[AlwaysLearning] but i don't wanna, wah
carolyn
I'm working on giving up control in a number of areas with my dd, 11. I
could see that the way I'd been was creating an unnecessary amount of
conflict and I've learned a lot from people here. But sometimes I get
confused about what my rights are and I tend to think in black and white
and get lost in the gray areas. I'm questioning myself and how I want
to be a lot these days.
So I thought I'd throw this out.
We just bought a new truck that doesn't have air bags so it is possible
for the first time in years for dd to sit in the front seat. When there
were only two of us in the truck, no problem, she sat in the front seat
and thrilled in her position. Because dh does most, if not all of the
driving (for which I'm grateful), this morning she said to me, "You're
going to have to get used to sitting in the back seat because I'm going
to want to sit in the front seat." My response was, "Let's talk about
it later" because I don't know what I want to say or do.
Recently, we got into a struggle over my favorite seat in the living
room. I thought it through and decided to start sitting somewhere
else. Soon she wanted my new seat so I took back my old seat. I know
it's not only about the seat. I think it's also about being treated
fairly and as an equal.
I suppose this might happen with the truck seating too but the problem
is I really don't want to sit in the back seat and I'm having a bit of
a temper tantrum over it. We're going to take a year long trip in this
truck and I'd really rather not do it from the back seat. I just can't
think of a valid reason why I should always get to sit in the front seat
or even most of the time. Why shouldn't it be equal if she wants it
equal? Occasionally in the car, I used to join her in the back seat
because she didn't want to be alone (only child). But if I have to
choose between driving and sitting in the back seat half of the time,
ugh.
I know this isn't an earth shattering issue but I hope to be
enlightened. Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want
to even if it means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you
decide who sits where and when?
Carolyn, feeling about 11 years old right now
could see that the way I'd been was creating an unnecessary amount of
conflict and I've learned a lot from people here. But sometimes I get
confused about what my rights are and I tend to think in black and white
and get lost in the gray areas. I'm questioning myself and how I want
to be a lot these days.
So I thought I'd throw this out.
We just bought a new truck that doesn't have air bags so it is possible
for the first time in years for dd to sit in the front seat. When there
were only two of us in the truck, no problem, she sat in the front seat
and thrilled in her position. Because dh does most, if not all of the
driving (for which I'm grateful), this morning she said to me, "You're
going to have to get used to sitting in the back seat because I'm going
to want to sit in the front seat." My response was, "Let's talk about
it later" because I don't know what I want to say or do.
Recently, we got into a struggle over my favorite seat in the living
room. I thought it through and decided to start sitting somewhere
else. Soon she wanted my new seat so I took back my old seat. I know
it's not only about the seat. I think it's also about being treated
fairly and as an equal.
I suppose this might happen with the truck seating too but the problem
is I really don't want to sit in the back seat and I'm having a bit of
a temper tantrum over it. We're going to take a year long trip in this
truck and I'd really rather not do it from the back seat. I just can't
think of a valid reason why I should always get to sit in the front seat
or even most of the time. Why shouldn't it be equal if she wants it
equal? Occasionally in the car, I used to join her in the back seat
because she didn't want to be alone (only child). But if I have to
choose between driving and sitting in the back seat half of the time,
ugh.
I know this isn't an earth shattering issue but I hope to be
enlightened. Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want
to even if it means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you
decide who sits where and when?
Carolyn, feeling about 11 years old right now
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/21/01 5:29:38 PM, nielsonc@... writes:
<< I think it's also about being treated
fairly and as an equal. >>
Rotate?
I claim front seat if I'm there and kids get the back, unless we're going a
long way and then we switch out a lot.
Or sometimes I let one of them have the front, but it's mine to grant.
We do a precedence by age and visitor-status on the front seat.
<<I just can't
think of a valid reason why I should always get to sit in the front seat
or even most of the time. >>
You're taller, you're older.
There are stops for gas and sodas and food and you could switch off.
<<Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want
to even if it means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you
decide who sits where and when?>>
If we have company, they get first dibs on the front.
If we're in a car with seats that go backward and up, we arrange by height.
I'm the second to shortest in my family now, and I would defer to Marty or
Kirby to let them have legroom. But then I get carsick easily and there's
another credit for my front-seat account.
We're usually in a minivan and so there's legroom other places too.
Sandra
<< I think it's also about being treated
fairly and as an equal. >>
Rotate?
I claim front seat if I'm there and kids get the back, unless we're going a
long way and then we switch out a lot.
Or sometimes I let one of them have the front, but it's mine to grant.
We do a precedence by age and visitor-status on the front seat.
<<I just can't
think of a valid reason why I should always get to sit in the front seat
or even most of the time. >>
You're taller, you're older.
There are stops for gas and sodas and food and you could switch off.
