV news. Of course, that's also the same crowd the commercials about 'connect 4 kids.com' pitch to -- yanno, the ones where Mom and Dad grill the kid about SAT questions during dinner, and do stupid puppet shows about Lewis & Clark. The advertisers -- and other powers that be -- have managed to convince most parents that they aren't smart enough to care for a pet snail,
much less a complicated child!
okay, rant over.... sometimes it just hits me so clearly that I can't believe others don't see it!
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Our memories of family dinner aren't exactly brimming with joy.
Tonight, I figured out why we're not dinner devotees. We don't have to be! We spend all kinds of time with the kids. They sleep with us at least part of the night, we hang out all weekend (no busy soccer weekends here) I'm home with them every day, because they're not in school, they can stay up late enough to greet Gary when he gets home late. Who needs a strict dinner routine when you have all day, every day? Those silly stories are meant for the schoolers who get almost no time with their kids. Who, as a result of social indoctrination, don't know how to connect with their kids without instructions from the TV news. Of course, that's also the same crowd the commercials about 'connect 4 kids.com' pitch to -- yanno, the ones where Mom and Dad grill the kid about SAT questions during dinner, and do stupid puppet shows about Lewis & Clark. The advertisers -- and other powers that be -- have managed to convince most parents that they aren't smart enough to care for a pet snail,
much less a complicated child!
okay, rant over.... sometimes it just hits me so clearly that I can't believe others don't see it!
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sylvia Toyama
A study showed that kids who have family dinner at least 4 times a week have better social schools, are healthier and apparently happier.
****
that should have read... have better social skills, do better in school, are healthier....
I really need to take the time to proof....
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
****
that should have read... have better social skills, do better in school, are healthier....
I really need to take the time to proof....
Sylvia
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jane Van Benthusen
When my 14 year old was curious about Algebra my husband was able to
explain the basic concepts and help him understand it. Maybe you could
encourage her to find someone to help that doesn't think it's awful. We
didn't need a textbook or spend any money. There is a lot of info. on the
web too. :) HTH's, Jane
P.S. FYI, ALL CAPS IS SHOUTING.
explain the basic concepts and help him understand it. Maybe you could
encourage her to find someone to help that doesn't think it's awful. We
didn't need a textbook or spend any money. There is a lot of info. on the
web too. :) HTH's, Jane
P.S. FYI, ALL CAPS IS SHOUTING.
----- Original Message -----
From: "pmteet" <pmteet@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, January 20, 2004 4:42 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: time with kids
> Yes it was her choice. She asked her cousin what he was learning in
> High School so She wanted to do it. I choose the books only because
> they were the only ones I could afford. She is VERY particular and
> she likes to write IN the books so a library boook is out of the
> question. We are on a VERY tight budget.
>
> She does it and scores it herself. I barely even look at it except
> the AWFUL times she wants me to explain something to her. It is hard
> after being out of school for so long.
>
> Michelle
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> To visit your group on the web, go to:
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
>
> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
> http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/20/2004 8:12:20 PM Pacific Standard Time,
syltoyama@... writes:
We eat lunch and dinner together at the table most days. Number 1 is
excrutiatingly shy and it comes out as aloofness. Poor kid is desperate fro friends
but too shy to speak. Number 2 loves his computer and cat. Number 3 has a temper
that turns the air blue and makes suburban americans leave in droves ;-)
None of 'em ever 'study'.
I suppose they are healthy....
Shyrley, tongue in cheek
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
syltoyama@... writes:
> A study showed that kids who have family dinner at least 4 times a weekSo how come mine aren't paragons? huh? huh?
> have better social schools, are healthier and apparently happier.
>
> ****
>
> that should have read... have better social skills, do better in school, are
> healthier....
>
> I really need to take the time to proof....
>
> Sylvia
>
We eat lunch and dinner together at the table most days. Number 1 is
excrutiatingly shy and it comes out as aloofness. Poor kid is desperate fro friends
but too shy to speak. Number 2 loves his computer and cat. Number 3 has a temper
that turns the air blue and makes suburban americans leave in droves ;-)
None of 'em ever 'study'.
I suppose they are healthy....
Shyrley, tongue in cheek
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Fetteroll
on 1/21/04 7:55 AM, sblingle@... at sblingle@... wrote:
Joyce
> So how come mine aren't paragons? huh? huh?Ah, but imagine what they'd be like if you didn't eat together! ;-)
> We eat lunch and dinner together at the table most days. Number 1 is
> excrutiatingly shy and it comes out as aloofness. Poor kid is desperate fro
> friends
> but too shy to speak. Number 2 loves his computer and cat. Number 3 has a
> temper
> that turns the air blue and makes suburban americans leave in droves ;-)
> None of 'em ever 'study'.
> I suppose they are healthy....
>
> Shyrley, tongue in cheek
Joyce
[email protected]
> <<I am justI think every child and every situation would be different. I have, as
> curious to hear people's opinions on how much "kid" contact they think is
> necessary/appropriate/desired and how much family time people spend. >>
>
>
others, come from a relationship with my children based on meeting their needs,
attachment parenting. So both of my boys have been different. I am there when
they need me. That sometimes is high when they are sick or tired. And of
course the older they get the less they need me to be directly interacting with
them. We do play lots of games together, read, do crafts, go for walks in the
woods, go hiking, swimming etc. And I am always with them in that we are
within shouting distance and they can always come to me with questions and they
know I will stop quilting, gardening or whatever to come help or answer a
question or read a book, etc.
