Ren

" I
also don't want to yell, scream, scare or just let them have his way because
it's easiest..."

Why not? Letting a child choose when they need sleep is trusting they will learn to listen to their bodies. Not that a tired child doesn't need some back rubbing, stories, cuddling...whatever calms them, but forcing a child to "nap" for the parent's convenience is placing one persons needs over another's. The best way is to consider all needs as equally important, in my opinion.

I take the "easy" way out with parenting whenever possible!:) It's easier to trust children than to fight their natural tendencies, it's easier to learn from life, than to try and force information down a persons throat, it's easier to be joyful than fight....although the habits that lead to confrontation can be VERY difficult to change. I should know.:) I'm the queen of witchiness if I don't watch it.

One of the best books on parenting EVER, is "Living Joyfully With Children" by Winn and Bill Sweet. I used to think (like someone else mentioned) that you could either discipline your kids, or be overly permissive. I never realized there was a way to be "permissive" and also be a respectful, helpful guide for your children. That book shows the balance I believe, that is truly respectful and gentle.

I have four children, two of them have fairly mellow personalities (aim to please etc..), the other two have more intense personalities. They're all very different, but we don't punish any of them.
I was REALLY mad at Trevor today (14) for getting in his siblings faces and not respecting their boundaries. It's been an ongoing issue and I lost it. My dh stepped in and told me to chill out. While we were talking he said "you want to fix him right now, but you can't. You need to leave him alone, keep the others away from them for their own peace and safety and let him figure it out in his own time...and he will."
Wow. My dh is SO cool.:) It really helps to have a partner on board with the gentle parenting thing...when you're "off" they can be the balance, and vise versa.

So anyhoo...I don't think forced naps are a good idea. Can you put on a good movie for him when you're feeling overwhelmed? Find a good snack, or some water play in the sink or something that allows you a moment? Believe me, I've lost my temper more than I'd like to remember, so I wouldn't berate anyone for that.
I would recommend finding creative options that don't include punishment, time outs or forcing things that don't agree with another person's body.

Ren

Learn about unschooling at:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/

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In a message dated 7/7/2004 11:13:49 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:


Why not? Letting a child choose when they need sleep is trusting they will
learn to listen to their bodies.


OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided she is a
night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This has been
an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration of independance
on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but cant think
of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and all
ideas are appreciated!!

Lin in MA


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jeanne Goodman

Lyn,

I'm going thru almost the same thing with both of my kids. I'm trying to help them understand that they are losing valuable daylight and the fun things they can do but so far they haven't been willing to give up their new found freedom. I'm hoping they'll change their tune when they miss opportunities in the mornings more.

From a selfish point of view, I enjoy getting a few hours of work in every morning before the kids are up. So that's my silver lining.

Jeanne in MA, too
----- Original Message -----
OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided she is a
night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This has been
an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration of independance
on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but cant think
of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and all
ideas are appreciated!!

Lin in MA

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Dana Matt

> OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y
> old has decided she is a
> night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps
> all day!! This has been
> an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at
> night like other
> people... nothing works for long... is she trying
> for a declaration of independance
> on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate
> that term but cant think
> of another that would fit) anyone else having this
> problem? any and all
> ideas are appreciated!!
>
> Lin in MA

Lin, just wondering what difference it makes if your
12 yo is a night owl? If you need to do things
outside of the house, before she wakes up, she's old
enough to stay home alone....So what's the problem?
If you have things in the morning that she "needs" to
do, reschedule them for the afternoon?
Dana
in Montana





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Betsy Varga

> OH BOY this isnt working here at all.....
> Lin in MA

Lin, just wondering what difference it makes if your
12 yo is a night owl? If you need to do things
outside of the house, before she wakes up, she's old
enough to stay home alone....So what's the problem?
If you have things in the morning that she "needs" to
do, reschedule them for the afternoon?
Dana
in Montana

Lin, Dana has a very good point and I would like to add my thoughts...

There is a book called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Dr. Ferber (not
sure of the spelling). He his a Pediatric Neurologist at Children's
Hospital in Boston. I have not read the book, but is was recommended to us
by our pediatrician. We were going to go see him at Children's, but never
did. However, last week I was leaving my son at Boy Scout camp and found
that two families had read the book and one family had actually been
patients of the doctor years ago. He was extremely helpful to them and she
commented how he works with parents and children. He works to form a
schedule that meets both the parents and child's needs and temperaments.
Her children were high energy children that do not need a lot of sleep.

All the newest research about adolescents suggests that many children change
there sleep patterns when they hit puberty. It is something hormonal,
beyond their control. I would not think your daughter is spoiled. Maybe
her sleep patterns have changed because she is changing physically.
However, she could want more time alone and is using this time to process
what is going on around her.

