anonymous & husband
[email protected]
Original post:
My dh talks a good unschooling talk (he's more open about it than I
am-lol), but doesn't always walk the unschooling walk. He's a
wonderful guy, but his anger and his childhood seem to get in the way.
-=-=-==-=-
He needs to heal his "own" child before he can be expected to be a
parent.
-=-=-=-=-
This occurs several times a month, at least, where he gets tired of
the kids roughhousing (running around, chasing each other) usually in
play (though, sometimes in dispute). This drives my dh crazy and he
blows like a volcano!
-=-=-=-=-=-
He needs to find the "point" in advance. Maybe you two could work on
it together---find how much is "enough" and use a code word to tell
everyone it's time to stop NOW! Dad's getting ready to blow.
Duncan can keep going too far. We say "BeeBeep, Duncan" (from Stephen
King's _It_). He stops immediately.
-=-=-=-=-=-
He yells at me saying that my parenting isn't
helping, so he's going to go back to the way that it should be -
through fear.
-=-=-=-=-
And...uh....how's that working for him? Happy home? <g>
-=-=-=-=-
He's a really big guy, 6'2" and 275 lbs., so when he
gets really mad it can be scary. His face gets red and he yells at
the top of his voice and then stomps loudly to wherever the kids
happen to be.
-=-=-=-
Excitable guy? Big? Loud? Extreme highs? Extreme lows? Extreme
everything?
Deep breathing would be a good start.
Then have him pick from TWO actions: yelling OR stomping. Pick the
better one. Next time, after breathing, have him pick yelling OR
grunting. <g> If he can make just a TINY bit better choice each time,
he'll eventually get better and better. But to expect him to take more
than a tiny step each time may be waaay too much.
-=-=-=-=-
A couple of times I've taken the girls into our bedroom
and locked the door, but he busted in the door. He's never hit them,
but has threatened once (by holding up his fist to my older daughter).
I've been with him over 24 years, and he has never hitten me, either.
My older daughter (who is 8 yo.) says he's scary, but that she knows
he wouldn't hurt her physically.
-=-=-=-=
Does he know this? Can you talk about it quietly BEFORE It
happens---like one a long drive or while on a picnic? When you're both
calm and willing to talk. No kids. Just lots of talking.
Does he KNOW his kids are afraid of him? Does he KNOW he's creating
fear in his girls?
-=-=-=-
In all the time that I've been with my husband, since he was a teen,
he rarely lost his temper, though, since we've had kids (especially 2
kids), it has increased. Also, my husband's mom died a little over a
year ago and his anger has seemed to have significantly increased
since her death.
-=-=-=-
I'm going to guess that his childhood wasn't pleasant---that he has
some unresolved issues with his mom. Her death---and his role as
provider/dad has brought up some hidden problems. Is he willing to
talk? With you? With a shrink? With another dad?
-=-=-=-=-
He also has a very stressful job that he really hates.
-=-=-=-=-
Well, that's HUGE! What does he do? Maybe one of us has an
idea/contact.
-=-=-=-=-
We've looked for other jobs, but haven't found one that
doesn't require at least a significant drop in pay (and currently we
have too much debt to consider a large reduction in his pay, though,
we are trying to pay off the debt so this can eventually happen).
However, we will continue to look for a job. He also sees a therapist
every now and then, and although this helps, it is limited in value.
-=-=-=-
OK---you answered a couple of my questions. <g> Jump out now. The debt
can wait. Seriously.
Get out of the hellhole. His wellbeing is more important than the $$.
The kids' thoughts of their daddy are more important than $$. Taking
the leap will open doors you never knew existed. Worry about the $$
later. Seriously.
-=-=-==-
Anyway, I'm at a loss. I've tried to empathize, but maybe it's too
little too late. How can I let my kids be kids without my husband
losing his temper?
-=-=-=-=-
By helping him see what he's doing ---but not WHILE he's doing it.
BEFORE. Code word. Breathing. Choices.
Let him know that you *want* to help. Help him see what he's doing and
how it will affect them forever. Does he want them to treat his
grandchildren the way he's treating *them*? Learning can't happen in
the presence of fear. Period. Learning STOPS when fear is in charge.
You can't unschool in fear.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.
