Allans Email

Hello all
My name is Allan, and I'm an unschooler. ;-)

I am a single parent, homeschooling two boys ages 13 and 18 right now, and
within two weeks my daughters ages 12 and 17 will be here and join the
unschooling team. I only recently arranged for my children's escape from the
penal system we call publik school, and we are all the better for it.
Everyone's attitude and behavior have undergone a remarkable transformation.
Not that I would have said it was 'bad' before, but thats only because I
didn't know what 'good' was.

The day before I broke them out of the pen, I bought a few books to use as
our curriculum; a pre-Algebra book, a grammar book, a daily reader on Texas
history, and because we already had a Biology text book, teachers, edition,
I thought I had it covered, should anyone say anything.

I had been researching home schooling as an option because of the typical
things that one endures while their children are incarcerated from 8:00-3:45
PM in the schooljailhouse, e.g. defending against bullying, boredom with the
necessary-but-snail's pace of 'learning' in the class room, arrogant wardens
and guards.. er, I mean principals and teachers, anyway you know what I
mean. I came across a few unschooling sites and the dam burst. I KNEW right
away that this was the method I wanted to use with my children.

But... I bought my 'textbooks' just in case someone questioned me. I worried
for awhile that they would get 'behind', although now I think of it as,
'behind what, exactly?' Because I have already in just a short couple of
weeks, watched my boys interests grow exponentially. I discussed the idea of
unschooling with them, told them what was involved and, to the best of my
understanding, what it would and would not entail. And of course they loved
the idea. :-)

When my oldest two children were very young, I was quite the disciplinarian.
I didn't want the boys to cry, you always had to do what the teacher said,
yada yada yada. I was a military man as well as a law enforcement officer.
You did what was expected of you, to the best of your ability.

How I wish I had those years back. I tell my children now that my youngest
two have benefited so much from my experiences with my eldest. I have told
my kids that I regret those days and wish I could turn back the clock and be
their guide and mentor instead of their lord and taskmaster. But you can
only do what you can do, and, thankfully, I have a wonderful relationship
with all four of my kids today.

What prompted me to write an intro, finally, was reading the discussions
between a few of the members here who are having trouble dealing with
recalcitrant husbands. Those who sound a lot like I was, a long time ago. :D
I find this exchange fascinating, because over the past few years I have
found that I, the male father figure, am the one who has been more lenient.
I am the one who didn't want to enforce bedtimes, saying, they will learn
they need to get up when they are tired all day the next day. I didn't want
to enforce certain mealtimes nor did I mind if someone wasn't hungry
(although I admit I enjoyed dinners when we were all together). I would
NEVER make a child clean his plate of food; I hated that when I was a child
and I hate it today. I was the one who was lenient in style of dress,
hairstyles, music, movies, you name it.

Don't get me wrong, I did try to 'enforce' certain rules when I felt that it
would bring negative or unwanted attention upon ME, but over time I learned
not to worry about those things, either. I have found that setting a good
example is the best teacher of all. If you want your children to be polite
to others, then thank the cashier and the waitress in front of them. Smile
at people and engage them in conversation. Return lost items. Simple,
really.

As for learning and "teaching" things, I have always handled (well always is
a big word, but in general), I have always tried to explain, to the best of
my ability, the answer to a question posed by one of my children. I remember
trying to explain the way a clutch and transmission work when my son, who
was six or seven at the time, asked me why I had to shift gears while
driving. :-)

I find now that my sons' knowledge far surpasses mine in many areas. My 13
year old is a self-taught web designer, and is working his way through a
manual on programming in C++. Trust me, he didn't learn this in junior high
jail. My 18 year old is a history and mythology buff. He can rattle off so
much ancient history it is hard to keep up. And again, you can believe me
when I say that he was *not* taught that in high school. I'm waiting for my
girls to arrive. I think they are nervous about being 'home skooled', but I
truly believe when they find out they can read watch talk learn about
whatever THEY want, they will be happy to have moved here.

To those wives who are struggling to unschool with traditional dads, may I
suggest something? As a man, and hopefully, understanding the way men think,
I always wanted my children to be independent and think for themselves (yes,
even though I would chastise them for being independent of what I thought
:grin: ) So perhaps one way you might begin to sublty influence your
husbands to come to the 'dark side' is to illuminate how independent little
Johnny or Jane is, since you've been unschooling. Introduce into the
conversation that the child was so interested in this certain topic, ALL ON
HIS OWN. Tell hubby how great it is that Jane picks out her own clothes,
puts on her own shoes, decides on her own what she wants to eat, etc. "This
girl will be a real LEADER some day! She won't let anybody pull her around
by the nose! She's a thinker, she knows what she wants. I bet that she gets
it from you, Dear!" :wink wink:


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pamela Sorooshian

Good insight. Thanks Allan.

