Siblings and fighting
crissyhall
I have 4 kids and for the most part they are great friends. But my dd
(11) and ds (6) have such similar personalities that they just clash!
How do you handle the fighting between kids? We've started talking and
trying to find a solution that works for everybody and have had some
success, even though the kids complain that it takes soooo long to
talk it out :) My dd feels like her little brother enjoys bothering
her and won't stop when she says stop. We've run out of ideas. So my
idea was to come here for suggestions.
Thanks!
Christine
(11) and ds (6) have such similar personalities that they just clash!
How do you handle the fighting between kids? We've started talking and
trying to find a solution that works for everybody and have had some
success, even though the kids complain that it takes soooo long to
talk it out :) My dd feels like her little brother enjoys bothering
her and won't stop when she says stop. We've run out of ideas. So my
idea was to come here for suggestions.
Thanks!
Christine
Stephanie Nolans
Hi! I have ran into this problem in my house as well. I have a son and
daugther that are 11 months apart from one another, a lil girl who is 5
years younger than her eldest brother and a 9 month old. I have tried
everything to make them get along when they just have those days...and
nothing worked. I have now put in place a system that is working
wonderfully! LOL If they say something mean about one another, etc I make
them tell me and the sibling they are picking on 4 NICe things about that
person. When they are mad, that is the last thing they want to do, trust me
LOL And, if that doesn't work I make them hug ;-) I don't know if this
will work or not, but it has done wonders around here. I have a motto in our
home, that we don't call names or hurt the one's we love and they hear that
come out of my mouth a lot ;-) I think this has worked better than anything
I have tried in the past, hehe
Stephanie
-------Original Message-------
From: crissyhall
Date: 12/22/05 11:50:00
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Siblings and fighting
I have 4 kids and for the most part they are great friends. But my dd
(11) and ds (6) have such similar personalities that they just clash!
How do you handle the fighting between kids? We've started talking and
trying to find a solution that works for everybody and have had some
success, even though the kids complain that it takes soooo long to
talk it out :) My dd feels like her little brother enjoys bothering
her and won't stop when she says stop. We've run out of ideas. So my
idea was to come here for suggestions.
Thanks!
Christine
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
daugther that are 11 months apart from one another, a lil girl who is 5
years younger than her eldest brother and a 9 month old. I have tried
everything to make them get along when they just have those days...and
nothing worked. I have now put in place a system that is working
wonderfully! LOL If they say something mean about one another, etc I make
them tell me and the sibling they are picking on 4 NICe things about that
person. When they are mad, that is the last thing they want to do, trust me
LOL And, if that doesn't work I make them hug ;-) I don't know if this
will work or not, but it has done wonders around here. I have a motto in our
home, that we don't call names or hurt the one's we love and they hear that
come out of my mouth a lot ;-) I think this has worked better than anything
I have tried in the past, hehe
Stephanie
-------Original Message-------
From: crissyhall
Date: 12/22/05 11:50:00
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Siblings and fighting
I have 4 kids and for the most part they are great friends. But my dd
(11) and ds (6) have such similar personalities that they just clash!
How do you handle the fighting between kids? We've started talking and
trying to find a solution that works for everybody and have had some
success, even though the kids complain that it takes soooo long to
talk it out :) My dd feels like her little brother enjoys bothering
her and won't stop when she says stop. We've run out of ideas. So my
idea was to come here for suggestions.
Thanks!
Christine
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS
Visit your group "unschoolingbasics" on the web.
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
"I make
them tell me and the sibling they are picking on 4 NICe things about
that
person. When they are mad, that is the last thing they want to do,"
Then they shouldn't have to.
I think I'd try to get pretty pissy with someone that told me to say
nice things about my dh and hug him when I'm mad.
It's not validating their feelings.
It might have a direct affect, short-term, but long-term they're
learning not to trust you with their problems.
Ren
them tell me and the sibling they are picking on 4 NICe things about
that
person. When they are mad, that is the last thing they want to do,"
Then they shouldn't have to.
I think I'd try to get pretty pissy with someone that told me to say
nice things about my dh and hug him when I'm mad.
It's not validating their feelings.
It might have a direct affect, short-term, but long-term they're
learning not to trust you with their problems.
Ren
Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 22, 2005, at 12:24 PM, Stephanie Nolans wrote:
consequence is that they might begin to hide the meanness in order to
avoid the "punishment".
Another thing is that fighting is a response to something else. So
even if your technique cuts back the fighting, the something else
that triggers the fighting is still there working on the kids. That
hasn't gone away.
If you look at it from their point of view, if their goal is to get
something, or drive a sibling away to play alone, you haven't helped
them. You've just put road block in front of the tactic they're
using. So the option they're left with is to find a different, more
subtle method. (People have told of the quite mean things their
siblings did to them when they were kids that their mothers never
knew about.)
Kids need to feel that we're their advocate, that we're on their
side. If we assume they're doing the best they can with the
knowledge, outlook and skills they have and our objective is to help
them be peaceful and happy, then punishing them for not using better
skills isn't going to help them get better at handling situations.
Perhaps one way of looking at it is that it's your job to make them
feel safe and happy in their own home. So, the first step is to make
them safe and help them be happy, like separating them, calling one
away to do something fun with you, get a snack if it seems the
irritability might be hunger. If it's a negotiation problem, then
talking individually to them about better choices they can make.
