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<< I love the way you talk about the teen stuff Sandra. It really helps to
remember that we have more tools (weapons if used wrong) and to "handicap"
ourselves to give our children room. I need to do that more NOW and be more
prepared when they hit the teens....I've only got one year, yikes!
>>

Thanks.

I know where I learned it, and I'll tell you.

Before Keith and I had kids, Keith said once that the only reason I won all
the arguments is that he wasn't allowed to use physical force. That if
physical force was legal and socially accepted, then HE would win all the
arguments, but since we're limited to verbal, I win, and that it doesn't mean
I'm always right, just that I argue better.

That kinda hurt. And it was true. So I quit winning all the arguments.
Maybe because I didn't want him to start pinning me to the ground until I
said "uncle," or worse. Maybe just because he was right and it wasn't fair.

So my friend Jeff (who incidently picked us up from a cold parking lot today
when the van broke down on the way back from our seeing The Lord of the
Rings) was getting married ten years or so ago. I told him the story of
Keith's argument, and told him that I had to consciously STOP arguing Keith
to the ground until he said "uncle" every time. And, I told Jeff, in his
case it would be much worse, because he was both physically AND verbally
superior to his wife-to-be, and that he would have to figure some way to give
her a chance to make her point.

So from there the awareness got tried out on various other situations, and
the advice was given in a few other instances, and my kids got older, and the
rest is future history.

BUT (the regular "but"): What if someone's really totally asking to be taken
down? THEN do I do it? What if someone is physically threatening one of our
children and words aren't stopping them? Does Keith use his formidable
physical force?

I still don't know the total answer to that question, when it's fair to
verbally pin someone.

Sandra

Joylyn

Sandra, these are really wise words, and I
need to think about them a lot. I too often
take people down verbally, but am finding my
match in my own 6 year old. I also win many
of the arguements with my husband simply
because I can. But shoudl I? That is the
question. I really need to think about these
words. Thank you.

Joylyn

SandraDodd@... wrote:

>
> << I love the way you talk about the teen
> stuff Sandra. It really helps to
> remember that we have more tools (weapons
> if used wrong) and to "handicap"
> ourselves to give our children room. I need
> to do that more NOW and be more
> prepared when they hit the teens....I've
> only got one year, yikes!
> >>
>
> Thanks.
>
> I know where I learned it, and I'll tell
> you.
>
> Before Keith and I had kids, Keith said
> once that the only reason I won all
> the arguments is that he wasn't allowed to
> use physical force. That if
> physical force was legal and socially
> accepted, then HE would win all the
> arguments, but since we're limited to
> verbal, I win, and that it doesn't mean
> I'm always right, just that I argue better.
>
> That kinda hurt. And it was true. So I
> quit winning all the arguments.
> Maybe because I didn't want him to start
> pinning me to the ground until I
> said "uncle," or worse. Maybe just because
> he was right and it wasn't fair.
>
> So my friend Jeff (who incidently picked us
> up from a cold parking lot today
> when the van broke down on the way back
> from our seeing The Lord of the
> Rings) was getting married ten years or so
> ago. I told him the story of
> Keith's argument, and told him that I had
> to consciously STOP arguing Keith
> to the ground until he said "uncle" every
> time. And, I told Jeff, in his
> case it would be much worse, because he was
> both physically AND verbally
> superior to his wife-to-be, and that he
> would have to figure some way to give
> her a chance to make her point.
>
> So from there the awareness got tried out
> on various other situations, and
> the advice was given in a few other
> instances, and my kids got older, and the
> rest is future history.
>
> BUT (the regular "but"): What if someone's
> really totally asking to be taken
> down? THEN do I do it? What if someone is
> physically threatening one of our
> children and words aren't stopping them?
> Does Keith use his formidable
> physical force?
>
> I still don't know the total answer to that
> question, when it's fair to
> verbally pin someone.
>
> Sandra
>
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