sharing tv
Stephanie Elms
Hi! I mostly lurk here (and love it) but I have to jump in about
sharing tv. My boys
are 6 and 3 and we just got a game cube 2 weeks ago. At first the whole
sharing thing
was driving me batty. But I decided that it was a sharing issue, not a
game cube issue
(like you). So I went back and re-read Siblings without Rivalry (great
book!)
They suggested taking yourself out of the argument by letting the kids
decide between
them. Since my kids are only 6 and 3, I have found that it helps if I
stay there
to help them walk through the discussion, BUT I do NOT make the decision
for them.
What I have been doing is stating what I see (I see 2 boys who both want
to play the
game cube) and asking them how they want to work it out. Sometimes they
say they
don't know, so I will help them out by saying, well, Jason is worried
that he will
never get a turn if Kyle starts playing...Kyle when will you let Jason
have a turn?
And go from there until they come up with something that works.
But the ultimate deal making is left to themselves. I also explain that
I am not
going to decide who gets to go, because I can't choose between them...if
I do then
one will be happy and one will be unhappy. But if they decide between
themselves
then they both will be happy (or it is not a good solution and they need
to keep
trying!)
I have been absolutely AMAZED at how well this has worked! I never
thought I would
see Jason (my 6 yo) *let* Kyle go first, but that is often how they work
it out.
It has helped in that Jason has learned that Kyle often wants to play
for a couple
of minutes and then will ask Jason to help. Also, since Jason has been
getting better
at letting Kyle play some, Kyle is not as possessive about his time on
the game cube
and is more likely to give the controller to Jason! And I have started
hearing them
work their problems out more rather then just grabbing the controller.
Not perfect
but a heck of a lot better then before!
What I really like about it is that I no longer have to figure out what
is "fair".
Because really, there is no "fair" in this situation...they both have an
equally fair
need to play their games as long as they want. By removing myself from
the decision
making process, I get to be more of a facilitator. I stay there to make
sure that
each boy gets heard (and help each of them put their feelings and
arguments into words).
I have used this approach with other things as well (including
disagreements with what
I want them to do) and it is amazing to watch it work. When I was
reading it, I
was a bit skeptical that it would work with my boys, but it has!
That said, I would also get another tv LOL! We have 2 big tvs...one in
the family
room, one in the living room, both with tivo/direct tv. And we have 2
smaller ones
in my craft room and dh's office without direct tv. Makes tv life much
easier!
Not only with making sharing easier, but it has taken away the urgency
to want to
watch because either boy can watch whatever they want whenever they
want.
I just read your second message...we do have the two tvs and believe it
or not, they
usually watch it together. We also have TIVO (digital recorder) and I
can't say
enough for it because it allows you to totally get away from the tv's
schedule! Basically
you can set it up to record all the shows you want and they are always
available. My
boys don't even know what times the shows are on...they just go into the
Now Showing
list and pick. They are also very selective about what shows they tape
which is cool
to see. I had many the same fears as you about running our life around
tv, but since
letting go of them, the tv has taken a less and less central role in our
life. It
is still there and on quite often, but we are doing lots of other things
as well.
Do you watch and enjoy shows with them? I have found if I am feeling
disconnected
from them, if I plop down on the couch with them we have some great
conversations
and we start getting into other things.
On a side note...since getting the game cube my dh has been spending a
lot more time
playing with the boys. At first it bummed me out that it was "only"
playing computer
games with them (he doesn't like reading to them and tends to be too
competitive to
play board games and have fun with them). But they are working on this
one game
(Starfox Adventures) together and it is so neat to watch. Planning
strategies, looking
up cheats together...and then the other night while they were playing it
turned out
into an all out wrestle match (a fun one) in our living room...so by
spending time
playing computer games, my dh's relationship with the boys in improving!
They have
been more willing to ask him to help them with things (that they used to
only come to
me for). Not to mention that I get an hour after dinner to do my yoga.
So you might
really be surprised what will happen when you start enjoying what they
enjoy. I
may not personally think that the games they play or all the shows they
watch are fun
(although many of them are!) but watching them enjoy themselves helps me
enjoy it too.
Hope that this helps! Sorry that this got so long...
Stephanie E.
sharing tv. My boys
are 6 and 3 and we just got a game cube 2 weeks ago. At first the whole
sharing thing
was driving me batty. But I decided that it was a sharing issue, not a
game cube issue
(like you). So I went back and re-read Siblings without Rivalry (great
book!)