We went through this with my teen when she was twelve and I did not handle
it correctly. She is almost 15 now and things are great between us. When
she was going through this stage, I made a big issue out of it. I was
wrong, and would have done us both a big favor if I had relaxed and let it
go.





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TreeGoddess

On Jul 8, 2004, at 1:06 PM, Betsy Varga wrote:

> There is a book called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Dr. Ferber
> (not
> sure of the spelling).


Nooooooooo! Run screaming from that book! Very bad advice and not at
all good advice for gentle parenting or following your child's lead.
Ick ick ick.

-Tracy-

TreeGoddess

On Jul 8, 2004, at 8:58 AM, shellby@... wrote:

> OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided
> she is a
> night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This
> has been
> an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
> people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration
> of independance
> on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but
> cant think
> of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and
> all
> ideas are appreciated!!

Lin,

First, I think it would greatly help your situation if you changed the
words that you're using when thinking about or speaking/writing about
your DD. It's harder to remain calm and loving if you're thinking
negatively about your child.

Second, what does it matter when she's sleeping or awake? She's old
enough to figure out when to sleep or not and maybe she's just playing
with time or enjoys the silence and still of night. KWIM? It's not
like she needs to get up for school or a job or anything pressing,
right? It's her time to "waste"....just let her be.

Third, my midwife told me once before a phrase that I keep in mind
often...."what you resist persists". Try just relaxing about your DD's
sleep and wake pattern. Stop commenting on it and just be pleasant and
enjoy her company while you're both awake. Have food available in the
fridge for her that she can heat up in the microwave during the night.
Just let her "play" and she'll come back around to sleeping at night
when/if she's ready to.

FWIW, I know lots of teens who have done this and they don't go for
years doing it. Just let go of trying to control her and it'll all
work itself out.

Peace,
-Tracy-

Robyn Coburn

<<<OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided she
is a
night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This has been

an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration of
independance
on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but cant
think
of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and all
ideas are appreciated!!>>>

There have been studies done, not that I usually care about studies but this
is helpful, that show that many adolescents move into a period of becoming
nightowls - that is is a natural situation. They also start to need more
hours of sleep for a while. Some enlightened school districts are even
altering class schedules to accommodate this phenomenon.

Another term that might fit is "normal and happy". How about allowing her to
do her own thing? At twelve she is probably old enough to be left home alone
if you have to do errands with other kids.

Robyn L. Coburn


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April M

I've been amused by all the 'my teens aren't sleeping' emails! Easy for me
to be amused...I've successfully navigated those waters twice so far....what
amused me were my kids. My older two have gone through all the stay awake
half the night sleep half the day stuff....they both tend to be night-owls
still, but so is their Dad, so no big surprise there. I fought it for a
while, but finally let them be for the most part. Tuned out the folks that
were quite sure my kids would never be able to hold down a job or go to
college if they didn't learn to get up with an alarm as kids. Now my oldest
is babysitting every morning at 9:00 in exchange for a car and I never need
to get her up (which I would do willingly if she wanted...I wake my husband
every morning because I'm a morning person and he hates waking up to an
alarm) This week they are house-sitting for their aunt. No adults to tell
them to go to bed, nobody to wake them up....totally on their own. And at
8:30 this morning, they show up at home bright and cheery, showered and
dressed (which is more than I could say for myself at the time!) and ready
to go. My daughter did her babysitting, then they took off to meet with a
friend for the day before heading up to a story-telling festival this
evening. I've heard the horror stories....and had more that hinted at the
horror stories of not teaching my kids the discipline of a schedule and
alarms and all that. And I'm here to tell you...they're all wrong!

~April
Mom to Kate-17, Lisa-15, Karl-13, & Ben-8.
*REACH Homeschool Group, an inclusive group meeting throughout Oakland
County.. http://www.homeschoolingonashoestring.com/REACH_home.html
*Michigan Youth Theater...Acting On Our Dreams...
<http://www.michiganyouththeater.org/>
"It must be remembered that the purpose of education is not to fill the
minds of students with facts... it is to teach them to think." ~~ Robert
Hutchins





-----Original Message-----
From: TreeGoddess [mailto:treegoddess@...]
Sent: Thursday, July 08, 2004 3:20 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] new member has question


On Jul 8, 2004, at 8:58 AM, shellby@... wrote:

> OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided
> she is a
> night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This
> has been
> an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
> people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration
> of independance
> on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but
> cant think
> of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and
> all
> ideas are appreciated!!