I also wanted to mention that i know moms who had recalcitrant
husbands and they had "homeschool time" every day, but it was always
fun stuff that the kids decided on. Mom and kids would brainstorm
topics and activities to do during "homeschool time." Sometimes it
would be a topic like "weather" and mom would gather fun/interesting
stuff related to that topic - movie from the library, a home weather
station, etc. Mom would always keep the kids interests in mind -
hands-on activities that the kids would enjoy, for example. The kids
NEVER had to do it if they didn't feel like it - so it was mom's
challenge to make it fun enough to entice them. Other times it would
be a certain game they all wanted to play or a time to do art stuff
or listen to a book on tape. The husbands seemed to be satisfied by
the existence of "homeschool time" each day - even though it didn't
look like conventional school with workbooks, etc. The kids liked
that dedicated time - mom not distracted b anything else and the moms
were really good at coming up with things to do that the kids really
did enjoy.

It isn't unschooling but it is a lot better than regular school-at-
home and a good transition TO unschooling.

-pam

On Nov 21, 2005, at 4:34 PM, Allans Email wrote:

> As a man, and hopefully, understanding the way men think,
> I always wanted my children to be independent and think for
> themselves (yes,
> even though I would chastise them for being independent of what I
> thought
> :grin: )



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Krisula Moyer

This is such a good suggestion from Pam. I think there is a tendency to try
to say well I can't unschool because DH doesn't get it or worse even, to get
angry or impatient with a husband who is still on the beginning of the
learning curve. Wrecking that relationship does nothing to help the kids.
KWIM? My husband is soooo patient and trusting of what I want to
accomplish with the kids. But at times when he has been wanting something
to change, I need to get to the root of what he really wants and brain storm
with him about how we might accomplish that. (it's not always as peaceful
as that sounds LOL) Recently, he started talking about getting them to go
to bed earlier and "Do they really have to watch that much TV?" Well, my
hackles went up about limits and respecting their rhythms etc. but when we
got to the bottom of it he really just wanted more time to interact with
them without them saying "I'm watching this show" or whatever. His schedule
after all is much more limited by work (what a guy as Sandra says) than
theirs is.

So, to shorten this long story, we decided (discussed, it with the kids
etc.) that we could all - including dh- leave our individual pursuits at 8pm
and get together to do something together. This would not have occurred to
me bc I see the kids all day every day but he doesn't and we decided that 8
to whenever was a good time for us to connect as a family. 10yo Sydney took
that idea and ran with it. She organized movie night, "family fun night"
and Saturday breakfast which she and dad cook togethter. After bkfst we
talk about (well actually it is more like a detailed family meeting) what
movies to put on the Netflix list for movie night and what games we want to
play for family fun night, vacation plans and any other business people
bring up. Hubby is happy with all the involvement and the kids are way
happy to have more of his energy in the mix of our busy lives.

The kids don't see it as an imposition, (though there is sometimes some
complaining at the moment when it's time to leave off what they're doing.)
They understand that the bit of structure helps us meet one of our needs
(Dad's) and we try to meet all of everyone's needs here.

I know this isn't the same as "homeschool time" as it was put forth on this
thread but the same kind of approach would work for that as well as other
concerns dads have that threaten to derail unschooling or cause tention
between the parents. Having a peaceful happy family where everybody cares
about each other is the biggest reason I wanted to unschool in the first
place.

Krisula

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good insight. Thanks Allan.

I also wanted to mention that i know moms who had recalcitrant husbands and
they had "homeschool time" every day, but it was always fun stuff that the
kids decided on. Mom and kids would brainstorm topics and activities to do
during "homeschool time." Sometimes it would be a topic like "weather" and
mom would gather fun/interesting stuff related to that topic - movie from
the library, a home weather station, etc. Mom would always keep the kids
interests in mind - hands-on activities that the kids would enjoy, for
example. The kids NEVER had to do it if they didn't feel like it - so it was
mom's challenge to make it fun enough to entice them. Other times it would
be a certain game they all wanted to play or a time to do art stuff or
listen to a book on tape. The husbands seemed to be satisfied by the
existence of "homeschool time" each day - even though it didn't look like
conventional school with workbooks, etc. The kids liked that dedicated time
- mom not distracted b anything else and the moms were really good at coming
up with things to do that the kids really did enjoy.

It isn't unschooling but it is a lot better than regular school-at- home and
a good transition TO unschooling.

-pam