The challenge of paradigm shifts was bedtimes
Robyn Coburn
I am discombobulated because I wrote this post and sent it, then every other
post to every group I wrote subsequently came through and this one did not.
Therefore, being impatient I am re-posting, and my apologies if you get it
twice.
**************************************
<<<<<< Attitudes take time to change, but I know I can
do it.>>>>>
That's the spirit, Judy! Yes you can.
I have not posted to this general thread, because everyone else has said
what I would have said, with enormous eloquence. However there are a couple
of ideas I wanted to revisit.
You mentioned earlier that you have only been around a month, and that you
are still making your way through Sandra's writing. I would encourage you to
continue to read all her site.
The most difficult work ahead of you is not in implementing the positive
changes to your *behavior* that folk have suggested and you are beginning
(kudos!), but, as you have discovered, it is making the internal changes in
attitude - paradigm shifts.
I want to suggest that you read back over some of your recent posts, looking
at the language that you are using to describe yourself. You use imperatives
a lot that may indicate a lack of belief that you have much broader choices
than may seem obvious to you. You use "I need", "I must", "always" often.
Some of your statements imply a powerlessness in the face of ....what?
Convention, the School district, time passing in the day, a preconceived
notion of what "good parenting" looks like, expectations imposed on yourself
and others?
Much of your paradigm seems still stuck in the idea that parents and
children "must" or "will" inevitably be adversaries. I feel sad when I read
it because I feel that you are trapped by these self-expectations that some
of your words reveal. The sparkling wonder of Unschooling is that it frees
the parents to a life of greater joy as much as it frees the children! If
you keep at it, and don't get discouraged by the incisive rigor of some of
the discussion or slide in to a state of defensiveness, the rewards in your
own spiritual growth can be as enriching as the blossoming brilliance of
your children as they grow.
This self-examination and willingness to go through temporarily feeling
really lousy about the "former self" can be the hard part - but it is
simplified when we make a conscious effort to change our words to change our
thoughts.
I'll give you a kinda picky example.
Your daughter is "in school". Continuing to keep the idea that it is "only
Kindergarten" by backing off from the phrases "in school" or "being
schooled" in your thoughts, is minimizing the damage that Kindergarten can
do in terms of preparation of the child's mind for school culture. It is the
first deposit in an investment in schoolish thoughts and habits and the idea
of grades and that learning should be directed externally on an imposed
timetable (in the child's mind, let alone the parents).
When school is expected, or home is not made more vibrant than school can
seem, or the child does not *genuinely* choose school (which includes the
freedom to quit at any time) but instead is trying to fulfill a need in the
most socially obvious, commonplace way, or because she has simply not had
the possibility of options discussed, then "sending" one child to school
will remain a barrier to getting to Unschooling with Joy for the whole
family.
You do have more options for fulfilling the true need, once it has been
discerned and discussed with your dd, and these lists are great places to
get a quick kick in the pants if you are stuck in an "our choices are
limited" rut. It seems from what you said that her true need is for friends
and activities. I endorse what another poster said about finding some local
groups now, regardless of your timetable for pulling her out. Just recall
that the fact that she is in school is placing barriers to getting to full
understanding of Unschooling in your path - not that these cannot be
overcome.
On a practical note try www.nhen.org both for local groups and Statewide
organizations that can give you a better idea of your legal options in NH.
I want to endorse what Danielle said, about coming over to Always Unschooled
also. Please read the list description and guidelines carefully (my
automatic caution). We are also very rigorous and often have deeply
incisive, penetrating discussions where we challenge each other to broaden
our thinking both as parents and, recently, as spouses.
We also have a monthly parenting/learning philosophies book discussion that
has been wonderful. However that list's greatest usefulness to you, Judy,
might be that simply because the focus is on pre-school aged children, the
attention paid to the "educational component" of Unschooling is minimal,
while the greatest emphasis is on the Whole Life component of RU - those
very areas you are exploring.
We also have a files section on the group homepage that includes many other
articles, links, and book lists that Danielle has been indefatigable in
compiling for our greater ease of perusal.
Of course the "problem" with it is that Kelly, Ren and Pam aren't there, so
do stay here too!
Robyn L. Coburn
--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.7.2 - Release Date: 3/11/2005
post to every group I wrote subsequently came through and this one did not.
Therefore, being impatient I am re-posting, and my apologies if you get it
twice.
**************************************
<<<<<< Attitudes take time to change, but I know I can
do it.>>>>>
That's the spirit, Judy! Yes you can.
I have not posted to this general thread, because everyone else has said
what I would have said, with enormous eloquence. However there are a couple
of ideas I wanted to revisit.
