teens (long - sorry)
carenkh
I had lunch with a friend of mine earlier this week. She and I have been
friends since our oldest boys were teeny-tiny, we met in La Leche
League. Our boys are now 16 and 17! Our friendship has had its ups and
downs - she veered away from unschooling when she got married to a very
conservative man, and her relationship with her kids became more
coercive and controlling. Because we value our friendship, we've talked
a LOT about all of this, and she's been hurt by some things I've said,
and I've been hurt by some things she's said, and we've worked through
it. It's been amazing having an aware, conscious person to work through
arguments with! We've both grown a lot. We've reached a point now, where
we both feel: 'That's not how I choose to do things, but it seems to be
working for you. I can tell you love your kids.'
Up to now, I would have added, "And your kids appear to be happy and
doing OK." But at our lunch, she was talking about some concerns she has
about her stepson. He is one child I truly wish I could have unschooled
with. Aspberger's, very into computers. I offered, actually! And she
considered it, then he made some choices that I felt would negatively
affect my boys (WAY too much to get into here), so we didn't do that.
She limits time on computers, video games, etc.
Anyway - at our lunch, she was saying how concerned she was that he
didn't want to go out as much, that he seemed to be happier and more
comfortable online. He graduated from high school last year. She is
really worried about his future, that he'll end up alone and friendless.
I talked a lot about accepting where he was, that he does have tools to
ask for what he needs, that online friendships are very valuable,
especially because he thinks differently than a lot of people, so
finding people who think like he does is more important than whether
it's online or IRL.
Here's where I get to my point. (you knew it was coming, right?) When I
suggested that she could tell him her fears, not with thoughts of
changing him or his choices, but just to say them out loud to him would
be helpful, she said, "I can't do that. He would think I was trying to
control him. He's not interested in what I have to say. He doesn't want
to hear it." Well. OK. So this is where years of control, coercion,
insistence that Mom's way is best comes back to bite her on the ass. I
don't really know how to say this - she is a VERY loving parent. Her
kids know she loves them. This sounds weak, but - she's not as bad as
most parents out there. BUT, she believes in 1-2-3 Magic, and control.
In just this one conversation, she summed up a HUGE reason I choose to
parent the way I do - if you don't manipulate your kids, they will not
be afraid of your manipulation. They will be open to hearing what you
have to say. You can communicate honestly.
I didn't say any of this to her that day. I may, if the time seems
right, or she asks for help. She has 2 other kids at home - her 17
year-old, and 15-year-old (whom she says is choosing to spend a LOT of
time away from the family lately. She can't believe he's behaving like a
typical teenager!) I was going to write this out (more organized!) as a
blog post, but she could read my blog, and I didn't want to do that
without having talked to her first.
If you're having doubts about this radical unschooling thing, here is
proof - more proof! - that the time to let go of fear and go there is
TODAY. It takes years to build a relationship, and more years to repair
the damage that a coercive lifestyle can do. Things like 1-2-3 Magic get
short-term results, but have long-term consequences. Let 2009 be the
year you start to let go! So in 2018 you can talk honestly to your
almost-grown child, and they won't dismiss what you have to say.
peace,
Caren
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
friends since our oldest boys were teeny-tiny, we met in La Leche
League. Our boys are now 16 and 17! Our friendship has had its ups and
downs - she veered away from unschooling when she got married to a very
conservative man, and her relationship with her kids became more
coercive and controlling. Because we value our friendship, we've talked
a LOT about all of this, and she's been hurt by some things I've said,
and I've been hurt by some things she's said, and we've worked through
it. It's been amazing having an aware, conscious person to work through
arguments with! We've both grown a lot. We've reached a point now, where
we both feel: 'That's not how I choose to do things, but it seems to be
working for you. I can tell you love your kids.'
Up to now, I would have added, "And your kids appear to be happy and
doing OK." But at our lunch, she was talking about some concerns she has
about her stepson. He is one child I truly wish I could have unschooled
with. Aspberger's, very into computers. I offered, actually! And she
considered it, then he made some choices that I felt would negatively
affect my boys (WAY too much to get into here), so we didn't do that.
She limits time on computers, video games, etc.
Anyway - at our lunch, she was saying how concerned she was that he
didn't want to go out as much, that he seemed to be happier and more
comfortable online. He graduated from high school last year. She is
really worried about his future, that he'll end up alone and friendless.
I talked a lot about accepting where he was, that he does have tools to
ask for what he needs, that online friendships are very valuable,
especially because he thinks differently than a lot of people, so
finding people who think like he does is more important than whether
it's online or IRL.
