Re: Discouraged - long
[email protected]
Hello.
I was sitting depressed in the other room, and I thought, "Why don't I go
bounce these feelings off of the wonderful folks at "Always Unschooled"
and "Unschooling Basics"? So, here I am.
As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how uptight I
am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the people who
have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That sounds
silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know people
alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling is. I'm
feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptight people
who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical unschooling can
mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feeling incapable of
carrying it out.
Latest example:
I got a huge stamping set for my girls and me for Christmas. It comes with
lots of stamps, stamp pads, special markers, colored pencils and blank
cards. We got it out today, and I'm pretty sure that by the end I had
eliminated every possible bit of joy that could come from it. I didn't
want them pressing too hard with the special markers (afterall we have
plenty of other markers for that). I didn't want them mixing the colors of
the stamp pads. Then we wouldn't have any pads left that were one clean
color. I didn't want them using every single stamp just to see what it
looked like, because then I would have to figure out how to clean all of
them (and I don't even know how to do that yet - feel free to offer tips).
UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each crying at some
point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them? Then I
think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could unschool my
daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to tell
myself to ease up. These things do not matter, but the practical mind
overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we won't
have it to use at all later on." Even my body locks up - shoulders droop
and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shaking
slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my controlling way.)
I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I interact
with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut.
I'm sure I sound like a complete nut too, and normally I would not even
show this side of myself for fear of what others would think of me. If you
met me in real life I would appear quite friendly and even calm. That is a
part of me too. But, for my children's sake, I have to fess up to this
other side of me.
Did any of you start from this place? What helped you? How did you
progress? I think I need to hear that I can do it, and school is NOT a
better place for my children to be. That's what I immediately start to
think - "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I have the
vision but none of the personality."
Could one of you adopt us for a while, so I can learn a different way of
being? : ) I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planet whose way
of life seems much closer to what I want, but I am just not catching on to
the fundamental qualities of their lives.
Thank you to any who take the time to read this and respond.
Gayle (mom to Faye 5 and Annika 3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was sitting depressed in the other room, and I thought, "Why don't I go
bounce these feelings off of the wonderful folks at "Always Unschooled"
and "Unschooling Basics"? So, here I am.
As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how uptight I
am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the people who
have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That sounds
silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know people
alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling is. I'm
feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptight people
who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical unschooling can
mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feeling incapable of
carrying it out.
Latest example:
I got a huge stamping set for my girls and me for Christmas. It comes with
lots of stamps, stamp pads, special markers, colored pencils and blank
cards. We got it out today, and I'm pretty sure that by the end I had
eliminated every possible bit of joy that could come from it. I didn't
want them pressing too hard with the special markers (afterall we have
plenty of other markers for that). I didn't want them mixing the colors of
the stamp pads. Then we wouldn't have any pads left that were one clean
color. I didn't want them using every single stamp just to see what it
looked like, because then I would have to figure out how to clean all of
them (and I don't even know how to do that yet - feel free to offer tips).
UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each crying at some
point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them? Then I
think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could unschool my
daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to tell
myself to ease up. These things do not matter, but the practical mind
overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we won't
have it to use at all later on." Even my body locks up - shoulders droop
and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shaking
slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my controlling way.)
I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I interact
with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut.
I'm sure I sound like a complete nut too, and normally I would not even
show this side of myself for fear of what others would think of me. If you
met me in real life I would appear quite friendly and even calm. That is a
part of me too. But, for my children's sake, I have to fess up to this
other side of me.
Did any of you start from this place? What helped you? How did you
progress? I think I need to hear that I can do it, and school is NOT a
better place for my children to be. That's what I immediately start to
think - "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I have the
vision but none of the personality."
Could one of you adopt us for a while, so I can learn a different way of
being? : ) I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planet whose way
of life seems much closer to what I want, but I am just not catching on to
the fundamental qualities of their lives.
Thank you to any who take the time to read this and respond.
Gayle (mom to Faye 5 and Annika 3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kkraczek1969
Hi Gayle,
While I am new to unschooling, I'm not so new to parenting, and I
truly feel for you. I understand the "controlling" feeling as well-
(yep, I'm a controller too) and you're right- it almost always comes
with disastrous consequences! It's not an easy thing to change, since
at least part of it is your inborn personality. BUT, you have an
advantage- you see that you have this issue, and you want to do
something about it. It will be hard, but you CAN DO IT! (Just think of
other people that don't have your insightfulness, and go about
thinking that controlling their children is the right thing to do!)
Just to address your exmaple with the stamp set, perhaps you could get
an inexpensive stamp set for your kids to play with, uninhibited. Let
them explore it, mix the colors, etc, and see what happens. They will
probably realize on their own quite quickly what happens when the
colors are mixed. Don't you remember the watercolor boxes in
elementary school? It always made me mad to open a box that had all
brown paints because someone had mixed them together. I learned not to
do that all on my own.
If you stick with that thought, that they will learn from their own
experiences, and you let go of the perfectionism, your life will be so
much easier. Your shoulders will relax and you will start to feel the
joy of their learning experience- because it has to be THEIR
experience. (As much as we want to protect them from mistakes, big and
small, the lesson still has to be theirs, or they won't truly
appreciate it) I have learned to give my kids more responsibility, and
in turn they have learned that they need to think harder about their
choices- because they don't want to make the wrong choice!
Practice your yoga, breathe through your desire to control their
activities, and ENJOY their discoveries- watch their happy little
faces as they experience life! :)
I hope this helps- please don't beat yourself up- life is too short to
be so stressed out!
Kristin
Mom to Alex (14) Haley (11) & Rachel (9)
While I am new to unschooling, I'm not so new to parenting, and I
truly feel for you. I understand the "controlling" feeling as well-
(yep, I'm a controller too) and you're right- it almost always comes
with disastrous consequences! It's not an easy thing to change, since
at least part of it is your inborn personality. BUT, you have an
advantage- you see that you have this issue, and you want to do
something about it. It will be hard, but you CAN DO IT! (Just think of
other people that don't have your insightfulness, and go about
thinking that controlling their children is the right thing to do!)
Just to address your exmaple with the stamp set, perhaps you could get
an inexpensive stamp set for your kids to play with, uninhibited. Let
them explore it, mix the colors, etc, and see what happens. They will
probably realize on their own quite quickly what happens when the
colors are mixed. Don't you remember the watercolor boxes in
elementary school? It always made me mad to open a box that had all
brown paints because someone had mixed them together. I learned not to
do that all on my own.