For us it all depends on the child, the situation and the day.
Pam G
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Barb Eaton
That's where I am now with my oldest. I'm really glad it took him so
long to get his drivers license. Maybe I should have encouraged him more to
just go get it but he wasn't pushing or asking. Maybe I was being selfish.
He did it in his own timing. We talk almost daily but it just not the same
as being in the car alone together.
As far as the other two. I am with them a lot playing games, talking ,
doing other stuff. My 14yo goes to his room for solitude and the new
computer has opened up gaming options he didn't have before. He's having a
blast. He calls me up to show me stuff all the time.
They all seek me out when they want me for anything. My 9yo has a lot of
his own thing to do himself too.I'm not a gamer even though I encourage the
play. He shows me stuff and I'm amazed. His Dad play on a daily basic with
him. They really get into Star Wars right now. James seeks me out just to
talk sometimes which is cool. I'm here and avalable the majority of the
time. Thing were so different when they were younger.
Barb E
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always
just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down
quietly, may alight upon you."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Author
Now
long to get his drivers license. Maybe I should have encouraged him more to
just go get it but he wasn't pushing or asking. Maybe I was being selfish.
He did it in his own timing. We talk almost daily but it just not the same
as being in the car alone together.
As far as the other two. I am with them a lot playing games, talking ,
doing other stuff. My 14yo goes to his room for solitude and the new
computer has opened up gaming options he didn't have before. He's having a
blast. He calls me up to show me stuff all the time.
They all seek me out when they want me for anything. My 9yo has a lot of
his own thing to do himself too.I'm not a gamer even though I encourage the
play. He shows me stuff and I'm amazed. His Dad play on a daily basic with
him. They really get into Star Wars right now. James seeks me out just to
talk sometimes which is cool. I'm here and avalable the majority of the
time. Thing were so different when they were younger.
Barb E
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always
just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down
quietly, may alight upon you."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne, Author
Now
> that he drives, I miss the talks we had when I took him to work or to karate.
> When I was Kirby's age, though, I was off at college. So I'm glad for the
> time
> we do spend together. (And that hour's not the only time, but it's the only
> reserved Kirby-and-mom time with nobody else.)
>
> If it goes gradually from all to occasional over the course of 18 or 20
> years, that seems to me to be about the right way. <g>
>
> Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/21/04 7:27:04 AM, homemama@... writes:
<< That's where I am now with my oldest. I'm really glad it took him so
long to get his drivers license. Maybe I should have encouraged him more to
just go get it but he wasn't pushing or asking. Maybe I was being selfish.
He did it in his own timing. We talk almost daily but it just not the same
as being in the car alone together. >>
Very same with Kirby. He took driver's ed when he was almost 17.
I don't want Marty to wait that long, partly because he's considering playing
ice hockey next season and I don't want to drive him back and forth to
practices. I have a very hard time watching sports or even being supportive of
groups sports like that. I fake it.
<< My 14yo goes to his room for solitude and the new
computer has opened up gaming options he didn't have before. He's having a
blast. He calls me up to show me stuff all the time.>>
I did spend a long time keeping up with Kirby's progress and discoveries on
Final Fantasy 10-2 or whatever it is. And Marty will recite whole long blocks
of what he's seen on a talk show or comedy routine. So they still have that
urge to show me what they think is cool, at 15 and 17 and that's pretty sweet.
Sandra
Sandra
<< That's where I am now with my oldest. I'm really glad it took him so
long to get his drivers license. Maybe I should have encouraged him more to
just go get it but he wasn't pushing or asking. Maybe I was being selfish.
He did it in his own timing. We talk almost daily but it just not the same
as being in the car alone together. >>
Very same with Kirby. He took driver's ed when he was almost 17.
I don't want Marty to wait that long, partly because he's considering playing
ice hockey next season and I don't want to drive him back and forth to
practices. I have a very hard time watching sports or even being supportive of
groups sports like that. I fake it.
<< My 14yo goes to his room for solitude and the new
computer has opened up gaming options he didn't have before. He's having a
blast. He calls me up to show me stuff all the time.>>
I did spend a long time keeping up with Kirby's progress and discoveries on
Final Fantasy 10-2 or whatever it is. And Marty will recite whole long blocks
of what he's seen on a talk show or comedy routine. So they still have that
urge to show me what they think is cool, at 15 and 17 and that's pretty sweet.
Sandra
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/20/2004 11:12:53 PM Eastern Standard Time,
syltoyama@... writes:
<<A study showed that kids who have family dinner at least 4 times a week
have better social schools, are healthier and apparently happier.>>
I don't think that would apply to unschooled children who spend so much more
time with their parents though!
--Jacqueline
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
syltoyama@... writes:
<<A study showed that kids who have family dinner at least 4 times a week
have better social schools, are healthier and apparently happier.>>
I don't think that would apply to unschooled children who spend so much more
time with their parents though!
--Jacqueline
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]