kbb1109

How do you handle differences of opinion with family members? To
make a long story short...my son hit my sister w/a wiffle ball bat.
He was trying to hit walnuts at their new car. The incident occured
while she was babysitting. She went over to him to take the bat and
he hit her. During that time my mom had stopped by as well as my
other sister. There was alot of activity and Ethan enjoys an
audience. He is very high energy and easily overstimulated. (I am
not making excuses for him...although that is what my sister thinks)

I told my sister that we had been using bats and tennis rackets to
hit the walnuts into the woods the week before. I spoke to Ethan the
next day about what the bat is for and that hitting someone is not
okay. I apologized to my sister. Today I got an email and she just
had to get "some things" off her chest. She said that the behavior
was inexcusable and she expects respect for herself and her property.
She doesnt agree w/our "discipline" and thinks he should know
better. She feels he is crying out for more structure and a more
punitive discipline style. I tried in vain to explain our position
which is gentle discipline/attachment parenting (i didnt use those
words because I would have totally lost her).

Please help with any advice or similar situations. I am really
feeling bad about how this is affecting our relationship as well as
her relationship w/my children.

Karen

Danielle Conger

He is very high energy and easily overstimulated. (I am
not making excuses for him...although that is what my sister thinks)
***
She feels he is crying out for more structure and a more
punitive discipline style. I tried in vain to explain our position
which is gentle discipline/attachment parenting (i didnt use those
words because I would have totally lost her).
==========================

I'm not clear how old Ethan is; my Sam is 4. I can tell you that with my
guy a more structured/punitive style of parenting would not work--it
would, in fact, escalate the issues. Have you read _The Explosive Child_
by Ross Greene? It'll really back you up in what you *know* in you
heart. Greene is a PhD, psychologist--use that with your sister. Maybe
the credentialed expert will help back you up and make your point.

What helps with my guy is loving limits and as much freedom as possible.
When he starts raging (not what Ethan was doing, I know) or becomes
destructive, I often have to physically remove him from the situation
because he DOES need to know that hitting and destroying isn't
acceptable--your sister's right about that much. Sam protests, and I
often bear the brunt of that. But as he gets older, it is getting
better. I take him into the bedroom, lay down on the bed with him, hold
him or rub his back and gently explain why I couldn't let him continue
what he was doing. And, within short moments, he is usually collapsed in
tears and so sorry for the way he handled his emotions. He IS GETTING
BETTER at dealing with his strong emotions; he IS NOT escalating with
his behavior, which is what some people predict will happen with this
kind of child if you don't "lay down the law". Greene's book is really
excellent on that point.

This weekend I was away from him for really the first time, and my dh,
who is more *traditional* than I, was with him at his parents' beach
house. I'm not sure what went on--something in between gentle parenting
and spanking, something rough but short of spanking, I'm sure. But...I
am now picking up those pieces. Sam keeps lashing out and then saying,
"I'm a mean guy, aren't I?" My heart is breaking because these kids are
so incredibly sensitive. Yes, they rage, test boundaries, but it cuts
them to the quick--it comes at such a great personal cost in a way
that's almost compulsive. These kids--if your Ethan is *anything* like
my Sam--need to know that they are loved no matter what and that really
seems to be what they're testing. To keep their selves intact, to keep
their self-image positive, they look to us, and if the messages that
we're sending are that they are somehow less than whole, less than
human, less than kind--well, that just destroys them from the inside out.

Please, please, please continue to listen to your own instincts.
Apologize to your sister and assure her that if you were there, you
would have guided Ethan away from hitting the walnuts at her car. Arm
her with specific techniques that will improve the situation rather than
disintigrate it further. And, maybe, consider not leaving Ethan alone
with them anymore--I know that's what I've vowed with my Sam.

And...read *anything* you can get your hands on by Anne Ohman, a regular
at the now-unavailable Unschooling.com boards. You can read some of her
stuff at http://www.sandradodd.com/specialunschooling . She is an
absolute inspiration for how to parent high-need children against the
prevailing opinions.

