Re: I'm the Parent
Janet Hamlin
>>There are times when I try to remember who the parent is. When Dagnyand I are both cranky, and feeling bickery, I try to remember that I'm
the parent, and I have more of a reserve of patience than she does. I'm
the parent, so I can step back and change how I'm acting more easily
than she can. When Rowan wants me to get up for the hundreth time to
get her something in the kitchen, I remember that I'm the parent, and
she can't do everything she wants to without asking for help. I can
make her feel good or bad about that. I'm the parent, and I can choose
to happily help her when she wants me to. When either one of them wants
me to drop what I'm doing to do something with her, I remember that I'm
the parent of two kids who won't be kids forever. I remember that I
don't want to miss one minute of being their parent. <<
Thanks for posting this, Rue. A good reminder for ME. Dh and I try very
hard to do this, but I find myself sometimes feeling like I've waited on
them hand and foot all day, and the second I sit down to do something for me
(watch the news, read a book) they keep right on with their requests. Mind
you, my kids are 8 & 4 and are capable of doing things for themselves (the 4
yr old was getting his own food and getting dressed on his own at 2 (his
choice - very independent and determined) but lately they won't do anything
for themselves at all.
Somedays I feel taken advantage of and drained by it all and wonder if those
other "controlling" parents are right.
I know they're not.
Janet, struggling for more patience and balance.....
Jon and Rue Kream
I think it helps me that I really vividly remember being a kid. I
remember that no other peanut butter toast tastes just like my mom's
does. It may have been the exact amount of golden brown-ness she gave
the toast, or the perfect, not too thin, not too thick layer of peanut
butter, or the way she cut it into special shapes for me and put it on a
tray. But really it's that all of those things made me feel loved. When
my kids ask me to do something that they 'can' do for themselves, I know
that it's not only a glass of chocolate milk they want - it's me,
putting it in a special cup with a special straw and delivering it to
them with a kiss. It's me showing them I love them. We all try to keep
in mind that love is a verb.
On the other hand, it CAN be very draining. When my I am feeling that
way, my husband will step in and nurture me, as well as dealing with the
kids' needs for a while. (Of course, I'll do the same for him.)
Everybody needs to be 'mothered' sometimes :0). ~Rue
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-----Original Message-----
From: Janet Hamlin [mailto:jefhdvm@...]
Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2003 10:24 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: I'm the Parent
Thanks for posting this, Rue. A good reminder for ME. Dh and I try
very hard to do this, but I find myself sometimes feeling like I've
waited on them hand and foot all day, and the second I sit down to do
something for me (watch the news, read a book) they keep right on with
their requests. Mind you, my kids are 8 & 4 and are capable of doing
things for themselves (the 4 yr old was getting his own food and getting
dressed on his own at 2 (his choice - very independent and determined)
but lately they won't do anything for themselves at all.
remember that no other peanut butter toast tastes just like my mom's
does. It may have been the exact amount of golden brown-ness she gave
the toast, or the perfect, not too thin, not too thick layer of peanut
butter, or the way she cut it into special shapes for me and put it on a
tray. But really it's that all of those things made me feel loved. When
my kids ask me to do something that they 'can' do for themselves, I know
that it's not only a glass of chocolate milk they want - it's me,
putting it in a special cup with a special straw and delivering it to
them with a kiss. It's me showing them I love them. We all try to keep
in mind that love is a verb.
On the other hand, it CAN be very draining. When my I am feeling that
way, my husband will step in and nurture me, as well as dealing with the
kids' needs for a while. (Of course, I'll do the same for him.)
Everybody needs to be 'mothered' sometimes :0). ~Rue
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."
-----Original Message-----
From: Janet Hamlin [mailto:jefhdvm@...]
Sent: Sunday, March 30, 2003 10:24 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: I'm the Parent
Thanks for posting this, Rue. A good reminder for ME. Dh and I try
very hard to do this, but I find myself sometimes feeling like I've
waited on them hand and foot all day, and the second I sit down to do
something for me (watch the news, read a book) they keep right on with
their requests. Mind you, my kids are 8 & 4 and are capable of doing
things for themselves (the 4 yr old was getting his own food and getting
dressed on his own at 2 (his choice - very independent and determined)
but lately they won't do anything for themselves at all.