<<Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want
to even if it means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you
decide who sits where and when?>>
If we have company, they get first dibs on the front.
If we're in a car with seats that go backward and up, we arrange by height.
I'm the second to shortest in my family now, and I would defer to Marty or
Kirby to let them have legroom. But then I get carsick easily and there's
another credit for my front-seat account.
We're usually in a minivan and so there's legroom other places too.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/21/01 7:30:03 PM, nielsonc@... writes:
<< Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want to even if it
means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you decide who sits where
and when? >>
Well - we have air bags in the Honda - so no kids in the front seat. I get
car sick in the back, so even if they could sit up front, if I needed to , I
would. When we go on trips with other people, I sit in front. My kids
understand about that, so it's not an issue for us. Sometimes if their dad
is in the car, they've requested he sit back with them and I've driven.
Giving up control over your child doesn't mean giving her control over you.
And it sounds to me that's what's being tested here, particularly in the
favorite seat in the living room issue. It sounds like she wants the seat
you want -- because you want it.
<<this morning she said to me, "You're going to have to get used to sitting
in the back seat because I'm going to want to sit in the front seat." >>
This is also a power statement - it's not asking for negotiation, or
consideration of her desires. It seems disrespectful, to me, and not in
terms of child to parent -- but in terms of family member to family member.
How would you react if your spouse addressed you in that manner?
I feel I have a right to personal space -- and feel my kids have it to.
We've got our own "areas" around the house, and it hasn't been an issue.
Seems to me there's stuff going on beneath the surface -- perhaps in reaction
to the whole "giving up control" agenda?
Sharon
<< Do you let your kids sit in the front seat when they want to even if it
means you have to sit in the back seat? Or how do you decide who sits where
and when? >>
Well - we have air bags in the Honda - so no kids in the front seat. I get
car sick in the back, so even if they could sit up front, if I needed to , I
would. When we go on trips with other people, I sit in front. My kids
understand about that, so it's not an issue for us. Sometimes if their dad
is in the car, they've requested he sit back with them and I've driven.
Giving up control over your child doesn't mean giving her control over you.
And it sounds to me that's what's being tested here, particularly in the
favorite seat in the living room issue. It sounds like she wants the seat
you want -- because you want it.
<<this morning she said to me, "You're going to have to get used to sitting
in the back seat because I'm going to want to sit in the front seat." >>
This is also a power statement - it's not asking for negotiation, or
consideration of her desires. It seems disrespectful, to me, and not in
terms of child to parent -- but in terms of family member to family member.
How would you react if your spouse addressed you in that manner?
I feel I have a right to personal space -- and feel my kids have it to.
We've got our own "areas" around the house, and it hasn't been an issue.
Seems to me there's stuff going on beneath the surface -- perhaps in reaction
to the whole "giving up control" agenda?
Sharon
Sharon Rudd
Does DD jsut want to be closer to you? Sit in the seat
that you are in, with you? Or instead of you?
Sharon of the Swamp
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that you are in, with you? Or instead of you?
Sharon of the Swamp
> Recently, we got into a struggle over my favorite__________________________________________________
> seat in the living
> room
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Fetteroll
on 12/21/01 7:26 PM, carolyn at nielsonc@... wrote:
It looks like a power struggle. If she's always felt like she had to back
down because you were bigger and more forceful and now you're giving ground,
it's going to feel like a long awaited opportunity to take it. It rather
resembles the interactions between the older social animal who has held top
position by intimidation who is growing weaker and begins backing off from
confrontation. The question in those vying for the top spot is how far can I
push? I doubt that it's really that exactly! ;-) but anyone who's felt
pushed her whole life if she feels she can now push back will naturally feel
justified in pushing back.
And if you've solved problems in which what she wants conflicts with what
you want by insisting on your way, she doesn't have any other model to draw
on for solving that type of problem. You've probably modeled "I've got the
power to do what I want and make you do what I want" so that's the model
she's emulating now that she feels like she has the power.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Soon she wanted my new seat so I took back my old seat. I knowThere might be two things interacting here.
> it's not only about the seat. I think it's also about being treated
> fairly and as an equal.
It looks like a power struggle. If she's always felt like she had to back
down because you were bigger and more forceful and now you're giving ground,
it's going to feel like a long awaited opportunity to take it. It rather
resembles the interactions between the older social animal who has held top
position by intimidation who is growing weaker and begins backing off from
confrontation. The question in those vying for the top spot is how far can I
push? I doubt that it's really that exactly! ;-) but anyone who's felt
pushed her whole life if she feels she can now push back will naturally feel
justified in pushing back.
And if you've solved problems in which what she wants conflicts with what
you want by insisting on your way, she doesn't have any other model to draw
on for solving that type of problem. You've probably modeled "I've got the
power to do what I want and make you do what I want" so that's the model
she's emulating now that she feels like she has the power.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]