If you stick with that thought, that they will learn from their own
experiences, and you let go of the perfectionism, your life will be so
much easier. Your shoulders will relax and you will start to feel the
joy of their learning experience- because it has to be THEIR
experience. (As much as we want to protect them from mistakes, big and
small, the lesson still has to be theirs, or they won't truly
appreciate it) I have learned to give my kids more responsibility, and
in turn they have learned that they need to think harder about their
choices- because they don't want to make the wrong choice!
Practice your yoga, breathe through your desire to control their
activities, and ENJOY their discoveries- watch their happy little
faces as they experience life! :)
I hope this helps- please don't beat yourself up- life is too short to
be so stressed out!
Kristin
Mom to Alex (14) Haley (11) & Rachel (9)
>I go
> Hello.
>
> I was sitting depressed in the other room, and I thought, "Why don't
> bounce these feelings off of the wonderful folks at "Always Unschooled"uptight I
> and "Unschooling Basics"? So, here I am.
>
> As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how
> am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the people whois. I'm
> have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That sounds
> silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
> authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know people
> alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling
> feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptightpeople
> who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical unschoolingcan
> mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feelingincapable of
> carrying it out.comes with
>
> Latest example:
>
> I got a huge stamping set for my girls and me for Christmas. It
> lots of stamps, stamp pads, special markers, colored pencils and blankcolors of
> cards. We got it out today, and I'm pretty sure that by the end I had
> eliminated every possible bit of joy that could come from it. I didn't
> want them pressing too hard with the special markers (afterall we have
> plenty of other markers for that). I didn't want them mixing the
> the stamp pads. Then we wouldn't have any pads left that were one cleanall of
> color. I didn't want them using every single stamp just to see what it
> looked like, because then I would have to figure out how to clean
> them (and I don't even know how to do that yet - feel free to offertips).
> UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each cryingat some
> point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them? Then Iunschool my
> think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could
> daughters. I'm only getting in the way.droop
>
> That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to tell
> myself to ease up. These things do not matter, but the practical mind
> overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we won't
> have it to use at all later on." Even my body locks up - shoulders
> and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shakingway.)
> slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my controlling
> I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I interactIf you
> with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut.
>
> I'm sure I sound like a complete nut too, and normally I would not even
> show this side of myself for fear of what others would think of me.
> met me in real life I would appear quite friendly and even calm.That is a
> part of me too. But, for my children's sake, I have to fess up to thisway of
> other side of me.
> Did any of you start from this place? What helped you? How did you
> progress? I think I need to hear that I can do it, and school is NOT a
> better place for my children to be. That's what I immediately start to
> think - "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I have the
> vision but none of the personality."
>
> Could one of you adopt us for a while, so I can learn a different
> being? : ) I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planetwhose way
> of life seems much closer to what I want, but I am just not catchingon to
> the fundamental qualities of their lives.
>
> Thank you to any who take the time to read this and respond.
>
> Gayle (mom to Faye 5 and Annika 3 1/2)
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Joanne
Gayle....
First...here's a (((((BIGCYBERHUG))))
That stamping set sounds like a lot of fun! I'm sure for a 3 and 5
year old, they just wanted to dig in and didn't really think about
taking care of it. My three are the same way. Having come from the
foster care system, they were never shown how to take care of things
so although they are older, they would have done the same thing your
girls did.
Here's what I do...maybe some of my ideas will help you out.
When I buy something that needs to be done in a certain way, I do it
with them one at a time. That way, I can focus on only one, not
three and it seems to go smoothly. I also (and this is a biggie)
make sure I'm calm and stress free before we get started. If I'm
having a bad day, I don't attempt to show them something that needs
patience. Another thing I do is buy a less expensive model of
something first so they can get the feel of it.
You're a great mom!!
How could I possibly know that? I don't even know you....
I know because you're here...looking for a better way!
Your kids are SO LUCKY to have a mom that cares about them so much
to want to put herself and her mistakes out there just so she can
find a better way.
((((morehugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
First...here's a (((((BIGCYBERHUG))))
That stamping set sounds like a lot of fun! I'm sure for a 3 and 5
year old, they just wanted to dig in and didn't really think about
taking care of it. My three are the same way. Having come from the
foster care system, they were never shown how to take care of things
so although they are older, they would have done the same thing your
girls did.
Here's what I do...maybe some of my ideas will help you out.
When I buy something that needs to be done in a certain way, I do it
with them one at a time. That way, I can focus on only one, not
three and it seems to go smoothly. I also (and this is a biggie)
make sure I'm calm and stress free before we get started. If I'm
having a bad day, I don't attempt to show them something that needs
patience. Another thing I do is buy a less expensive model of
something first so they can get the feel of it.
You're a great mom!!
How could I possibly know that? I don't even know you....
I know because you're here...looking for a better way!
Your kids are SO LUCKY to have a mom that cares about them so much
to want to put herself and her mistakes out there just so she can
find a better way.
((((morehugs)))
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
[email protected]
Gayle, I had a flashback moment of my own childhood over Christmas. I was
so busy this year (husband overseas) and my mom said she would make cookies
with the kids. She was so controlling and in such a rush to get it done, that
my son quit after about a minute. My daughter hung in there, but they were
starting to battle wills. I remembered being a little girl in the same
situation, not getting it right and not getting to experiment and having to do it
mom's way and on mom's timeschedule. And I could see how I am just like her!
My kids don't follow directions well and are impulsive, so it has been hard
for me to do things with them. I find it best to let them explore on their
own. We are just now getting where it is easier....today my daughter and I
made a pie! That is huge for me on so many levels, but she is also more
willing to follow instructions (watch the hot pot while you stir, etc.). So maybe
there are just some things that you don't do RIGHT NOW. As they grow and you
work on your controlling a bit at a time, you'll be able to do more and more
together. Also, try to set up the environment for your peace of mind. My
kids do a lot of painting and messy stuff outside!
A side note, my mom bought my daughter lots of really nice art supplies for
Christmas. She talked to the owner of the art shop for a long time. His
suggestion was to only give a couple of colors at a time and a couple of
materials at a time so the child can experience the joy of creating without the pain
of the brown, muddy mess. This might not work in all situations, but
something to think about.
I also like what Ren said about being in the moment. Sometimes when I am
flustered I think "I can't change what is happening now, this is as it is".
This helps me move past the resistance and what "should be" and get on to
addressing the issue as it is. Such a small thing but such a huge difference in
my reaction.
I hope you can forgive yourself and know that no one could unschool your
kids like you do, you are their mom and they love you for you.....warts, control
issues and all!
Leslie in SC, running off to check out Ren's list!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
so busy this year (husband overseas) and my mom said she would make cookies
with the kids. She was so controlling and in such a rush to get it done, that
my son quit after about a minute. My daughter hung in there, but they were
starting to battle wills. I remembered being a little girl in the same
situation, not getting it right and not getting to experiment and having to do it
mom's way and on mom's timeschedule. And I could see how I am just like her!