Bill and Diane
>I'm feeling drained. Seems like when something major happens that shorts
>
>On the other hand, it CAN be very draining. When my I am feeling that
>way, my husband will step in and nurture me, as well as dealing with the
>kids' needs for a while. (Of course, I'll do the same for him.)
>Everybody needs to be 'mothered' sometimes :0). ~Rue
>
Mom's circuits, it usually shorts out the kids' circuits too, and they
need Mom more than ever.
Right now my dh is sick and in the hospital and it seems like everyone
in the world is leaning on me. I started out leaning on my mil, but she
got sick too and now found out it's cancer. When it rains, it pours, and
it's been pouring over here.
Does anyone here have a single mom's list they can recommend?
Thanks!
:-) Diane
(tired, wan smile)
Tia Leschke
> Right now my dh is sick and in the hospital and it seems like everyoneI can't offer help, but at least I can offer a big hug.
> in the world is leaning on me. I started out leaning on my mil, but she
> got sick too and now found out it's cancer. When it rains, it pours, and
> it's been pouring over here.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Diane}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Tia
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
saftety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Ben Franklin
leschke@...
Alan & Brenda Leonard
3/31/03 15:30:
Like you, I only do the periodically single parent thing, so I don't have a
list. But I know how it can pour with all the stress at once.
I hope your dh is better and home soon, and that things go ok with your
mil, whatever treatment she might need. Hang in there!
brenda
> I'm feeling drained. Seems like when something major happens that shortsOh, Diane!!!!! ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
> Mom's circuits, it usually shorts out the kids' circuits too, and they
> need Mom more than ever.
Like you, I only do the periodically single parent thing, so I don't have a
list. But I know how it can pour with all the stress at once.
I hope your dh is better and home soon, and that things go ok with your
mil, whatever treatment she might need. Hang in there!
brenda
Joylyn
Janet Hamlin wrote:
a camp with about 6 or so other families and a few other couples, no
kids. It was sad, because most of the families were not "mindful"
parents (as one mom, who was mindful, said). They were controlling.
Janene and Lexie ruled the roost. At the talent show, Janene was the
youngest to perform, and Lexie directed the other two in a skit she had
seen on Zoom. She also had a "rock" show where she described rocks they
had found as other things "this rock looks like a piano, this one looks
like a bed for a baby, this one is a door stop." It was very cute and
funny, but Lexie was feeding the other kids their lines, and was
obviously at ease in front of a bunch of people while the other kids
were nervous. Lexie and Janene made lots of friends, talked to
everyone, introduced themselves, were quite at ease in a situation where
they really didn't know anyone. The other kids were obviously not as
relaxed nor did they seem to possess the ability to talk to people they
didn't know. Everyone commented on how self assured and confident the
girls were.
Everyone else also schooled, except for the one young mom with a 17
month old--she was also the only one who was really open to
homeschooling. One of the dads and his partner were both teachers, and
their son was in school. Another mom and her partner (this was a
rainbow family camp, most of the attendees were gay, but not all) had a
7 year old who had serious developmental delays, didn't talk until 3,
and now is still pretty behind. She was adopted from Brazil. One of
the moms was a special ed teacher. Lots of traditional school stuff.
We didn't tell (have a chance, not that we witheld the info) that Lexie
and Janene were homeschooled, let alone unschooled, until after most
people had commented on how self assured, smart, etc. the girls were.
