[email protected]

I have a question. My sons are really attached to this one friend. He is
about their age and they love to play together. He adores my boys and they
adore him. He is in school so we work around that and go over on the
weekends some times.

My question has to do with his family. We are friends with the boys parents
and his mother works in my husbands office so we see each other frequently.
She has been saying things like "you should leave Dallen and Phillip here
with us sometimes." "I have read that it is good for kids and the parents to
be away from each other." "Bring the boys over here when you are working on
the deck so they won't be in the way." Etc. I tell her that it isn't our
style of parenting. I never use baby-sitters. That is just how we do it.
My boys aren't in the way. We are a family and enjoy doing things as a
family and our relationship as a couple is just fine.

How do I handle her repeated remarks without hurting any feelings? I have
been trying to have her son over here more so the topic won't come up. She
has also started up with the team sports thing. Her son is 7 and in
tee-ball, basket ball, soccer etc. I tell her that my boys aren't interested
in that stuff. They do not like competitive sports. We were talking about
how the kids run in the wrong direction sometimes, etc., and I said "well it
is all in fun." She said no there are parents who take this stuff very
seriously and get mad at the kids etc. I responded ... that is part of the
reason that I am glad my boys aren't into that. She said that it is good for
kids to be on team sports and wants my boys to watch sometime so that they
will become interested.

I get the feeling that she thinks my boys are sheltered and I control
everything. I don't want to hurt any feelings and she still works for my DH.
But I want her to keep her mouth shut. I don't say anything about her
parenting style. I could say a lot. She spanks her son and threatens to all
the time. Another reason I would not let my boys be alone there.

Anyway this has gotten way too long and I am ranting now instead of asking
the question. Although the venting felt good.
Thanks for listening.
Pam G.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pam Hartley

> My question has to do with his family. We are friends with the boys parents
> and his mother works in my husbands office so we see each other frequently.
> She has been saying things like "you should leave Dallen and Phillip here
> with us sometimes." "I have read that it is good for kids and the parents to
> be away from each other." "Bring the boys over here when you are working on
> the deck so they won't be in the way." > How do I handle her repeated remarks
without hurting any feelings?

"Thanks! I promise if they're in our way or we need a break I'll give you a
call. I really appreciate the offer!" and then never call. :)

>She said that it is good for
> kids to be on team sports and wants my boys to watch sometime so that they
> will become interested.

"Thanks! I asked them and they don't want to go right now, maybe they'll
change their minds sometime, I'll let you know."

I got an "A" in Advanced Nodding & Smiling. <g>

Pam

Tia Leschke

> How do I handle her repeated remarks without hurting any feelings? I have
> been trying to have her son over here more so the topic won't come up.
She
> has also started up with the team sports thing. Her son is 7 and in
> tee-ball, basket ball, soccer etc. I tell her that my boys aren't
interested
> in that stuff. They do not like competitive sports. We were talking
about
> how the kids run in the wrong direction sometimes, etc., and I said "well
it
> is all in fun." She said no there are parents who take this stuff very
> seriously and get mad at the kids etc. I responded ... that is part of
the
> reason that I am glad my boys aren't into that. She said that it is good
for
> kids to be on team sports and wants my boys to watch sometime so that they
> will become interested.

My husband coaches kids' sports, and he really hates coaching kids who have
been made to play. It tends to ruin it for the rest of the team.
Competition of that kind is great for kids who like it.
Tia

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
saftety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin
leschke@...

BADOLBILZ

Pam, I have friends that are always offering to watch my girls. I don't
think there's any way to stop the offers without giving offense. I
always just kind of let it slide by without saying no, just not really
saying anything. After awhile, they kind of get the hint that it's just
not going to happen and they stop offering. Hopefully in your case the
sooner, the better. Heidi

genant2@... wrote:

>I have a question. My sons are really attached to this one friend. He is
>about their age and they love to play together. He adores my boys and they
>adore him. He is in school so we work around that and go over on the
>weekends some times.
>
>My question has to do with his family. We are friends with the boys parents
>and his mother works in my husbands office so we see each other frequently.
>She has been saying things like "you should leave Dallen and Phillip here
>with us sometimes." "I have read that it is good for kids and the parents to
>be away from each other." "Bring the boys over here when you are working on
>the deck so they won't be in the way." Etc. I tell her that it isn't our
>style of parenting. I never use baby-sitters. That is just how we do it.
>My boys aren't in the way. We are a family and enjoy doing things as a
>family and our relationship as a couple is just fine.
>
>How do I handle her repeated remarks without hurting any feelings? I have
>been trying to have her son over here more so the topic won't come up. She
>has also started up with the team sports thing. Her son is 7 and in
>tee-ball, basket ball, soccer etc. I tell her that my boys aren't interested
>in that stuff. They do not like competitive sports. We were talking about
>how the kids run in the wrong direction sometimes, etc., and I said "well it
>is all in fun." She said no there are parents who take this stuff very
>seriously and get mad at the kids etc. I responded ... that is part of the
>reason that I am glad my boys aren't into that. She said that it is good for
>kids to be on team sports and wants my boys to watch sometime so that they
>will become interested.
>
>I get the feeling that she thinks my boys are sheltered and I control
>everything. I don't want to hurt any feelings and she still works for my DH.
> But I want her to keep her mouth shut. I don't say anything about her
>parenting style. I could say a lot. She spanks her son and threatens to all
>the time. Another reason I would not let my boys be alone there.
>
>Anyway this has gotten way too long and I am ranting now instead of asking
>the question. Although the venting felt good.
>Thanks for listening.
>Pam G.
>
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
>[email protected]
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>
>
>
>
>
>

