Re: [unschoolingbasics]please help a new member
Geneva Goza
Not sure if I've introduced myself yet. I'm Geneva 29yo SAHM in Dallas, Texas. My kids are Echo (3.5) and Kobe (1). I am hip to AP and I consider myself tolerant, gentle and non violent. I have never hit my kids and though I have been a yeller in the past since having my 2nd child, I've become more APish and I've seen the error of my ways and I rarely yell or belittle.
I say I've never hit my kids BUT yesterday was a hell of a day and I lost patience with Echo. He is never bratty, he never pushes our limits and honestly he rarely needs to be punished - he doesn't do anything wrong. He is thoughtful, know our rules and sticks to them with little trouble (their pretty simple).
Even yesterday, he didn't do anything "wrong." Please let me tell you what happened and hopefully someone here can give me some insight.
At nap time, Echo played and goofed around in bed without going to sleep...he was very tired as we were up LATE for the 4th and woke at 5 AM during a camp out. Our schedule was all off and he was showing all the signs of a tired boy who needs a nap. I do not MAKE him take a nap, I can see that he is growing out of it, but on days when he starts acting tired and grouchy, we lie down together to rest, yesterday was one of those days. We were trying to sleep for about 45 min and my husband dropped in for lunch (surprise) so we got up to hang out with him. I told Echo we would forget about the nap but if was acting crabby or getting in trouble later we would go ahead and try again.
2 hours later, Echo got in trouble for hitting his sister with a push toy. I said "Echo give me that" 3 times and he ignored all 3. I wanted him to give me the weapon and come and talk about playing nicely, instead he ran away from me. I calmed his sister, and talked to him and then we were to try again on the nap. We were talking about how important it is to listen to your mom and trust that she has your best interests in mind
When he acts so bratty (it is rare), I just assume he needs rest, he only does that when he's tired. I feel it's my job to help him get his rest. I tried to lie down with him for 15 min or so, still awake talking to himself etc. I had to take care of Kobe so I had him lay down by himself. I said get your rest and please don't get up, it's nap time. Long story long...he kept getting up - to the point that he was just trying to be defiant. He would get up after 1 minute - we went thru the same thing SEVERAL times for about an hour and a half.
We ended with me saying "Echo, if you get up again, you will be in more trouble than ever" he got up again, I put the baby down, went to talk to him and he was acting silly, not listening to me and just flat not taking me seriously. To get his attention...no excuse, I swatted his leg. He was so shocked, I hated to see the look on his face and I hated the way it felt to dominate him like that. The swat, could not have hurt him physically, I barely touched him. Not that it's any better but I made sure to not "hit" him, it was a quick attention getting swat, not a spanking at all. Considering the shorts he was wearing I doubt it hurt at all - but it hurt his pride and I know that I crossed a line. I have not stopped thinking about yesterday's events and I'm wondering what I could have done different. Also, FYI - afterwards we talked, I apologized, left the room and he went right to sleep. If I didn't know better, I would say "hey violence gets results." It sure did but I know I was wrong.
I've already promised that it would never happen again, he told me that he knows he was acting like a bad kid yesterday. Moving forward - I don't want the kids to run all over me (that's what happened yesterday, my words, meant nothing). I also don't want to yell, scream, scare or just let them have his way because it's easiest...
I have no energy for any negative comments or feedback. I can assure anyone interested in calling CPS that this will never happen again - but now what? Thanks for reading and sharing.
Geneva
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I say I've never hit my kids BUT yesterday was a hell of a day and I lost patience with Echo. He is never bratty, he never pushes our limits and honestly he rarely needs to be punished - he doesn't do anything wrong. He is thoughtful, know our rules and sticks to them with little trouble (their pretty simple).
Even yesterday, he didn't do anything "wrong." Please let me tell you what happened and hopefully someone here can give me some insight.
At nap time, Echo played and goofed around in bed without going to sleep...he was very tired as we were up LATE for the 4th and woke at 5 AM during a camp out. Our schedule was all off and he was showing all the signs of a tired boy who needs a nap. I do not MAKE him take a nap, I can see that he is growing out of it, but on days when he starts acting tired and grouchy, we lie down together to rest, yesterday was one of those days. We were trying to sleep for about 45 min and my husband dropped in for lunch (surprise) so we got up to hang out with him. I told Echo we would forget about the nap but if was acting crabby or getting in trouble later we would go ahead and try again.
2 hours later, Echo got in trouble for hitting his sister with a push toy. I said "Echo give me that" 3 times and he ignored all 3. I wanted him to give me the weapon and come and talk about playing nicely, instead he ran away from me. I calmed his sister, and talked to him and then we were to try again on the nap. We were talking about how important it is to listen to your mom and trust that she has your best interests in mind
When he acts so bratty (it is rare), I just assume he needs rest, he only does that when he's tired. I feel it's my job to help him get his rest. I tried to lie down with him for 15 min or so, still awake talking to himself etc. I had to take care of Kobe so I had him lay down by himself. I said get your rest and please don't get up, it's nap time. Long story long...he kept getting up - to the point that he was just trying to be defiant. He would get up after 1 minute - we went thru the same thing SEVERAL times for about an hour and a half.
