Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
amflowers71
Hi everyone.
I've been browsing unschooling lists for a little while now and have
decided that I would like to start with making some changes in our
home. I would like to be up front and say that I don't, at present,
feel like I want to be going "all the way" with some of the RU
philosophy, but I do want to start improving the relationship between
me and my children, so I would very much like your help.
We have 2 boys, 2.5 yrs and nearly 8. There are quite some issues
with the dynamics between them both, and between them and me.
So after reading some, and thinking, I have noticed that I have
completely forgotten how to enjoy my older son's company. It's as
though I no longer know him. The connection is broken and I think
it's now a 2-way problem (ie he may feel that he has also lost his
connection with me). It wasn't always like this.
Which brings me to my first question. I am thinking that a good
starting point that might not be too overwhelming (ie less likely to
give up on it) would be to try to agree to do fun stuff that would
make DS1 happy. Maybe this would be a good way to improve our
relationship and open channels up again? What do you think?
I've been trying a bit but it hasn't turned out to be as easy as I
thought. An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him, I'm
trying to say yes so I say yes (no reason for a no except dishes in
the sink or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I
don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an excuse
and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
Anyway, I have given this a go for a short time and these are my
observations so far.
If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage to
change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving? Is
this helping build our relationship or am I wasting my efforts and
still at the starting blocks? Does he FEEL in his heart a warm yes or
is he still feeling an angry, hurt feeling from the original
no/telling off?
Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg to
playing things outside my comfort zone) I notice that he is now asking
for things even further outside my comfort zone. I feel like I have
made one step towards repairing our relationship and somehow he has
made one step back? Is this what's happening? What's going on here?
I don;t think I will last very long if the limits are continually
pushed back. I was hoping for a "happy medium", a bit of a stretch
for me and happiness for him.
I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards me
(which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any idea
why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want to open a
whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm just
going to make things worse than they are now.
Thanks for advices.
Amanda
I've been browsing unschooling lists for a little while now and have
decided that I would like to start with making some changes in our
home. I would like to be up front and say that I don't, at present,
feel like I want to be going "all the way" with some of the RU
philosophy, but I do want to start improving the relationship between
me and my children, so I would very much like your help.
We have 2 boys, 2.5 yrs and nearly 8. There are quite some issues
with the dynamics between them both, and between them and me.
So after reading some, and thinking, I have noticed that I have
completely forgotten how to enjoy my older son's company. It's as
though I no longer know him. The connection is broken and I think
it's now a 2-way problem (ie he may feel that he has also lost his
connection with me). It wasn't always like this.
Which brings me to my first question. I am thinking that a good
starting point that might not be too overwhelming (ie less likely to
give up on it) would be to try to agree to do fun stuff that would
make DS1 happy. Maybe this would be a good way to improve our
relationship and open channels up again? What do you think?
I've been trying a bit but it hasn't turned out to be as easy as I
thought. An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him, I'm
trying to say yes so I say yes (no reason for a no except dishes in
the sink or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I
don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an excuse
and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
Anyway, I have given this a go for a short time and these are my
observations so far.
If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage to
change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving? Is
this helping build our relationship or am I wasting my efforts and
still at the starting blocks? Does he FEEL in his heart a warm yes or
is he still feeling an angry, hurt feeling from the original
no/telling off?
Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg to
playing things outside my comfort zone) I notice that he is now asking
for things even further outside my comfort zone. I feel like I have
made one step towards repairing our relationship and somehow he has
made one step back? Is this what's happening? What's going on here?
I don;t think I will last very long if the limits are continually
pushed back. I was hoping for a "happy medium", a bit of a stretch
for me and happiness for him.
I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards me
(which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any idea
why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want to open a
whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm just
going to make things worse than they are now.
Thanks for advices.
Amanda
swissarmy_wife
--- In [email protected], "amflowers71"
<cattyaf71@...> wrote:
childhood I think. (That and I have a somewhat short attention span!)
It came with time, but for a long time I had to force myself through
many things. It did eventually become natural AND enjoyable. What
has helped me tremendously is to remember that my children need me
NOW. That they are only this age, RIGHT NOW. They don't have their
whole lives to wait for me to change. The more I changed my
perspective on their behaviors and their lives in general the more I
saw them for the people they are, and the more I enjoyed them and
their company.
a yes and remain angry? There's been many times where my initial
answer was no, and then I stopped stopped and said to myself, "what
the heck am i doing" and told my children yes instead. It's ok to
change your mind.
It sounds like he doesn't trust you. You need to rebuild that trust.
<cattyaf71@...> wrote:
> I've been trying a bit but it hasn't turned out to be as easy as IDon't try. Just say yes.
> thought. An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him, I'm
> trying to say yes so I say yes
>(no reason for a no except dishes in the sinkNot a good reason to say no. Dishes can wait.
>or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and II was like this for a long time. It actually stemmed from my own
> don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
> with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
> thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an
>excuse and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
childhood I think. (That and I have a somewhat short attention span!)
It came with time, but for a long time I had to force myself through
many things. It did eventually become natural AND enjoyable. What
has helped me tremendously is to remember that my children need me
NOW. That they are only this age, RIGHT NOW. They don't have their
whole lives to wait for me to change. The more I changed my
perspective on their behaviors and their lives in general the more I
saw them for the people they are, and the more I enjoyed them and
their company.
> If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage toI think they can be. Did you apologize? Did you change your mind to
> change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving?
a yes and remain angry? There's been many times where my initial
answer was no, and then I stopped stopped and said to myself, "what
the heck am i doing" and told my children yes instead. It's ok to
change your mind.
> Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg toWhat child's play is outside your comfort zone?