So they really couldn't say that what we were doing wasn't working,a nd
you could tell that one man was a bit annoyed by this. At first when we
were talking about homeschooling, I was saying things like "with
homeschooling, you don't HAVE to have your child in school 7 hours a
day, plus 2-3 afternoons for homework help, and then still have them
come home and have another hour or two of homework. You can help them
learn in just a few hours, and enjoy life." They came up with the
normal "most parents can't teach their children, the kids just learn
better from the authority of a teacher." bull shit as well as other
crap. At one point they were saying that MOST kids NEED, MUST HAVE
repetition of facts, information, math, etc. to learn. That they CANNOT
learn some things unless they do 100 math problems a day, read about
George Washington every year, etc. I said I disagreed with that, and
talked about how many unschooled kids learn to read at age 9-10 and
never go through the primer reading stages, they simply go from not
really reading to being able to read whatever they want easily, no need
for repetitive phonics lessons. Also, how Lexie has learned
multiplication by understanding the concept and when she needs to
memorize the facts she will, but knowing the concept is os much better
than just memorization. Most of these parents just didn't get it. The
poor little girl who was DD and 7, well, she can't remember her letters
from day to day. Does she need to now? was a question these people had
never thought to even question, and so instead of spending their days
loving and being with their daughter, instead she spends it in a
classroom and in various special ed situations, and also she goes to
after school homework help 3x a week for another 1 1/2 horus a day.
Amazing.
When I really did explain how lexie learns, they really couldn't get it
so I explained the example i always use (how she took Island of the Blue
Dolphins at age 6 from just reading the book to reading the sequel,
finding out about the author, the Chumas Indians, geography, islands,
catholic missions, the inslavement of the Chumash, driving to Santa
Barbara, etc. etc.) and their response was that Lexie and Janene are
remarkable children who are obviously gifted and they have a wonderful
mother who has a background in Education and was a teacher and so that
is why unschooling works for us, but that most kids could never learn
this way, and most kids need the structure of school and teachers and
homework. I almost wanted to throw up. I know Lexie and Janene are
remarkable (what kind of mother would I be if I didn't think that) but
their kids were pretty remarkable too. One of the older kids overheard
some of this and later asked me how come Lexie could learn algebra stuff
at age 8, and when I explained how we learn in our house, he just said
"that's really cool, wish I could do that." but his tone was such that
he obviously knew that he never would "do that."
I tried to explain that one reason I really think school fails kids is
that it teaches kids that they can only learn in school and that they,
the kids, are not responsible for their learning but that they need to
just sit and let someone teach them. Lexie doesn't think that, she is
responsible for her own learning and she sees learning as something that
happens all the time, and that learning is fun. I think that might have
made an impression, but I'm not sure. I had just forgotten how totally
unmainstream I have become. And I think that was the strangest thing to
me, here I was talking to lesbian moms, gay dads, one couple (no kids)
the one woman had obviously been born a male and she'd been made
surgically a woman, and *I* was the one that was alternative in terms of
my parenting and education of my children. They were so mainstream in
how they parented, how they educated their kids, it wasn't even funny.
So controlling, strict bedtimes (even though we were at a camp), eat
your vegies, no you may not have pudding (how can you have any pudding
if you don't eat your meat!) (this was a real conversation, I kid you
not, which I overheard), I even overheard one mom threaten to spank. I
just thought that within a community where parenthood was so much harder
to obtain that there would be parents who parented more thoughtfully,
but it seemed that at least with this limited control group that this
was not the case.
And what is really scary is that I will be back in the classroom, as a
teacher on Monday. I have gotten a job, as a full time long term sub
for I'm not sure what yet (I'll find out tomorrow). I'm glad to have a
job, I needed to have a job, but I'm sad to have a job and not be at
home any longer and I'm wondering how I will do in the classroom. My
entire outlook on education has changed since I was a teacher last.
OK enough rambling...
One very funny moment was when I was talking to the 70ish man with the
long gray/silver beard who was wearing a very pretty denim dress with
flowers down the front, and the other four year old came running up, in
a dress (I was in my jeans, as were my girls and most everyone else) and
he said "I'm sure glad to see someone else wearing a dress." I kinda
chuckled and I said with the rock climbing that my girls were doing,
jeans were more appropriate for the activies of the camp. We had a nice
conversation about dressing children and trying not to put our own
values into them, and he told me about his desire to wear dresses at a
very young age and his grandmother reading from the bible why his mother
couldn't wear slacks to work and how he knew that he probably shouldn't
tell his grandmother that he wanted to wear her dresses.
