RE: frustrated with family....
Retta Fontana
The mistake I've often made, is that I assume that people who's bodies are grown are adults. Actually, most people walking around are little kids acting as if they are adults. The only way I've found to remain at peace in the midst of such "sleeping" people is to adopt the same attitude with them that I do with my children. I strive to offer them the full welcome.
The "welcoming response" is the one most people give their children when they are learning to walk and talk:
FULL ENCOURAGEMENT
MUTUAL ENJOYMENT
NO MISTAKES � Falling down is part of the process
NO JUDGMENT � As they learn to walk we don�t say, �You walk funny� or label them as �clumsy.�
INNER MOTIVATION � They want to learn. They have a strong innate desire to grow in skill.
WE ARE NOT DELIBERATELY TEACHING THEM � They learn from our model.
WE TAKE CUES FROM THE CHILD � We don�t try to force them to walk before they are ready.
NO EXTERNAL REWARDS ARE NECESSARY � Learning and accomplishing are their own reward.
SUPPORT AND COMFORT ARE READILY AVAILABLE
FULL EXPECTATION OF SUCCESS � Barring disability, we have no doubt that they will learn to walk and talk.
BELIEF THAT CHILDREN ARE SELF CORRECTING � If a child says a word incorrectly, we have no doubt that they will eventually learn the correct work. We even enjoy the mispronouncing and think it is cute.
My dd's creations have lived on: "floaty delvation" (flotation device), "kitty chasm" (catechism). Don't you all remember your children's?
Anyway, this welcoming is quite irresistible. I'm convinced that it's what everyone is looking for in life. Almost everyone loses their full welcome before age 5, half at toilet training "time."
But what it is, it's an open heart that trusts life. Anyone who unschools already does this, we just need to extend it to all those "grown ups" in disguise. Since I began doing that, I've witnessed really hard core people change before my eyes. For instance, my mom, the know-it-all kill-joy of the 20th century, starting saying really tender things to me like, "I really like the way you look at me" because I was radiating the tenderness that I always wanted from her. It's also what she always wanted. Neither of us experienced it as long as I was trying to get it from her. Once I discovered my own capacity to give it under any circumstances, she began to reflect it back to me. I'm so happy - she's 83 and I don't know if she'll make it another year.
Trying to convince anyone of anything is usually futile, because it's a natural law of physics that any force creates its own counterforce. But an open, tender invitation is irresistable.
Fondly,
Retta
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The "welcoming response" is the one most people give their children when they are learning to walk and talk:
FULL ENCOURAGEMENT
MUTUAL ENJOYMENT
NO MISTAKES � Falling down is part of the process
NO JUDGMENT � As they learn to walk we don�t say, �You walk funny� or label them as �clumsy.�
INNER MOTIVATION � They want to learn. They have a strong innate desire to grow in skill.
WE ARE NOT DELIBERATELY TEACHING THEM � They learn from our model.
WE TAKE CUES FROM THE CHILD � We don�t try to force them to walk before they are ready.
NO EXTERNAL REWARDS ARE NECESSARY � Learning and accomplishing are their own reward.
SUPPORT AND COMFORT ARE READILY AVAILABLE
FULL EXPECTATION OF SUCCESS � Barring disability, we have no doubt that they will learn to walk and talk.
BELIEF THAT CHILDREN ARE SELF CORRECTING � If a child says a word incorrectly, we have no doubt that they will eventually learn the correct work. We even enjoy the mispronouncing and think it is cute.
My dd's creations have lived on: "floaty delvation" (flotation device), "kitty chasm" (catechism). Don't you all remember your children's?
Anyway, this welcoming is quite irresistible. I'm convinced that it's what everyone is looking for in life. Almost everyone loses their full welcome before age 5, half at toilet training "time."
But what it is, it's an open heart that trusts life. Anyone who unschools already does this, we just need to extend it to all those "grown ups" in disguise. Since I began doing that, I've witnessed really hard core people change before my eyes. For instance, my mom, the know-it-all kill-joy of the 20th century, starting saying really tender things to me like, "I really like the way you look at me" because I was radiating the tenderness that I always wanted from her. It's also what she always wanted. Neither of us experienced it as long as I was trying to get it from her. Once I discovered my own capacity to give it under any circumstances, she began to reflect it back to me. I'm so happy - she's 83 and I don't know if she'll make it another year.
Trying to convince anyone of anything is usually futile, because it's a natural law of physics that any force creates its own counterforce. But an open, tender invitation is irresistable.
Fondly,
Retta
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In a message dated 9/30/2003 3:45:16 AM Central Daylight Time,
rettafontana@... writes:
Trying to convince anyone of anything is usually futile, because it's a
natural law of physics that any force creates its own counterforce. But an open,
tender invitation is irresistable.
This is great stuff, Retta. Did you mention a book about this?
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
rettafontana@... writes:
Trying to convince anyone of anything is usually futile, because it's a
natural law of physics that any force creates its own counterforce. But an open,
tender invitation is irresistable.
This is great stuff, Retta. Did you mention a book about this?
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/30/03 2:45:29 AM, rettafontana@... writes:
<< For instance, my mom, the know-it-all kill-joy of the 20th century,
starting saying really tender things to me like, "I really like the way you look at
me" because I was radiating the tenderness that I always wanted from her. >>
That's cool, Retta.
The only person I had kinda done such a thing with (without having it clear
in my mind, as you've laid it out in words) was my sister, but she's easy,
because part of me will always see her as a little girl anyway.
I'll try it with other people.
Thanks.
Sandra
<< For instance, my mom, the know-it-all kill-joy of the 20th century,
starting saying really tender things to me like, "I really like the way you look at
me" because I was radiating the tenderness that I always wanted from her. >>
That's cool, Retta.
The only person I had kinda done such a thing with (without having it clear
in my mind, as you've laid it out in words) was my sister, but she's easy,
because part of me will always see her as a little girl anyway.
I'll try it with other people.
Thanks.
Sandra
Retta Fontana
No, no book yet. I'm trying to convince my teacher, the one who created the "Welcome" concept to write one. We have a lot of material, but he's not a writer. We have a discussion group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TGBW/ This teacher is the one who convinced me about unschooling.
Retta
"This is great stuff, Retta. Did you mention a book about this?
Tuck"
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Retta
"This is great stuff, Retta. Did you mention a book about this?
Tuck"
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