In a discussion on food controls, Joyce wrote, "We all have issues about something. They go deep and are tangled up around other stuff but working at them bit by bit can make them better." (here)
I posted this to the Always Learning list October 20, 2009, and Shan suggested I put it on its own page for future expansion.
I want to use it as a jumping off place to bring together some bits and pieces of posts, chats and questions over the past few weeks.Some people cling to their issues because they've labelled themselves and made a little secret fort (which they keep announcing) to hide in, and nurse their glorious wounds. There were a few years when I was learning about the effects of alcoholism on the non-drinking children and relatives of the alcoholics, and because I went to a meeting every week and helped other people understand it I was very definitely the Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I was vigilant and self-conscious in the choices I made, seeing them all in that light.
I had discovered I had a big issue, and I worked through it. I'm still an adult child of an alcoholic, but now the thought comes to mind two or three times a year, maybe, if someone else doesn't bring it up.
I could have lived there. I could have used it as an excuse for reactive and irrational behavior, but in working through it bit by bit, I also started to see what was a natural part of me and not caused by my mother's inconstant and unreliable presence, or by my feeling that if I helped her pay her phone bill, and let her borrow my car, somehow the alcoholism would be gone.
Because I had children, I consciously worked on those issues so the problem wouldn't passed on to them, too.
Other parents have other issues, about abuse or neglect or bereavement or religion or guilt or higher education or class or race or body image. For the purposes of unschooling, those are the things the parents need to deal with directly and quickly, with professional help if necessary (at least indirect professional help—books, groups, webpages) to get clear what is a natural part of you and what is odd emotional rashes and baggage.
Meanwhile, while the issues are being examined, be attentive and sweet to your children. That might be one of your best healing tools. It helped me immensely, and I've seen it help some others. Don't justify reactionary treatment of your children by saying "Well, I was raped so they will be"; "I overate so they will"; "I was forced to go to church so they will never see the inside of a church ever."
When a parent's choices are based on being the same or being the opposite of parents or of anyone else, they're reacting. Sometimes in a healing phase that can help. It can help to have role models. It can help to have bad examples, marked like crime scenes in our memories, to remind us. Let the reactions be part of a temporary healing phase, though. Let reactions be a stepping stone toward mindful actions.
When the issues are identified and dealt with, let them fade into occasional memory, not constant reminder. Don't label yourself in ways that hurt your children. Don't declare yourself to have a handicap and keep that for life as a "get out of jail free" card that you play when you were irresponsible and want to whine, "Yeah, but..." and not be a mindful adult.
Unschooled kids can't have irresponsible parents and still have the full benefit of unschooling. Being a good unschooling parent involves being a good person, a good parent. Unschooling can't work unless the parent is there, whole and attentive and not screwing it up.
Sandra