Christy Putnam

I have really been learning a lot by reading everyone's posts and I even
have saved some sites on my favorites to return to and order books as money
allows (I looked them up at library and they don't have them...). Thank you
so much for being open to my ignorance :)

I have to admit that I have never regretted more in my life than the last 11
years of parenting. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret being a parent at
all, just the way I have parented. I am sure some of you kwim. I know the
saying goes, we do the best we have with what we've got and now that we know
better we can do better but still, how does one un-do 11 years and start
over? I am not as self-less as some of the people I have seen post about
how they do sleep patterns or even adjust their days. I am a person that
has to have some kind of order to the day, some kind of rhythm. I have so
many things that need to get completed (or started) each day and of course I
need my sleep that to be random and uberflexible would be
counterproductive...add to that the many other dynamics of our household (I
started to list but it seems too long).

Basically, my goal is to have a balance of everyone's (including parents)
needs/wants being met while guiding my children into respectful, responsible
adults one day. I know some of it is a matter of letting go and trusting
which is something my dh and I have issues with that we are working on but
it is hard to reprogram 30+ years of 'habit'

Regarding my oldest:
As I asked, how do I re-do 11 years and start over? how do I let go and
trust while there are still 'things' Seth is responsible for doing each
day/week? to be more specific on some "things": Twice a day he is supposed
to feed the animals (1 dog and 1 cat) and give them fresh water. Twice a
day he is supposed to brush his teeth. Once a day he is supposed to take a
shower and clean himself. Since we are living with my FIL space is limited
and we have to put our 'office' in Seth's room and since it is so very
small, the mess spills over into the office area and really gets to me so he
is supposed to tidy his room each day. Twice a week he is supposed to gather
the trash and take it out to the curb for pick-up. So are we supposed to
just let him go and not require that he continue on with his regular
responsibilities and us do them instead? If so how do we get him to bathe
and brush his teeth each day (a struggle at *all* times)...or do we just
deal with the stink of him not bathing and cost of dental work? I do not
think it too much to ask for him to go to bed at a reasonable time so that
we as parents have some down time before going to bed ourselves...to me that
is part of the balance I am striving for. So...how do I start, right now,
implementing this new way of life? Do we sit down and talk about it? Do we
just stop asking him to do things or reminding him to do the task and if he
doesn't do it, us just do it? Do we just allow him to sit around and eat
all day even though we aren't the ones who buy a majority of the food?

Regarding my youngest:
Poor Aden (1) had a pretty rough start and nothing went as I planned except
having an amazing homebirth and being able to stay home with him. I wasn't
able to breastfeed and while trying to get that started and/or figure out
why I couldn't we were spending so much time trying things that we didn't
get a chance to learn his cues of sleepy, hungry, etc. So since I had to go
to bottle feeding anyway, we started feeding by the clock (he had to gain
weight fast) instead of on demand like I wanted. Long story short, the
reason his sleeping has been an issue is that because he was hungry all the
time (and I didn't know it or we were trying different attachment
techniques) he cried all the time and didn't sleep very well. With sign
language and kinda knowing how long it has been since he last ate, I am
learning when he wants to sleep. My questions regarding this age and
starting the 'let go and trust' thing is how do you establish respect for
others when the world centers around them? How do you "teach" that they
will not always get what they want when they want it (toys, etc) and that it
is okay? How do you get anything done (run errands, etc) when they can only
sleep in their beds, on you, etc?

Okay I think I have taken enough time right now. I look forward to your
words of wisdom :)

In Gratitude,


Christy Putnam
<http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance>
http://blog.myspace.com/personal_balance


Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase
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"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you have always imagined."
- Henry David Thoreau




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[email protected]

-----Original Message-----
From: Christy Putnam personal_balance@...

I know the saying goes, we do the best we have with what we've got and now that we know better we can do better but still, how does one un-do 11 years and start over?
-=-=-=-

Apologize. Mean it. Promise to do better. DO it.

I'll get back to the rest later. I'm slammed.


~Kelly

Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org




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[email protected]

>>I have to admit that I have never regretted more in my life than the last 11
years of parenting.>>

You've got to let that go. Dwelling in past hurts won't help you move forward NOW. Start right now to make better choices each and every day when it comes to parenting. Don't have regrets, make it better. Be the mom your kids deserve. Have the family you've always wanted. :o)

>>As I asked, how do I re-do 11 years and start over?>>

Slowly, one choice at a time.

>>So are we supposed to just let him go and not require that he continue on with his regular responsibilities and us do them instead? >>

I would start by not sweating the "chores" so much. Maybe do them together or pitch in when he's really not feeling like helping out. Say yes more often and nag less. See if he'll help you do other stuff instead. Not as a chore, but just notice when he offers to help bring in the groceries, or watch the little one while you shower, or clear off the table before dinner. Whatever it is. Take notice of his participation in family rituals. Give him some space and see if you can build a relationship that's not built on you nagging and reminding him of what he should be doing. Notice what he is doing and build on that.

