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Living by Principles instead of by Rules

Ben Lovejoy, 2004

After sending his son to private school for eight years, Ben Lovejoy and his wife took a sharp LEFT turn and plunged head-first into unschooling. A private school and military college (The Citadel) graduate with a military background and an orderly sense of "the way things should be done," Ben seems—at first—like an unlikely candidate for the unschooling lifestyle. A full-blown convert, he will share his journey into unschooling with you if you just ask. When he's not riding his bike, Ben sells pharmaceuticals, and is an active officer in the Air National Guard.
Many of us grew up with rules—both in our parents' or grandparents' homes and in the schools that we attended. After leaving our homes, we then followed rules that our careers expected us to follow; and we added more rules when we chose our partner and had our own children. At some point, we decided to change our lives. We started considering a better way—a better way to parent, a better way to help our children learn, a better way to live. When we decided for that better way, some of us forgot that the rules we'd grown up with and had learned to live with were still there, lurking in the background like an old burden yet to be faced. When confronted with an unfamiliar situation or one we hadn’t seen for some time, we automatically opted for what was familiar—the rules that we'd grown up with.

When we learned how to ride a bike, we thought that first way that we learned was the only way that a bike could be ridden. There was just no other way. Having ridden over 10,000 miles of roads and over 50 bike trails in the past six years, I can tell you that my initial experience on a bike was nothing like I've had as an adult. As with my cycling, I've realized there is more than one way to live our lives. Living life based upon principles is a better way for me than living by rules. It's more honest, respectful, truthful, and makes much more sense. Principles have allowed me to figure out that music is a journey and not a destination that ends when I reached a certain age. Principles have allowed me to realize that riding a bike is a means and not an end. Principles have allowed me to think further about better ways to parent than using someone else's rules. Principles, in short, do not limit me the way that rules once did.

I've included the whole list of rules that I referred to during my discussion at the conference. Next to them are principles that relate to those rules and that can be incorporated into discussions and decisions into our lives and with our families. There are other rules just like there are other principles. These are just some of the common rules that many of us grew up with and may have carried forward. The important thing is to consider rules that we want to challenge and make changes where we can. The key is to think and not to just react. If you must keep rules in your home, make sure that you do so only after you ask yourself whether the rule makes sense to your situation. Using rules that others told you to use forces you and your children to live in the same mental void that you felt as a child and perhaps even into adulthood. At the very least, try to uphold things of principle and not to hold on to the threats that rules really are.

RULE

PRINCIPLE

Your curfew is . . . Safety & responsibility
Your bedtime is . . . Health & responsibility
You're too old to . . . Learning interests & maturity
You can only watch TV/use the computer/use the phone for a certain amount of time per day Learning interests & balance
You can't have dessert unless you eat all of your lunch/dinner first Long-term health
You have to clean your plate because people in other parts of the world aren't as lucky to have the food that you do Long-term health & balance
You can only read age-appropriate books and see age-appropriate movies/theatre Learning interests & maturity
You're too young to . . . Learning interests & maturity
Clean your room, take out the trash, cut the grass, etc.—chores Maturity, responsibility & balance
No jumping on the bed Furniture is more important than children
No fighting Safety, health, and kindness
No playing/eating in Mom and Dad's room/living room Priorities, priorities, priorities
No cussing Words are not inherently bad, there just may be better times to use them than others.
No cutting your hair Personal space; controlling of another's body
No wearing makeup/pantyhose until a certain age Personal space; controlling of another's body
You must attend church/school Assumption of someone else's beliefs; putting state/religion above individual
Don't talk back/you are a child so your opinion doesn't matter Talking back is usually modeled behavior; use Golden Rule; if everyone is part of the family, everyone's opinion should be respected
No dating until . . . Personal space; controlling interests
No eating between meals Health
Clean up after yourself/put one thing away before taking out another Putting things before people
Must play outside if the weather's nice Personal control; parents need to model this behavior
No boys in girls' room Trust and responsibility
Can't quit activities Health, safety, and interests
Have to practice (piano, etc.) Learning interests & maturity
Don't play with matches Safety and responsibility
Obey adults/say "please" and "thank you" Safety and health
No whining Whining is usually a modeled behavior; set better example
If you're under my roof, you'll follow my rules Mutual consideration of the others in the home/family


In closing, I've included lyrics of a song I had played at the conference. I think it fitting to offer these lyrics since they touch on what I said so well. Please recall the way the song was presented. Consider the singer as a parent; you hear the torment she feels. At first, the singer seems to be questioning how she got to the point where she is—following these rules that someone else has made up for her to live her life by. She then apologizes for how things are and we hear what appear to be children's voices after the initial apology. The singer then sings that, unbeknownst to her, she has become one of the rule makers herself—that she is one of the very people she is singing about. Again, she apologizes; she wonders again how things have become the way they are; and apologizes again. Finally, the singer wonders who and what have led her to this point. She questions how these rules have consumed her so completely as to not allow her to be able to do anything about it. And we hear the children's voices as the song ends.

Question the rules, and question the principles as well. But once you and your family have chosen the principles important to the family, you'll find that no one will want to change or break or get around them like they will rules. Principles sustain a life; rules will constrain that very same life. I think the singer realizes this; unfortunately, it sounds to me as if it may be too late for her to do anything about it.

video, followed by lyrics

They

by Jem

Ben wrote on facebook
on February 14, 2015:

First time watching this video. We spoke together
about rules vs principles, and this was a backdrop
for that presentation....at least for me.

...so I've added the video here.


Who made up all the rules
We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true
Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this
And it's ironic too
Coz what we tend to do
Is act on what they say
And then it is that way

And I’m sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry we do this

Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this
Who are they
And where are they
And how can they possibly
know all this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see
Why do we live like this
Is it because it's true
that ignorance is bliss

Who are they
And where are they
And how do they
know all this
And I'm sorry so sorry
I'm sorry it's like this


More by Ben Lovejoy

More on Rules and Principles or Unschooling

Ben Lovejoy's yahoogroups discussion list for dads
(yahoogroups cleared group archives, later)