My kids don't follow directions well and are impulsive, so it has been hard
for me to do things with them. I find it best to let them explore on their
own. We are just now getting where it is easier....today my daughter and I
made a pie! That is huge for me on so many levels, but she is also more
willing to follow instructions (watch the hot pot while you stir, etc.). So maybe
there are just some things that you don't do RIGHT NOW. As they grow and you
work on your controlling a bit at a time, you'll be able to do more and more
together. Also, try to set up the environment for your peace of mind. My
kids do a lot of painting and messy stuff outside!
A side note, my mom bought my daughter lots of really nice art supplies for
Christmas. She talked to the owner of the art shop for a long time. His
suggestion was to only give a couple of colors at a time and a couple of
materials at a time so the child can experience the joy of creating without the pain
of the brown, muddy mess. This might not work in all situations, but
something to think about.
I also like what Ren said about being in the moment. Sometimes when I am
flustered I think "I can't change what is happening now, this is as it is".
This helps me move past the resistance and what "should be" and get on to
addressing the issue as it is. Such a small thing but such a huge difference in
my reaction.
I hope you can forgive yourself and know that no one could unschool your
kids like you do, you are their mom and they love you for you.....warts, control
issues and all!
Leslie in SC, running off to check out Ren's list!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanne
I wanted to claify something I posted.
<<<<When I buy something that needs to be done in a certain way>>>
What I meant by "certain way" was a certain way to take care of it so
that it lasts. We're 5 people on one salary so when we buy something
that costs more than a few bucks, we try to take care of it. Those are
the things I do with them one at a time.
I didn't mean that there is a certain way of doing it. Being creative
sometimes means using tools in a different way that than was
intended.
<<<<When I buy something that needs to be done in a certain way>>>
What I meant by "certain way" was a certain way to take care of it so
that it lasts. We're 5 people on one salary so when we buy something
that costs more than a few bucks, we try to take care of it. Those are
the things I do with them one at a time.
I didn't mean that there is a certain way of doing it. Being creative
sometimes means using tools in a different way that than was
intended.
>
> ~ Joanne ~
> Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
> Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
> http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
>
Joanne
UUUUGGG!!!! Why can't yahoo have an edit button?????
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
>>>>>I wanted to claify something I posted.>>>>>CLARIFY!!!!!!
~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
simplemom3
> As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with howuptight I am.
*******
Gayle,
The fact that you recognize this is part of the growth process. If
it aint broke, why would we bother to fix it?? Facing things that we
don't like about ourselves is pretty darned empowering....if you
think of it that way.
I'm feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling,
uptight people who want the joy and freedom and everything that
radical unschooling can mean for my children (and my whole family)
but I am feeling incapable of
carrying it out.
***************
Again, you have to give yourself the gift of TIME. Rome wasn't built
in a day, and you aren't going to be able to shift to a new set of
beliefs and actions in a day, week, or month. It's an ongoing
process that takes time to evolve. That's the beauty of it....you
never stop learning and growing.
Then I think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could
unschool my
daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
******************
One HUGE thing you have to realize is that nobody on this earth could
be your daughters' Mom better than you can. They are still so
young....and resilient. I have apologized to my 12 yo dd many times
for things that I did "before unschooling," and she has never
remembered even ONE incident that I described. She has said things
like, "Geez Mom, I don't remember that....and even if you did do it
(or say it), I know you didn't know any better....you would never do
anything to hurt us on purpose."
Believe me, I am as anal retentive as they come (but I am
recovering :) When you described the stamp kit scenario, I could
totally relate to your feelings. May I suggest that, for a while,
you forget about things like planned projects, unless both you and
your children totally enjoy them. Just focus on the really simple
stuff. If they like videos, TV, playing games, just being silly with
you -- go with it. It's okay if you don't do one darned "productive"
thing all day. The more relaxed Mom is -- the more relaxed the kids
will be. Soon it will all come together and you'll feel a "flow" to
your days.
Please be encouraged that there are many others who've felt the same
way you do right now. You are SOO far ahead of the game though,
because you have the ability to recognize and see the need for change
in yourself. Remember -- one day at a time.
Peace and Blessings to you,
Sharon
Robyn Coburn
**I posted this to AU (as the original inquiry was put there also) but now I
am seeing that this thread is being run with over here more quickly than
there, so rather than get lost in the shuffle, I am cross posting. ***
<<<<< As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how uptight
I am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the people who
have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That sounds
silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know people
alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling is. I'm
feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptight people
who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical unschooling can
mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feeling incapable of
carrying it out. >>>>
This is a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps...
When I was first embracing Unschooling, even first embracing homeschooling
at all, it was very important to me and my serenity, to remove myself from
negativity coming from other people. At first that meant people invested in
the school system if they made negative comments about homeschooled
children.
Later I came to the realization that I couldn't do any school conversations
- still can't. These kinds of conversations - especially when I feel
defensive - leave me feeling pain. I try to avoid the conversations by
various tactics including physically walking away, and not accepting
invitations. I just gently stopped calling some people who I realized were
not going to add to the ease or joy in our lives. In this way the happy
Unschoolers became more of a feature and influence in my thinking.
If other people are contributing your distress, or causing you to make
comparisons, it might be better to limit their time in your life until you
are stronger in Unschooling.
There is a whole different vibe and mood that comes from people who are
genuinely interested in learning something about Unschooling or what an
Unschooling take on a learning or behavioral issue might be. I can usually
tell the difference between that kind of conversation and the kind of
question that has scoffing, disbelief or downright hostility underlying it -
judgmental statements masquerading as questions. I have let go of my desire
to fight for my position, and answer briefly with "We do this..."
statements.
Recently I annoyed someone (stranger at a kid's birthday party) whose first
question on hearing that we homeschool was "How do you get her to listen to
you?" by instantly replying "I try to say something worth listening to." I
thought she meant listen in general. She got this look of utter irritation
on her face and started on about what a discipline problem her 7yo son was
and how much more difficult it would be to have to keep his attention on
school subjects and make him work at home. What she was really asking was
"How do you make your dd do her work?"
The paradigms we live under are so broadly apart from the mainstream that
even the language doesn't cross over - we use the same words and have
different meanings.
Yet of all the children at the birthday party Jayn was the one who came up
to me a couple of times just to give me a quick kiss and say what fun she
was having.
So that brings me to an idea I would like you to think on some more. RU is
about making the relationship between you the *primary* concern - actively
as well as mentally.
These people who are authoritarian etc are probably not making the
relationship with their children the primary concern. They may believe they
are in their minds, but that is probably not what their actions are showing
to their own children.
