saying "no" and conveying "no"
catherine aceto
Hmmm....not sure what you meant by this. I think if you are going to yry to control what they watch (and I don't think you should), I think they are better off if you just say "no," rather than trying to "convey" your "preference." They shouldn't have to read your mind, or guess, or be alert to subtle hints.
If you just mean that you think the movie is too scary for them, then I'd give them that information. Then they can choose not to watch it, or to watch it with you, or with the sound off, or one hand on the fast forward button on the remote......
-cat
*******
Sharon writes:
How do I convey that a show is one I would prefer they not watch
without just saying NO?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
If you just mean that you think the movie is too scary for them, then I'd give them that information. Then they can choose not to watch it, or to watch it with you, or with the sound off, or one hand on the fast forward button on the remote......
-cat
*******
Sharon writes:
How do I convey that a show is one I would prefer they not watch
without just saying NO?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sharon Thomas
Cat,
I wasn't very clear in my post on trying to find ways to convey my
preference. There are some shows that are more mature than my younger ones
can handle. I know that because they may watch but then have nightmares or
take a long time to get to sleep.Some are too stimulating for my youngest or
scarrey. I want to give them the option to choose but sometimes I need to
say no or not this one how about another one? I think I may have confused
the idea of giving kids freedom means never saying no...like I did with
discipline meaning punishment. I am still learning. Some of this is new and
I still make mistakes. Pieces fit together and I understand and we move on
Until I really understand a concept it doesn't all make sense to me or fit
together. Once I do it's no problem.
The idea of no chores, letting them choose bedtimes, when to eat etc. is
taking me time to see it practically or in better words how to put it into
our daily lives and I have confused it with no limits.
If I have this mixed up please help me to see the picture clearer.
sharon
I'm still working on it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I wasn't very clear in my post on trying to find ways to convey my
preference. There are some shows that are more mature than my younger ones
can handle. I know that because they may watch but then have nightmares or
take a long time to get to sleep.Some are too stimulating for my youngest or
scarrey. I want to give them the option to choose but sometimes I need to
say no or not this one how about another one? I think I may have confused
the idea of giving kids freedom means never saying no...like I did with
discipline meaning punishment. I am still learning. Some of this is new and
I still make mistakes. Pieces fit together and I understand and we move on
Until I really understand a concept it doesn't all make sense to me or fit
together. Once I do it's no problem.
The idea of no chores, letting them choose bedtimes, when to eat etc. is
taking me time to see it practically or in better words how to put it into
our daily lives and I have confused it with no limits.
If I have this mixed up please help me to see the picture clearer.
sharon
I'm still working on it.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn Coburn
<<<I wasn't very clear in my post on trying to find ways to convey my
preference. There are some shows that are more mature than my younger ones
can handle. I know that because they may watch but then have nightmares or
take a long time to get to sleep.Some are too stimulating for my youngest or
scarrey.>>>
Why do they *want* to watch something that is distressing to them? Is it
possibly a minor rebellion against your disapproval?
Maybe we have just been really lucky. There has *never* been a situation
where Jayn (4.5) has said something was scary, and then insisted on watching
it anyway. She always asks for fast forward, no sound or hides her face or
goes away. She will come and go, slowly gaining her courage. This applies to
live shows and the cinema also. She has never (yet) had the kind of
nightmares that others mention.
Gradually is the way she dealt with her initial fear of Spiderman over the
last 2 years. In the beginning she was even afraid of the image of Spidey on
clothing or toys. DH had a pair of boxer shorts that worried her. He ended
up not being able to wear them. We would avoid the racks in the stores, and
I would pick her up and carry her past posters or toys. She would ask for
the DVD, then ask for us to stop it at different places, or jump past the
bad guy. Now she enjoys playing the S2 X-box game (which is amazingly mobile
- you really feel like you are flying around New York - and the views!) and
has watched the DVD of S1 several times, but not all in one sitting. She has
asked for the next one, which we will buy when it come out.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.732 / Virus Database: 486 - Release Date: 7/29/2004
preference. There are some shows that are more mature than my younger ones
can handle. I know that because they may watch but then have nightmares or
take a long time to get to sleep.Some are too stimulating for my youngest or
scarrey.>>>
Why do they *want* to watch something that is distressing to them? Is it
possibly a minor rebellion against your disapproval?
