Ren Allen

"But not since she has
discovered the use of TV as distraction. And I really think that is
part of
what we have to do... reinstate those limits on TV. Last night as we
prepared thanksgiving dinner and all the adults were busy, she wanted
someone to play with her. So I suggested she watch a show (30
minutes) while
she wait for dinner and she said, no that is too boring."

I'm confused Sherri.
You say you need to reinstate limits when she isn't even that
interested in it anyway? How are limits going to help?

I think the biggest shift right now is in how you see her. I get the
feeling that your embarrassment over how she's acted some of the
time (in front of family..am I right?) has caused you to see her
as "less than". You used words like obnoxious, rude etc....which
tells me a lot.
She knows you feel angst towards her. If her Mum doesn't see her as
perfect, whole and incredible at each moment, she IS going to react
badly. I know how frustrating it can be, believe me...I have a very
intense child that makes me want to run up the street screaming some
days. But I remember that whatever he is doing to make us nuts, is a
signal of some kind.
When a child is acting in ways that aren't appropriate, and coaching
isn't working, we need to remember that they truly WANT to please
the adults in their lives and try to figure the reasons behind the
behavior.

A Mom that is too tired to get up and fix food (even after saying
she's tired) isn't common for her probably! I would hope that
normally, a four year old changing their minds wouldn't be seen as
contrary, but normal four year old behavior. You're not normally
hugely pregnant...this is different for her, and NOT easy. Try to
understand that however hard the pregnancy is for you, it's harder
for her in many ways because she doesn't have maturity and
experience on her side. An extra dose of understanding for her
typical four year old behavior will go a long ways right now.

Try to watch the phrases you use when seeing her act up. Drop words
like "rude/obnoxious" etc... and see a child that is frustrated,
lost, unable to cope etc...
If she knows that she SHINES (to borrow AnneO's term) in your eyes,
it will help her cope. Her life is changing in big ways. Having a
Mum that's too tired to do a lot of things right now is hard on her.

This is a hard time for you too...but she's only little once. Keep
treading gently. Reinstating limits and punishment are not the
answers...that will only do more damage.

Ren

Lisa H

--- In [email protected], Sherri-Lee Pressman
<sherri--lee@s...> wrote:
I am sick of it and after a miserable day out with my mom and
sister who are visiting, >>

I don't know about you...but when i spend a day with my mom and/or sister
(both of whom i love dearly) my 6yo dd is "petulant, demanding, overbearing,
rude, mouthy, obnoxious, inpatient and 'challenging' to be around. My mom
and sis aren't accepting of the way i respond to my kids and as such i feel
a certain amount of self-consciousness when with them. I think of my dd as
really challenging me to stay true to her (or my own ideals) rather than
bend to the expectations of my mom and sis. btw...both mom and sis really
really really appreciate my older dd, now 11, who, in their opinion,was just
as "petulant, demanding, overbearing, rude, mouthy, obnoxious, inpatient and
'challenging' to be around when she was younger.

Lisa Heyman