They suggested taking yourself out of the argument by letting the kids
decide between
them. Since my kids are only 6 and 3, I have found that it helps if I
stay there
to help them walk through the discussion, BUT I do NOT make the decision
for them.
What I have been doing is stating what I see (I see 2 boys who both want
to play the
game cube) and asking them how they want to work it out. Sometimes they
say they
don't know, so I will help them out by saying, well, Jason is worried
that he will
never get a turn if Kyle starts playing...Kyle when will you let Jason
have a turn?
And go from there until they come up with something that works.
But the ultimate deal making is left to themselves. I also explain that
I am not
going to decide who gets to go, because I can't choose between them...if
I do then
one will be happy and one will be unhappy. But if they decide between
themselves
then they both will be happy (or it is not a good solution and they need
to keep
trying!)
I have been absolutely AMAZED at how well this has worked! I never
thought I would
see Jason (my 6 yo) *let* Kyle go first, but that is often how they work
it out.
It has helped in that Jason has learned that Kyle often wants to play
for a couple
of minutes and then will ask Jason to help. Also, since Jason has been
getting better
at letting Kyle play some, Kyle is not as possessive about his time on
the game cube
and is more likely to give the controller to Jason! And I have started
hearing them
work their problems out more rather then just grabbing the controller.
Not perfect
but a heck of a lot better then before!
What I really like about it is that I no longer have to figure out what
is "fair".
Because really, there is no "fair" in this situation...they both have an
equally fair
need to play their games as long as they want. By removing myself from
the decision
making process, I get to be more of a facilitator. I stay there to make
sure that
each boy gets heard (and help each of them put their feelings and
arguments into words).
I have used this approach with other things as well (including
disagreements with what
I want them to do) and it is amazing to watch it work. When I was
reading it, I
was a bit skeptical that it would work with my boys, but it has!
That said, I would also get another tv LOL! We have 2 big tvs...one in
the family
room, one in the living room, both with tivo/direct tv. And we have 2
smaller ones
in my craft room and dh's office without direct tv. Makes tv life much
easier!
Not only with making sharing easier, but it has taken away the urgency
to want to
watch because either boy can watch whatever they want whenever they
want.
I just read your second message...we do have the two tvs and believe it
or not, they
usually watch it together. We also have TIVO (digital recorder) and I
can't say
enough for it because it allows you to totally get away from the tv's
schedule! Basically
you can set it up to record all the shows you want and they are always
available. My
boys don't even know what times the shows are on...they just go into the
Now Showing
list and pick. They are also very selective about what shows they tape
which is cool
to see. I had many the same fears as you about running our life around
tv, but since
letting go of them, the tv has taken a less and less central role in our
life. It
is still there and on quite often, but we are doing lots of other things
as well.
Do you watch and enjoy shows with them? I have found if I am feeling
disconnected
from them, if I plop down on the couch with them we have some great
conversations
and we start getting into other things.
On a side note...since getting the game cube my dh has been spending a
lot more time
playing with the boys. At first it bummed me out that it was "only"
playing computer
games with them (he doesn't like reading to them and tends to be too
competitive to
play board games and have fun with them). But they are working on this
one game
(Starfox Adventures) together and it is so neat to watch. Planning
strategies, looking
up cheats together...and then the other night while they were playing it
turned out
into an all out wrestle match (a fun one) in our living room...so by
spending time
playing computer games, my dh's relationship with the boys in improving!
They have
been more willing to ask him to help them with things (that they used to
only come to
me for). Not to mention that I get an hour after dinner to do my yoga.
So you might
really be surprised what will happen when you start enjoying what they
enjoy. I
may not personally think that the games they play or all the shows they
watch are fun
(although many of them are!) but watching them enjoy themselves helps me
enjoy it too.
Hope that this helps! Sorry that this got so long...
Stephanie E.
Pam Hartley
I really hope you'll jump in whenever the whim strikes you! That post was a
real pleasure to read through. :)
Pam
----------
real pleasure to read through. :)
Pam
----------
>From: "Stephanie Elms" <stephanie.elms@...>
>To: <[email protected]>
>Subject: [AlwaysLearning] sharing tv
>Date: Thu, Nov 6, 2003, 5:19 AM
>
> Hi! I mostly lurk here (and love it) but I have to jump in about
> sharing tv.