I'm taking your words to mean that you are feeling uptight and controlling
and feeling at the mercy of your emotions and desire to control.
I believe that you are at the threshold of letting go of these negative
feelings - I mean feeling the tension of being sooooo close to a
breakthrough. Your very dissatisfaction with yourself right now is
indicative of an impending shift. You can try asking yourself whether what
you are about to say will enhance the relationship you have with your
children.
<<<<<UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each crying at
some point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them? Then I
think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could unschool my
daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to tell
myself to ease up. >>>>>
I see that you are focusing on the idea of "stopping", "don't do this",
negative words towards yourself that mirror the stop/don't words that you
are putting out towards your daughters. You are creating a Void therefore
that needs filling ("nature abhors a vacuum" as some one said). This is like
using the phrase "don't run" instead of "please walk".
You need some new positive action mental scripts that give you an
alternative thought to stop/don't/ease up. "Ease up" is way too vague anyway
and is the result rather than the action.
I use the internal phrases "Breathe...wait...how can I show her I love her?"
to counter rising stress - and it works really well for me.
BUT these may not be what you need (although I think everyone benefits from
"Breathe"!) Maybe you need a Question to ask yourself in these moments like
"What am I feeling? Is it really important?"
Maybe you need a reminder to Observe, by saying to yourself "How is my dd
feeling right now?", or even "What is great about what she is doing?"; "Are
they having fun?"
Maybe you need to say to yourself "It is OK to be quiet and give them their
process".
Maybe you need to say "Count to 20", and then repeat if needed.
<<<< These things do not matter, but the practical mind
overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we won't
have it to use at all later on." >>>>
This sounds like a scarcity paradigm creeping up on you - maybe it would
help for you to pin point the source - childhood deprivation? Your mother's
voice? Try to discover what the big deal is about "properly" for you.
Hear the words in your mind and counter them with a reality check Mantra -
"It's just $x worth of paint"; "Everything is repairable"; "It's only a toy"
- or try an Abundance Affirmation "We can get more"; "We have enough for all
our needs"; "Experiments are good".
<<<< Even my body locks up - shoulders droop
and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shaking
slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my controlling
way.)>>>>>
Good clue that there is likely an undealt-with childhood trauma/experience
in your soul - maybe even lurking beyond memory. I wonder if you were told
to "control yourself" a lot when little, or conversely that "you had no
self-control" a lot.
I have an exercise for you to try that is kinda fun, and a good thought
stretch. I read about the concept somewhere, created the writing exercise
for myself, and found it to be really great for me to discern the cause of
my stress.
You take the body part that is feeling the pain or tension and write out all
the colloquial metaphors you can think of that use the name of the body part
and what they mean, including contradictions.
I have an ongoing list of "Back" phrases such as "Back breaking work" being
"very hard physical labor"; "Back out", "Back stabbing", "Spineless", "Bend
over backwards" etc. It helped me realize that I was having more than usual
stress induced back pain when what I wanted to do was "back out" of an
obligation that had become onerous but I had fears about being seen as
"turning my back on" someone. See how it works?
You might try that with your body. For Example for your Shoulders: "have the
world on your shoulders" could mean "carrying a too heavy burden, also the
sense of martyrdom" (see also "shoulder the burden"); "shoulder to the
wheel" means "working hard with determination"; "Giving the cold shoulder"
means "turning away, shunning, showing a superior attitude". Keep going
until something rings true.
<<<< I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I interact
with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut. >>>>
Finally I just want to add that if there is some activity that always pushes
your button, especially if the root of the angst continues to elude you, it
really is ok to sometimes step back and leave them to it.
In the case of an art activity as an example, it might be better not to try
to participate, but to wait nearby to view the wonderful results, rather
than sour the whole process.
I was kinda like that with Jayn's desire to pour water out of the bathtub
onto the floor. She really seemed to need to do it, and it bugged the heck
out of me. I decided that the battle wasn't adding to our joy, so I set out
towels and waited within earshot in the next room. (I add that she was old
enough to sit in the tub safely by this time.)
<<<< "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I have the
vision but none of the personality." >>>>
:P~~~~~~ to that.
Better than schools is a pretty meager goal. Every day your kids don't have
to rush their breakfast you are doing better than going to school. Schools
are not as good as a loving parent at being a loving parent.
You don't have the personality of a school? So much the better. (g)
<<<< I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planet whose way
of life seems much closer to what I want >>>>
Now this is an idea I can get behind. Unschoolers do often seem to be living
on another planet. Read some of Anne Ohman's stuff - she talks about the
"view from here" being different.
You're new here. You'll feel more comfortable real soon, if you stick out
acclimatizing. Right now you still have some Jet Lag. It will get better.
Robyn L. Coburn
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am seeing that this thread is being run with over here more quickly than
there, so rather than get lost in the shuffle, I am cross posting. ***
<<<<< As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how uptight
I am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the people who
have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That sounds
silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know people
alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling is. I'm
feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptight people
who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical unschooling can
mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feeling incapable of
carrying it out. >>>>
This is a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps...
When I was first embracing Unschooling, even first embracing homeschooling
at all, it was very important to me and my serenity, to remove myself from
negativity coming from other people. At first that meant people invested in
the school system if they made negative comments about homeschooled
children.
Later I came to the realization that I couldn't do any school conversations
- still can't. These kinds of conversations - especially when I feel
defensive - leave me feeling pain. I try to avoid the conversations by
various tactics including physically walking away, and not accepting
invitations. I just gently stopped calling some people who I realized were
not going to add to the ease or joy in our lives. In this way the happy
Unschoolers became more of a feature and influence in my thinking.
If other people are contributing your distress, or causing you to make
comparisons, it might be better to limit their time in your life until you
are stronger in Unschooling.
There is a whole different vibe and mood that comes from people who are
genuinely interested in learning something about Unschooling or what an
Unschooling take on a learning or behavioral issue might be. I can usually
tell the difference between that kind of conversation and the kind of
question that has scoffing, disbelief or downright hostility underlying it -
judgmental statements masquerading as questions. I have let go of my desire
to fight for my position, and answer briefly with "We do this..."
statements.
Recently I annoyed someone (stranger at a kid's birthday party) whose first
question on hearing that we homeschool was "How do you get her to listen to
you?" by instantly replying "I try to say something worth listening to." I
thought she meant listen in general. She got this look of utter irritation
on her face and started on about what a discipline problem her 7yo son was
and how much more difficult it would be to have to keep his attention on
school subjects and make him work at home. What she was really asking was
"How do you make your dd do her work?"
The paradigms we live under are so broadly apart from the mainstream that
even the language doesn't cross over - we use the same words and have
different meanings.