Here's where I get to my point. (you knew it was coming, right?) When I
suggested that she could tell him her fears, not with thoughts of
changing him or his choices, but just to say them out loud to him would
be helpful, she said, "I can't do that. He would think I was trying to
control him. He's not interested in what I have to say. He doesn't want
to hear it." Well. OK. So this is where years of control, coercion,
insistence that Mom's way is best comes back to bite her on the ass. I
don't really know how to say this - she is a VERY loving parent. Her
kids know she loves them. This sounds weak, but - she's not as bad as
most parents out there. BUT, she believes in 1-2-3 Magic, and control.
In just this one conversation, she summed up a HUGE reason I choose to
parent the way I do - if you don't manipulate your kids, they will not
be afraid of your manipulation. They will be open to hearing what you
have to say. You can communicate honestly.
I didn't say any of this to her that day. I may, if the time seems
right, or she asks for help. She has 2 other kids at home - her 17
year-old, and 15-year-old (whom she says is choosing to spend a LOT of
time away from the family lately. She can't believe he's behaving like a
typical teenager!) I was going to write this out (more organized!) as a
blog post, but she could read my blog, and I didn't want to do that
without having talked to her first.
If you're having doubts about this radical unschooling thing, here is
proof - more proof! - that the time to let go of fear and go there is
TODAY. It takes years to build a relationship, and more years to repair
the damage that a coercive lifestyle can do. Things like 1-2-3 Magic get
short-term results, but have long-term consequences. Let 2009 be the
year you start to let go! So in 2018 you can talk honestly to your
almost-grown child, and they won't dismiss what you have to say.
peace,
Caren
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather & Markus Schleidt
Caren,
I don't have teenagers, but I am so excited about the day I do and that is why I was reading this post. I love the teenage years and don't do well with the younger years, so I am really trying to soak in the examples and stories of how radical unschooling works. In my previous post, that was a lot of what I was looking for - examples of proof positive. In the past week, I have read several posts about radical unschooling vs. traditional parenting and am trying VERY hard to let loose of the (little) bit of control I have over my children. My husband is a different story and I won't go into it (he's not a control-freak but certainly likes to maintain it much more than me). I enjoyed reading your post with a thought about the future for many of us. The more I read the easier I understand the path of this life-long journey.
Heather
To: [email protected]: carenkh@...: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 15:48:58 +0000Subject: [unschoolingbasics] teens (long - sorry)
I had lunch with a friend of mine earlier this week. She and I have beenfriends since our oldest boys were teeny-tiny, we met in La LecheLeague. Our boys are now 16 and 17! Our friendship has had its ups anddowns - she veered away from unschooling when she got married to a veryconservative man, and her relationship with her kids became morecoercive and controlling. Because we value our friendship, we've talkeda LOT about all of this, and she's been hurt by some things I've said,and I've been hurt by some things she's said, and we've worked throughit. It's been amazing having an aware, conscious person to work througharguments with! We've both grown a lot. We've reached a point now, wherewe both feel: 'That's not how I choose to do things, but it seems to beworking for you. I can tell you love your kids.'Up to now, I would have added, "And your kids appear to be happy anddoing OK." But at our lunch, she was talking about some concerns she hasabout her stepson. He is one child I truly wish I could have unschooledwith. Aspberger's, very into computers. I offered, actually! And sheconsidered it, then he made some choices that I felt would negativelyaffect my boys (WAY too much to get into here), so we didn't do that.She limits time on computers, video games, etc.Anyway - at our lunch, she was saying how concerned she was that hedidn't want to go out as much, that he seemed to be happier and morecomfortable online. He graduated from high school last year. She isreally worried about his future, that he'll end up alone and friendless.I talked a lot about accepting where he was, that he does have tools toask for what he needs, that online friendships are very valuable,especially because he thinks differently than a lot of people, sofinding people who think like he does is more important than whetherit's online or IRL.Here's where I get to my point. (you knew it was coming, right?) When Isuggested that she could tell him her fears, not with thoughts ofchanging him or his choices, but just to say them out loud to him wouldbe helpful, she said, "I can't do that. He would think I was trying tocontrol him. He's not interested in what I have to say. He doesn't wantto hear it." Well. OK. So this is where years of control, coercion,insistence that Mom's way is best comes back to bite her on the ass. Idon't really know how to say this - she is a VERY loving parent. Herkids know she loves them. This sounds weak, but - she's not as bad asmost parents out there. BUT, she believes in 1-2-3 Magic, and control.In just this one conversation, she summed up a HUGE reason I choose toparent the way I do - if you don't manipulate your kids, they will notbe afraid of your manipulation. They will be open to hearing what youhave to say. You can communicate honestly.I didn't say any of this to her that day. I may, if the time seemsright, or she asks for help. She has 2 other kids at home - her 17year-old, and 15-year-old (whom she says is choosing to spend a LOT oftime away from the family lately. She can't believe he's behaving like atypical teenager!) I was going to write this out (more organized!) as ablog post, but she could read my blog, and I didn't want to do thatwithout having talked to her first.If you're having doubts about this radical unschooling thing, here isproof - more proof! - that the time to let go of fear and go there isTODAY. It takes years to build a relationship, and more years to repairthe damage that a coercive lifestyle can do. Things like 1-2-3 Magic getshort-term results, but have long-term consequences. Let 2009 be theyear you start to let go! So in 2018 you can talk honestly to youralmost-grown child, and they won't dismiss what you have to say.peace,Caren[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
_________________________________________________________________
It�s the same Hotmail�. If by �same� you mean up to 70% faster.