Maybe we have just been really lucky. There has *never* been a situation
where Jayn (4.5) has said something was scary, and then insisted on watching
it anyway. She always asks for fast forward, no sound or hides her face or
goes away. She will come and go, slowly gaining her courage. This applies to
live shows and the cinema also. She has never (yet) had the kind of
nightmares that others mention.
Gradually is the way she dealt with her initial fear of Spiderman over the
last 2 years. In the beginning she was even afraid of the image of Spidey on
clothing or toys. DH had a pair of boxer shorts that worried her. He ended
up not being able to wear them. We would avoid the racks in the stores, and
I would pick her up and carry her past posters or toys. She would ask for
the DVD, then ask for us to stop it at different places, or jump past the
bad guy. Now she enjoys playing the S2 X-box game (which is amazingly mobile
- you really feel like you are flying around New York - and the views!) and
has watched the DVD of S1 several times, but not all in one sitting. She has
asked for the next one, which we will buy when it come out.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free.
Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
Version: 6.0.732 / Virus Database: 486 - Release Date: 7/29/2004
Sharon Thomas
**Why do they *want* to watch something that is distressing to them? Is it
possibly a minor rebellion against your disapproval?**
I don't think they feel it is distressing while they are watching it but
once they turn it off and go upstairs to bed they have a hard time sleeping.
They will come down to us and say" that part in the movie that did such and
such scared me."
When they want to watch something similar or with the big boys I will
remind them and alot of times they will say "oh, yeah I forgot." But
occassionally they will want to watch regardless. Then we have the same
reaction. Right or wrong I have been just saying no and let's find something
else. They do and go on.
sharon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
possibly a minor rebellion against your disapproval?**
I don't think they feel it is distressing while they are watching it but
once they turn it off and go upstairs to bed they have a hard time sleeping.
They will come down to us and say" that part in the movie that did such and
such scared me."
When they want to watch something similar or with the big boys I will
remind them and alot of times they will say "oh, yeah I forgot." But
occassionally they will want to watch regardless. Then we have the same
reaction. Right or wrong I have been just saying no and let's find something
else. They do and go on.
sharon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/4/2004 12:11:43 PM Central Standard Time,
Stormphoenix@... writes:
So I
simply pick him up from his middle-of-the-street tantrum, and try to
explain why the street is no place to play.
~~~
Why is it no place to play?
You said yourself that there is very little traffic. Walk out in the street
with him. Show him how to watch for cars and where to go when he sees one
coming. I wouldn't go so far as to allow him to go out there unsupervised
until he was much older, but I also would make sure to take the mystery out of
it.
It's only a power struggle if you stand your ground.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stormphoenix@... writes:
So I
simply pick him up from his middle-of-the-street tantrum, and try to
explain why the street is no place to play.
~~~
Why is it no place to play?
You said yourself that there is very little traffic. Walk out in the street
with him. Show him how to watch for cars and where to go when he sees one
coming. I wouldn't go so far as to allow him to go out there unsupervised
until he was much older, but I also would make sure to take the mystery out of
it.
It's only a power struggle if you stand your ground.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
***my biggest problem is "conveying" no to my son, who is determined to
stroll down the street. ***
Instead maybe you can say "wait till the cars are gone!" then walk and
play with him in the street.
Little by little talk about how the drivers can't see very small people
sometimes and why it's good to only go into the street when you (a tall
person drivers *can* see) can be with him. And then be watchful so that
he doesn't have the opportunity to be in the street without you until he
really understands.
***It seems there must be some rules and enforcement of them,
at least as long as children are toddlers and still learning what is
right and wrong, what is safe and what is dangerous.***
It *is* safe to walk in the street when there is no traffic in the same
way it's is safe to stand under a tall tree when there is no lightening.
Not many of us would prevent our toddlers from standing under tall trees
just because there will eventually be lightening and then it would be
unsafe to stand there.
Lots and lots of adults and kids walk in and across streets every day.
If you say it is never safe to go in the street he will see you and other
people in the street who are not getting injured and he will come to not
trust what you say.
*** I said "no" and tried to look serious, like I meant business. But I
just
ended up laughing and figured he wasn't hurting anything or anyone, so
why not make fork-music? ***
If you don't really care if he bangs the table then there's no reason to
tell him no. It sounds like you felt you had to say no because banging
the table *seemed* like something you should say "no" to.
When someone hears you say "no" and there's no reason for it or you don't
mean it, it will eventually not mean anything at all to them. They won't
even hear it.
