[email protected]

<< > Do "they"
> (meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
> regardless of what "you" (as parents) think? >>

Oh! I never answered the question. <g>

They do what they want, but what they want is different than school-life
would have taught them to want.

Last night Kirby left to spend the night with friends without asking!!
He probably thought I had already gone to bed.

I'm not too concerned, though it DOES feel wrong to the voices in my head.

He spends Thursday night with them, more often than not, but last night was
MONDAY.
He missed hanging out with them last week, though, and this Thursday he will
be camping, so it's entirely understandable.

Will and Michelle are 20 and 19, I think. Not sure. Over 18, not 22.
They've been a couple for two years, and Kirby knew both before that, from
the anime club. Michelle lives in the dorms, but the dorms closed last week.
Her dad lives out of town 30 miles. Will lives in an apartment, and "going
to Will and Michelle's" usually means they all got to Will's and watch anime
or play video games until they're really sleepy, then Michelle goes back to
the dorm and Kirby stays there. Or Michelle stays too, and takes Kirby to
work the next morning. (Will doesn't drive.)

I think Kirby and Michelle would make a better couple than Will and Michelle
do. I'm not the only one. It's kind of a standing joke (the kind that's not
a joke). But I don't think for a minute that Kirby would "put the moves on
Michelle" at Will's house. Because they're all friends and they're all
bright and none of them are desperate (well maybe Will, a little <bwg>) it's
not a sexually charged situation.

I see it as similar to the way our kids have been treated regarding food
(what and when to eat) and TV (what and when and how much to watch) and
sleeping (sleeping is for recharging when you're tired). They've not been
told "when you're fourteen you can wear makeup, when you're fifteen you can
date, when you're sixteen you can stay out after midnight" as I was. When I
was a teen, if I had turned fifteen and NOT dated, after waiting all those
years, I would have been a failure! A loser! Kirby's sixteen and hasn't
"dated" and he's NOT a loser. Holly has worn make-up when she wanted to, so
she doesn't see it as proof that she's "old enough."

Gradual respected growing up results in kids who do what they want to do in a
thoughtful, responsible, calm manner.

Here's something I wrote recently about respect which I think applies:

http://sandradodd.com/respect

If they're respected, then they're respectful. There's a link at the bottom
to the article on "being spoiled" which also directly relates. My kids
aren't needy, and I think it's desperate neediness that causes most teen
problems.

Sandra

melissa4123

The opinions expressed in the responses to my question have
pretty much been what my initial thought was (although I realize I
didn't express myself very clearly in my original post). That if you
respect your children and are open and honest with them about
serious (and other issues as well) issues, they will be able to
make informed decisions. I realize that my child will not always
make the same decisions that I would have and that I have to
allow her that freedom. I didn't mean to sound as though I wish
to control her and make all choices in life for her. Only that I
hope to instill in her the values that our family has on certain
issues so that she has the tools that she needs to make her
own choices. I guess I just started to second guess myself and
panicked when I thought of her becoming a teen who might
make bad decisions, as we all do from time to time.

My own mother has been deceased for 11 years but, I suppose I
should have been able to look back on how she raised me and
how I acted as a teen to answer my own question. She was
open and honest and I always felt like I could talk to her about
anything. Although she was not trying to be my best friend (her
job was to teach and guide me, not to befriend me), that's exactly
what happened. As a result of her openness and honesty, I
always WANTED to get her opinion on things going on in my life.
After her death, I made some REALLY bad choices. Choices
which I KNOW I would not have made if she were living. I just
hope that my daughter feels the same way about me that I felt for
my mother. I suppose all I can do is what you all have said (and
what my own mother did) be honest, open, and willing to
discuss anything and keep my fingers crossed that she turns out
ok. :-)

Melissa


--- In [email protected],
SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
>
> << > Do "they"
> > (meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
> > regardless of what "you" (as parents) think? >>
>
> Oh! I never answered the question. <g>
>
> They do what they want, but what they want is different than
school-life
> would have taught them to want.
>
> Last night Kirby left to spend the night with friends without
asking!!
> He probably thought I had already gone to bed.
>
> I'm not too concerned, though it DOES feel wrong to the voices
in my head.
>
> He spends Thursday night with them, more often than not, but
last night was
> MONDAY.
> He missed hanging out with them last week, though, and this
Thursday he will
> be camping, so it's entirely understandable.
>
> Will and Michelle are 20 and 19, I think. Not sure. Over 18, not
22.
> They've been a couple for two years, and Kirby knew both
before that, from
> the anime club. Michelle lives in the dorms, but the dorms
closed last week.
> Her dad lives out of town 30 miles. Will lives in an apartment,
and "going
> to Will and Michelle's" usually means they all got to Will's and
watch anime
> or play video games until they're really sleepy, then Michelle
goes back to
> the dorm and Kirby stays there. Or Michelle stays too, and
takes Kirby to
> work the next morning. (Will doesn't drive.)
>
> I think Kirby and Michelle would make a better couple than Will
and Michelle
> do. I'm not the only one. It's kind of a standing joke (the kind
that's not
> a joke). But I don't think for a minute that Kirby would "put the
moves on
> Michelle" at Will's house. Because they're all friends and
they're all
> bright and none of them are desperate (well maybe Will, a little
<bwg>) it's
> not a sexually charged situation.
>
> I see it as similar to the way our kids have been treated
regarding food
> (what and when to eat) and TV (what and when and how much
to watch) and
> sleeping (sleeping is for recharging when you're tired). They've
not been
> told "when you're fourteen you can wear makeup, when you're
fifteen you can
> date, when you're sixteen you can stay out after midnight" as I
was. When I
> was a teen, if I had turned fifteen and NOT dated, after waiting
all those
> years, I would have been a failure! A loser! Kirby's sixteen and
hasn't
> "dated" and he's NOT a loser. Holly has worn make-up when
she wanted to, so
> she doesn't see it as proof that she's "old enough."
>
> Gradual respected growing up results in kids who do what they
want to do in a
> thoughtful, responsible, calm manner.
>
> Here's something I wrote recently about respect which I think
applies:
>
> http://sandradodd.com/respect
>
> If they're respected, then they're respectful. There's a link at the
bottom
> to the article on "being spoiled" which also directly relates. My
kids
> aren't needy, and I think it's desperate neediness that causes
most teen
> problems.
>
> Sandra

lite2yu2000

(>
> Here's something I wrote recently about respect which I think
applies:
>
> http://sandradodd.com/respect
>
> If they're respected, then they're respectful. There's a link at
the bottom
> to the article on "being spoiled" which also directly relates. My
kids
> aren't needy, and I think it's desperate neediness that causes most
teen
> problems.
>
> Sandra

This is AWESOME Sandra! And the one on Spoiled Children as well.
Respecting children and everyone for that matter, but in particular
young people, because they see so little of it BECAUSE of their age
is I think one of THE most important things we can do for them. I so
value articles like this that you write, and they are worth reading
over and over again.

Mary