http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_122008
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I don't have teenagers, but I am so excited about the day I do and that is why I was reading this post. I love the teenage years and don't do well with the younger years, so I am really trying to soak in the examples and stories of how radical unschooling works. In my previous post, that was a lot of what I was looking for - examples of proof positive. In the past week, I have read several posts about radical unschooling vs. traditional parenting and am trying VERY hard to let loose of the (little) bit of control I have over my children. My husband is a different story and I won't go into it (he's not a control-freak but certainly likes to maintain it much more than me). I enjoyed reading your post with a thought about the future for many of us. The more I read the easier I understand the path of this life-long journey.
Heather
To: [email protected]: carenkh@...: Fri, 2 Jan 2009 15:48:58 +0000Subject: [unschoolingbasics] teens (long - sorry)
I had lunch with a friend of mine earlier this week. She and I have beenfriends since our oldest boys were teeny-tiny, we met in La LecheLeague. Our boys are now 16 and 17! Our friendship has had its ups anddowns - she veered away from unschooling when she got married to a veryconservative man, and her relationship with her kids became morecoercive and controlling. Because we value our friendship, we've talkeda LOT about all of this, and she's been hurt by some things I've said,and I've been hurt by some things she's said, and we've worked throughit. It's been amazing having an aware, conscious person to work througharguments with! We've both grown a lot. We've reached a point now, wherewe both feel: 'That's not how I choose to do things, but it seems to beworking for you. I can tell you love your kids.'Up to now, I would have added, "And your kids appear to be happy anddoing OK." But at our lunch, she was talking about some concerns she hasabout her stepson. He is one child I truly wish I could have unschooledwith. Aspberger's, very into computers. I offered, actually! And sheconsidered it, then he made some choices that I felt would negativelyaffect my boys (WAY too much to get into here), so we didn't do that.She limits time on computers, video games, etc.Anyway - at our lunch, she was saying how concerned she was that hedidn't want to go out as much, that he seemed to be happier and morecomfortable online. He graduated from high school last year. She isreally worried about his future, that he'll end up alone and friendless.I talked a lot about accepting where he was, that he does have tools toask for what he needs, that online friendships are very valuable,especially because he thinks differently than a lot of people, sofinding people who think like he does is more important than whetherit's online or IRL.Here's where I get to my point. (you knew it was coming, right?) When Isuggested that she could tell him her fears, not with thoughts ofchanging him or his choices, but just to say them out loud to him wouldbe helpful, she said, "I can't do that. He would think I was trying tocontrol him. He's not interested in what I have to say. He doesn't wantto hear it." Well. OK. So this is where years of control, coercion,insistence that Mom's way is best comes back to bite her on the ass. Idon't really know how to say this - she is a VERY loving parent. Herkids know she loves them. This sounds weak, but - she's not as bad asmost parents out there. BUT, she believes in 1-2-3 Magic, and control.In just this one conversation, she summed up a HUGE reason I choose toparent the way I do - if you don't manipulate your kids, they will notbe afraid of your manipulation. They will be open to hearing what youhave to say. You can communicate honestly.I didn't say any of this to her that day. I may, if the time seemsright, or she asks for help. She has 2 other kids at home - her 17year-old, and 15-year-old (whom she says is choosing to spend a LOT oftime away from the family lately. She can't believe he's behaving like atypical teenager!) I was going to write this out (more organized!) as ablog post, but she could read my blog, and I didn't want to do thatwithout having talked to her first.If you're having doubts about this radical unschooling thing, here isproof - more proof! - that the time to let go of fear and go there isTODAY. It takes years to build a relationship, and more years to repairthe damage that a coercive lifestyle can do. Things like 1-2-3 Magic getshort-term results, but have long-term consequences. Let 2009 be theyear you start to let go! So in 2018 you can talk honestly to youralmost-grown child, and they won't dismiss what you have to say.peace,Caren[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
_________________________________________________________________
It�s the same Hotmail�. If by �same� you mean up to 70% faster.
http://windowslive.com/online/hotmail?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_hotmail_acq_broad1_122008
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vickisue Gray
Beautifully said Caren,
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Vicki
http://balderdashandblokus.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Vicki
http://balderdashandblokus.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]