Before you can convey no to anyone you should have a good reason for
saying it. Not some vague, might-be-a-good-idea-to-say-no-now reason but
a good, well thought out reason. Don't say no because your mom would
have. It will take more thought on your part, but thoughtful parenting
is worth it.
Deb Lewis
stroll down the street. ***
Instead maybe you can say "wait till the cars are gone!" then walk and
play with him in the street.
Little by little talk about how the drivers can't see very small people
sometimes and why it's good to only go into the street when you (a tall
person drivers *can* see) can be with him. And then be watchful so that
he doesn't have the opportunity to be in the street without you until he
really understands.
***It seems there must be some rules and enforcement of them,
at least as long as children are toddlers and still learning what is
right and wrong, what is safe and what is dangerous.***
It *is* safe to walk in the street when there is no traffic in the same
way it's is safe to stand under a tall tree when there is no lightening.
Not many of us would prevent our toddlers from standing under tall trees
just because there will eventually be lightening and then it would be
unsafe to stand there.
Lots and lots of adults and kids walk in and across streets every day.
If you say it is never safe to go in the street he will see you and other
people in the street who are not getting injured and he will come to not
trust what you say.
*** I said "no" and tried to look serious, like I meant business. But I
just
ended up laughing and figured he wasn't hurting anything or anyone, so
why not make fork-music? ***
If you don't really care if he bangs the table then there's no reason to
tell him no. It sounds like you felt you had to say no because banging
the table *seemed* like something you should say "no" to.
When someone hears you say "no" and there's no reason for it or you don't
mean it, it will eventually not mean anything at all to them. They won't
even hear it.
Before you can convey no to anyone you should have a good reason for
saying it. Not some vague, might-be-a-good-idea-to-say-no-now reason but
a good, well thought out reason. Don't say no because your mom would
have. It will take more thought on your part, but thoughtful parenting
is worth it.
Deb Lewis
Jen Wiley-Cordone
Hi all,
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.
Thanks,
Jen Wiley-Cordone
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.
Thanks,
Jen Wiley-Cordone
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/5/2004 10:48:59 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
jwileycordone@... writes:
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.<<<<
Jen, I'd consider contacting a nearby college to find a student looking for
income on maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays while taking classes MWF. Early
childhood development majors, maybe. She could learn a few things from YOU! <G> It
might even qualify as an internship---for credit.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jwileycordone@... writes:
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.<<<<
Jen, I'd consider contacting a nearby college to find a student looking for
income on maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays while taking classes MWF. Early
childhood development majors, maybe. She could learn a few things from YOU! <G> It
might even qualify as an internship---for credit.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wendy L Hawksley
Hi Everyone,
I find this conversation very interesting because my biggest problem is
"conveying" no to my son, who is determined to stroll down the street. I
can say "no" and "let's do something else", and I always must pick him
up. This results in him throwing himself down for a nice tantrum in the
middle of the street.
The "redirect" method was easier when my son was younger, but now that he
is nearly two-years old, he has definitely developed a single-mindedness.
Fortunately, military housing has little traffic. But I don't want to
take chances. It seems there must be some rules and enforcement of them,
at least as long as children are toddlers and still learning what is
right and wrong, what is safe and what is dangerous.
I would like my son to be able to do what he wants - providing it is safe
- but I think we are still in those early stages of him learning about
the world around him, and that he can't "run wild".
An example of something less nerve-wracking is the other night, when my
son decided that banging his fork forcefully against the dining room
table produced the most beautiful of music... To him at least! lol I
said "no" and tried to look serious, like I meant business. But I just
ended up laughing and figured he wasn't hurting anything or anyone, so
why not make fork-music?
Personally, I try not to say "no" too much. That worked out well,
because my son waited until very recently to even pick up the word "no",
but I know other children who started using "no" months earlier! So I
simply pick him up from his middle-of-the-street tantrum, and try to
explain why the street is no place to play.
But even before that, I try to prevent any situation which might make me
feel as though I must say "no". I try to intercept his determined strut,
tell him the street is not safe, and suggest the playground. *sigh* New
parenthood is as baffling as homeschooling lingo to me! :-)
BB,
Wendy
________________________________________________________________
The best thing to hit the Internet in years - Juno SpeedBand!
Surf the Web up to FIVE TIMES FASTER!
