lmanathome

My family has travelled from NY to Florida to visit my dh's family.
And dh anxiety about what dd (almost 12) can and can't do is
surfacing. And he's is getting angry at
my response to his anxiety. I need some ideas on new ways to respond
to him.

For instance, along with being a nonproficient reader, she can not
read an analog clock yet. I am not worried. What worries me more is
his reponse to what she doesn't know. I trust that she will
eventually get all this. He is concerned about the limitations that
are imposed due to her lack of knowledge, her selfconsciousness
about this. While I also am concerned about her self esteem, I am
more concerned his undermining her self confidence due to his
response, as private as he attempts to be in his discussing this with
me...his not so subtle impatience with me as a direct result of her
limitations has got to be understood on some subliminal level.

Lisa.

Pam Sorooshian

On May 7, 2005, at 7:18 AM, lmanathome wrote:

> While I also am concerned about her self esteem, I am
> more concerned his undermining her self confidence due to his
> response, as private as he attempts to be in his discussing this with
> me...his not so subtle impatience with me as a direct result of her
> limitations has got to be understood on some subliminal level.

Well - if you try to cover up his anxieties, you might be sort of
creating the "subliminal" message yourself - hush hush, big secret,
isn't this scary, don't let dear daughter know that dad is worried.....

I'd think maybe you and he and SHE ought to talk about unschooling
right out in the open - honestly - she's old enough. You need to be
confident and clear with HER as well as with him. Unschooling means
learning on a completely different time frame, different things, and
CAN mean there are things a 12 yo doesn't know that other 12 year olds
would have been taught in school, by that age. Be open about that - we
expect it and it is okay and normal for unschooled kids. We have a
MUCH higher goal than schools have - and in the interest of pursuing
that far more lofty objective, there are things that we don't do.

Our "more lofty goal" is to preserve the child's natural inner urge to
learn, to not snuff it out - to not create apathy or resistance -
which is what "schooling" nearly universally does create.

In order to preserve the child's natural love of learning, to support a
sense of ownership of her own learning, we do not impose our idea of
when, what, where, or how the child should learn - we KNOW the child
won't necessarily learn what schooled kids are being taught. We allow
that ON PURPOSE - it is part of the expected outcome of unschooling and
NOT something to worry about. It is okay. Insisting on her learning
specific things at specific times, whether she's interested or not,
would undermine the far more important ultimate goal.

Hope that kind of approach helps - focus on the ultimate goal, the
reasons why you're okay with her not knowing things that would be
"taught" (remember, taught doesn't mean every kid "learns" either) in
school.

-pam

Krisula Moyer

Someone please archive this. It hits the nail on the head!
__________________________
Pam wrote:

>>I'd think maybe you and he and SHE ought to talk about unschooling right
out in the open - honestly - she's old enough. You need to be confident and
clear with HER as well as with him. Unschooling means learning on a
completely different time frame, different things, and CAN mean there are
things a 12 yo doesn't know that other 12 year olds would have been taught
in school, by that age. Be open about that - we expect it and it is okay and
normal for unschooled kids. We have a MUCH higher goal than schools have -
and in the interest of pursuing that far more lofty objective, there are
things that we don't do.

Our "more lofty goal" is to preserve the child's natural inner urge to
learn, to not snuff it out - to not create apathy or resistance - which is
what "schooling" nearly universally does create.

In order to preserve the child's natural love of learning, to support a
sense of ownership of her own learning, we do not impose our idea of when,
what, where, or how the child should learn - we KNOW the child won't
necessarily learn what schooled kids are being taught. We allow that ON
PURPOSE - it is part of the expected outcome of unschooling and NOT
something to worry about. It is okay. Insisting on her learning specific
things at specific times, whether she's interested or not, would undermine
the far more important ultimate goal.<<

Julie-TX

When I first read the title of the email, I thought it
said "abnoxious husband" !!

Julie


--- Krisula Moyer <krisula@...> wrote:
> Someone please archive this. It hits the nail on
> the head!
> __________________________
> Pam wrote:
>
> >>I'd think maybe you and he and SHE ought to talk
> about unschooling right
> out in the open - honestly - she's old enough. You
> need to be confident and
> clear with HER as well as with him. Unschooling
> means learning on a
> completely different time frame, different things,
> and CAN mean there are
> things a 12 yo doesn't know that other 12 year olds
> would have been taught
> in school, by that age. Be open about that - we
> expect it and it is okay and
> normal for unschooled kids. We have a MUCH higher
> goal than schools have -
> and in the interest of pursuing that far more lofty
> objective, there are
> things that we don't do.
>
> Our "more lofty goal" is to preserve the child's
> natural inner urge to
> learn, to not snuff it out - to not create apathy or
> resistance - which is
> what "schooling" nearly universally does create.
>
> In order to preserve the child's natural love of
> learning, to support a
> sense of ownership of her own learning, we do not
> impose our idea of when,
> what, where, or how the child should learn - we KNOW
> the child won't
> necessarily learn what schooled kids are being
> taught. We allow that ON
> PURPOSE - it is part of the expected outcome of
> unschooling and NOT
> something to worry about. It is okay. Insisting on
> her learning specific
> things at specific times, whether she's interested
> or not, would undermine
> the far more important ultimate goal.<<
>
>
>
>
>

www.insulinisnotacure.com Juvenile Diabetes Message Board



__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Small Business - Try our new resources site!
http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/resources/

Hilary

Hi Pam,

thanks for this post. It really hit home with me too. I have just
today got my copy of "The Book of Learning & Forgetting" in the post
and am snuggled up by the fire (yep, its winter here!) reading it.

Its great, and I guess your post and the book are singing the same
song.

I can honestly feel the schooly layers peeling off me, the fear
starting to drop away. It is such a relief to feel this process
realy happening as it has been pretty stressful over the past 9
months since we got out/became free - to hold all that stuff, the
worry, the parental panuc attacks etc etc that happen when you step
outside of "the system". I had told myself that it was happening,
btu I think I was tryign to will myselfl to stop worrying (HA!). Now
I can really feel it happening, I know this is for real.

I've noticed that I don't feel so defensive anymore, like I have to
justify what I / we do during the day to anyone. I am almost coming
to enjoy their mystified looks when I say that we do no formal
textbook work or bookwork.

Its been 9 months since we left school... - that seems kind of
significant in a way...not unlike a pregnancy. Perhaps I have
finally given birth to my inner unschooler!

So - thanks for writing what you did. I drank it up tonight!
Warmly
Hilary



--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@e...> wrote:
(snip)
> Our "more lofty goal" is to preserve the child's natural inner
urge to
> learn, to not snuff it out - to not create apathy or resistance -
> which is what "schooling" nearly universally does create.
>(snip)