Yet of all the children at the birthday party Jayn was the one who came up
to me a couple of times just to give me a quick kiss and say what fun she
was having.
So that brings me to an idea I would like you to think on some more. RU is
about making the relationship between you the *primary* concern - actively
as well as mentally.
These people who are authoritarian etc are probably not making the
relationship with their children the primary concern. They may believe they
are in their minds, but that is probably not what their actions are showing
to their own children.
I'm taking your words to mean that you are feeling uptight and controlling
and feeling at the mercy of your emotions and desire to control.
I believe that you are at the threshold of letting go of these negative
feelings - I mean feeling the tension of being sooooo close to a
breakthrough. Your very dissatisfaction with yourself right now is
indicative of an impending shift. You can try asking yourself whether what
you are about to say will enhance the relationship you have with your
children.
<<<<<UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each crying at
some point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them? Then I
think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could unschool my
daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to tell
myself to ease up. >>>>>
I see that you are focusing on the idea of "stopping", "don't do this",
negative words towards yourself that mirror the stop/don't words that you
are putting out towards your daughters. You are creating a Void therefore
that needs filling ("nature abhors a vacuum" as some one said). This is like
using the phrase "don't run" instead of "please walk".
You need some new positive action mental scripts that give you an
alternative thought to stop/don't/ease up. "Ease up" is way too vague anyway
and is the result rather than the action.
I use the internal phrases "Breathe...wait...how can I show her I love her?"
to counter rising stress - and it works really well for me.
BUT these may not be what you need (although I think everyone benefits from
"Breathe"!) Maybe you need a Question to ask yourself in these moments like
"What am I feeling? Is it really important?"
Maybe you need a reminder to Observe, by saying to yourself "How is my dd
feeling right now?", or even "What is great about what she is doing?"; "Are
they having fun?"
Maybe you need to say to yourself "It is OK to be quiet and give them their
process".
Maybe you need to say "Count to 20", and then repeat if needed.
<<<< These things do not matter, but the practical mind
overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we won't
have it to use at all later on." >>>>
This sounds like a scarcity paradigm creeping up on you - maybe it would
help for you to pin point the source - childhood deprivation? Your mother's
voice? Try to discover what the big deal is about "properly" for you.
Hear the words in your mind and counter them with a reality check Mantra -
"It's just $x worth of paint"; "Everything is repairable"; "It's only a toy"
- or try an Abundance Affirmation "We can get more"; "We have enough for all
our needs"; "Experiments are good".
<<<< Even my body locks up - shoulders droop
and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shaking
slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my controlling
way.)>>>>>
Good clue that there is likely an undealt-with childhood trauma/experience
in your soul - maybe even lurking beyond memory. I wonder if you were told
to "control yourself" a lot when little, or conversely that "you had no
self-control" a lot.
I have an exercise for you to try that is kinda fun, and a good thought
stretch. I read about the concept somewhere, created the writing exercise
for myself, and found it to be really great for me to discern the cause of
my stress.
You take the body part that is feeling the pain or tension and write out all
the colloquial metaphors you can think of that use the name of the body part
and what they mean, including contradictions.
I have an ongoing list of "Back" phrases such as "Back breaking work" being
"very hard physical labor"; "Back out", "Back stabbing", "Spineless", "Bend
over backwards" etc. It helped me realize that I was having more than usual
stress induced back pain when what I wanted to do was "back out" of an
obligation that had become onerous but I had fears about being seen as
"turning my back on" someone. See how it works?
You might try that with your body. For Example for your Shoulders: "have the
world on your shoulders" could mean "carrying a too heavy burden, also the
sense of martyrdom" (see also "shoulder the burden"); "shoulder to the
wheel" means "working hard with determination"; "Giving the cold shoulder"
means "turning away, shunning, showing a superior attitude". Keep going
until something rings true.
<<<< I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I interact
with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut. >>>>
Finally I just want to add that if there is some activity that always pushes
your button, especially if the root of the angst continues to elude you, it
really is ok to sometimes step back and leave them to it.
In the case of an art activity as an example, it might be better not to try
to participate, but to wait nearby to view the wonderful results, rather
than sour the whole process.
I was kinda like that with Jayn's desire to pour water out of the bathtub
onto the floor. She really seemed to need to do it, and it bugged the heck
out of me. I decided that the battle wasn't adding to our joy, so I set out
towels and waited within earshot in the next room. (I add that she was old
enough to sit in the tub safely by this time.)
<<<< "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I have the
vision but none of the personality." >>>>
:P~~~~~~ to that.
Better than schools is a pretty meager goal. Every day your kids don't have
to rush their breakfast you are doing better than going to school. Schools
are not as good as a loving parent at being a loving parent.
You don't have the personality of a school? So much the better. (g)
<<<< I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planet whose way
of life seems much closer to what I want >>>>
Now this is an idea I can get behind. Unschoolers do often seem to be living
on another planet. Read some of Anne Ohman's stuff - she talks about the
"view from here" being different.
You're new here. You'll feel more comfortable real soon, if you stick out
acclimatizing. Right now you still have some Jet Lag. It will get better.
Robyn L. Coburn
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Robyn Coburn
The more I think about this particular instance, and as I look again at your
kids ages, the more I think that this activity in itself was part of the
cause.
I think that it is probably an unrealistic expectation that a 5 yo and a 2.5
yo (especially together) have the kind of fine motor skills and discipline
to use something as fine and complex as these art stamp pads in "accordance
with the instructions".
Jayn was especially interested in big art movements like sweeping a fat
paintbrush across the easel when she was 2.5. In terms of stamps she is far
more likely to be interested in the kind of stamp that is self inking, or
how household items look when converted to use as stamps. She had little
concept of being cautious or careful with things like markers, although now
- at 6 and with very strong fine motor skills always - is very keen on
drawing with very fine point mechanical pencils and pens (instead of the fat
markers of yore).
I guess one thing that I am adding to my earlier thoughts about the concept
of "properly" is that choosing an activity that seems bound to end in
frustration for the kids looks like a "trigger" for your control stuff.
It's a bit like getting out the chess set for the first time and expecting
the 3 year old to want to learn all the moves and play the game. I would
expect that to be a rare occurrence. No point in being angry at the child
when they want to pretend the little figures are dolls and dance them around
the table.
Maybe reframe the goal from "do it right" to "explore as much as possible".
Robyn L. Coburn
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kids ages, the more I think that this activity in itself was part of the
cause.
I think that it is probably an unrealistic expectation that a 5 yo and a 2.5
yo (especially together) have the kind of fine motor skills and discipline
to use something as fine and complex as these art stamp pads in "accordance
with the instructions".