Pamela Sorooshian

I think you'll end up needing to say something to her - so it is better
to do it sooner, rather than later when something specific comes up
that really upsets you. If you wait, you might say things that come
between you permanently.

I'd find a good time - when you're feeling comfortable, and I'd say,
"You know, our kids sure do get along - they're all such great kids and
I'm so glad mine have your son as a friend." Kind of focus a bit on
that - let her respond and then kind of repeat yourself - say nice
things about the boys' friendships... Then, say, "I know we have a few
different ideas about parenting and I sure hope we never let that come
between us." Let her respond - then go on about how you think you
should each try really hard not to ever try to change each other's
parenting style, that that might come between you and that would be
sad, etc.

-pam

On Tuesday, April 8, 2003, at 04:04 PM, genant2@... wrote:

> I get the feeling that she thinks my boys are sheltered and I control
> everything. I don't want to hurt any feelings and she still works for
> my DH.
> But I want her to keep her mouth shut. I don't say anything about her
> parenting style. I could say a lot. She spanks her son and threatens
> to all
> the time. Another reason I would not let my boys be alone there.
>
> Anyway this has gotten way too long and I am ranting now instead of
> asking
> the question. Although the venting felt good.
> Thanks for listening.

BADOLBILZ

I agree. A very mature way to handle it. This is how I wish I would
handle things like that. Heidi

Pamela Sorooshian wrote:

>I think you'll end up needing to say something to her - so it is better
>to do it sooner, rather than later when something specific comes up
>that really upsets you. If you wait, you might say things that come
>between you permanently.
>
>I'd find a good time - when you're feeling comfortable, and I'd say,
>"You know, our kids sure do get along - they're all such great kids and
>I'm so glad mine have your son as a friend." Kind of focus a bit on
>that - let her respond and then kind of repeat yourself - say nice
>things about the boys' friendships... Then, say, "I know we have a few
>different ideas about parenting and I sure hope we never let that come
>between us." Let her respond - then go on about how you think you
>should each try really hard not to ever try to change each other's
>parenting style, that that might come between you and that would be
>sad, etc.
>
>-pam
>
>On Tuesday, April 8, 2003, at 04:04 PM, genant2@... wrote:
>
>
>
>>I get the feeling that she thinks my boys are sheltered and I control
>>everything. I don't want to hurt any feelings and she still works for
>>my DH.
>> But I want her to keep her mouth shut. I don't say anything about her
>>parenting style. I could say a lot. She spanks her son and threatens
>>to all
>>the time. Another reason I would not let my boys be alone there.
>>
>>Anyway this has gotten way too long and I am ranting now instead of
>>asking
>>the question. Although the venting felt good.
>>Thanks for listening.
>>
>>
>
>
>
>To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
>[email protected]
>
>
>
>Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
>
>
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/9/03 3:34:55 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
pamsoroosh@... writes:

> I'd find a good time - when you're feeling comfortable, and I'd say,
> "You know, our kids sure do get along - they're all such great kids and
> I'm so glad mine have your son as a friend." Kind of focus a bit on
> that - let her respond and then kind of repeat yourself - say nice
> things about the boys' friendships... Then, say, "I know we have a few
> different ideas about parenting and I sure hope we never let that come
> between us." Let her respond - then go on about how you think you
> should each try really hard not to ever try to change each other's
> parenting style, that that might come between you and that would be
> sad, etc.
>
>

pam, very nice way of putting it. Think I will try that.
Pam G.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/8/03 5:06:14 PM, genant2@... writes:

<< I get the feeling that she thinks my boys are sheltered and I control
everything. I don't want to hurt any feelings and she still works for my DH.
But I want her to keep her mouth shut. I don't say anything about her
parenting style. I could say a lot. She spanks her son and threatens to all
the time. Another reason I would not let my boys be alone there. >>

Instead of talking to her, can't you just talk to your boys?

If they WANT to be there, what's the worst that would happen? They might see
the other boy be spanked and he might cry. That would be pretty bad, but it
would probably keep your boys from ever even THINKING about spanking their
own kids. And they would appreciate their own home more.