> playing things outside my comfort zone)
>I notice that he is now asking for things even further outside myhappening? What's going on here?
>comfort zone. I feel like I have made one step towards repairing our
>relationship and somehow he has made one step back? Is this what's
It sounds like he doesn't trust you. You need to rebuild that trust.
Pamela Sorooshian
When the "play" itself didn't interest me, my children still did.
I focused on learning more about how the child liked to play, how she
thought, how she reacted, how she expressed herself, etc.
Sometimes I'd get actually caught up in the play, but very often, no.
Amanda - you sound sort of grim. Are you happy?
If not, then is it because of how you, yourself, were parented?
You have a second chance at a great childhood. I don't mean you should
live vicariously through your children, but you get to experience
their childhood as you parent them, and YOU have significant control
over what kind of childhood THEY have. So, give your children the
childhood you wish you'd had and it will give you great joy and
healing, too.
Seriously, sometimes, when you're doing something kind for your child
(like playing something that doesn't appeal to you), think about it as
if you are doing it for the little girl inside yourself, nurturing her
and being sweet to her for no other reason than that she's worth it.
-pam
I focused on learning more about how the child liked to play, how she
thought, how she reacted, how she expressed herself, etc.
Sometimes I'd get actually caught up in the play, but very often, no.
Amanda - you sound sort of grim. Are you happy?
If not, then is it because of how you, yourself, were parented?
You have a second chance at a great childhood. I don't mean you should
live vicariously through your children, but you get to experience
their childhood as you parent them, and YOU have significant control
over what kind of childhood THEY have. So, give your children the
childhood you wish you'd had and it will give you great joy and
healing, too.
Seriously, sometimes, when you're doing something kind for your child
(like playing something that doesn't appeal to you), think about it as
if you are doing it for the little girl inside yourself, nurturing her
and being sweet to her for no other reason than that she's worth it.
-pam
> >or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> > don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
> > with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
> > thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an
> >excuse and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
>
> I was like this for a long time. It actually stemmed from my own
> childhood I think. (That and I have a somewhat short attention span!)
> It came with time, but for a long time I had to force myself through
> many things. It did eventually become natural AND enjoyable. What
> has helped me tremendously is to remember that my children need me
> NOW. That they are only this age, RIGHT NOW. They don't have their
> whole lives to wait for me to change. The more I changed my
> perspective on their behaviors and their lives in general the more I
> saw them for the people they are, and the more I enjoyed them and
> their company.
Judy R
I personally think that it's OK not to do things with your kids that you find boring...and i know the thing you are talking about where he wants more and more - I wonder that what he wants is an *authentic* experience with you; so when you aren't really able to be 100% with something, maybe he just keeps pushing hoping to get that or something- anyway, I don't think you should feel guilty about it, to start with -
I would say try to find *one* thing that you can truly enjoy together - could be very simple, a movie or a TV show or something - especially in this stage of things I think it's fine if you say "no" to things that you don't want to do - and just be straightforward about it, just so "no, I don't really enjoy that myself, but I'm glad you do" or something like that. For those things, what you might do instead is put that energy into helping him find someone else to play cricket with, a team or a friend - I do that, I will do all the driving and let them have sleepovers or whatever they want-
when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually) and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
Another thing you might try (and this is advice I got from an intensive workshop on living with ADHD children and especially around re-builing relationships with them that CHEO puts on) is to just do something, like if he is playing a video game, just go and sit and watch him for 5 minutes - don't ask questions, or anything just watch for 5 minutes or longer if you can stand it and then go away again. Try doing it a few times and then maybe try engaging, asking a question or whatever - if he rebuffs you, just go away again; but keep coming back until hopefully some communication will develop - just don't push it - and if that doesn't work try something else - watch him play cricket with a friend or a team, or watch cricket on TV, or get a documentary on it or watch some cricket on U-Tube; find *some way* that you can connect that you don't find boring - I actually think it's important at first to stay in your comfort zone because they can feel that lack of interest - you just can't fake it, so don't! And don't feel guilty about it! You are on the right track, you guys will get there! Judy R
I would say try to find *one* thing that you can truly enjoy together - could be very simple, a movie or a TV show or something - especially in this stage of things I think it's fine if you say "no" to things that you don't want to do - and just be straightforward about it, just so "no, I don't really enjoy that myself, but I'm glad you do" or something like that. For those things, what you might do instead is put that energy into helping him find someone else to play cricket with, a team or a friend - I do that, I will do all the driving and let them have sleepovers or whatever they want-
when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually) and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
Another thing you might try (and this is advice I got from an intensive workshop on living with ADHD children and especially around re-builing relationships with them that CHEO puts on) is to just do something, like if he is playing a video game, just go and sit and watch him for 5 minutes - don't ask questions, or anything just watch for 5 minutes or longer if you can stand it and then go away again. Try doing it a few times and then maybe try engaging, asking a question or whatever - if he rebuffs you, just go away again; but keep coming back until hopefully some communication will develop - just don't push it - and if that doesn't work try something else - watch him play cricket with a friend or a team, or watch cricket on TV, or get a documentary on it or watch some cricket on U-Tube; find *some way* that you can connect that you don't find boring - I actually think it's important at first to stay in your comfort zone because they can feel that lack of interest - you just can't fake it, so don't! And don't feel guilty about it! You are on the right track, you guys will get there! Judy R
----- Original Message -----
From: amflowers71
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, June 13, 2008 5:33 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
Hi everyone.
I've been browsing unschooling lists for a little while now and have
decided that I would like to start with making some changes in our
home. I would like to be up front and say that I don't, at present,
feel like I want to be going "all the way" with some of the RU
philosophy, but I do want to start improving the relationship between
me and my children, so I would very much like your help.
