Thinking About "Have To"

Sandra wrote: They're not two sides of the same coin. They're different sets of life energy and different biochemical realities.

Yes. The actions may look the same but the entire outlook is different. This is, of course, hypothetical, but I'm trying to give an idea of how the outlook could be different.

When your alarm went off you rolled over, moaned, and realized you had to drag yourself out to do Kata because you were committed to getting a black belt. While getting ready you were wishing you could just stay in bed. You tripped over the cat and grumbled. You swore at that idiot of a driver who cut you off on the way over— "where did he get his license!!". You got there, did your thing, and drove home. Later that day as you were laying on the couch trying to get some rest, your husband asked you to help him with something. Didn't he realize how tired you were because you had to get up so early this morning?!

When your alarm went off you rolled over, looked at the clock and realized it was going off early so you could go to do Kata. You sighed and thought about how early it was and considered just staying in bed this morning. But then you remembered how committed you were to getting your black belt, so you resolved to get up. You said good morning to the cat. You hoped that the guy who cut you off on the way over didn't get into an car accident the next time he did that. When you were done you drove home, picking up some coffee & donuts for the family on the way home (okay, I admit it, I'm Canadian!). You felt good for the rest of the day because you choose to do something that brought you one step closer to your ultimate goal. When your child asked for some help getting the craft stuff down you smiled at him and said "sure, let's see what we can make!"

Which day would you and those around you prefer?

Pam L.

"I had to say ... Hey let's do this science experiment to get him off the play station last night. I had to have some one take notes because the directions called for. . . "

"There are days where I might not want to fix breakfast, lunch, or supper, to do laundry, to clean up a child's vomit, the cat's poop mess after getting locked in the van, etc., but it's gotta be done and so I do it."

I don't understand why this is such an issue.

I think it is because the change in attitude or approach from schooling to unschooling largely has to do with a shift from seeing certain things in a less flexible to a more flexible way—a shift from "have to's" to "choices."

Kids don't "have to" learn to read by nine, but can choose to learn to read when they're ready.
Kids don't "have to" learn certain subjects in a certain order and certain way, but can choose what and how and when to learn anything they want to learn.

And so on....

Unschooling is a way of viewing life as filled with choices, not "have to's."

So the topic is important.

It doesn't mean you don't "have to" feed your goats tomorrow. It puts the emphasis on your choice to have them and care for them. You really do NOT have to do it.

Lots of people go through their whole lives never feeling like they had choices in many many areas of their lives in which they really did. Just like it is useful for unschoolers to drop school language (not use the terms teaching or lessons or curriculum to refer to the natural learning that happens in their families) it is useful to drop the use of "have to's" and replace it with an awareness of choices and options.

How we think - the language we use to think - about what we're doing, matters.

Pam Sorooshian

But for many of us the idea of choosing not to meet OUR goals, not those imposed by others, is as foreign to us as the use of "have to" is to apparently others on this list.

But you have chosen the goals, and continue to choose to follow through with the actions to achieve those goals. For me it is a mindset. When I thought in terms of "have to" (I "have to" do such and such to achieve my goal) I found myself starting to resent the activity, having to push myself to follow through, and acting like a martyr—expecting others to express appreciation to me—for achieving what was my goal in the first place!

I'm not saying this is the case with you, only that in situations like you've described above, a person who feels they "have to" do these things to meet their goals could quite easily find themselves complaining about it along the way—"I can't believe I have to fight another match (grumble, grumble)" or "I'm taking so many hours this semester that I'm always tired!" and expecting people to congratulate me for getting through the semester. It can lead to feeling that you have had to sacrifice to meet your goals.

But when I keep the fact that it is my choice to continue with the actions to meet my goals front and center in my mind, I also continually reaffirm that this is my goal to achieve. That though I may not find certain actions "enjoyable", I choose to participate in them to achieve my goals. Then I'm not as likely to be complaining to those around me about how I "have to" do this and that just because I want the end result. That I have not made any sacrifices, I have made choices. And with that attitude, I'm a lot nicer to be around. :-)

Pam L

If you want to never say "have to", the only thing you "have to" do is die. Not much of a life in my book.

I see it exactly the opposite. If my life is nothing but a bunch of "have to's", then that's not much of a life. I choose to do the things I do, no matter what they are.

A robot goes through it's actions because it 'has to', it has no other options. I choose where my actions will take me.

Lyle

I agree with you that the person can give up or change the original choice at any time and that is a very freeing concept, but that if giving up the choice or changing it aren't options the person is willing to entertain, if the person is committed to the original choice then they usually must do certain things to make that choice happen.

You are committed to having happy, thriving children. To fulfill that commitment, you engaged in certain behaviors even though others would have been easier for you (at least in the short run).

I still think you're hitting a snag in thinking about what choice means. If a person is not "willing to entertain" other options, then they are freely making that choice. The point, as I see it, is to realize that we have a choice in every single action we take at every step along the way.

Easy versus hard had nothing to do with choice or must. Many times we freely choose to do things that are far more difficult and unenjoyable in the moment for some later ease/ enjoyment/ positive outcome. The key is to remember the choice, the personal commitment, because that is what changes something from drudgery to joy. If I take correctly Sandra's and Zenmamma's (I think) points about joyful living and cleaning and always looking at things from the most positive perspective, they dovetail pretty nicely with this choice issue. Be mindful of *why* you make choices and that you *can* make choices, and the joy in what you're are doing will be yours—it will flow from the knowledge that you are doing something that you chose rather than something that was imposed from the outside.

I chose to build my pond (approx. 3200 gallons). I did it nearly all by myself, asking for help only a couple of times. It was my project, and I wanted to do it. I excavated and moved I don't know how much earth. I moved six tons of rock. At one point when I couldn't get my waterfall to work the way I had envisioned, I started to get frustrated. It was the end of a long hard day—I hadn't eaten enough or taken enough breaks. When dh came home from work, he reminded me that this was supposed to be fun, that I had chosen to do it. At first, that wasn't really what I wanted to hear, but after a few minutes I saw the wisdom of what he said. I let go of my frustration. There was no reason the waterfall HAD to be done that day or that it HAD to look any particular way. We have choices—they are always there—and when we lose sight of that, we fall into the have to's and all the frustration and anger that goes with them.

Choice is a really important concept—not just semantics. It's the difference between anger, regret, resentment and happiness, comfort and joy in life. I chose to have my children when in grad school; I chose to follow my husband to New Mexico instead of staying at PSU to teach and raise two babies by myself; I chose to finish my degree; I chose to limit my job search geographically. I did not get the one job that I wanted, possibly based on the choices I made. But, with a pool of 400 applicants, there's a very good chance that I would not have gotten that job even if I'd made different choices—even if I'd done the things that everyone was telling me I *HAD* to do along the way to get a tenure-track professorship. There are a lot of miserable, lonely people out there who played by someone else's rules and still don't have jobs. I have no resentment or regret against my children because I chose them, though some people in my position might. My children were first to me, and they would have been first even if I'd gotten this other job. That is my choice in how I mother, and I make that choice every single day when I wake up.

I've had two cancer scares in the past three years, and the thing I took most comfort in while waiting for the test results was that I had made all the right choices. There was not one thing that I would have changed in my life, not one thing that I would have done differently. I had my choices, my children, my family, and those were the things that comforted me in dark and scary times. No, I don't have the career I thought I would have, but by my own choice. And hey, life goes on well past the time when children are grown. I'll reinvent myself and continue to live life based on my own choices! At the time of reckoning (what ever that may be), I know I will draw comfort from the life I've lived and choice will be a great big part of that.

—danielle