We ended with me saying "Echo, if you get up again, you will be in more trouble than ever" he got up again, I put the baby down, went to talk to him and he was acting silly, not listening to me and just flat not taking me seriously. To get his attention...no excuse, I swatted his leg. He was so shocked, I hated to see the look on his face and I hated the way it felt to dominate him like that. The swat, could not have hurt him physically, I barely touched him. Not that it's any better but I made sure to not "hit" him, it was a quick attention getting swat, not a spanking at all. Considering the shorts he was wearing I doubt it hurt at all - but it hurt his pride and I know that I crossed a line. I have not stopped thinking about yesterday's events and I'm wondering what I could have done different. Also, FYI - afterwards we talked, I apologized, left the room and he went right to sleep. If I didn't know better, I would say "hey violence gets results." It sure did but I know I was wrong.
I've already promised that it would never happen again, he told me that he knows he was acting like a bad kid yesterday. Moving forward - I don't want the kids to run all over me (that's what happened yesterday, my words, meant nothing). I also don't want to yell, scream, scare or just let them have his way because it's easiest...
I have no energy for any negative comments or feedback. I can assure anyone interested in calling CPS that this will never happen again - but now what? Thanks for reading and sharing.
Geneva
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Betsy Varga
I have nothing negative to say.
I bought a tape/book set called Healing the Angry Heart by Lisa Bevere, but
it is Christian in nature.
I also have two positive parenting tapes that are not religious. One is
Children are From Heaven by John Gray, Ph.D. (the author of Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus...). The other is The Spirited Child (not sure
of the author).
The best advice is to walk away. It takes two to argue and two to fight.
If putting your child in time out does not work, you can always put yourself
in time out. My 86 year old grandfather once told me to just walk away from
my child until she was ready to talk/listen because that is what his mother
always did. That was so liberating to me because I felt he would judge me
for not having a child that always did what I told her to do.
One thing that you could do is find out where the anger came from in the
first place. What issues were you dealing with or thinking about that lead
up to your outburst? Other ways of looking at it are dissecting the event
or remembering "who else was in the room", parts of you or parts of other
people from your past. Chances are that it wasn't really Echo that made you
mad as much as feelings or events leading up to it.
Depression can manifest itself in anger. You might want to keep that in
mind if you continue to feel overwhelmed or angry. Depression is more
easily treated if you catch it in the early stages. You might want to look
into natural remedies, anti-depressant medication, or short term talk
therapy. However, eating right, daily exercise and getting into a good
sleep pattern will usual work wonders.
I bought a tape/book set called Healing the Angry Heart by Lisa Bevere, but
it is Christian in nature.
I also have two positive parenting tapes that are not religious. One is
Children are From Heaven by John Gray, Ph.D. (the author of Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus...). The other is The Spirited Child (not sure
of the author).
The best advice is to walk away. It takes two to argue and two to fight.
If putting your child in time out does not work, you can always put yourself
in time out. My 86 year old grandfather once told me to just walk away from
my child until she was ready to talk/listen because that is what his mother
always did. That was so liberating to me because I felt he would judge me
for not having a child that always did what I told her to do.
One thing that you could do is find out where the anger came from in the
first place. What issues were you dealing with or thinking about that lead
up to your outburst? Other ways of looking at it are dissecting the event
or remembering "who else was in the room", parts of you or parts of other
people from your past. Chances are that it wasn't really Echo that made you
mad as much as feelings or events leading up to it.
Depression can manifest itself in anger. You might want to keep that in
mind if you continue to feel overwhelmed or angry. Depression is more
easily treated if you catch it in the early stages. You might want to look
into natural remedies, anti-depressant medication, or short term talk
therapy. However, eating right, daily exercise and getting into a good
sleep pattern will usual work wonders.
[email protected]
As far as I can tell most of us on this list are here to talk, and maybe by
you talking and sharing with us yesterday you might just feel alittle better?
Instead of holding it all in and exploding again? I'm very ashamed of my
past parenting skills, or non skills I should say. But, with time, we can
change for the better. Your human, you'll make mistakes, ask for forgiveness and
move on. I wonder if it would have been possible to lock him in with you
and the baby ( i think you said you were camping so of course you wouldn't want
him to get out) and just go to sleep. If he doesn't haven anyone to
entertain, he might (and i know its a big might) just have fallen asleep. Well,
something to think about if a similar situation comes up.
syndi
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you talking and sharing with us yesterday you might just feel alittle better?
Instead of holding it all in and exploding again? I'm very ashamed of my
past parenting skills, or non skills I should say. But, with time, we can
change for the better. Your human, you'll make mistakes, ask for forgiveness and
move on. I wonder if it would have been possible to lock him in with you
and the baby ( i think you said you were camping so of course you wouldn't want
him to get out) and just go to sleep. If he doesn't haven anyone to
entertain, he might (and i know its a big might) just have fallen asleep. Well,
something to think about if a similar situation comes up.
syndi
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joan Labbe & Salvatore Genovese
<<<<I've already promised that it would never happen again, he told me that
he knows he was acting like a bad kid yesterday. Moving forward - I don't
want the kids to run all over me (that's what happened yesterday, my words,
meant nothing). I also don't want to yell, scream, scare or just let them
have his way because it's easiest...>>>>
Hi, Geneva and welcome,
Sounds like a very difficult situation for you and Echo yesterday - if you
were up at 5am too, then you must have been quite tired also. I know for
me, tired mama plus tired kid or kids is a huge challenge. Good for you for
not deciding that the swatting worked and for trying to find another way you
can go when you are feeling that frustrated. I have a few thoughts for you
to consider.