We have 2 boys, 2.5 yrs and nearly 8. There are quite some issues
with the dynamics between them both, and between them and me.
So after reading some, and thinking, I have noticed that I have
completely forgotten how to enjoy my older son's company. It's as
though I no longer know him. The connection is broken and I think
it's now a 2-way problem (ie he may feel that he has also lost his
connection with me). It wasn't always like this.
Which brings me to my first question. I am thinking that a good
starting point that might not be too overwhelming (ie less likely to
give up on it) would be to try to agree to do fun stuff that would
make DS1 happy. Maybe this would be a good way to improve our
relationship and open channels up again? What do you think?
I've been trying a bit but it hasn't turned out to be as easy as I
thought. An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him, I'm
trying to say yes so I say yes (no reason for a no except dishes in
the sink or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I
don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an excuse
and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
Anyway, I have given this a go for a short time and these are my
observations so far.
If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage to
change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving? Is
this helping build our relationship or am I wasting my efforts and
still at the starting blocks? Does he FEEL in his heart a warm yes or
is he still feeling an angry, hurt feeling from the original
no/telling off?
Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg to
playing things outside my comfort zone) I notice that he is now asking
for things even further outside my comfort zone. I feel like I have
made one step towards repairing our relationship and somehow he has
made one step back? Is this what's happening? What's going on here?
I don;t think I will last very long if the limits are continually
pushed back. I was hoping for a "happy medium", a bit of a stretch
for me and happiness for him.
I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards me
(which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any idea
why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want to open a
whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm just
going to make things worse than they are now.
Thanks for advices.
Amanda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually) and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I never liked video games. I always said that but when my ds got his first Nintendo DS system and he was only 4 yo I had to help and play with him.
You know what?
Video Games can be a lot of fun! They can be really cool.
I now own and Nintendo DS where I play my Sudoko every night. I also love Super Paper Mario and Mario Galaxy for the Wii.
It is a great way to connect with my child. Why not try different things with an open heart and mind just because you love your child?
OF course if all fails you can find ways to still share and support their interest.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I never liked video games. I always said that but when my ds got his first Nintendo DS system and he was only 4 yo I had to help and play with him.
You know what?
Video Games can be a lot of fun! They can be really cool.
I now own and Nintendo DS where I play my Sudoko every night. I also love Super Paper Mario and Mario Galaxy for the Wii.
It is a great way to connect with my child. Why not try different things with an open heart and mind just because you love your child?
OF course if all fails you can find ways to still share and support their interest.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen
--- In [email protected], "amflowers71"
<cattyaf71@...> wrote:
a positive change. Change isn't always easy. Whenever I start to
try something new, I get really frustrated when it doesn't go as I
expected. It is like I am trying so hard to do something positive
here, and everyone seems even more unhappy. I try to remember that I
am changing for a reason, and in the past if I keep trying the
positive change works in the long run, though not always in the
moment.
I will admit there are things I don't want to play with my kids, and
I feel like I might scream if I have to spend one more minute doing
it. I limit how often I play these things, and look for things we
all enjoy like reading, board games, coloring, building legos, etc.
Frequently, I will just sit and watch my kids play then interact
with them as they notice me watching and talk to me. It seems a bit
easier when I am an observer first before the interaction. I guess
maybe because there are no expectations of me, it makes it easier for
me to get in a playful mood.
Keep trying, and you all will find something that works for you!
Karen
<cattyaf71@...> wrote:
>idea
>
> I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards me
> (which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
> seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any
> why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want toopen a
> whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm justFirst of all, You are doing something right because you want to make
> going to make things worse than they are now.
>
> Thanks for advices.
>
> Amanda
>
a positive change. Change isn't always easy. Whenever I start to
try something new, I get really frustrated when it doesn't go as I
expected. It is like I am trying so hard to do something positive
here, and everyone seems even more unhappy. I try to remember that I
am changing for a reason, and in the past if I keep trying the
positive change works in the long run, though not always in the
moment.
I will admit there are things I don't want to play with my kids, and
I feel like I might scream if I have to spend one more minute doing
it. I limit how often I play these things, and look for things we
all enjoy like reading, board games, coloring, building legos, etc.
Frequently, I will just sit and watch my kids play then interact
with them as they notice me watching and talk to me. It seems a bit
easier when I am an observer first before the interaction. I guess
maybe because there are no expectations of me, it makes it easier for
me to get in a playful mood.
Keep trying, and you all will find something that works for you!
Karen
amflowers71
> Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg toWhat child's play is outside your comfort zone?
> playing things outside my comfort zone)
Sorry, I didn't explain that very well, I mean playing/doing things
that it feels very hard to say yes to for whatever reason.
Eg going to the park (quite a walk away) if I am feeling exhausted and
want to stay home. Another Eg on same topic, agreeing to go to the
park and getting a few hundred yards down the road then DS REALLY
wanting to go back for something, saying yes so he goes and gets it,
then when we've walked on again he forgot something else and is REALLY
upset and wants to go back for that. It was SO hard to say yes to
these things, maybe I would have said no before, can't remember?
My yeses made him happy. I enjoyed the children's company on the
walk, rather than just seeing it as a chore that was a means to an end
(getting to the park) - which is how it usually looks to me.
swissarmy_wife
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
places we go, are boring to them.
It is less about my enjoyment of the activity, and more about the
enjoyment of my children. It takes a little perspective change.
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)
your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
>I'm sure many of the things that the children do with me, especially
>
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
places we go, are boring to them.
