Amy Childs

My almost-14-yr old unschooling (this is our 3rd year) daughter has become more and more bored, and more and more lonely, over the past year. This seems to be a result of a few different things (getting older, outgrowing her little (11yrs) sister, growing apart from the friends she had from her school years, her older brother going away to school, reaching a new level of maturity and depth of thought, interest in boys....) I have offered some ideas (getting a job, joining clubs, starting clubs, looking for friends online, starting projects, etc) but so far none of my suggestions have really appealed to her. I am wondering if this is a typical "entering adolescence" phase that many unschoolers go through. Here she has arrived at an age where peers are so important, yet for us it seems that true peers (other unschooling independent and powerful young people) are so very difficult to find. We don't know any other unschoolers (in person) at all. In past years this wasn't a problem, the kids had each other and their (school) friends in the neighborhood, but it is starting to feel like a very lonely life (esp for her). Funds are severly limited, so signing up for classes is a very big stretch for us.
I have posted some queries on my local unschooling lists, and have some more ideas to follow up on. In the meantime, I would love to hear if anyone has had similar issues with their own children, and how you might have dealt with it. Perhaps the hardest part for me is the fear of failing my children, the voices of inadequacy and doubt. I'd appreciate any suggestions or words of encouragement you may have to offer.

thanks, amy (from philadelphia)



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/17/05 5:27:44 PM, amyc@... writes:

<< I have offered some ideas (getting a job, joining clubs, starting clubs,
looking for friends online, starting projects, etc) but so far none of my
suggestions have really appealed to her. >>

Classes are cheaper than medical treatment or psychotherapy.
If it seems truly necessary for her to get out and meet people, you might
just need to spring for those class fees.

If you were using a homeschooling curriculum, that would cost a few hundred
dollars a year. If she were going to high school, you KNOW there there would
be school-required expenses (fees and $5 here and $20 there) PLUS the cost of
supplies and cool clothes and special shoes and whatever all else. So don't
do unschooling so cheap that you fail to fulfill your obligation. Some things
cost money.

But there are clubs that don't cost money.

What you might need to do is go with her. Don't send her off to join a
quilting group or a gardening club. Find a hiking club or history society or
geology club that you both could enjoy and maybe she'll love it and be willing to
go to some things without you.

Oh. Philadelphia. Scratch that geology club. I'm in a desert/mountain
neighborhood where the rocks stick out.

Try to find a way to be where other people are. Maybe babysit (not just her,
but both of you, at your house, maybe), and she might meet other families, at
least, like that, and have things to keep her occupied and get her enough
money to get out and do something a little more independently.

How is she musically? Are there choirs she could join? Folksinging
get-togethers?

What about art? Are there art clubs?

Could she volunteer to help at a museum or zoo or some such?

Sandra

pam sorooshian

On Jan 17, 2005, at 12:38 PM, Amy Childs wrote:

> My almost-14-yr old unschooling (this is our 3rd year) daughter has
> become more and more bored, and more and more lonely, over the past
> year. This seems to be a result of a few different things (getting
> older, outgrowing her little (11yrs) sister, growing apart from the
> friends she had from her school years, her older brother going away to
> school, reaching a new level of maturity and depth of thought,
> interest in boys....) I have offered some ideas (getting a job,
> joining clubs, starting clubs, looking for friends online, starting
> projects, etc) but so far none of my suggestions have really appealed
> to her. I am wondering if this is a typical "entering adolescence"
> phase that many unschoolers go through.

All three of my girls went through very very difficult times socially
at exactly that age. (Number 3 is there right now - she turns 14 in a
couple of weeks and just pulled out of a year and a half of miserable
sadness over being rejected by former friends.) I don't know what that
means - but they all three had a very hard time with friends or lack of
friends - either way - right at that age.

My suggestion is to encourage her to try out some different activities
- don't ask her to make a commitment, but just to try something for a
couple of weeks - even if nothing appeals to her - ask her to give a
try to the thing which is the least unappealing. I admit that I coaxed
and cajoled my daughter into trying karate and I got lucky - she loves
it and has made some good friends there and it gives her a place to be
with other kids of all ages. When my oldest was 13, almost 14, I got
her involved in a singing group - again - it took some coaxing and a
bit of pushing on my part - but I knew that she needed something like
that - and it was wonderful for her. So - that's my best suggestion -
well that and have a GOOD time together - it is okay for her to hang
out with you and her siblings - but if she's not having a good time,
then maybe you can find ways to relate to each other that work better
for her - slightly more adult ways. Take up some hobbies together -
take some classes together - exercise together - join a book club -
whatever.