Jayn was especially interested in big art movements like sweeping a fat
paintbrush across the easel when she was 2.5. In terms of stamps she is far
more likely to be interested in the kind of stamp that is self inking, or
how household items look when converted to use as stamps. She had little
concept of being cautious or careful with things like markers, although now
- at 6 and with very strong fine motor skills always - is very keen on
drawing with very fine point mechanical pencils and pens (instead of the fat
markers of yore).
I guess one thing that I am adding to my earlier thoughts about the concept
of "properly" is that choosing an activity that seems bound to end in
frustration for the kids looks like a "trigger" for your control stuff.
It's a bit like getting out the chess set for the first time and expecting
the 3 year old to want to learn all the moves and play the game. I would
expect that to be a rare occurrence. No point in being angry at the child
when they want to pretend the little figures are dolls and dance them around
the table.
Maybe reframe the goal from "do it right" to "explore as much as possible".
Robyn L. Coburn
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Robyn Coburn
<<<<< A side note, my mom bought my daughter lots of really nice art
supplies for Christmas. She talked to the owner of the art shop for a long
time. His suggestion was to only give a couple of colors at a time and a
couple of materials at a time so the child can experience the joy of
creating without the pain of the brown, muddy mess. This might not work in
all situations, but something to think about.>>>>>
And yet even "brown, muddy mess" is an adult's judgment based on the
perception of "proper" use.
Jayn *loves* making browns, experimenting in getting to browns from
different routes. She has gone through several stages of painting monochrome
works in shades of blue (like Picasso!) and browns. She searches for ways to
mix her markers and pencils to get to brown.
Jayn also loves those little (super cheap!) water color trays that the most
finicky artist would have trouble maintaining separation with. One thing
about them is that it is possible to give them a quick rinse and get most of
the mixed stuff off them, until almost used up.
Robyn L. Coburn
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supplies for Christmas. She talked to the owner of the art shop for a long
time. His suggestion was to only give a couple of colors at a time and a
couple of materials at a time so the child can experience the joy of
creating without the pain of the brown, muddy mess. This might not work in
all situations, but something to think about.>>>>>
And yet even "brown, muddy mess" is an adult's judgment based on the
perception of "proper" use.
Jayn *loves* making browns, experimenting in getting to browns from
different routes. She has gone through several stages of painting monochrome
works in shades of blue (like Picasso!) and browns. She searches for ways to
mix her markers and pencils to get to brown.
Jayn also loves those little (super cheap!) water color trays that the most
finicky artist would have trouble maintaining separation with. One thing
about them is that it is possible to give them a quick rinse and get most of
the mixed stuff off them, until almost used up.
Robyn L. Coburn
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Pamela Sorooshian
On Jan 5, 2006, at 12:27 PM, alder7run@... wrote:
ready for. Too advanced. Get CHEAP stamps and cheap stamp pads and
consider them as if made for a one-time use. If they last longer,
then fine. Keep YOUR stamps and pads separate from those that the
little girls play with.
But - really - unless they've seen people stamping and were really
wanting to do it - save the stamping for when they're older.
I know this is just one example - but I wonder if you're getting
yourself in over your head, over and over, and that's why you're
feeling so uptight and overwhelmed?
I have an idea for you - what if we gave you a couple of cool
activities to do every day - and we told you in advance what to expect.
For example - whip up several BIG bowls full of instant pudding --
make a lot and make different colors. Then, stick those little girls
in the empty bathtub with the bowls of pudding (plastic bowls, of
course). Give them some things like: measuring cups, spoons, small
bowls, funnels, suction thingies (basters), egg beaters, popsicle
sticks, paint brushes of different sizes. Let them play - your job is
to sit nearby, reading a book, and just keeping enough eye on them to
make sure they don't get hurt by standing up and slipping/falling.
Otherwise, all you do is "ooh" and "aah" if they show you their
creations. They will get pudding in their hair, on the walls, on the
shower curtain or door if you have one. They'll be sitting in it and
they will probably eat some. ALL OKAY. SMILE!
When you think they're getting close to be done - wash all the
pudding down the drain, wipe off walls, etc. Give them nice big
sponges to help with the clean up. Then fill the tub and let them
play in the water a bit - get their hair rinsed out, etc. SMILE
through it all.
This is an exercise for YOU.
As you do more of these kinds of things, it'll get easier with practice.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Thank you to any who take the time to read this and respond.Oh Gayle -- I think you just tried to do something your girls aren't
>
> Gayle (mom to Faye 5 and Annika 3 1/2)
ready for. Too advanced. Get CHEAP stamps and cheap stamp pads and
consider them as if made for a one-time use. If they last longer,
then fine. Keep YOUR stamps and pads separate from those that the
little girls play with.
But - really - unless they've seen people stamping and were really
wanting to do it - save the stamping for when they're older.
I know this is just one example - but I wonder if you're getting
yourself in over your head, over and over, and that's why you're
feeling so uptight and overwhelmed?
I have an idea for you - what if we gave you a couple of cool
activities to do every day - and we told you in advance what to expect.
For example - whip up several BIG bowls full of instant pudding --
make a lot and make different colors. Then, stick those little girls
in the empty bathtub with the bowls of pudding (plastic bowls, of
course). Give them some things like: measuring cups, spoons, small
bowls, funnels, suction thingies (basters), egg beaters, popsicle
sticks, paint brushes of different sizes. Let them play - your job is
to sit nearby, reading a book, and just keeping enough eye on them to
make sure they don't get hurt by standing up and slipping/falling.
Otherwise, all you do is "ooh" and "aah" if they show you their
creations. They will get pudding in their hair, on the walls, on the
shower curtain or door if you have one. They'll be sitting in it and
they will probably eat some. ALL OKAY. SMILE!
When you think they're getting close to be done - wash all the
pudding down the drain, wipe off walls, etc. Give them nice big
sponges to help with the clean up. Then fill the tub and let them
play in the water a bit - get their hair rinsed out, etc. SMILE
through it all.
This is an exercise for YOU.
As you do more of these kinds of things, it'll get easier with practice.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Hi Gayle,
(((hugs)))
Your kids are still very young and their exploring of things in detail will often end in those things being "ruined" for lack of a better word. I have 5 kids myself. I know the destruction that learning can entail. It doesn't stress me but my poor dh will almost have a heart attack trying not to freak out <grin>.
What helps us is that small kids have free and ready access to rough and tumble things that can "take it" or a set of things specially for them (like a less expensive but still very fun stamp set.) The kids have their own stamps that they can play with as they choose but if they want to use my stamps (the one without all the colors mixed together <grin>), I ask that they allow me to help out and I am then still doing gentle reminders about treating things gently....but I don't feel guilty because the kids are free to use their own stamps any way they want.