It is less about my enjoyment of the activity, and more about the
enjoyment of my children. It takes a little perspective change.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 13, 2008, at 10:45 PM, Judy R wrote:
already. If they know that your usual answer is yes, if they know
you've tried to like something, but come to the point of "You know
guys, this is something that's really difficult for me. I'll do
anything else! But this one thing just isn't fun for me."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)This is more likely to work when they feel full of mom's time
> and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are
> on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
already. If they know that your usual answer is yes, if they know
you've tried to like something, but come to the point of "You know
guys, this is something that's really difficult for me. I'll do
anything else! But this one thing just isn't fun for me."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
> Which brings me to my first question. I am thinking that a goodOne of the best ways to get someone to want to be with you is to do things that engage them. Absolutely.
> starting point that might not be too overwhelming (ie less likely to
> give up on it) would be to try to agree to do fun stuff that would
> make DS1 happy. Maybe this would be a good way to improve our
> relationship and open channels up again? What do you think?
>Fantastic! He is trying to connect with you. See that first. Relish that.
> I've been trying a bit but it hasn't turned out to be as easy as I
> thought. An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him,
You wrote: "I have noticed that I have
completely forgotten how to enjoy my older son's company. It's as
though I no longer know him. The connection is broken and I think
it's now a 2-way problem (ie he may feel that he has also lost his
connection with me)."
But if he's trying to get you to come outside and bowl a few for him, that is so cool. Really appreciate that for what it is in the context of you feeling a widening gap between the two of you. I have only played cricket once. And it wasn't really cricket, just hanging at my in-laws and hitting a few balls. We ended up with the ball in the neighbors back garden and had to walk around the longest block in Hayward's Heath to get it back. But it was so much fun and there was a lot of laughing. The laughing was really important.
>I'mYes. I still have this sometimes. I still feel like my day is filled with "must dos" and that playing with a child is not necessarily a "must do". As I write that I don't know that I am being honest. I don't feel like that very often. But I know what it feels like. Linnaea will call me upstairs to hang out with her as she wakes up and I'll realize that I've spent all the morning not eating as I'm walking up the stairs. And my stomach will become this unfed pit that must be subdued and it will grow in importance and the joy of sitting with Linnaea and talking about her dreams of the night before and her desires for the day will shrink. And I will finally end the moment of sitting and chatting and preparing her to wake with the excuse of being ravenous and go downstairs to get a bowl of offbrand rice krispies. In my head, when this happens, there is a whole discussion going on about the importance of being with her, being in this moment, being present,
> trying to say yes so I say yes (no reason for a no except dishes in
> the sink or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I
> don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
> with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
> thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an excuse
> and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
being mindful, versus how blasted hungry I am. It helps if I remember to eat earlier than she wakes. It helps if I listen to the voice that talks about the greater good of hanging out with my 8 year old who enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy than the bowl of cereal that I can put off for another 20 minutes until her bladder requires that she make a move to start her day outside of bed.
The trick to lasting longer is to appreciate the smaller things going on when you are with your son. Appreciate his laugh, his smile, his stance as he bowls or hits. Does he have a ritual when he takes the bat? Does he touch the wicket with his bat or tap his shoes? What is his hair like? Is it short and shorn, or does the wind play with it? Quiet the sense of pressure to get something else done. It's kind of like meditation when you can figure out how to enjoy just being with your son. And there will be voices pressing you to go and do and be somewhere else. Voices saying there are chores, there are dishes, there is food, there are e-mails, there is a younger child... But you need to let his presence, his enjoyment of you be louder than the lure of other things.
>How long is a short time? A week? A couple of days? A month? Your mileage will vary the longer you give it a go.
> Anyway, I have given this a go for a short time and these are my
> observations so far.
>If I am reticent to do something it does taint my change of mind for Linnaea, particularly. For Simon too, but Linnaea is more sensitive to me dragging my feet. Simon is more forgiving. More willing to give me the benefit of the doubt. If you've yelled and berated than that is a hard thing to overcome. Try and breathe before responding. Try and be who you want him to be. Calmer, right? More willing to listen to you, right? I imagine that you are yelling and berating because you feel bad about saying no, because you feel like you "should" be saying yes and you are letting your frustration with wanting to stretch and grow spill over onto his requests for your attention and engagement. When he asks you to do something try and remember that his childhood is finite. He's almost 8 now, in 8 years he'll be 15 almost 16. It isn't alot of time. Simon, my son, is 11. I figure every day I have a child who wants me with him is a gift. And figuring that, thinking
> If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage to
> change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving? Is
> this helping build our relationship or am I wasting my efforts and
> still at the starting blocks? Does he FEEL in his heart a warm yes or
> is he still feeling an angry, hurt feeling from the original
> no/telling off?
about that, helps me to respond to him in ways that I hope will help him to want to be with me tomorrow as well. When he asks you to do something remember that not all children make it to growing up. I have with me, just 3 feet away, ashes of an unschooled little girl who I never got to meet. Her momma was Linnaea's fairy god-mother at the Life is Good conference in Vancouver, Washington a month ago. Having Hannah in my mind, in my heart, helps me to quiet a lot of frustrations.
>Remember, again, how you started on this path with the desire to enjoy being with your son again. Hold on to that desire. You didn't come here to figure out how to sate his needs quickly so that you could get more done in the house, right? You came to unschooling, or at least the bits that you are comfortable with incorporating right now, with the desire to enjoy your son more. This is your boy. This is your baby who you held and gazed upon with more love than you knew the universe contained. I bet he pushed at your comfort zone in his infancy. I bet he pushed at your comfort zone as he moved to toddling and than to being a young boy. Stretch yourself. And hold on tight to the desire that guided you here, that dream of enjoying being with your son.
> Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg to
> playing things outside my comfort zone) I notice that he is now asking
> for things even further outside my comfort zone. I feel like I have
> made one step towards repairing our relationship and somehow he has
> made one step back? Is this what's happening? What's going on here?
Take steps before he does. That helps enormously. Find things that feed into his interests. Find cricket stuff if that is what he loves. Watch matches with him. I don't know where you live, but in the UK it probably wouldn't be that hard for me to get Simon or Linnaea to a match somewhere. Get other things that he enjoys, or that are similar that you would also enjoy. Don't be the reactor all the time, be the actor. Be the initiator. With that in mind be prepared for him to say no. And if it hurts, and sometimes it does, breathe and remember that it must hurt him equally when you say no.
> I don;t think I will last very long if the limits are continuallyYour limits won't continually be pushed back. But it is a new thing and it must be so exciting to get to play with you, to have you responding positively to his desires. That is wonderful! That is fantastic! Even if it feels trying and hard and more than you signed up for. Try and see it in as positive a light as you can. Try and see it as an encouraging sign that he is wanting to have you come and do with him, and no longer him not wanting your company and your engagement. Again remember that he is only almost 8 until he turns 8 and he will forever be growing and changing and aging and moving toward that day, that point, when you are no longer the person who he most wishes to come out and play with him. See it as a gift. This moment, this child and you.
> pushed back. I was hoping for a "happy medium", a bit of a stretch
> for me and happiness for him.
>Can you be more specific? Without specifics, you are talking about yelling and berating when you are frustrated, it is probably not much of a surprise that your son would do the same. Healing a relationship is not the act of a few yesses. It takes time and trust and maybe he doesn't trust your acts of giving. If you stop and return to your previous status quo, however, it may make the can of worms bigger. His hope and joy will be burst by your backtracking. If he is asking you to stretch, to reach out more to him, that means he is hoping for the stars, and maybe before all he could allow himself to dream about was the moon.
> I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards me
> (which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
> seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any idea
> why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want to open a
> whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm just
> going to make things worse than they are now.
It is hard work. Unschooling is hard work. But it achieves the most amazing of relationships and the feedback is often more than you could have ever imagined.
Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Jun 13, 2008, at 5:33 PM, amflowers71 wrote:
you feel "I'd rather be chewing glass" when he asks you to play
cricket, doesn't mean you're stuck with those feelings. It takes work
to change your thinking. Always give yourself two choices and choose
the one that moves you closer to your goal. The more you choose the
better one, the easier they'll get and the easier it will be to make
even better choices.
Things that can help you want to make better choices are giving him
spontaneous hugs (not with the expectation of him responding! It's
not a gift if you expect something in return!), really look at him
when he's happy and lose yourself in the fact that you have the
ability to give that to him. (Again, don't expect him to appreciate
it just yet! At the moment he's empty and it's going to need a lot of
instances of joy until he's feeling full. He can't return when he's
feeling empty.)
It will take focus on your goal and work to get there! People don't
get to the top of the mountain by trying. They only get there by
doing until they succeed.
Maybe it will help you get into the right frame of mind to picture it
this way. Your husband has gotten out of the habit of spending time
with you. He decides to change. Now when you ask him to spend some
time with you he'll say yes but you can feel that he wants to say no.
And sometimes he does say no when he chooses something he likes
better or if he just doesn't feel like it. And when he does say yes,
after 5 minutes you can feel the boredom radiating off of him. If he
wants to reconnect to you, he needs to make it top priority.
Your son doesn't understand that dishes tend to pile up if they're
not kept on top of, so what he sees is you choosing to do something
you like better than spending time with him.
Since you've said no so much, you will get where you want to go a lot
faster (reconnecting), if you don't say no. You've basically used up
your quota of nos for quite a while! To get him to the point where he
feels full, he needs to feel you're working hard to meet his needs,
not trying to reluctantly squeeze him into things you'd rather be doing.
If someone you thought was truthful is discovered in a lie, how many
truths do they need to tell until you stop wondering if they're
lying? Trust is way easier to break than to build up. :-/ To build up
his trust that you want his days to be joyful, you need to work
harder than someone who is starting from scratch. You'll need to set
aside what you want for a while until he feels confidence in you again.
One thing you can try is always say "Yes!" though it doesn't need to
be an immediate yes. "Yes, I'd love to. Would you mind helping me
with the dishes so they don't pile up on me?" or "Yes! Would you mind
keeping me company for 10 minutes while I finish the dishes? I can
tell you stories of when you were a baby." "Yes, I'm a little tired
right now. How about after lunch?" (If you put him off, you must must
must follow through! If he knows "later" means "only if you remember
to remind me which I hope you don't" it will feel even worse than no.
It will feel like a no disguised as a yes.
will take a lot of yeses until he trusts that you want to be with him.
A drop in the bucket looks like a waste. But you need each of those
drops if you want to fill the bucket.
There are probably several things going on. You've changed the
"rules" so to speak. His world isn't working quite the way it was and
he's testing it out the new rules. He's trying to figure out what
happens when he does x. It's the same thing kids do when they have a
new video game with a new set of rules. The basic order of operation
is: "What happens when I do this?" And that's how they learn about
the world. (It's how it works in real life too.)
He's also been so far out of *his* comfort zone. He's trying to move
closer to it. Unfortunately you don't get brownie points for going
part way! You've built up a feeling that "Mom will meet very few of
my needs" (that is the things that are important *to him* not the
things you think he should have like meals and such) to "Mom will
arbitrarily meet a few needs". He can't trust you until he feels "Mom
works hard to meet all my needs."
