Re: [AlwaysLearning] grief support
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/24/2002 11:05:19 AM Eastern Standard Time,
ecsamhill@... writes:
daughter and heard some of the most awful comments. "Oh, well, you can just
try again." "She must have had terrible health problems or been deformed"
(She didn't and wasn't.) "You seem to be taking this rather hard...have you
thought about counseling?" What I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, if
you need me, I'm here."
Amy
Amy Kagey
Christmas gifts:
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">free shipping on Usborne Books!</A>
and
<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/amycats2/myhomepage/business.html">Santa Letters for Your Child!</A>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ecsamhill@... writes:
> People are really very clueless about grief support in this country overJust from my own experience, I would have to agree. We lost a stillborn
> all.**
>
daughter and heard some of the most awful comments. "Oh, well, you can just
try again." "She must have had terrible health problems or been deformed"
(She didn't and wasn't.) "You seem to be taking this rather hard...have you
thought about counseling?" What I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, if
you need me, I'm here."
Amy
Amy Kagey
Christmas gifts:
<A HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">free shipping on Usborne Books!</A>
and
<A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/amycats2/myhomepage/business.html">Santa Letters for Your Child!</A>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
I'm still pretty severely devastated right now and I can tell you what I
want to hear:
I'm sorry and I know this is really hard for you.
(Just recognition - that's enough - it does make it better to know that
people care about me and are aware that I'm in pain. The cards people send
or brief notes they send really do provide some sweet moments - I know it
doesn't seem like much to the people sending them, but they are very
comforting.)
I'm sorry, I lost my (mother, father, brother, sister, child, etc.) and I
know how hard it is.
(Recognition of the pain and giving a sense of us being in it together - a
sharing. But it needs to NOT be in detail - I'm not in any condition right
now to reciprocate if someone shares too many details of their own losses -
just being gently reminded that people do know what I'm going through is
helpful, though.)
Your mom was a wonderful person and ...... --- whatever they want to say
about how great she was ---......
(It is comforting to know that other people knew how wonderful she was and
it is comforting to talk about her -one of the things that is most painful
is the thought of her just being out of my daily life, disappearing like
she never existed and it really helps me for people to mention her, but
sometimes people don't know that and avoid it.)
Mostly I want people to spend time with me in normal everyday ways and just
let it be okay with them and cut me some slack when I'm absent-minded or on
edge or irritable or emotional or not entirely rational or somewhat
dullwitted --- I want people to understand that I'm not sleeping well and
that my thinking is impaired and that I now have a deep sadness within me
that wasn't there before and I'm having to learn to go on and be happy
anyway in its presence and that it isn't going to happen quickly and I'm
likely to seem different to them in ways they don't understand AND that
I'm going to need more time than THEY probably think I should need.
--pam
At 08:15 AM 11/24/2002, you wrote:
National Home Education Network
www.NHEN.org
Changing the Way the World Sees Homeschooling
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
want to hear:
I'm sorry and I know this is really hard for you.
(Just recognition - that's enough - it does make it better to know that
people care about me and are aware that I'm in pain. The cards people send
or brief notes they send really do provide some sweet moments - I know it
doesn't seem like much to the people sending them, but they are very
comforting.)
I'm sorry, I lost my (mother, father, brother, sister, child, etc.) and I
know how hard it is.
(Recognition of the pain and giving a sense of us being in it together - a
sharing. But it needs to NOT be in detail - I'm not in any condition right
now to reciprocate if someone shares too many details of their own losses -
just being gently reminded that people do know what I'm going through is
helpful, though.)
Your mom was a wonderful person and ...... --- whatever they want to say
about how great she was ---......
(It is comforting to know that other people knew how wonderful she was and
it is comforting to talk about her -one of the things that is most painful
is the thought of her just being out of my daily life, disappearing like
she never existed and it really helps me for people to mention her, but
sometimes people don't know that and avoid it.)
Mostly I want people to spend time with me in normal everyday ways and just
let it be okay with them and cut me some slack when I'm absent-minded or on
edge or irritable or emotional or not entirely rational or somewhat
dullwitted --- I want people to understand that I'm not sleeping well and
that my thinking is impaired and that I now have a deep sadness within me
that wasn't there before and I'm having to learn to go on and be happy
anyway in its presence and that it isn't going to happen quickly and I'm
likely to seem different to them in ways they don't understand AND that
I'm going to need more time than THEY probably think I should need.