--Danielle

http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html



kbb1109 wrote:

> How do you handle differences of opinion with family members? To
> make a long story short...my son hit my sister w/a wiffle ball bat.
> He was trying to hit walnuts at their new car. The incident occured
> while she was babysitting. She went over to him to take the bat and
> he hit her. During that time my mom had stopped by as well as my
> other sister. There was alot of activity and Ethan enjoys an
> audience.
> I told my sister that we had been using bats and tennis rackets to
> hit the walnuts into the woods the week before. I spoke to Ethan the
> next day about what the bat is for and that hitting someone is not
> okay. I apologized to my sister. Today I got an email and she just
> had to get "some things" off her chest. She said that the behavior
> was inexcusable and she expects respect for herself and her property.
> She doesnt agree w/our "discipline" and thinks he should know
> better.
>
> Please help with anye advice or similar situations. I am really
> feeling bad about how this is affecting our relationship as well as
> her relationship w/my children.
>
> Karen
>
>
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kbb1109

I'm not clear how old Ethan is; my Sam is 4. I can tell you that with
my
> guy a more structured/punitive style of parenting would not work--
it
> would, in fact, escalate the issues. Have you read _The Explosive
Child_
> by Ross Greene? It'll really back you up in what you *know* in you
> heart. Greene is a PhD, psychologist--use that with your sister.

Ethan is 4 1/2. I just finished The Explosive Child and it was
wonderful... I did try to let her know that I had done some reading
and this is what we find works for us. She was really not interested
in what I read. Her kids will know right from wrong and blah,
blah...She doesnt have children yet.

thank you for the support.

Karen

windmillfamily

--- In [email protected], "kbb1109" <karen.kbb@v...>
wrote:
> Ethan is 4 1/2. I just finished The Explosive Child and it was
> wonderful... I did try to let her know that I had done some reading
> and this is what we find works for us. She was really not interested
> in what I read. Her kids will know right from wrong and blah,
> blah...She doesnt have children yet.
>
> thank you for the support.
>
> Karen

Good grief, he's 4 1/2?!? Reading your original email, I thought your
sister was so worked up because he was, like, 12 years old. Isn't a
four and a half year old sort of feeling out the boundaries of his
world? Like, if I do A, what will happen? Oh, B. 'Kay, got it.

The concept of teaching a child "right from wrong," to me, is one of
the most miserable excuses on record for those people whose idea of
discipline more or less amounts to yelling and snatching things away -
I don't mean to imply that your sister thinks that way, although it
sure is easy to make grand pronouncements about parenting when you
don't have any yet. ;) I have seen more people than I care to mention
berate THREE YEAR OLDS about "right and wrong" - "You know it's wrong
to take his toy! That's not yours! Tell him you're sorry!" That's
meaningless to a child of three! I just think "right" and "wrong" are
very complicated concepts, and it takes a long time and a lot of
experience to truly learn them. Well, anyway, just a thought. It's
amazing how, when you stray from the "regular" or mainstream or
whatever path in life, people take it as a cue that they do not have
to keep their opinions to themselves. I have no real insight to give
you, just babble; but I hope you're feeling a little better about the
whole thing. :)

anyway, sorry for all the blah blah.

-Amy

[email protected]

In a message dated 02/09/2004 16:50:01 Pacific Daylight Time,
karen.kbb@... writes:


> Please help with any advice or similar situations. I am really
> feeling bad about how this is affecting our relationship as well as
> her relationship w/my children.
>

Hi Karen, this is such a difficult thing to go through. It is hard to juggle
family relationships when there is a difference of philosopy/belief about
discipline. I had a similar situation with my mom.
I listened to what she had to say, and said that while I understood that to
her it looked like what I was doing with my children was not normal or what
others do, it is what my husband and I choose to do, and is really very well
thought out. I explained very short form about what we believe in, and said if she
wanted more info I could supply it. I also said, very kindly, that we will
not be changing what we are doing, and I hoped she could come to terms with
that. It was one of the harder things I have ever had to do, and for a short time
things were a bit awkward, but now I think she respects me for doing what I
really believe in and for doing what I think is the very best thing for my
children.
She also sees that my kids are great, and I bet your sister will also. Hard
stuff to do tho, I have NEVER asserted myself with my mom before, and it was
quite free-ing to do.
Just my experience
Nancy in BC


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