Lin,

First, I think it would greatly help your situation if you changed the
words that you're using when thinking about or speaking/writing about
your DD. It's harder to remain calm and loving if you're thinking
negatively about your child.

Second, what does it matter when she's sleeping or awake? She's old
enough to figure out when to sleep or not and maybe she's just playing
with time or enjoys the silence and still of night. KWIM? It's not
like she needs to get up for school or a job or anything pressing,
right? It's her time to "waste"....just let her be.

Third, my midwife told me once before a phrase that I keep in mind
often...."what you resist persists". Try just relaxing about your DD's
sleep and wake pattern. Stop commenting on it and just be pleasant and
enjoy her company while you're both awake. Have food available in the
fridge for her that she can heat up in the microwave during the night.
Just let her "play" and she'll come back around to sleeping at night
when/if she's ready to.

FWIW, I know lots of teens who have done this and they don't go for
years doing it. Just let go of trying to control her and it'll all
work itself out.

Peace,
-Tracy-


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Robyn Coburn

<<<There is a book called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Dr. Ferber
(not
sure of the spelling). He his a Pediatric Neurologist at Children's
Hospital in Boston. I have not read the book, but is was recommended to us
by our pediatrician. We were going to go see him at Children's, but never
did. However, last week I was leaving my son at Boy Scout camp and found
that two families had read the book and one family had actually been
patients of the doctor years ago. He was extremely helpful to them and she
commented how he works with parents and children. He works to form a
schedule that meets both the parents and child's needs and temperaments.
Her children were high energy children that do not need a lot of sleep.>>>



"Ferberizing" is the root of a tremendously cruel sleep training method for
babies. Dr. Ferber recanted his horrible ideas before his death.

I don't think recommending books you have not read or ideas that are
entirely opposite to the freedom based lifestyle of unschooling and
attachment parenting, is remotely helpful.

Robyn L. Coburn



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Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com).
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Sherri-Lee Pressman

For the kids sleeping all day long, you might want to consider supplementing
their diets with Vit. D, not getting it can cause some serious health issues
and the best natural source is sunlight.



Just a thought,


Sherri-Lee

_____

From: Jeanne Goodman [mailto:goodmanj@...]
Sent: Thursday, July 08, 2004 6:37 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] new member has question



Lyn,

I'm going thru almost the same thing with both of my kids. I'm trying to
help them understand that they are losing valuable daylight and the fun
things they can do but so far they haven't been willing to give up their new
found freedom. I'm hoping they'll change their tune when they miss
opportunities in the mornings more.

From a selfish point of view, I enjoy getting a few hours of work in every
morning before the kids are up. So that's my silver lining.

Jeanne in MA, too
----- Original Message -----
OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has decided she
is a
night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!! This has
been
an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like other
people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a declaration of
independance
on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term but cant
think
of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any and all

ideas are appreciated!!

Lin in MA

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]






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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Valerie

I don't see it as a problem at all. Laurie was a night owl for
years. She seldom went to bed before dawn. When she decided to go to
college, her dad was adamant that she'd fail because she wouldn't be
able to wake up for 8am classes. But, several days before classes
started, she began going to bed a little earlier each night (on her
own). She was a wee bit tired on orientation day, but recovered well
and still (6 years later) seldom sleeps past 7am even if she's off
that day.

Many successful and happy people are night owls. :-)

love, Valerie

> OH BOY this isnt working here at all..... my 12 y old has
decided she is a
> night owl and stays up most of the night and sleeps all day!!
This has been
> an ongoing battle for months to get her to sleep at night like
other
> people... nothing works for long... is she trying for a
declaration of independance
> on her part or just being a "spoiled brat" ( i hate that term
but cant think
> of another that would fit) anyone else having this problem? any
and all
> ideas are appreciated!!
>
> Lin in MA
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 7/8/2004 3:43:47 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
treegoddess@... writes:

FWIW, I know lots of teens who have done this and they don't go for
years doing it. Just let go of trying to control her and it'll all
work itself out.



I have been noticing that on this list... no- I would never talk to her in
the negative about what she is doing i am just concerned. none of my other
kids did this, she is the last one, my baby ... thanks for the advice I
will make sure not to try to pressure her about it.

Lin


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

I don't think its a declaration of independence and for sure she's not a
spoiled brat! Maybe she has just wondered for a very long time how it would be
to sleep and wake by how she felt and not by alarms and schedules.
FREEDOM!!!!!!!!
Syndi

"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

Valarie,
I sure enjoy hearing about your daughter and the things you both have been
thru! Its very encouraging!
syndi

"...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it
is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn
out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able
to learn whatever needs to be learned."
-- _John Holt_ (http://www.quoteworld.org/author.php?thetext=John+Holt)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]