My dh talks a good unschooling talk (he's more open about it than I
am-lol), but doesn't always walk the unschooling walk. He's a
wonderful guy, but his anger and his childhood seem to get in the way.
-=-=-==-=-
He needs to heal his "own" child before he can be expected to be a
parent.
-=-=-=-=-
This occurs several times a month, at least, where he gets tired of
the kids roughhousing (running around, chasing each other) usually in
play (though, sometimes in dispute). This drives my dh crazy and he
blows like a volcano!
-=-=-=-=-=-
He needs to find the "point" in advance. Maybe you two could work on
it together---find how much is "enough" and use a code word to tell
everyone it's time to stop NOW! Dad's getting ready to blow.
Duncan can keep going too far. We say "BeeBeep, Duncan" (from Stephen
King's _It_). He stops immediately.
-=-=-=-=-=-
He yells at me saying that my parenting isn't
helping, so he's going to go back to the way that it should be -
through fear.
-=-=-=-=-
And...uh....how's that working for him? Happy home? <g>
-=-=-=-=-
He's a really big guy, 6'2" and 275 lbs., so when he
gets really mad it can be scary. His face gets red and he yells at
the top of his voice and then stomps loudly to wherever the kids
happen to be.
-=-=-=-
Excitable guy? Big? Loud? Extreme highs? Extreme lows? Extreme
everything?
Deep breathing would be a good start.
Then have him pick from TWO actions: yelling OR stomping. Pick the
better one. Next time, after breathing, have him pick yelling OR
grunting. <g> If he can make just a TINY bit better choice each time,
he'll eventually get better and better. But to expect him to take more
than a tiny step each time may be waaay too much.
-=-=-=-=-
A couple of times I've taken the girls into our bedroom
and locked the door, but he busted in the door. He's never hit them,
but has threatened once (by holding up his fist to my older daughter).
I've been with him over 24 years, and he has never hitten me, either.
My older daughter (who is 8 yo.) says he's scary, but that she knows
he wouldn't hurt her physically.
-=-=-=-=
Does he know this? Can you talk about it quietly BEFORE It
happens---like one a long drive or while on a picnic? When you're both
calm and willing to talk. No kids. Just lots of talking.
Does he KNOW his kids are afraid of him? Does he KNOW he's creating
fear in his girls?
-=-=-=-
In all the time that I've been with my husband, since he was a teen,
he rarely lost his temper, though, since we've had kids (especially 2
kids), it has increased. Also, my husband's mom died a little over a
year ago and his anger has seemed to have significantly increased
since her death.
-=-=-=-
I'm going to guess that his childhood wasn't pleasant---that he has
some unresolved issues with his mom. Her death---and his role as
provider/dad has brought up some hidden problems. Is he willing to
talk? With you? With a shrink? With another dad?
-=-=-=-=-
He also has a very stressful job that he really hates.
-=-=-=-=-
Well, that's HUGE! What does he do? Maybe one of us has an
idea/contact.
-=-=-=-=-
We've looked for other jobs, but haven't found one that
doesn't require at least a significant drop in pay (and currently we
have too much debt to consider a large reduction in his pay, though,
we are trying to pay off the debt so this can eventually happen).
However, we will continue to look for a job. He also sees a therapist
every now and then, and although this helps, it is limited in value.
-=-=-=-
OK---you answered a couple of my questions. <g> Jump out now. The debt
can wait. Seriously.
Get out of the hellhole. His wellbeing is more important than the $$.
The kids' thoughts of their daddy are more important than $$. Taking
the leap will open doors you never knew existed. Worry about the $$
later. Seriously.
-=-=-==-
Anyway, I'm at a loss. I've tried to empathize, but maybe it's too
little too late. How can I let my kids be kids without my husband
losing his temper?
-=-=-=-=-
By helping him see what he's doing ---but not WHILE he's doing it.
BEFORE. Code word. Breathing. Choices.
Let him know that you *want* to help. Help him see what he's doing and
how it will affect them forever. Does he want them to treat his
grandchildren the way he's treating *them*? Learning can't happen in
the presence of fear. Period. Learning STOPS when fear is in charge.
You can't unschool in fear.
~Kelly
________________________________________________________________________
Check out the new AOL. Most comprehensive set of free safety and
security tools, free access to millions of high-quality videos from
across the web, free AOL Mail and more.