Chores, Messes and Madness
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In a message dated 2/13/2006 4:18:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,
lesajm@... writes:
But i am currently in a state of mind where i want my house in order and
resent the hell out of feeling like the maid and cook for everyone else.
Needless to say i am not liking myself much these days because i am
exhibiting such anger. I am feeling this overwhelming need for order in my
environment. And thus this is taking precedence over doing other things with
my kids. Along with the feeling that whatever i am doing it just doesn't
seem like enough. Something is very off kilter here...wonder if it's
hormonal.
Could be hormonal. I have sought help for this "clean house, kids are
responsible" obsession from my midwife. She said it may get better with time
(hormonal changes) and suggested I lower my expectations which I have not been
successful at doing. I have been in the same place (feeling off kilter) and have
been since I had my second child. He is 6.5 so its been quite awhile. I am
consumed with having an immaculate house and I yell at my kids and freak out at
least weekly about their messes. Sometimes more often. I have cried about my
outbursts, apologized incessantly and have tried to look at it from their side
but until now have not really understood that it was my issue. I just
couldn't understand how they "couldn't see" the same crap I was stepping over, etc.
I have accused them of not caring about my feelings and other such insanity
when in actuality they are just busy, creative, carefree kids who just want to
have fun and live in a happy world. People who know us are completely unaware
of this ugly side of our lives (thankfully) but the water delivery man caught
me in action a few months ago. I was sure the protective service people would
be at my door after he heard me screaming for my kids to pick up their crap.
I was a raving lunatic over an emptied bin of Fashion Polly toys. Yikes. I
am admitting this to complete strangers in the hope that it may help me stay
on this newfound path.
Yesterday was my first day of not asking them to clean up anything and just
simply putting away stuff I wanted put away. Reading the wise words of those
on this loop has helped me see things in a new light. Basically, this really
is my issue and I am going to continue to try very hard to stay on this new
path and try to enjoy my family and their messes more. We officially have a
non-yelling household as I grew up with a loud Italian yelling mother and I do not
want to pass on this legacy. I am the only one who breaks the no yelling
rule with my ranting about house cleaning. No more. Here's to another day of
finding joy in housework. This is corny but I was folding laundry yesterday and
looking at all of my two year old's tiny little dresses and sweet clothes I
was able to actually enjoy folding them and realize how short a time they are
going to be this small. I found myself thinking grateful thoughts like how
wonderful it is that she is able to feed herself and smear yogurt around the
house. Instead of getting upset with my 8 year old who changes her clothes several
times a day and who produces the majority of laundry in our home I praised her
for always looking so beautiful and neat and for caring about herself. As I
was saying the words to her I realized that the words represented my true
feelings and that I really do love all these qualities about her. This awakening is
a result of reading these posts you have shared. For the first time ever I
have hope that I can be a better mother and am committed to having a happier
world for my sweet children. I have shifted my thinking and so far it feels
good and I feel like it is going to work for us.
This has been a source of guilt and shame for me for years and I have looked
into all sorts of solutions but changing myself was never proposed. Except
when I've been told to learn to live with the mess which definitely makes me
crazy and has never worked. As reported in one post, my husband is also a source
of aggravation when he comes home and asks me why the house is such a mess
even after I've ranted and yelled all day at my kids to keep it clean. We'll
see if he notices any changes in the condition of the house or in our new found
joy. As someone else posted, I don't want my children to remember me a a
neurotic screaming lunatic. I hope this new joy continues as I do not miss my old
ways or the guilt and self loathing that went with it.
Thank you again ladies. For sharing your insight. You are helping to make
our (I mean my family's) world a better place. I am going to go play Herd Your
Horses at 8:00 in the morning. The dishes will wait.
Warmly,
Robin in MA, truly enjoying the morning with 8 year old Melissa, 6 year old
Sam and darling Madison who is 2. I also have two messy foster sons ages 15
and 16 who I am appreciating more as well. They will learn housekeeping through
osmosis. Hopefully hubby won't freak out with his new happier, messier
family. Happy Valentine's Day!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lesajm@... writes:
But i am currently in a state of mind where i want my house in order and
resent the hell out of feeling like the maid and cook for everyone else.
Needless to say i am not liking myself much these days because i am
exhibiting such anger. I am feeling this overwhelming need for order in my
environment. And thus this is taking precedence over doing other things with
my kids. Along with the feeling that whatever i am doing it just doesn't
seem like enough. Something is very off kilter here...wonder if it's
hormonal.
Could be hormonal. I have sought help for this "clean house, kids are
responsible" obsession from my midwife. She said it may get better with time
(hormonal changes) and suggested I lower my expectations which I have not been
successful at doing. I have been in the same place (feeling off kilter) and have
been since I had my second child. He is 6.5 so its been quite awhile. I am
consumed with having an immaculate house and I yell at my kids and freak out at
least weekly about their messes. Sometimes more often. I have cried about my
outbursts, apologized incessantly and have tried to look at it from their side
but until now have not really understood that it was my issue. I just
couldn't understand how they "couldn't see" the same crap I was stepping over, etc.