Joylyn
>I had confirmation this last weekend that they aren't right. We are at
> Somedays I feel taken advantage of and drained by it all and wonder if
> those
> other "controlling" parents are right.
a camp with about 6 or so other families and a few other couples, no
kids. It was sad, because most of the families were not "mindful"
parents (as one mom, who was mindful, said). They were controlling.
Janene and Lexie ruled the roost. At the talent show, Janene was the
youngest to perform, and Lexie directed the other two in a skit she had
seen on Zoom. She also had a "rock" show where she described rocks they
had found as other things "this rock looks like a piano, this one looks
like a bed for a baby, this one is a door stop." It was very cute and
funny, but Lexie was feeding the other kids their lines, and was
obviously at ease in front of a bunch of people while the other kids
were nervous. Lexie and Janene made lots of friends, talked to
everyone, introduced themselves, were quite at ease in a situation where
they really didn't know anyone. The other kids were obviously not as
relaxed nor did they seem to possess the ability to talk to people they
didn't know. Everyone commented on how self assured and confident the
girls were.
Everyone else also schooled, except for the one young mom with a 17
month old--she was also the only one who was really open to
homeschooling. One of the dads and his partner were both teachers, and
their son was in school. Another mom and her partner (this was a
rainbow family camp, most of the attendees were gay, but not all) had a
7 year old who had serious developmental delays, didn't talk until 3,
and now is still pretty behind. She was adopted from Brazil. One of
the moms was a special ed teacher. Lots of traditional school stuff.
We didn't tell (have a chance, not that we witheld the info) that Lexie
and Janene were homeschooled, let alone unschooled, until after most
people had commented on how self assured, smart, etc. the girls were.
So they really couldn't say that what we were doing wasn't working,a nd
you could tell that one man was a bit annoyed by this. At first when we
were talking about homeschooling, I was saying things like "with
homeschooling, you don't HAVE to have your child in school 7 hours a
day, plus 2-3 afternoons for homework help, and then still have them
come home and have another hour or two of homework. You can help them
learn in just a few hours, and enjoy life." They came up with the
normal "most parents can't teach their children, the kids just learn
better from the authority of a teacher." bull shit as well as other
crap. At one point they were saying that MOST kids NEED, MUST HAVE
repetition of facts, information, math, etc. to learn. That they CANNOT
learn some things unless they do 100 math problems a day, read about
George Washington every year, etc. I said I disagreed with that, and
talked about how many unschooled kids learn to read at age 9-10 and
never go through the primer reading stages, they simply go from not
really reading to being able to read whatever they want easily, no need
for repetitive phonics lessons. Also, how Lexie has learned
multiplication by understanding the concept and when she needs to
memorize the facts she will, but knowing the concept is os much better
than just memorization. Most of these parents just didn't get it. The
poor little girl who was DD and 7, well, she can't remember her letters
from day to day. Does she need to now? was a question these people had
never thought to even question, and so instead of spending their days
loving and being with their daughter, instead she spends it in a
classroom and in various special ed situations, and also she goes to
after school homework help 3x a week for another 1 1/2 horus a day.
Amazing.
When I really did explain how lexie learns, they really couldn't get it
so I explained the example i always use (how she took Island of the Blue
Dolphins at age 6 from just reading the book to reading the sequel,
finding out about the author, the Chumas Indians, geography, islands,
catholic missions, the inslavement of the Chumash, driving to Santa
Barbara, etc. etc.) and their response was that Lexie and Janene are
remarkable children who are obviously gifted and they have a wonderful
mother who has a background in Education and was a teacher and so that
is why unschooling works for us, but that most kids could never learn
this way, and most kids need the structure of school and teachers and
homework. I almost wanted to throw up. I know Lexie and Janene are
remarkable (what kind of mother would I be if I didn't think that) but
their kids were pretty remarkable too. One of the older kids overheard
some of this and later asked me how come Lexie could learn algebra stuff
at age 8, and when I explained how we learn in our house, he just said
"that's really cool, wish I could do that." but his tone was such that
he obviously knew that he never would "do that."