--pam
At 08:15 AM 11/24/2002, you wrote:
>In a message dated 11/24/2002 11:05:19 AM Eastern Standard Time,Pam Sorooshian
>ecsamhill@... writes:
>
>
> > People are really very clueless about grief support in this country over
> > all.**
> >
>
>Just from my own experience, I would have to agree. We lost a stillborn
>daughter and heard some of the most awful comments. "Oh, well, you can just
>try again." "She must have had terrible health problems or been deformed"
>(She didn't and wasn't.) "You seem to be taking this rather hard...have you
>thought about counseling?" What I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, if
>you need me, I'm here."
>Amy
>Amy Kagey
>Christmas gifts:
><A
>HREF="http://www.ubah.com/ecommerce/default.asp?sid=Z0939&gid=462366">free
>shipping on Usborne Books!</A>
>and
><A HREF="http://hometown.aol.com/amycats2/myhomepage/business.html">Santa
>Letters for Your Child!</A>
>
>
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
>[email protected]
>
>
>
>Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
National Home Education Network
www.NHEN.org
Changing the Way the World Sees Homeschooling
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/24/2002 11:35:17 AM Central Standard Time,
pamsoroosh@... writes:
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pamsoroosh@... writes:
> I'm having to learn to go on and be happy{{{{Pam}}}}
> anyway in its presence and that it isn't going to happen quickly and I'm
> likely to seem different to them in ways they don't understand AND that
> I'm going to need more time than THEY probably think I should need.
>
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/25/02 12:57:45 AM Central Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
<< What I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, if
you need me, I'm here." >>
There's tip number one!!
Showing that you care is fine, trying to make the person feel better is not.
Just a listening ear is often the best support, IF the person feels like
talking. Sometimes they don't. Be comfortable with tears, with sorrow.
I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people say they didn't want
to bring up the death or loss because they "might make the person cry".
As if not talking about it helped. What happens is the person that is
grieving feels isolated and cut off from their friends. Because the friends
are uncomfortable with tears so they don't call anymore, or don't talk openly
about the loss.
The best kind of friend is fine with your tears. They know they didn't cause
the pain just by asking about your baby/mother/loved one. They were simply
willing to not act like nothing happened and be there while you were showing
hurt.
Don't say sorry a hundred times, we know you feel badly already.
Don't say "ooooh" with a really horrible look on your face over and over.
Cry with the person if you feel so moved. Hug them, let them know you love
them and will be there for them no matter what.
But just being a good listener is the number one thing.
When you've lost someone, it helps to talk about them sometimes, to remember
good things and bad. A good listener is the best kind of friend.
The other thing that is a really horrible way to treat a grieving person is
that there is a time limit on their grief.
People expect you to "get over it" in a certain amount of time and if you are
still heavy into grief that isn't acceptable.
Helping people understand the nature of grief can help.
The grieving process isn't what we go through to "get over" anything. It's
simply a way to put the person we love into a new type of relationship with
us.
You don't quit having a relationship with someone just because they are gone.
They are in your heart and mind forever and what you have to do is adjust to
their not being present in your life physically. Which is the most painful
and difficult thing we can ever do I believe.
You never get over losing someone. It leaves a gap in your life forever. An
emptiness that no one else can fill.
Time does heal certain amounts of pain. Going through the grieving process
helps us accept and feel all the emotions connected to loss and death.
But there is no time limit on this process, there is no linear path through
the grieving process and it is a very different path for every person.
Some people are going to do things very differently than others, and to try
and understand and support them instead of telling them how to handle their
grief is very helpful.
If they still break down crying in a year, that's OK!
You might ask them if they've considered counseling, but no one needs to hear
that they "should" have it.
Maybe crying is exactly what they need and they're feeling very capable of
handling their grief without outside support.
Usually, if a family unit is very open and able to talk about death and the
loved one, that is the most important support. Especially for children.
Without that, a person may need a group support situation or private
counseling.
If you want more info. email me, I don't want to get the list too clogged up
with grief advice. :)
I have a lot of info. on supporting children through the process, since
that's who I worked with (pre-teens) in the program. We did a camp that was a
very healing weekend for many families, and for myself also.
Ren
"The answers aren't important really...
What's important, is knowing all the questions."
-Zilpha Keatley Snyder
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com
[email protected] writes:
<< What I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry, if
you need me, I'm here." >>
There's tip number one!!
Showing that you care is fine, trying to make the person feel better is not.
Just a listening ear is often the best support, IF the person feels like
talking. Sometimes they don't. Be comfortable with tears, with sorrow.
I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people say they didn't want
to bring up the death or loss because they "might make the person cry".
As if not talking about it helped. What happens is the person that is
grieving feels isolated and cut off from their friends. Because the friends
are uncomfortable with tears so they don't call anymore, or don't talk openly
about the loss.