Only $14.95/ month - visit www.juno.com to sign up today!
I find this conversation very interesting because my biggest problem is
"conveying" no to my son, who is determined to stroll down the street. I
can say "no" and "let's do something else", and I always must pick him
up. This results in him throwing himself down for a nice tantrum in the
middle of the street.
The "redirect" method was easier when my son was younger, but now that he
is nearly two-years old, he has definitely developed a single-mindedness.
Fortunately, military housing has little traffic. But I don't want to
take chances. It seems there must be some rules and enforcement of them,
at least as long as children are toddlers and still learning what is
right and wrong, what is safe and what is dangerous.
I would like my son to be able to do what he wants - providing it is safe
- but I think we are still in those early stages of him learning about
the world around him, and that he can't "run wild".
An example of something less nerve-wracking is the other night, when my
son decided that banging his fork forcefully against the dining room
table produced the most beautiful of music... To him at least! lol I
said "no" and tried to look serious, like I meant business. But I just
ended up laughing and figured he wasn't hurting anything or anyone, so
why not make fork-music?
Personally, I try not to say "no" too much. That worked out well,
because my son waited until very recently to even pick up the word "no",
but I know other children who started using "no" months earlier! So I
simply pick him up from his middle-of-the-street tantrum, and try to
explain why the street is no place to play.
But even before that, I try to prevent any situation which might make me
feel as though I must say "no". I try to intercept his determined strut,
tell him the street is not safe, and suggest the playground. *sigh* New
parenthood is as baffling as homeschooling lingo to me! :-)
BB,
Wendy
________________________________________________________________
The best thing to hit the Internet in years - Juno SpeedBand!
Surf the Web up to FIVE TIMES FASTER!
Only $14.95/ month - visit www.juno.com to sign up today!
pam sorooshian
On Aug 4, 2004, at 8:29 AM, Sharon Thomas wrote:
might be helpful to them - not as scary with mom or dad right there to
cuddle up with.
I have a hard time sleeping after movies that are scary, too. Lots of
grown-ups do. Sometimes I watch them anyway.
I'd probably suggest to them that we watch it in the daytime, not right
before bed.
On the other hand, coming down and telling you that the movie scared
them seems fine to me - not necessarily to be avoided. That's "talking
time" for you - nothing wrong with that.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> I don't think they feel it is distressing while they are watching it"They turn it off" suggests that you're not watching it with them? That
> but
> once they turn it off and go upstairs to bed they have a hard time
> sleeping.
> They will come down to us and say" that part in the movie that did
> such and
> such scared me."
>
might be helpful to them - not as scary with mom or dad right there to
cuddle up with.
I have a hard time sleeping after movies that are scary, too. Lots of
grown-ups do. Sometimes I watch them anyway.
I'd probably suggest to them that we watch it in the daytime, not right
before bed.
On the other hand, coming down and telling you that the movie scared
them seems fine to me - not necessarily to be avoided. That's "talking
time" for you - nothing wrong with that.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Kendra DeSimone
Hi Jen,
I saw your email and wonder if you've found anyone to help you yet? I'm on the unschooling basics list because I'm very interested in doing this with my 7 year old son, but for now he's in public school. I live in Acton. If you haven't found anyone yet, maybe we could meet and talk about caring for your kids.
Thanks
Kendra
Jen Wiley-Cordone <jwileycordone@...> wrote:
Hi all,
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.
Thanks,
Jen Wiley-Cordone
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - 100MB free storage!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I saw your email and wonder if you've found anyone to help you yet? I'm on the unschooling basics list because I'm very interested in doing this with my 7 year old son, but for now he's in public school. I live in Acton. If you haven't found anyone yet, maybe we could meet and talk about caring for your kids.
Thanks
Kendra
Jen Wiley-Cordone <jwileycordone@...> wrote:
Hi all,
I've managed to arrange my life to be home with my kids and still, you
know, eat ;-) by working from home. My childcare situtation has changed
recently and I'm looking for childcare in my Clinton, MA home for my 4
month old and 3 1/2 year old daughters. I need about 6 hours a day for
two days a week but can be flexible about how that works out.. Do you
have any recommendations for decent folks who are respectful of gentle
parenting? Please forward this on to anyone you know who might be
interested.
Thanks,
Jen Wiley-Cordone
>Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
>
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
New and Improved Yahoo! Mail - 100MB free storage!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]