That last one gets misinterpreted lots! Confidence that you'll meet
his needs doesn't mean you tie yourself into knots to do everything
he asks immediately. It means you take his requests seriously and put
energy into finding a solution.
be a preteen and then a teen and then he will choose not to be with
you. And choose resentfully. You'll have the relationship with him
that most people have with teens: sullen, discourteous, angry, lots
of eye rolling.
Right now you have a hill to climb -- that feels like a mountain! In
a very few short years it's going to really be a mountain. Right now
he wants to reconnect. In a few years he won't and it will be really
really hard to get to a point where he wants to.
The good news is that you *can* reconnect right now. It will take
work and dedication. But isn't your son worth it?
she wants 10!" how would that feel? How would it affect your
relationship? Would it feel like he really want to connect? Or would
it feel like going through the motions, hoping that a gesture was as
good as really meaning it?
be determined to get past it!
Quite often when kids are at their worst is when they need the most
love. It will be hard but give him a hug and tell him you love him! :-)
Don't look at the "set backs". He's not going backwards. He's
releasing what he had buried in there. Look at the positive steps
only. Look at those as triumphs. Each of those is a step forward.
Everything else is just the thorns that had been hidden on the path.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> An example, he will ask me to play cricket with him, I'mIt will help to not feel like a slave to your emotions. Just because
> trying to say yes so I say yes (no reason for a no except dishes in
> the sink or I just don't want to, before I would have said no and I
> don't know why, in fact would almost prefer to do anything than play
> with him - which is a real shame). But almost immediately I am
> thinking how to stop playing and after say 5 mins max I make an excuse
> and leave him. Can you help me get past this?
you feel "I'd rather be chewing glass" when he asks you to play
cricket, doesn't mean you're stuck with those feelings. It takes work
to change your thinking. Always give yourself two choices and choose
the one that moves you closer to your goal. The more you choose the
better one, the easier they'll get and the easier it will be to make
even better choices.
Things that can help you want to make better choices are giving him
spontaneous hugs (not with the expectation of him responding! It's
not a gift if you expect something in return!), really look at him
when he's happy and lose yourself in the fact that you have the
ability to give that to him. (Again, don't expect him to appreciate
it just yet! At the moment he's empty and it's going to need a lot of
instances of joy until he's feeling full. He can't return when he's
feeling empty.)
It will take focus on your goal and work to get there! People don't
get to the top of the mountain by trying. They only get there by
doing until they succeed.
Maybe it will help you get into the right frame of mind to picture it
this way. Your husband has gotten out of the habit of spending time
with you. He decides to change. Now when you ask him to spend some
time with you he'll say yes but you can feel that he wants to say no.
And sometimes he does say no when he chooses something he likes
better or if he just doesn't feel like it. And when he does say yes,
after 5 minutes you can feel the boredom radiating off of him. If he
wants to reconnect to you, he needs to make it top priority.
Your son doesn't understand that dishes tend to pile up if they're
not kept on top of, so what he sees is you choosing to do something
you like better than spending time with him.
Since you've said no so much, you will get where you want to go a lot
faster (reconnecting), if you don't say no. You've basically used up
your quota of nos for quite a while! To get him to the point where he
feels full, he needs to feel you're working hard to meet his needs,
not trying to reluctantly squeeze him into things you'd rather be doing.
If someone you thought was truthful is discovered in a lie, how many
truths do they need to tell until you stop wondering if they're
lying? Trust is way easier to break than to build up. :-/ To build up
his trust that you want his days to be joyful, you need to work
harder than someone who is starting from scratch. You'll need to set
aside what you want for a while until he feels confidence in you again.
One thing you can try is always say "Yes!" though it doesn't need to
be an immediate yes. "Yes, I'd love to. Would you mind helping me
with the dishes so they don't pile up on me?" or "Yes! Would you mind
keeping me company for 10 minutes while I finish the dishes? I can
tell you stories of when you were a baby." "Yes, I'm a little tired
right now. How about after lunch?" (If you put him off, you must must
must follow through! If he knows "later" means "only if you remember
to remind me which I hope you don't" it will feel even worse than no.
It will feel like a no disguised as a yes.
> If I firstly say no (and maybe yell, berate etc), then manage toIt's not a waste, but I suspect he doesn't yet feel a warm yes. It
> change to a yes let's do it and we do, are children so forgiving? Is
> this helping build our relationship or am I wasting my efforts and
> still at the starting blocks? Does he FEEL in his heart a warm yes or
> is he still feeling an angry, hurt feeling from the original
> no/telling off?
will take a lot of yeses until he trusts that you want to be with him.
A drop in the bucket looks like a waste. But you need each of those
drops if you want to fill the bucket.
> Also, since trying to be more fun with him and saying yes (eg toThe transition period is often the hardest!
> playing things outside my comfort zone) I notice that he is now asking
> for things even further outside my comfort zone.
There are probably several things going on. You've changed the
"rules" so to speak. His world isn't working quite the way it was and
he's testing it out the new rules. He's trying to figure out what
happens when he does x. It's the same thing kids do when they have a
new video game with a new set of rules. The basic order of operation
is: "What happens when I do this?" And that's how they learn about
the world. (It's how it works in real life too.)
He's also been so far out of *his* comfort zone. He's trying to move
closer to it. Unfortunately you don't get brownie points for going
part way! You've built up a feeling that "Mom will meet very few of
my needs" (that is the things that are important *to him* not the
things you think he should have like meals and such) to "Mom will
arbitrarily meet a few needs". He can't trust you until he feels "Mom
works hard to meet all my needs."
That last one gets misinterpreted lots! Confidence that you'll meet
his needs doesn't mean you tie yourself into knots to do everything
he asks immediately. It means you take his requests seriously and put
energy into finding a solution.