I tried to explain that one reason I really think school fails kids is
that it teaches kids that they can only learn in school and that they,
the kids, are not responsible for their learning but that they need to
just sit and let someone teach them. Lexie doesn't think that, she is
responsible for her own learning and she sees learning as something that
happens all the time, and that learning is fun. I think that might have
made an impression, but I'm not sure. I had just forgotten how totally
unmainstream I have become. And I think that was the strangest thing to
me, here I was talking to lesbian moms, gay dads, one couple (no kids)
the one woman had obviously been born a male and she'd been made
surgically a woman, and *I* was the one that was alternative in terms of
my parenting and education of my children. They were so mainstream in
how they parented, how they educated their kids, it wasn't even funny.
So controlling, strict bedtimes (even though we were at a camp), eat
your vegies, no you may not have pudding (how can you have any pudding
if you don't eat your meat!) (this was a real conversation, I kid you
not, which I overheard), I even overheard one mom threaten to spank. I
just thought that within a community where parenthood was so much harder
to obtain that there would be parents who parented more thoughtfully,
but it seemed that at least with this limited control group that this
was not the case.
And what is really scary is that I will be back in the classroom, as a
teacher on Monday. I have gotten a job, as a full time long term sub
for I'm not sure what yet (I'll find out tomorrow). I'm glad to have a
job, I needed to have a job, but I'm sad to have a job and not be at
home any longer and I'm wondering how I will do in the classroom. My
entire outlook on education has changed since I was a teacher last.
OK enough rambling...
One very funny moment was when I was talking to the 70ish man with the
long gray/silver beard who was wearing a very pretty denim dress with
flowers down the front, and the other four year old came running up, in
a dress (I was in my jeans, as were my girls and most everyone else) and
he said "I'm sure glad to see someone else wearing a dress." I kinda
chuckled and I said with the rock climbing that my girls were doing,
jeans were more appropriate for the activies of the camp. We had a nice
conversation about dressing children and trying not to put our own
values into them, and he told me about his desire to wear dresses at a
very young age and his grandmother reading from the bible why his mother
couldn't wear slacks to work and how he knew that he probably shouldn't
tell his grandmother that he wanted to wear her dresses.
Joylyn
[email protected]
In a message dated 3/31/2003 9:36:11 PM Central Standard Time,
joylyn@... writes:
My mother criticised my parenting the other day. She was telling me how
wrong she thought it was that my oldest son Jake, 20, had just recently moved
in with his fiance Mandy, 19, without the benefit of marriage. First of all,
I'm rolling my eyes anyway because these are the 00's, you know. But I
really, really, REALLY wanted to ask her to compare the success of her method
of parenting (me pregnant before I was married, which was precisely what she
was hoping to avoid) with mine (Jake & Mandy in a committed relationship for
3 YEARS, no pregnancy in sight). You know, that smartass (yet right on
target) comment that would have made her stop talking to me for a few months?
I restrained myself, because I like talking to my mom, for the most part.
Surely some of those GLBT folks you met have had issues with the way they
were parented!
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
joylyn@... writes:
> And I think that was the strangest thing toYou should have pointed that out to them.
> me, here I was talking to lesbian moms, gay dads, one couple (no kids)
> the one woman had obviously been born a male and she'd been made
> surgically a woman, and *I* was the one that was alternative in terms of
> my parenting and education of my children. They were so mainstream in
> how they parented, how they educated their kids, it wasn't even funny.
>
My mother criticised my parenting the other day. She was telling me how
wrong she thought it was that my oldest son Jake, 20, had just recently moved
in with his fiance Mandy, 19, without the benefit of marriage. First of all,
I'm rolling my eyes anyway because these are the 00's, you know. But I
really, really, REALLY wanted to ask her to compare the success of her method
of parenting (me pregnant before I was married, which was precisely what she
was hoping to avoid) with mine (Jake & Mandy in a committed relationship for
3 YEARS, no pregnancy in sight). You know, that smartass (yet right on
target) comment that would have made her stop talking to me for a few months?
I restrained myself, because I like talking to my mom, for the most part.
Surely some of those GLBT folks you met have had issues with the way they
were parented!
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]