>>If so how do we get him to bathe
and brush his teeth each day (a struggle at *all* times)...or do we just
deal with the stink of him not bathing and cost of dental work?>>

I know it seems logical that if a kid doesn't bathe they'll stink and if they don't brush twice a day they'll get many cavities. But is this really the truth? My kids are both in the hormonal changes of puberty and missing showers or baths still does not result in them stinking. it has more to do with their hair getting oily and messy than anything else. Both have the choice to shower or not. Both have gone through non-showering times, but on the whole each prefers to be clean and presentable.

And of course there are lots of ways to invite a child to shower or brush teeth without forcing it. Fun toothpaste, a new electric toothbrush, foaming bath gel, etc. have all worked around here. And my kids have had 4 cavities total between the two of them. It didn't seem to be connected to their teeth brushing habits at all either. Each of the just seemed to get a cavity or 2 as puberty started.


--
~Mary, unschooling mom to Conor (16) and Casey (11)

"Just today I'm going to be utterly present for my children, I'm going to be in their world (not just doing my own thing while they do theirs), I'm going to really hear them, I'm going to prepare myself to be present starting right now."
~Ren Allen




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Joyce Fetteroll

On Jan 20, 2006, at 5:28 PM, zenmomma@... wrote:

> just notice when he offers to help bring in the groceries, or watch
> the little one while you shower, or clear off the table before dinner.

And by noticing you may want to focus on what he's done for you
rather than letting him know you noticed he's helping. The first will
let him know he's valued. The second sends a message that he's
finally doing what you'd like him to do -- and the result is he may
back off.

Say "Thank you. That helped me out a lot," rather than "I noticed
that you did such and such. Thank you."

On Jan 20, 2006, at 1:21 PM, Christy Putnam wrote:
> how do I let go and
> trust while there are still 'things' Seth is responsible for doing
> each
> day/week?

I read through the whole list of expectations and frankly it made me
exhausted! Both for him and for you. For him not because the list is
so difficult but because it's someone else's expectations of what he
should be doing with his time. For you because you need to keep on
top of him to make sure he does it. I know if I've delegated parts of
some task to my daughter to do sometime during the day, ideally I
want to hand it over so I can mentally check it off my list. In
reality it expands so that the item pops up every half hour or so as
I check to see if I can get it off my list or not.

I'd say do it yourself. Invite him along. Ask if he'd like to keep
you company so you can talk about stuff while you do something. But
honestly I wouldn't expect him to jump up and start pitching in. He
needs to time to be free of being told what to do before he can feel
free to lend a hand because he wants to. Right now if he hears an
honest question like "Would you mind doing x?" where his answer of no
is as acceptable as yes, he's not going to hear it as a question but
as a supposedly polite way of saying: "Do x."

There's lots of collected questions and answers about chores at my
website: http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/

> My questions regarding this age and
> starting the 'let go and trust' thing is how do you establish
> respect for
> others when the world centers around them? How do you "teach" that
> they
> will not always get what they want when they want it (toys, etc)
> and that it
> is okay? How do you get anything done (run errands, etc) when they
> can only
> sleep in their beds, on you, etc?

I think I would stop focusing on why you think he's so demanding. It
could very well be it's an inherent part of his personality and he
would have been that way even if he'd breastfed.

So instead of focusing on changing him, focus on helping him. (That
may not make sense now, but it will later.) He needs to know your his
partner in his dealing with the world. Calmly accept that he may feel
needs stronger than other kids and help him be happy. (He won't be
happy always. But helping figure out pathways to help himself get to
happiness. Again, that probably won't make sense yet!)

He's too young for you to expect him to see the needs of others as
more important than his. He will learn because he'll mature and his
needs will change and because all of life won't respond to him
immediately.

To get there, when you can't respond immediately -- like if you're
going to the bathroom! -- be honest that you can't get there right
away but then *do* respond as soon as you can. Help him build a sense
of trust that his needs are at the top of your priority list and that
you will help him as soon as humanly possible.

I know I sometimes get into a mode where it seems like it's my job to
do everything and why can't my daughter understand that she shouldn't
be dumping another thing on top of a burden that's already too large
and I get frustrated with her. Don't do that ;-) Accept that
sometimes things pile up and all we can do is tackle things as best
we can. Be honest that you'll be there when you can *and then be
there when you can*.

Joyce
Answers to common unschooling questions:
http://home.earthlink.net/~fetteroll/rejoycing/
Blog of writing prompts for speculative fiction writers:
http://dragonwritingprompts.blogsome.com/



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