If you prepare your boys with WHY a mom would press team sports (to justify
her own kid's activities, or whatever) and how it's perfectly FINE to just
smile, or to tell her straight out they're not interested in playing soccer
or whatever, it will be a strenghtening thing for them, and an empowering
thing.

Holly hangs around with a couple of families whose parenting practices I
question, but Holly sees it for what it is, and is pretty analytical.

There was an odd neighbor across the street who took care of his brother's
daughter and sometimes Holly played with them. I told a story last summer
about him telling the other girl NOT to get out of the swimming pool, and
Holly just finally getting out herself and fetching whatever toy or thing the
girl wanted. His name was Gary. He died on Thanksgiving. We were out of
town. We heard about it when we got back. He got sick the night before, went
to the hospital and died.

I'm a little relieved, sad to say. He was very, very odd. Sad for his
niece, whose dad has no idea how to relate to her and whose mom is who knows
where.

Just this morning Holly told me a story about one of her acting teachers
having told THEM a story. It was that when her son turned 21, he had asked
her to get him a Play Station, but she said "Of course I didn't, because he
was a grown man and didn't need a gaming system." I just looked at Holly
with big eyes, and she said "I know!" and laughed.

Holly sees it clearly as someone who is teaching kids, who never much cared
what her own child wanted, and when he plainly asked for something, decided
herself that he didn't need it. Even though he WAS at that point grown, she
was still deciding for him what he needed.

Sad.

So to roll back around to the question <g>
I think kids SHOULD see and be around some other kinds of families, with good
opportunities to discuss what they saw and heard and how they feel about it.

Sandra

Alan & Brenda Leonard

4/9/03 04:11:

> Pam, I have friends that are always offering to watch my girls. I don't
> think there's any way to stop the offers without giving offense. I
> always just kind of let it slide by without saying no, just not really
> saying anything. After awhile, they kind of get the hint that it's just
> not going to happen and they stop offering. Hopefully in your case the
> sooner, the better.

Here's the only problem I see as possible with letting it slide: since
virtually everybody does use babysitters, your friends may assume there's
some reason you don't trust them with your kids. That might hurt your
friendship in the long run.

It might be worth being honest with them by telling them, once, that you
don't use babysitters and you simply prefer to do things as a family. Sort
of the thanks, but no thanks reply. The next time she asks, it's very easy
for you to remind her that you don't do that. If she presses, remind her
that different parents do different things and are happy that way.

I have lots of people in the world who think I'm wierd, but at least I know
that they come by that belief truthfully rather than through mistaken
impressions.

brenda

Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema

>Interestingly, the father of this family made a unannounced visit to our
>family a few months later. We figured out that since his daughter (the pen
>pal) was not going to be "allowed" to work or attend school, he was scouting
>Chris out as a potential marriage partner!!!!


Ooooohhh, that's CREEPY!
HeidiWD



"I prefer a person who will burn the flag and wrap themselves in the
constitution to a person who will burn the constitution and wrap themselves
in the flag" --- Molly Ivins

[email protected]

> I think kids SHOULD see and be around some other kinds of families, with
> good
> opportunities to discuss what they saw and heard and how they feel about it.
>
>

When my oldest son, Chris, was about 18, he had the opportunity to visit a
pen pal's family for a week (they lived in VT and we lived in CA). He was a
child that was very home based. When he came back from the visit having seen
another family up close- he verbalized so much appreciation for how our
family operated.

Interestingly, the father of this family made a unannounced visit to our
family a few months later. We figured out that since his daughter (the pen
pal) was not going to be "allowed" to work or attend school, he was scouting
Chris out as a potential marriage partner!!!! We were all shocked, and I was
very dismayed at his sexist conversation in my home.

Connie


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/10/03 8:22:30 AM, conniecolten@... writes:

<< Interestingly, the father of this family made a unannounced visit to our
family a few months later. We figured out that since his daughter (the pen
pal) was not going to be "allowed" to work or attend school, he was scouting
Chris out as a potential marriage partner!!!! We were all shocked, and I was
very dismayed at his sexist conversation in my home. >>

Wow!

I wonder if the "unannounced" was so he could catch you being yourselves, so
you couldn't prettify the situation to "sell" your son better. <g>

Sheeeesh.

Wow.

Sandra

[email protected]

> I wonder if the "unannounced" was so he could catch you being yourselves, so
> you couldn't prettify the situation to "sell" your son better. <g>
>
>
It really was weird, because we lived on base and were HARD to find. We'd
give friends directions like go 12.3 miles turn left, etc. and there he was
knocking on the door.

Actually, we started with refreshments on the patio, and when he was so
insulting as to the roles of women, I excused myself and left Russ to deal
with him.

Strange.

Connie



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]