I have accused them of not caring about my feelings and other such insanity
when in actuality they are just busy, creative, carefree kids who just want to
have fun and live in a happy world. People who know us are completely unaware
of this ugly side of our lives (thankfully) but the water delivery man caught
me in action a few months ago. I was sure the protective service people would
be at my door after he heard me screaming for my kids to pick up their crap.
I was a raving lunatic over an emptied bin of Fashion Polly toys. Yikes. I
am admitting this to complete strangers in the hope that it may help me stay
on this newfound path.
Yesterday was my first day of not asking them to clean up anything and just
simply putting away stuff I wanted put away. Reading the wise words of those
on this loop has helped me see things in a new light. Basically, this really
is my issue and I am going to continue to try very hard to stay on this new
path and try to enjoy my family and their messes more. We officially have a
non-yelling household as I grew up with a loud Italian yelling mother and I do not
want to pass on this legacy. I am the only one who breaks the no yelling
rule with my ranting about house cleaning. No more. Here's to another day of
finding joy in housework. This is corny but I was folding laundry yesterday and
looking at all of my two year old's tiny little dresses and sweet clothes I
was able to actually enjoy folding them and realize how short a time they are
going to be this small. I found myself thinking grateful thoughts like how
wonderful it is that she is able to feed herself and smear yogurt around the
house. Instead of getting upset with my 8 year old who changes her clothes several
times a day and who produces the majority of laundry in our home I praised her
for always looking so beautiful and neat and for caring about herself. As I
was saying the words to her I realized that the words represented my true
feelings and that I really do love all these qualities about her. This awakening is
a result of reading these posts you have shared. For the first time ever I
have hope that I can be a better mother and am committed to having a happier
world for my sweet children. I have shifted my thinking and so far it feels
good and I feel like it is going to work for us.
This has been a source of guilt and shame for me for years and I have looked
into all sorts of solutions but changing myself was never proposed. Except
when I've been told to learn to live with the mess which definitely makes me
crazy and has never worked. As reported in one post, my husband is also a source
of aggravation when he comes home and asks me why the house is such a mess
even after I've ranted and yelled all day at my kids to keep it clean. We'll
see if he notices any changes in the condition of the house or in our new found
joy. As someone else posted, I don't want my children to remember me a a
neurotic screaming lunatic. I hope this new joy continues as I do not miss my old
ways or the guilt and self loathing that went with it.
Thank you again ladies. For sharing your insight. You are helping to make
our (I mean my family's) world a better place. I am going to go play Herd Your
Horses at 8:00 in the morning. The dishes will wait.
Warmly,
Robin in MA, truly enjoying the morning with 8 year old Melissa, 6 year old
Sam and darling Madison who is 2. I also have two messy foster sons ages 15
and 16 who I am appreciating more as well. They will learn housekeeping through
osmosis. Hopefully hubby won't freak out with his new happier, messier
family. Happy Valentine's Day!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Su Penn
On Feb 14, 2006, at 8:50 AM, ohpurple1@... wrote:
when he said to me one day...after we'd been together, what, 10 years
or something and still wrangling about house stuff..."Where is the
clutter you are always talking about? You're always saying that this
house is cluttered and I don't see any clutter, so can you just point
some things out?" What an eye-opener! He did not experience things as
clutter that I thought were obvious.
You said something later in your post about having a happier,
messier, house. You may end up with a happier CLEANER house. I have.
The more I relax about the housework, the more able I am to jump in
and do it, because it's not like a heavy burden I have to drag myself
to. So I find I am ending up with what I thought I wanted--the
cleaner, tidier house--with the added bonus of feeling more relaxed
myself and enjoying my family more. Wow.
Su
>It was a big breakthrough in my relationship with my partner David
> rom their side
> but until now have not really understood that it was my issue. I just
> couldn't understand how they "couldn't see" the same crap I was
> stepping over, etc.
when he said to me one day...after we'd been together, what, 10 years
or something and still wrangling about house stuff..."Where is the
clutter you are always talking about? You're always saying that this
house is cluttered and I don't see any clutter, so can you just point
some things out?" What an eye-opener! He did not experience things as
clutter that I thought were obvious.
You said something later in your post about having a happier,
messier, house. You may end up with a happier CLEANER house. I have.
The more I relax about the housework, the more able I am to jump in
and do it, because it's not like a heavy burden I have to drag myself
to. So I find I am ending up with what I thought I wanted--the
cleaner, tidier house--with the added bonus of feeling more relaxed
myself and enjoying my family more. Wow.
Su