It may just be me....but it sounded to me as though you had a "currier and ives" moment all planned in your head....you and the girls happily stamping aways, gently handling things, placing them back in their proper places....and then reality hit.
Relax, baby steps. Think back over today. If you hit some rough spots, play them over in your head, see where things went wrong, replay it with a happier, gentler script. Then tomorrow, when your girls ask if they can do something, try everyway possible to say yes...see what happens.
Julie S.
(((hugs)))
Your kids are still very young and their exploring of things in detail will often end in those things being "ruined" for lack of a better word. I have 5 kids myself. I know the destruction that learning can entail. It doesn't stress me but my poor dh will almost have a heart attack trying not to freak out <grin>.
What helps us is that small kids have free and ready access to rough and tumble things that can "take it" or a set of things specially for them (like a less expensive but still very fun stamp set.) The kids have their own stamps that they can play with as they choose but if they want to use my stamps (the one without all the colors mixed together <grin>), I ask that they allow me to help out and I am then still doing gentle reminders about treating things gently....but I don't feel guilty because the kids are free to use their own stamps any way they want.
It may just be me....but it sounded to me as though you had a "currier and ives" moment all planned in your head....you and the girls happily stamping aways, gently handling things, placing them back in their proper places....and then reality hit.
Relax, baby steps. Think back over today. If you hit some rough spots, play them over in your head, see where things went wrong, replay it with a happier, gentler script. Then tomorrow, when your girls ask if they can do something, try everyway possible to say yes...see what happens.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: alder7run@...
Date: Thursday, January 5, 2006 2:27 pm
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Discouraged - long
> Hello.
>
> I was sitting depressed in the other room, and I thought, "Why
> don't I go
> bounce these feelings off of the wonderful folks at "Always
> Unschooled"
> and "Unschooling Basics"? So, here I am.
>
> As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how
> uptight I
> am. I feel so stuck and find myself sometimes envious of the
> people who
> have not seen the truth that I feel that unschooling is. That
> sounds
> silly, but it's true. It seems I know people confident in their
> authoritative parenting rolling along, AND I am learning to know
> people
> alive and celebrating the freedom and joy that radical unschooling
> is. I'm
> feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling, uptight
> people
> who want the joy and freedom and everything that radical
> unschooling can
> mean for my children (and my whole family) but I am feeling
> incapable of
> carrying it out.
>
> Latest example:
>
> I got a huge stamping set for my girls and me for Christmas. It
> comes with
> lots of stamps, stamp pads, special markers, colored pencils and
> blank
> cards. We got it out today, and I'm pretty sure that by the end I
> had
> eliminated every possible bit of joy that could come from it. I
> didn't
> want them pressing too hard with the special markers (afterall we
> have
> plenty of other markers for that). I didn't want them mixing the
> colors of
> the stamp pads. Then we wouldn't have any pads left that were one
> clean
> color. I didn't want them using every single stamp just to see
> what it
> looked like, because then I would have to figure out how to clean
> all of
> them (and I don't even know how to do that yet - feel free to
> offer tips).
> UGH! I literally could not stop myself. The girls were each crying
> at some
> point, and they eventually gave up and left. Can you blame them?
> Then I
> think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else could
> unschool my
> daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
>
> That is just one example. I don't want to be like this. I try to
> tell
> myself to ease up. These things do not matter, but the practical
> mind
> overrules with things like "but if we don't use this properly we
> won't
> have it to use at all later on." Even my body locks up - shoulders
> droop
> and hunch forward, my heart beats harder, and I even start shaking
> slightly. (This is if I try not to respond the way in my
> controlling way.)
> I practice yoga and feel so calm and enlightened - hah! Then I
> interact
> with my children and revert to being some kind of controlling nut.
>
> I'm sure I sound like a complete nut too, and normally I would not
> even
> show this side of myself for fear of what others would think of
> me. If you
> met me in real life I would appear quite friendly and even calm.
> That is a
> part of me too. But, for my children's sake, I have to fess up to
> this
> other side of me.
> Did any of you start from this place? What helped you? How did you
> progress? I think I need to hear that I can do it, and school is
> NOT a
> better place for my children to be. That's what I immediately
> start to
> think - "Who am I to think I can do better than the schools? I
> have the
> vision but none of the personality."
>
> Could one of you adopt us for a while, so I can learn a different
> way of
> being? : ) I feel as though I'm trying to live on another planet
> whose way
> of life seems much closer to what I want, but I am just not
> catching on to
> the fundamental qualities of their lives.
>
> Thank you to any who take the time to read this and respond.
>
> Gayle (mom to Faye 5 and Annika 3 1/2)
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
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<<YOu have to give yourself the gift of time>>>
This is so true. You are making changes and that involves doing new things, being different....and pretty much any time we start something knew, we aren't that good at it. It takes practice. It is like you are just starting violin lessons, so you don't expect symphony level music yet. But you strive for it. You work at it.
My daughter is taking English riding lessons and I thought it would be fun and signed up for a lesson myself. My daughter (9) who had just had a very rough lesson (got thrown) looked at her 40-ish, fattish mom and said "I don't think you'll be very good at it". I told her "probably not, but soon I will be."
Just keep working at it, accept where you are now as being a beginner and know that there is nowhere to go but up.
Julie S.
This is so true. You are making changes and that involves doing new things, being different....and pretty much any time we start something knew, we aren't that good at it. It takes practice. It is like you are just starting violin lessons, so you don't expect symphony level music yet. But you strive for it. You work at it.
My daughter is taking English riding lessons and I thought it would be fun and signed up for a lesson myself. My daughter (9) who had just had a very rough lesson (got thrown) looked at her 40-ish, fattish mom and said "I don't think you'll be very good at it". I told her "probably not, but soon I will be."
Just keep working at it, accept where you are now as being a beginner and know that there is nowhere to go but up.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: simplemom3 <sja3k@...>
Date: Thursday, January 5, 2006 4:43 pm
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Discouraged - long
> > As we pursue this way of life, I continue to be faced with how
> uptight I am.
> *******
> Gayle,
> The fact that you recognize this is part of the growth process.
> If
> it aint broke, why would we bother to fix it?? Facing things that
> we
> don't like about ourselves is pretty darned empowering....if you
> think of it that way.
>
>
> I'm feeling alone in the camp of highly sensitve, controlling,
> uptight people who want the joy and freedom and everything that
> radical unschooling can mean for my children (and my whole family)
> but I am feeling incapable of
> carrying it out.
> ***************
> Again, you have to give yourself the gift of TIME. Rome wasn't
> built
> in a day, and you aren't going to be able to shift to a new set of
> beliefs and actions in a day, week, or month. It's an ongoing
> process that takes time to evolve. That's the beauty of it....you
> never stop learning and growing.