-pam

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/17/2005 7:27:44 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
amyc@... writes:

My almost-14-yr old unschooling (this is our 3rd year) daughter has become
more and more bored, and more and more lonely, over the past year. This seems
to be a result of a few different things (getting older, outgrowing her
little (11yrs) sister, growing apart from the friends she had from her school
years, her older brother going away to school, reaching a new level of maturity
and depth of thought, interest in boys....)<<<<<

I think you're dead-on. I also think it's not abnormal. I think time and
sleep will take care of a lot of it. I think hooking her up with other
unschoolring teens would be extremely helpful.

>>>> I have offered some ideas (getting a job, joining clubs, starting
clubs, looking for friends online, starting projects, etc) but so far none of my
suggestions have really appealed to her. I am wondering if this is a typical
"entering adolescence" phase that many unschoolers go through.<<<<

I think so---in many cases. But I think it can be a typical "entering
adolescence" phase that many CHILDREN go through! Not just unschoolers. Some do;
some don't. I would keep offering, but not in an exasperated, nagging way.
Travel is good. Movies are cheaper! <g>

>>>>Here she has arrived at an age where peers are so important, yet for us
it seems that true peers (other unschooling independent and powerful young
people) are so very difficult to find. We don't know any other unschoolers (in
person) at all.<<<<

This is where the Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
(_http://liveandlearnconference.org/_ (http://liveandlearnconference.org/) ) could come in! You
might be surprised how many unschoolers *are* in your area----and you might
meet them for the first time IN St Louis! It's happened before! <g>


>>>> In past years this wasn't a problem, the kids had each other and their
(school) friends in the neighborhood, but it is starting to feel like a very
lonely life (esp for her). Funds are severly limited, so signing up for
classes is a very big stretch for us.<<<<<

But volunteering/bartering *can* be worked out! Think OUTside the box!


>>>I have posted some queries on my local unschooling lists, and have some
more ideas to follow up on. In the meantime, I would love to hear if anyone
has had similar issues with their own children, and how you might have dealt
with it. Perhaps the hardest part for me is the fear of failing my children,
the voices of inadequacy and doubt. I'd appreciate any suggestions or words of
encouragement you may have to offer.<<<<<

Cameron went through this---the deschooling period was filled with days of
*nothing* and his thoughts of inadequacies. Partly it was the recent departure
from school. Partly chatter from friends about how he would amount to nothing
by dropping out of school. Partly---well, it's the age: they can be
restless, yet unable to make decisions. Needing friends, but not wanting to make the
effort---thinking that everyone *else* has enough friends. Wanting to do
something, yet afraid to fail or not live up to their expectations.

Time. Patience. Trust. Respect. Same ol' same ol'! <g>

I would keep offering (gently) and get busy yourself with some new project
(One that may be harder for you than you'd thought may give her hope! If she
sees you struggle a bit,....). Rent movies and watch them with her. Play upbeat
music--old and new. Go out to ethnic restaurants---or make your own with
recipes from library cookbooks.

I'd be open enough to the possibility of depression too--just in case.

Keeping yourself open to whatever she'd like to talk about too--- Sandra's
Leaning on a Truck would be some god reading...

Good luck!

~Kelly

In a pond koi can reach lengths of eighteen inches. Amazingly, when placed
in a lake, koi can grow to three feet long. The metaphor is obvious. You
are limited by how you see the world. -Vince Poscente, Olympian (1961- )




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 1/19/2005 7:14:58 AM Mountain Standard Time,
kbcdlovejo@... writes:
Keeping yourself open to whatever she'd like to talk about too--- Sandra's
Leaning on a Truck would be some god reading...
----------------------
Readingness is next to godliness? <g>

http://sandradodd.com/truck


It's about side-by-side play, pretty much. Kind of about living a
two-for-one life.
No, it's about talking and sharing without pressure, and of being togetherd
in a heavy-on-the-BEing way, rather than the "together in same place, checklist
that, did it" way.

Sandra


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]