nellebelle

----- snip -----Maybe you could write and say that. Suggest a script to her. "Thanks for coming to visit again!" and when you leave, "I'm glad you came!"

Sorry it's stressful. I don't love going to see in-laws and I hardly even
call my own mom even though she's in town. I get phone sick! <bwg> Last
time I tried to call the phone was temporarily disconnected. I didn't think
"Gosh, she might not be okay!" I thought, "DAMN, she lost her phonebill money
at the casino.">>>>>>>>>>

Wow, that must be hard to deal with. Do your kids see her much?

Ouch! You just hit one of my buttons! My first thought to the above was "no way could I say that to my mom". But why couldn't I? She's really great in many ways, but is also terribly insecure, depressed, overly dependent on her grown children, and negative about a lot of things. She has severe rheumatoid arthritis and takes multiple medications. I feel guilty because I think I *should* bring her into my own home and take care of her. I definitely do not want to do that though. When we were kids she used to say, "just promise not to put me in an old folks home." Guess I probably did agree to that promise when I was a kid, and now feel like I'm obligated to stick to it? Wow, I think I just learned something! I do believe that I must fulfill a promise that I made as a child, not understanding what I was actually agreeing too. This could be a factor in my guilt complex.

When she decided to move out of her house and into an apartment last year, all of us kids suggested that she at least consider some kind of senior housing complex. I have met some seniors who live in "adult housing" and love it. She said "No, I don't like old people". Sadly, she has become one of the type of old people she doesn't like- physically deteriorating and lonely.

I *do* think about this in terms of what my actions are teaching my children. I have this rosy picture of several generations living together as how it is supposed to be. When I think of the realities of how it would be in our situation though, it is not so rosy.

Sorry for rambling on so. I know I'm not the only one who deals with a dysfunctional family of origin.

Mary Ellen


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[email protected]

In a message dated 2/20/03 1:18:41 PM, nellebelle@... writes:

<< Wow, that must be hard to deal with. Do your kids see her much? >>

Holly saw her once a month for a while, just for ten or fifteen minutes,
which is about the limit. The boys are just baffled and quiet on their
occasional contacts. She's a total brain-cells-gone alcoholic.

There are some old-folks places where you can order services like hotels.
Check a paper if you need someone to pick up your meds or do your laundry, or
if you can still do everything yourself it's just the base rate.

I used to say when I was old I wanted to be in a baby-boomers old folks home
where we listen to the Rolling Stones and if your cancer gets bad you can
have LSD. Glaucoma-joints for everybody!

Now that I'm actually getting old, I don't think LSD would be fun in a
nursing home, and I'm not sure I want to be in a nursing home with all the
crazed, horny VietNam lechers wanting to watch Rambo all the time.

So I guess I just won't wish or envision, and just be surprised!



Sandra

Tia Leschke

> Now that I'm actually getting old, I don't think LSD would be fun in a
> nursing home, and I'm not sure I want to be in a nursing home with all the
> crazed, horny VietNam lechers wanting to watch Rambo all the time.

Where my mother's been living, there's only one man out of about 12
residents. And he doesn't fit your description at all. Another friend of
my mother's might be moving in there. I don't know if he's a Vietnam vet,
but he's a gay man with ALS.
Tia

Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema

There's some organization that matches elderly homeowners with younger
folks to share housing. The younger folks pay some rent and maybe do some
errands/help out and the older folks get some company.
I have no idea what it's called.
Does anyone else out there know?

Might it be an option for that lonely mom out there who doesn't want to go
to the nursing home?
Heidi

[email protected]

In a message dated 2/20/03 3:53:56 PM, leschke@... writes:

<< Where my mother's been living, there's only one man out of about 12
residents. And he doesn't fit your description at all. Another friend of
my mother's might be moving in there. I don't know if he's a Vietnam vet,
but he's a gay man with ALS. >>

We're still twenty years out from people my age being in the nursing homes.
I'm only ("only") 49.

Sandra

Tia Leschke

> We're still twenty years out from people my age being in the nursing
homes.
> I'm only ("only") 49.

But it will still be mostly females in the nursing homes, just like it is
now. Women still live longer on average than men, as far as I know. (And
I'm 5 years closer to that stage.)
Tia

Bill and Diane

Heidi Wordhouse-Dykema wrote:

>There's some organization that matches elderly homeowners with younger
>folks to share housing. The younger folks pay some rent and maybe do some
>errands/help out and the older folks get some company.
>I have no idea what it's called.
>Does anyone else out there know?
>
>Might it be an option for that lonely mom out there who doesn't want to go
>to the nursing home?
>

That sounds like the answer to my fears about dh dying or leaving! If
the old folks would/could watch kids the 24 hours/week I'm working!

:-) Diane