elguthaus

Has anyone faced major roadblocks with their spouse when it comes to unschooling? I've been in process of transitioning our family to an unschooling frame of mind as well as a much more relaxed parenting style (just not quite in line with what I would consider radical unschooling) over the past 3 or so months. During the initial stages, DH wasn't around much as we was finishing up the end of his school year (he's a full time Master's student) and was really busy with papers etc. Things were going fairly well...and then he reentered the home scene full time. Let's just say that the past month to 6 weeks has felt chaotic, disasterous and unrestful!

We have talked about how for me as the primary care giver, unschooling is a natural fit with how I roll with our kids. He just can't seem to let go of 'the old way' of doing things and I'm not sure how else to communicate with him so that I don't feel like I'm constantly correcting him or undermining what his expectations are. In turn, there's much more of the 'old' infiltrating our life right now and it feels yuck.

He's recently started working part time and the days/evenings when he's gone have been so much more peaceful. The last thing I want to do is make him feel guilty about things, but something has to give.

plaidpanties666

--- In [email protected], "elguthaus" <eguthaus@...> wrote:
>> The last thing I want to do is make him feel guilty about things, but something has to give.
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What "has to give" first is expectations. From your perspective this has been a gradual change, but your dh hasn't been around enough to have that experience. From his perspective, you pulled a rug out from under his feet! Even if he likes the *idea* of unschooling its going to take him time to adjust *and* time to learn new skills. That's going to take him longer, too, because he doesn't have as much time to practice, and he's under pressure. Its rough learning something new with someone standing over you correcting your every move - you wouldn't do that with your kids, right? Its not any easier on your spouse.

> He just can't seem to let go of 'the old way' of doing things

Does he want to? What does he see as his role as a parent? How does he feel about that role, about being a dad? Those are useful things to talk about! Chances are he loves his kids and wants "the best" for them, whatever that is - its important to acknowledge that and express some appreciation for him as a parent and a person. He's not trying to make you crazy or wreck his kids' lives, after all ;)

One of the biggest barriers to dads (generic for "working partners") getting comfortable with unschooling is a sense that their feelings and values don't count. That can leave dads feeling like all this so-called "peace and freedom" is at the expense of them as wage-slaves - not a good recipe for getting anyone on board! So it can help a whoooole lot to extend the same kinds of principles you bring to your relationship with your kids to that with your partner. Be kind and gentle and trust that they Will learn what they need to know, but maybe not in ways you expect, and they Will make decisions and do things differently than you do.

>>I'm not sure how else to communicate with him so that I don't feel like I'm constantly correcting him or undermining what his expectations are.
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Don't correct - it doesn't help adults any more than kids. If he's going to spank someone, intervene, but other than that he'll need to develop his own way of relating to the kids. If he seems to be struggling, it can help to talk about that outside the moment - ask him what he'd like you do to. Butt out? Offer ideas? Jump to his rescue? I love it when George jumps to my rescue, but we've also talked about that, about saving each other from being the parents we Don't want to be. So George jumping in doesn't feel like "correction" it feels like my knight in shining armor is saving the day!

> He's recently started working part time and the days/evenings when he's gone have been so much more peaceful.
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Another issue that's complicating everything is that this is a transitional time. He's in school, which means periodic transitions right there, plus he's in school for a reason (I assume) and intends to be getting a full-time job once he's done. Its a screwy situation because nothing he's doing right now feels permanent and stable. That's going to feed in to any resistance to change - his life is changing every three months and you want to change the stable center of his universe: the home. That's hard on anyone.

Over the winter I had a temporary lay-off and it was challenging for me to find ways to fit myself back into family life. I had the advantage of having been the at-home parent for years, and the advantage of a really solid partnership with George, but it was still challenging - and awkward transition. Be as gentle as you possibly can be with your partner. Talk about your feelings and needs for sure, but be as attentive and responsive to his as you can, too. It will help him understand unschooling on a gut level if you do, and dads who understand unschooling deep down can become fantastic advocates and champions of your lifestyle.

---Meredith

Vidyut Kale

Hi,

I am in a similar position. My husband agrees freely about the damage done
by schools, but sees them as a necessary evil, non-negotiable. I see respect
and freedom for my child as something non-negotiable.

We are lucky, as our son is a baby, so we have plenty of time to arrive at a
mutually thought out choice and while he isn't interested in hearing me talk
about unschooling, he does act in a way that is caring in the little time he
spends with our son.

It is easier with him away for me too, but I have started seeing that it
isn't so much about our son or unschooling as it is about the state of the
relationship between the two of us. Both of us have made very hurtful
choices in the way we are with each other and we have not managed to move
much toward being in harmony in some aspects which tend to flare when we
spend time together.

One thing that I think helped was being part of an unschooling camp. While
my husband held himself aloof, he also was seeing a lot of things. On our
return, he brought up a lot of things like "how can those parents let their
kids eat anything they like?". While it all seemed critical on the surface,
I noticed that he didn't criticize the respect or freedom given to children
in many ways traditionally associated with learning. Also, he was
questioning what he was seeing, which is an indication of interest and
curiosity about how things happened. We have a lot of time. So I guess it
was 'good enough' for me at that stage that he registered what it all seemed
to be about and seemed okay as a whole except for some aspects. He formed
relationships with people there, that he initiated interaction with later on
subjects unrelated with unschooling. I see this as a tentative exploration
around the edges, which will allow him to find out as much or as little as
he desires (it is shaking a lot of his beliefs). We have all the time it
takes.

I don't know if this helps your situation if the decision is more immediate.

Another thing that I struggle with is seeing this as a joint decision. I am
so convinced about unschooling, that it is difficult for me to consider
schooling as a possibility for my child. Yet, isn't this exactly how he
feels about schooling? I am learning to trust that both of us want the best
of life for Nisarga. So I am learning about what he values about schooling
and sharing what I value about unschooling and also what we dislike. I am
hoping that we will evolve into being able to agree on things we both like
or dislike which will help us find a mutual choice. I am the biggest
obstacle to this, unfortunately. i tend to slip into thinking I know school
and I don't like it, forgetting that the point is what he likes about it,
which makes him defensive.

Vidyut


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