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Really nice post, Retta.

I find the same results---just being open and honest and sharing. I also have
a fifteen year old son; our relationship is envied by all his friends. And I
don't think it's that hard, so why is it seemingly impossible for his friends'
parents? And why would they risk that relationship and that trust?

~Kelly


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

averyschmidt

> I find the same results---just being open and honest and sharing.
I also have
> a fifteen year old son; our relationship is envied by all his
friends.

I would love to hear more about how you've cultivated this
relationship. Has it always been this way, or did you have rough
patches?

My oldest is only 10, but he's very independent and strong willed.
Good traits, yes, but I tend to be a worrier and have a hard time
finding the balance between accepting his desire to be on his own
and make his own decisions (like ride his bike everywhere, including
high traffic areas, without a helmet for example) and my very strong
need to protect him. It sometimes feels like protecting our
relationship is in direct conflict with protecting *him*.

Another example... there was a party at the beach near us the other
day that went on past dark... a very big party with bonfires etc.
The ocean was quite rough due to the aftermath of the hurricane, and
he was swimming and riding the waves while I was there during the
day to pay close attention in case he needed help. I needed to
leave after dark because my 4yo was tired and cranky and 10yo wanted
to stay with friends. That was fine with me, but one stipulation
was that I didn't want him to go back in the water again... the
combination of rough surf, no lifeguards, after dark, and the fact
that the only other adults he'd be in the presence of had been
drinking and were socializing and not paying attention was too much
for me. This resulted in a very tense argument between the two of
us, and I'm alarmed that these clashes are happening more frequently
as he gets older. The *most* alarming thing to me is his seeming
belief in his own invincibility.
What's a mother to do in these situations?

Patti

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In a message dated 9/23/03 6:54:30 AM, kbcdlovejo@... writes:

<< I also have
a fifteen year old son; our relationship is envied by all his friends. And I
don't think it's that hard, so why is it seemingly impossible for his
friends'
parents? And why would they risk that relationship and that trust?
>>

Frustrated mom moment:

Marty is at his third day/meeting/time of a newly organized homeschooled teen
get-together thing here. The first two times, I just dropped him off,
because Holly was with me and she's underage for that group. Once was at the mall
and once outside a movie theater. I saw the other moms, one I knew and others
I didn't, and I waved and smiled and drove off.

Today it was at someone else's house, a video game playing marathon thing. I
went in and hung out and introduced myself.

A mom I've known for some time was there, with her only child, a son who's
probably 14. He's very unhappy and has been since I've known him. He was taken
out of school for being bullied and for being profoundly unhappy. That was
seven years ago, at least.

I was having fun today until his mom started in on soda. He's only allowed
to have soda on weekends, because he needs a high protein diet and so they
don't let him have any soda on weekdays and if he has soda the sugar in it makes
him really sick.

She said that probably faster than it took any of you to read it.

I thanked the hostess warmly for having the kids over, and I left.

I wanted to say "Soda doesn't prevent a high protein diet from working, and
why is it okay for him to be sick on the weekends but not weekdays? What
difference does it make?

I've known her son half his life. He's not happier now than he was when I
met him. He might likely be happier now than he would be had he stayed in
school all that time.

I wouldn't be happy if I were him either.

His relationship with his mom isn't sensible and warm. COULD be.
Isn't.

Marty was already involved in setting up a four-player game in another room,
and will walk to Active Imagination afterwards, or call for a ride.

Holly's friend was walking up to the house as I got home. They're playing
Barbies.

Kirby has a friend up playing video games. In forty minutes, Kirby will
drive for the first time, by himself, to karate.

This morning we got his provisional license, and he's on the insurance now,
and today's the day he takes my van away and I stay here.

I trust his driving. I don't trust everyone else. He's never changed a
flat. He doesn't have a cell phone. That worries me some.

I feel the adrenaline in my elbows, from thinking about him driving alone.

I'm sure we'll both be fine. <g>

Sandra