Sandra Dodd has some good writing on fighting that others have posted
links to.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I makeI can see how it sounds good and might look like it works, but a
> them tell me and the sibling they are picking on 4 NICe things
> about that
> person. When they are mad, that is the last thing they want to do,
> trust me
> LOL And, if that doesn't work I make them hug ;-)
consequence is that they might begin to hide the meanness in order to
avoid the "punishment".
Another thing is that fighting is a response to something else. So
even if your technique cuts back the fighting, the something else
that triggers the fighting is still there working on the kids. That
hasn't gone away.
If you look at it from their point of view, if their goal is to get
something, or drive a sibling away to play alone, you haven't helped
them. You've just put road block in front of the tactic they're
using. So the option they're left with is to find a different, more
subtle method. (People have told of the quite mean things their
siblings did to them when they were kids that their mothers never
knew about.)
Kids need to feel that we're their advocate, that we're on their
side. If we assume they're doing the best they can with the
knowledge, outlook and skills they have and our objective is to help
them be peaceful and happy, then punishing them for not using better
skills isn't going to help them get better at handling situations.
Perhaps one way of looking at it is that it's your job to make them
feel safe and happy in their own home. So, the first step is to make
them safe and help them be happy, like separating them, calling one
away to do something fun with you, get a snack if it seems the
irritability might be hunger. If it's a negotiation problem, then
talking individually to them about better choices they can make.
Sandra Dodd has some good writing on fighting that others have posted
links to.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ren Allen
"I have found at my house that if *I* am in a good place, things go
better for
the entire family."
This is SO true here also. Being present in their activities is the
biggest factor of how much negative energy swirls up.
I'm talking about my two younger ones, the two older guys I never
have to worry about...it's extremely rare for them to even get
irritated with each other, and if they do, they work it out fine. I
can't remember the last time I had to negotiate for them (they're 12
and 15) other than reminding Trevor to not add insults to his
discussions.
Sierra and Jalen are younger (8 and 4) and I find they really need
me to be close by and paying attention to what is happening.
The last couple of days have been a bit edgy, and I realized I'd
been distracted trying to get Christmas stuff done and they just
need me to be more available. Being in the house isn't enough at
that age.
Sometimes they are happily playing a game, caught up in their own
fantasy world and getting along beautifully....that's when I need to
get things done that I care about. If they are having struggles
with communicating, or respecting boundaries, my presence will keep
things from getting explosive. That's really the key.
And like Julie, I find time to take care of ME and the things I love
and need to do in order to get centered. I have a closet in my
bedroom that has become my meditation corner.....it's lovely.:)
Ren
better for
the entire family."
This is SO true here also. Being present in their activities is the
biggest factor of how much negative energy swirls up.
I'm talking about my two younger ones, the two older guys I never
have to worry about...it's extremely rare for them to even get
irritated with each other, and if they do, they work it out fine. I
can't remember the last time I had to negotiate for them (they're 12
and 15) other than reminding Trevor to not add insults to his
discussions.
Sierra and Jalen are younger (8 and 4) and I find they really need
me to be close by and paying attention to what is happening.
The last couple of days have been a bit edgy, and I realized I'd
been distracted trying to get Christmas stuff done and they just
need me to be more available. Being in the house isn't enough at
that age.
Sometimes they are happily playing a game, caught up in their own
fantasy world and getting along beautifully....that's when I need to
get things done that I care about. If they are having struggles
with communicating, or respecting boundaries, my presence will keep
things from getting explosive. That's really the key.
And like Julie, I find time to take care of ME and the things I love
and need to do in order to get centered. I have a closet in my
bedroom that has become my meditation corner.....it's lovely.:)
Ren
Rebecca DeLong
Stephanie Nolans <nolans6@...> wrote: And, if that doesn't work I make them hug ;-) I don't know if this
will work or not, but it has done wonders around here.
***I'm pretty far behind on my email and this may be over and done, but I really needed to respond to this.
My parents did the same thing to me and my younger brother-22 months apart. Hugging when one of us was mean to the other. Hugs became punishment, and it got my brother and I to the point were we couldn't touch each other because it was all wrapped up in being bad and doing something wrong. 25 years later and a LOT of talking and working thru things we are on our way to a better relationship.(It also changed the way I viewed touch in many other relationships)
I would never want to do this to my boys. They choose to hug one another when they want or need to. I wouldn't want to change that.
Avery(4yrs) can not handle people touching him without his permission or him initionating the contact. To force him to hug Jaiden(7) and appologize before he ready would be horrible and meaningless to him.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds/comes across as harsh but this hit very close to home.
~Rebecca
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin
---------------------------------
Yahoo! DSL Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
will work or not, but it has done wonders around here.
***I'm pretty far behind on my email and this may be over and done, but I really needed to respond to this.
My parents did the same thing to me and my younger brother-22 months apart. Hugging when one of us was mean to the other. Hugs became punishment, and it got my brother and I to the point were we couldn't touch each other because it was all wrapped up in being bad and doing something wrong. 25 years later and a LOT of talking and working thru things we are on our way to a better relationship.(It also changed the way I viewed touch in many other relationships)
I would never want to do this to my boys. They choose to hug one another when they want or need to. I wouldn't want to change that.
Avery(4yrs) can not handle people touching him without his permission or him initionating the contact. To force him to hug Jaiden(7) and appologize before he ready would be horrible and meaningless to him.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds/comes across as harsh but this hit very close to home.
~Rebecca
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin
---------------------------------
Yahoo! DSL Something to write home about. Just $16.99/mo. or less
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]