> I don;t think I will last very long if the limits are continuallyWhat other choice do you have? If you don't reach out, he's going to
> pushed back.
be a preteen and then a teen and then he will choose not to be with
you. And choose resentfully. You'll have the relationship with him
that most people have with teens: sullen, discourteous, angry, lots
of eye rolling.
Right now you have a hill to climb -- that feels like a mountain! In
a very few short years it's going to really be a mountain. Right now
he wants to reconnect. In a few years he won't and it will be really
really hard to get to a point where he wants to.
The good news is that you *can* reconnect right now. It will take
work and dedication. But isn't your son worth it?
> I was hoping for a "happy medium", a bit of a stretchAnd if your husband said "Well, I gave her 5 minutes of my time, now
> for me and happiness for him.
she wants 10!" how would that feel? How would it affect your
relationship? Would it feel like he really want to connect? Or would
it feel like going through the motions, hoping that a gesture was as
good as really meaning it?
> I have also seen that since trying this out his demeanor towards meI'm sure there's a lot of resentment built up. And you will need to
> (which wasn't good anyway but most probably stems from parenting)
> seems to have worsened - like a bad attitude. Would you have any idea
> why this might be? It's kind of disheartening, I don't want to open a
> whole can of worms that will be really hard work for me if I'm just
> going to make things worse than they are now.
be determined to get past it!
Quite often when kids are at their worst is when they need the most
love. It will be hard but give him a hug and tell him you love him! :-)
Don't look at the "set backs". He's not going backwards. He's
releasing what he had buried in there. Look at the positive steps
only. Look at those as triumphs. Each of those is a step forward.
Everything else is just the thorns that had been hidden on the path.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Beth Fleming
I agree, Joyce. My kids (all 4 of them now!) are talkers.....they are very verbal! My two olders have been busy making up a new fantasy game (sort of a story with game aspects, assimilating lots of stuff they have been doing lately). Yesterday, they were both talking about it and telling me about the new developments. I was getting lunch for them, packing for our camping trip and focused on getting to work on time, after getting the little ones in for a nap. I said, "Guys, I love this story that you're creating together, but I don't feel focused enough now to take it all in. Is there another time that you can tell me about it?" Because I usually drop everthing to get the updates, they were very understanding. My daughter said, "Sure, Mom...you've got a lot to do. We can talk to each other." My experience has shown me over and over again that kids understand, if they've had their cup filled respectfully before.
Beth in MA
----- Original Message ----
From: Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2008 5:38:29 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
On Jun 13, 2008, at 10:45 PM, Judy R wrote:
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)
> and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are
> on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
This is more likely to work when they feel full of mom's time
already. If they know that your usual answer is yes, if they know
you've tried to like something, but come to the point of "You know
guys, this is something that's really difficult for me. I'll do
anything else! But this one thing just isn't fun for me."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Judy R
Yes, I get that, for instance I have enjoyed reading teen books that my girls want me to read, which I resisted at first...I just think that in the particular case that is being discussed here, where there is a lot of emnity between the mom and the son that even finding *one* thing that she genuinely enjoys with him is a better starting place. I agree that we try to stretch those, that's how we continue to grow, but maybe while they are trying to reconnect it might be better to stick initially to things that she doesn't need to sort of fake an interest in, until their trust is re-established? jr
----- Original Message -----
From: BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2008 12:39 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually) and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I never liked video games. I always said that but when my ds got his first Nintendo DS system and he was only 4 yo I had to help and play with him.
You know what?
Video Games can be a lot of fun! They can be really cool.
I now own and Nintendo DS where I play my Sudoko every night. I also love Super Paper Mario and Mario Galaxy for the Wii.
It is a great way to connect with my child. Why not try different things with an open heart and mind just because you love your child?
OF course if all fails you can find ways to still share and support their interest.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Judy R
I'm not saying they shouldn't be allowed to do computer games because *I* find them boring - just that I have limited patience with them (computer games, that is) and I let the girls know that - if they got reaaly *really* stuck, I would help them, but it was interesting how much they could actually do without me, and without that almost *automatic* thing of asking me for help the *second* they got stuck on something....
Anyway, in the context of the post I was answering, I was thinking more that in the beginning of this mom and son rebuilding thier relationship that it's perhaps OK for her to concentrate on finding even *one* thing that she genuinely enjoys and use that as their starting place; and not to feel guilty about it being difficult to connect with him over things that she is having to struggle with - that's asking a lot in the initial stages - that change in perspective can take some time and it sounds to me like maybe they could start reconnecting right away over something simpler if she wasn't also struggling with that at the same time.
And I'm also not saying that I *never* do anything with my girls that I intially found boring - I do, of course...but it can be a bit of an interrnal struggle to come to that place where you can overcome that intial resistance to things and make that shift in perspective, and maybe in this early stage of what they are going through it is OK to not push herself too hard - and part of my point was that she needn't feel guilty about it, as that will just make her more anxious.
Anyway, in the context of the post I was answering, I was thinking more that in the beginning of this mom and son rebuilding thier relationship that it's perhaps OK for her to concentrate on finding even *one* thing that she genuinely enjoys and use that as their starting place; and not to feel guilty about it being difficult to connect with him over things that she is having to struggle with - that's asking a lot in the initial stages - that change in perspective can take some time and it sounds to me like maybe they could start reconnecting right away over something simpler if she wasn't also struggling with that at the same time.