The best kind of friend is fine with your tears. They know they didn't cause
the pain just by asking about your baby/mother/loved one. They were simply
willing to not act like nothing happened and be there while you were showing
hurt.
Don't say sorry a hundred times, we know you feel badly already.
Don't say "ooooh" with a really horrible look on your face over and over.
Cry with the person if you feel so moved. Hug them, let them know you love
them and will be there for them no matter what.
But just being a good listener is the number one thing.
When you've lost someone, it helps to talk about them sometimes, to remember
good things and bad. A good listener is the best kind of friend.
The other thing that is a really horrible way to treat a grieving person is
that there is a time limit on their grief.
People expect you to "get over it" in a certain amount of time and if you are
still heavy into grief that isn't acceptable.
Helping people understand the nature of grief can help.
The grieving process isn't what we go through to "get over" anything. It's
simply a way to put the person we love into a new type of relationship with
us.
You don't quit having a relationship with someone just because they are gone.
They are in your heart and mind forever and what you have to do is adjust to
their not being present in your life physically. Which is the most painful
and difficult thing we can ever do I believe.
You never get over losing someone. It leaves a gap in your life forever. An
emptiness that no one else can fill.
Time does heal certain amounts of pain. Going through the grieving process
helps us accept and feel all the emotions connected to loss and death.
But there is no time limit on this process, there is no linear path through
the grieving process and it is a very different path for every person.
Some people are going to do things very differently than others, and to try
and understand and support them instead of telling them how to handle their
grief is very helpful.
If they still break down crying in a year, that's OK!
You might ask them if they've considered counseling, but no one needs to hear
that they "should" have it.
Maybe crying is exactly what they need and they're feeling very capable of
handling their grief without outside support.
Usually, if a family unit is very open and able to talk about death and the
loved one, that is the most important support. Especially for children.
Without that, a person may need a group support situation or private
counseling.
If you want more info. email me, I don't want to get the list too clogged up
with grief advice. :)
I have a lot of info. on supporting children through the process, since
that's who I worked with (pre-teens) in the program. We did a camp that was a
very healing weekend for many families, and for myself also.
Ren
"The answers aren't important really...
What's important, is knowing all the questions."
-Zilpha Keatley Snyder
Unschooling support at pensacolaunschoolers.com
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/25/2002 10:16:47 AM Central Standard Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:
is doing the subject on her website about prematurity. She might be able to
link or something.
Thanks,
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
starsuncloud@... writes:
> I have a lot of info. on supporting children through the process, sinceHey, Ren, can I get that stuff, if it's available online? A friend of mine
> that's who I worked with (pre-teens) in the program. We did a camp that was
> a
> very healing weekend for many families, and for myself also.
>
is doing the subject on her website about prematurity. She might be able to
link or something.
Thanks,
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
gruvystarchild
Tuck,
Everything I have is here with me, books, activities etc....I haven't
actually checked online information since all the work I did was back
in WA state before I was online.
There is a really good book called "It Must Hurt a Lot" that is about
a boy losing his puppy and the things that weren't helpful when he
was hurting and the things he learned.
I have a lot of games and activities that open the door to
communication about feelings and hurt.
Art is a great way to help children express hurt they otherwise can't
put into words.
Very young children will use play to deal with strong feelings,
especially acting things out with dolls or action figures.
I'm not sure what would be helpful for your friend, did she just want
links?
Ren
Everything I have is here with me, books, activities etc....I haven't
actually checked online information since all the work I did was back
in WA state before I was online.
There is a really good book called "It Must Hurt a Lot" that is about
a boy losing his puppy and the things that weren't helpful when he
was hurting and the things he learned.
I have a lot of games and activities that open the door to
communication about feelings and hurt.
Art is a great way to help children express hurt they otherwise can't
put into words.
Very young children will use play to deal with strong feelings,
especially acting things out with dolls or action figures.
I'm not sure what would be helpful for your friend, did she just want
links?
Ren
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/25/2002 10:09:24 PM Central Standard Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:
and I thought you might have some good stuff online. (Of course, she can
google it!)
I'll pass on that book to her, though. Thanks. :)
BTW, the website is thepreemieplace.org. The opening screen has pics of lots
of cute babies. :)
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
starsuncloud@... writes:
> I'm not sure what would be helpful for your friend, did she just wantYeah, it's an online forum that she runs. It's in monthly magazine format,
> links?
>
and I thought you might have some good stuff online. (Of course, she can
google it!)
I'll pass on that book to her, though. Thanks. :)
BTW, the website is thepreemieplace.org. The opening screen has pics of lots
of cute babies. :)
Tuck
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]