>
> Then I think - I'm NOT cut out for this. If only someone else
> could
> unschool my
> daughters. I'm only getting in the way.
> ******************
> One HUGE thing you have to realize is that nobody on this earth
> could
> be your daughters' Mom better than you can. They are still so
> young....and resilient. I have apologized to my 12 yo dd many
> times
> for things that I did "before unschooling," and she has never
> remembered even ONE incident that I described. She has said
> things
> like, "Geez Mom, I don't remember that....and even if you did do
> it
> (or say it), I know you didn't know any better....you would never
> do
> anything to hurt us on purpose."
>
> Believe me, I am as anal retentive as they come (but I am
> recovering :) When you described the stamp kit scenario, I could
> totally relate to your feelings. May I suggest that, for a while,
> you forget about things like planned projects, unless both you and
> your children totally enjoy them. Just focus on the really simple
> stuff. If they like videos, TV, playing games, just being silly
> with
> you -- go with it. It's okay if you don't do one darned
> "productive"
> thing all day. The more relaxed Mom is -- the more relaxed the
> kids
> will be. Soon it will all come together and you'll feel a "flow"
> to
> your days.
>
> Please be encouraged that there are many others who've felt the
> same
> way you do right now. You are SOO far ahead of the game though,
> because you have the ability to recognize and see the need for
> change
> in yourself. Remember -- one day at a time.
>
> Peace and Blessings to you,
> Sharon
>
>
>
>
>
> ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------
> ~-->
> Educate a girl. Change her future. Give her hope.
> http://us.click.yahoo.com/EQN7IB/UREMAA/HwKMAA/0xXolB/TM
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> -~->
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Mother Earth (Tyra)
Hello Gayle!
I really can feel you. I, too, am at the beginning of the unschooling journey (ds1 is 5 yrs and ds2 is 2 yrs). I find myself doing exactly what you described and thinking what you thought. What I have decided to do is walk away. If what my children are doing is driving me crazy then I walk away. The other thing that I do is have a talk with myself before I bring out whatever it is. I tell myself that no matter what they do, I will not freak out and if I am feeling crazy by how they are using the supplies then I will walk away.
Walking away helps to diffuse my emotions and keeps me from going crazy on the children. After a while I will begin to see that they are doing really neat things that reflect them rather than me. The other thing I do is jump in and use the supplies in the way that I want to use them.
I do feel that we have to be patient with ourselves on this journey. I believe that the more guilt we have and the more we beat ourselves up for our mistakes, the more difficult it will be for us to embrace unschooling.
I believe that you are definitely not alone and I believe that you need to believe in you more. If it was not this it would be something else if your girls were in school. No matter our family's lifestyle, we are going to make mistakes. The problem is not in the mistake, it is in feeling guilty and not correcting the mistake.
I am glad that you were honest with the group as many of us are going through very similar situations. I wish you all the best and know that you will end up being a great unschooling advocate. All of this will be a part of your testimony.
Peace
Tyra
I really can feel you. I, too, am at the beginning of the unschooling journey (ds1 is 5 yrs and ds2 is 2 yrs). I find myself doing exactly what you described and thinking what you thought. What I have decided to do is walk away. If what my children are doing is driving me crazy then I walk away. The other thing that I do is have a talk with myself before I bring out whatever it is. I tell myself that no matter what they do, I will not freak out and if I am feeling crazy by how they are using the supplies then I will walk away.
Walking away helps to diffuse my emotions and keeps me from going crazy on the children. After a while I will begin to see that they are doing really neat things that reflect them rather than me. The other thing I do is jump in and use the supplies in the way that I want to use them.
I do feel that we have to be patient with ourselves on this journey. I believe that the more guilt we have and the more we beat ourselves up for our mistakes, the more difficult it will be for us to embrace unschooling.
I believe that you are definitely not alone and I believe that you need to believe in you more. If it was not this it would be something else if your girls were in school. No matter our family's lifestyle, we are going to make mistakes. The problem is not in the mistake, it is in feeling guilty and not correcting the mistake.
I am glad that you were honest with the group as many of us are going through very similar situations. I wish you all the best and know that you will end up being a great unschooling advocate. All of this will be a part of your testimony.
Peace
Tyra
----- Original Message -----
From: alder7run@...
To: [email protected] ; [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, January 05, 2006 2:27 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Discouraged - long
Hello.
I was sitting depressed in the other room, and I thought, "Why don't I go
bounce these feelings off of the wonderful folks at "Always Unschooled"
and "Unschooling Basics"? So, here I am.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Hello again.
I have wanted to respond individually to so many of you and continue the
dialogue that has begun. I am needing every bit of my energy for parenting
though. I can't say that I'm doing all that well. I see some
breakthroughs. One thing I know for sure is that I would have abandoned
this by now if it weren't for the support and encouragement and hope I
receive from this list and Always Unschooled and Shine. I know there is a
better way, and I am committed to it. I thank you for me and my whole
family - even though sometimes I think we're falling apart. I remember
someone telling me years ago that sometimes you have to take the broken
train apart in order to put it back together to function properly, and
while it's apart it feels as though things are much worse, because at
least before the train could limp along. Now the train is stopped but the
pieces will come back together and lo and behold we can cruise along and
enjoy the ride. That is my hope. That is my vision.
Thank you, and know that I have treasured each of your words. The word
document I put together of your responses is over 20 pages of 10 font
type. That alone inspires me.
Gayle mom to Faye (5) and Annika (3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have wanted to respond individually to so many of you and continue the
dialogue that has begun. I am needing every bit of my energy for parenting
though. I can't say that I'm doing all that well. I see some
breakthroughs. One thing I know for sure is that I would have abandoned
this by now if it weren't for the support and encouragement and hope I
receive from this list and Always Unschooled and Shine. I know there is a
better way, and I am committed to it. I thank you for me and my whole
family - even though sometimes I think we're falling apart. I remember
someone telling me years ago that sometimes you have to take the broken
train apart in order to put it back together to function properly, and
while it's apart it feels as though things are much worse, because at
least before the train could limp along. Now the train is stopped but the
pieces will come back together and lo and behold we can cruise along and
enjoy the ride. That is my hope. That is my vision.
Thank you, and know that I have treasured each of your words. The word
document I put together of your responses is over 20 pages of 10 font
type. That alone inspires me.
Gayle mom to Faye (5) and Annika (3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
We did the glowstick bath in the dark last night. It was so great!
Thanks for the suggestion.
Gayle Faye (5) Annika (3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks for the suggestion.
Gayle Faye (5) Annika (3 1/2)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]