You mentioned earlier that you have only been around a month, and that you
are still making your way through Sandra's writing. I would encourage you to
continue to read all her site.
The most difficult work ahead of you is not in implementing the positive
changes to your *behavior* that folk have suggested and you are beginning
(kudos!), but, as you have discovered, it is making the internal changes in
attitude - paradigm shifts.
I want to suggest that you read back over some of your recent posts, looking
at the language that you are using to describe yourself. You use imperatives
a lot that may indicate a lack of belief that you have much broader choices
than may seem obvious to you. You use "I need", "I must", "always" often.
Some of your statements imply a powerlessness in the face of ....what?
Convention, the School district, time passing in the day, a preconceived
notion of what "good parenting" looks like, expectations imposed on yourself
and others?
Much of your paradigm seems still stuck in the idea that parents and
children "must" or "will" inevitably be adversaries. I feel sad when I read
it because I feel that you are trapped by these self-expectations that some
of your words reveal. The sparkling wonder of Unschooling is that it frees
the parents to a life of greater joy as much as it frees the children! If
you keep at it, and don't get discouraged by the incisive rigor of some of
the discussion or slide in to a state of defensiveness, the rewards in your
own spiritual growth can be as enriching as the blossoming brilliance of
your children as they grow.
This self-examination and willingness to go through temporarily feeling
really lousy about the "former self" can be the hard part - but it is
simplified when we make a conscious effort to change our words to change our
thoughts.
I'll give you a kinda picky example.
Your daughter is "in school". Continuing to keep the idea that it is "only
Kindergarten" by backing off from the phrases "in school" or "being
schooled" in your thoughts, is minimizing the damage that Kindergarten can
do in terms of preparation of the child's mind for school culture. It is the
first deposit in an investment in schoolish thoughts and habits and the idea
of grades and that learning should be directed externally on an imposed
timetable (in the child's mind, let alone the parents).
When school is expected, or home is not made more vibrant than school can
seem, or the child does not *genuinely* choose school (which includes the
freedom to quit at any time) but instead is trying to fulfill a need in the
most socially obvious, commonplace way, or because she has simply not had
the possibility of options discussed, then "sending" one child to school
will remain a barrier to getting to Unschooling with Joy for the whole
family.
You do have more options for fulfilling the true need, once it has been
discerned and discussed with your dd, and these lists are great places to
get a quick kick in the pants if you are stuck in an "our choices are
limited" rut. It seems from what you said that her true need is for friends
and activities. I endorse what another poster said about finding some local
groups now, regardless of your timetable for pulling her out. Just recall
that the fact that she is in school is placing barriers to getting to full
understanding of Unschooling in your path - not that these cannot be
overcome.
On a practical note try www.nhen.org both for local groups and Statewide
organizations that can give you a better idea of your legal options in NH.
I want to endorse what Danielle said, about coming over to Always Unschooled
also. Please read the list description and guidelines carefully (my
automatic caution). We are also very rigorous and often have deeply
incisive, penetrating discussions where we challenge each other to broaden
our thinking both as parents and, recently, as spouses.
We also have a monthly parenting/learning philosophies book discussion that
has been wonderful. However that list's greatest usefulness to you, Judy,
might be that simply because the focus is on pre-school aged children, the
attention paid to the "educational component" of Unschooling is minimal,
while the greatest emphasis is on the Whole Life component of RU - those
very areas you are exploring.
We also have a files section on the group homepage that includes many other
articles, links, and book lists that Danielle has been indefatigable in
compiling for our greater ease of perusal.
Of course the "problem" with it is that Kelly, Ren and Pam aren't there, so
do stay here too!
Robyn L. Coburn
--
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.7.2 - Release Date: 3/11/2005
Pam Sorooshian
On Mar 15, 2005, at 2:54 PM, Robyn Coburn wrote:
preschool for almost my whole life and I "got" unschooling by
understanding it as a natural extension of the kind of free-school
program my mom ran.
I may not be on that list, but it makes me really happy to know it is
there and you all are there talking about these things while your kids
are still so young.
LUCKY KIDS!!
(Lucky parents, too!)
-pam
> Of course the "problem" with it is that Kelly, Ren and Pam aren'tMy BABY is 14. But I LOVE preschool-age children - my mom ran a
> there, so
> do stay here too!
> Ah - that was sweet of you to say.
preschool for almost my whole life and I "got" unschooling by
understanding it as a natural extension of the kind of free-school
program my mom ran.
I may not be on that list, but it makes me really happy to know it is
there and you all are there talking about these things while your kids
are still so young.
LUCKY KIDS!!
(Lucky parents, too!)
-pam