And I'm also not saying that I *never* do anything with my girls that I intially found boring - I do, of course...but it can be a bit of an interrnal struggle to come to that place where you can overcome that intial resistance to things and make that shift in perspective, and maybe in this early stage of what they are going through it is OK to not push herself too hard - and part of my point was that she needn't feel guilty about it, as that will just make her more anxious.
----- Original Message -----
From: swissarmy_wife
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2008 5:23 AM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)
and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on
your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
>
>
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I'm sure many of the things that the children do with me, especially
places we go, are boring to them.
It is less about my enjoyment of the activity, and more about the
enjoyment of my children. It takes a little perspective change.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Judy R
thanks Joyce, that is definely where I was coming from....
----- Original Message -----
From: Joyce Fetteroll
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2008 5:38 AM
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] Intro & Question about connecting and saying yes
On Jun 13, 2008, at 10:45 PM, Judy R wrote:
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)
> and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are
> on your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
This is more likely to work when they feel full of mom's time
already. If they know that your usual answer is yes, if they know
you've tried to like something, but come to the point of "You know
guys, this is something that's really difficult for me. I'll do
anything else! But this one thing just isn't fun for me."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
just to clarify I was not the one who said that below. I am the mom who now loves video games and I do play with my kids with anything they want to.<BWG>
Alex P
swissarmy_wife <heatherbean@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
places we go, are boring to them.
It is less about my enjoyment of the activity, and more about the
enjoyment of my children. It takes a little perspective change.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex P
swissarmy_wife <heatherbean@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
<polykowholsteins@...> wrote:
>and I just wouldn't do them with them - I just said " you guys are on
> when they were little I *hated* computer games (still do, actually)
your own with this" and they were (eventually) fine with that.
>I'm sure many of the things that the children do with me, especially
>
>
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
places we go, are boring to them.
It is less about my enjoyment of the activity, and more about the
enjoyment of my children. It takes a little perspective change.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kellynrachel
Amanda -
It seems to me that you are somewhere along the same journey as all
people go through in finding what suits you. What is YOUR authentic
self. I have spent many months reading stacks of self-help books and
trying to find the peace within myself. It is still a daily task for
me to get in tune with myself and see if I am really following my
heart and in touch with my true intentions or whether I have defaulted
to the way I was raised.
In my quest to identify my own needs, I spent much time leaving the
children to their own devices to explore our world. I didn't realize
it at the time, but the children were transitioning from schooling at
home to unschooling while I was shedding my baggage. It's not an easy
journey. There is no first answer that is right. It is a continual
journey. It is one that has made me a more peaceful and content being.
Here are a few ways that I began to look at the relationship with my
kids (which has always been reasonably good, but I was the puppeteer
in the process rather than allowing them to be free).
1. If I treated my husband the way I treated my kids, how would he
react? Why would his rebellion or resentment as an adult be any less
valid than a child's reaction? How would you react if your husband
talked to you the way that you speak to your child when you're angry?
2. If I manipulate their days with my ideas of what they should be
doing, when do they get an opportunity to learn what they are
interested in? I think it's great to offer ideas and include them in
my interests, but the need to find their own way eventually. Why not
let them seek out their own way now while they have support and
guidance and your attention?
3. Is it possible that your child's behaviors and reactions are
mirroring your own behavior or attitudes?
Step back and observe your world from his point of view and see if you
experience it the way that he does. This may help you understand
where he's coming from.
Take your time. This will not change overnight. You seemed concerned
that he was becoming more and more demanding. Yes. They do. He
wants to know how much of yourself you are willing to give to him. He
is testing the limits. It is worth your while to allow him to test to
see the limitless nature of your affection. Try to push aside the
non-essentials for a few weeks and see what happens when he begins to
see that you truly enjoy saying yes to his requests. Don't expect
miracles tonight, but they will happen (perhaps overnight, just not
the first night).
Good luck in your journey.
Rachel
It seems to me that you are somewhere along the same journey as all
people go through in finding what suits you. What is YOUR authentic
self. I have spent many months reading stacks of self-help books and
trying to find the peace within myself. It is still a daily task for
me to get in tune with myself and see if I am really following my
heart and in touch with my true intentions or whether I have defaulted
to the way I was raised.
In my quest to identify my own needs, I spent much time leaving the
children to their own devices to explore our world. I didn't realize
it at the time, but the children were transitioning from schooling at
home to unschooling while I was shedding my baggage. It's not an easy
journey. There is no first answer that is right. It is a continual
journey. It is one that has made me a more peaceful and content being.
Here are a few ways that I began to look at the relationship with my
kids (which has always been reasonably good, but I was the puppeteer
in the process rather than allowing them to be free).
1. If I treated my husband the way I treated my kids, how would he
react? Why would his rebellion or resentment as an adult be any less
valid than a child's reaction? How would you react if your husband
talked to you the way that you speak to your child when you're angry?
2. If I manipulate their days with my ideas of what they should be
doing, when do they get an opportunity to learn what they are
interested in? I think it's great to offer ideas and include them in
my interests, but the need to find their own way eventually. Why not
let them seek out their own way now while they have support and
guidance and your attention?
3. Is it possible that your child's behaviors and reactions are
mirroring your own behavior or attitudes?
Step back and observe your world from his point of view and see if you
experience it the way that he does. This may help you understand
where he's coming from.
Take your time. This will not change overnight. You seemed concerned
that he was becoming more and more demanding. Yes. They do. He
wants to know how much of yourself you are willing to give to him. He
is testing the limits. It is worth your while to allow him to test to
see the limitless nature of your affection. Try to push aside the
non-essentials for a few weeks and see what happens when he begins to
see that you truly enjoy saying yes to his requests. Don't expect
miracles tonight, but they will happen (perhaps overnight, just not
the first night).
Good luck in your journey.
Rachel