Stephanie Kimball

Thanks, all, for the wonderful responses on dealing with violence.
You've given me a lot (more) to think about!

We've had a blissful few days here, but instead of just relaxing
through this little interlude (the angry outbursts seem to come in
cycles, sometimes with weeks of peace in between, often lulling me
into thinking maybe we've gotten through that phase....) I am using
it to find every possible opportunity to build my relationship with my
son. It's been fascinating. I'm learning about him and my daughter
but even more about myself, and my amazing ability to make "yes"
sound negative. (i.e. Yes, but only if...... Yes, but be
careful to......... Yes, but I expect......... etc. etc.) I think
in my own childhood I internalized a bit of guilt about feeling joy
or pleasure for following one's heart (after all, joy and pleasure are
supposed to result from hard work, doing a good job, mastering
impulses and serving others; indulging yourself is....... well,
indulgent!) and attaching downers to everything has been my sort of
psychic compromise between what I carry around subconsciously and what
makes sense to me now. Now that I see that, of course, I'm dropping
it, and making sure my kids know that when I say Yes it's not coming
with a grudge but with love and joy and total support.

That helps some -- there's been a lot of joy and generosity around
here recently, since these things are contagious!! Even so, though,
there are times when my son's desires simply can't be met, and until
he trusts that I really and truly want to do all I can to facilitate
him getting what he wants, these unavoidable "no's" are likely to
set him off on one of his horrible tantrums. (This is my theory right
now, at least -- that once he can get past the conviction that the
whole world is out to get him, he'll be able to handle the times when
he is let down better.) So for the past several days I've been
repeating to myself, "it's about the relationship" almost like a
mantra, in hopes that when tempers flare I can focus my response on
what's broken or breaking in the relationship and attempt to set that
right, rather than trying to fix the situation that seems to have
triggered the anger. I've had a couple opportunities to practice this
approach in the last couple days, and am encouraged that even my
clumsy attempts seem to help some. :)

Anyway thanks again for all the suggestions. I really, really
appreciate the support!

stephanie