One is that rather than "acting like a bad kid yesterday" as you quoted your
son saying above, a different way of looking at it is that he was simply
sending messages and trying to get his needs met. The behavior you termed
as "defiant" when telling your son to lie down, I would interpret in my
children as them sending me a message about their need for autonomy.
Children do have the same need as adults to choose I believe. It is a human
need not to be controlled. That doesn't mean that your needs as mom don't
matter or that you can't work it out together.
My specific suggestions to your situation would be as follows (and FYI my dd
is 5.8 and my ds is 3.5): Sounds like your son was having trouble "winding
down" which happens a lot to my kids too when they are over-tired. You
could think about ways of helping him do that in addition to or instead of
just lying down with him. Backrubs work wonders to relax my daughter. You
could read a story. You could make up a story (my kids love those more than
books anyway - holds their attention). Maybe your story could be about a
little train (or dump truck, or whatever your boy loves) who was going and
going for so long that when he finally lay down to sleep he just couldn't
lie still...and so on. A soft tone of voice and lots of repetition may send
him off to dreamland. Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
this is "winding them up" is physical exertion. Have a pillow fight or a
soft ball fight - if I get him giggling then he is relaxed. He rests
naturally which can then turn into quiet time which may turn into sleep. I
have also seen my son blow through a nap even though really tired and just
end up going to bed really early that night - the key there is to try to
arrange the quiet time to at least re-charge his batteries. If nothing is
working in terms of getting my son some quiet time and his behavior is
getting disruptive then often going outside works wonders getting through
the tough hour or two and on to the evening when he falls asleep early. I
do not feel that doing these things equals "letting my kids run all over me"
at all. We are partners trying to get through the day together as best we
can. I see my job as using my knowledge and experience and power with them,
as opposed to over them, to get all our needs met.
My other suggestion is that if you get to the point where you feel you are
so frustrated that you are "losing it" (and boy, have I been there!), take
time to yourself in a separate room. That's what I do. I tell my kid(s)
"Mom is really tired and cranky right now and I'm having a hard time. I'm
going into the kitchen until I feel better." Then try to regroup.
Joan
he knows he was acting like a bad kid yesterday. Moving forward - I don't
want the kids to run all over me (that's what happened yesterday, my words,
meant nothing). I also don't want to yell, scream, scare or just let them
have his way because it's easiest...>>>>
Hi, Geneva and welcome,
Sounds like a very difficult situation for you and Echo yesterday - if you
were up at 5am too, then you must have been quite tired also. I know for
me, tired mama plus tired kid or kids is a huge challenge. Good for you for
not deciding that the swatting worked and for trying to find another way you
can go when you are feeling that frustrated. I have a few thoughts for you
to consider.
One is that rather than "acting like a bad kid yesterday" as you quoted your
son saying above, a different way of looking at it is that he was simply
sending messages and trying to get his needs met. The behavior you termed
as "defiant" when telling your son to lie down, I would interpret in my
children as them sending me a message about their need for autonomy.
Children do have the same need as adults to choose I believe. It is a human
need not to be controlled. That doesn't mean that your needs as mom don't
matter or that you can't work it out together.
My specific suggestions to your situation would be as follows (and FYI my dd
is 5.8 and my ds is 3.5): Sounds like your son was having trouble "winding
down" which happens a lot to my kids too when they are over-tired. You
could think about ways of helping him do that in addition to or instead of
just lying down with him. Backrubs work wonders to relax my daughter. You
could read a story. You could make up a story (my kids love those more than
books anyway - holds their attention). Maybe your story could be about a
little train (or dump truck, or whatever your boy loves) who was going and
going for so long that when he finally lay down to sleep he just couldn't
lie still...and so on. A soft tone of voice and lots of repetition may send
him off to dreamland. Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
this is "winding them up" is physical exertion. Have a pillow fight or a
soft ball fight - if I get him giggling then he is relaxed. He rests
naturally which can then turn into quiet time which may turn into sleep. I
have also seen my son blow through a nap even though really tired and just
end up going to bed really early that night - the key there is to try to
arrange the quiet time to at least re-charge his batteries. If nothing is
working in terms of getting my son some quiet time and his behavior is
getting disruptive then often going outside works wonders getting through
the tough hour or two and on to the evening when he falls asleep early. I
do not feel that doing these things equals "letting my kids run all over me"
at all. We are partners trying to get through the day together as best we
can. I see my job as using my knowledge and experience and power with them,
as opposed to over them, to get all our needs met.
My other suggestion is that if you get to the point where you feel you are
so frustrated that you are "losing it" (and boy, have I been there!), take
time to yourself in a separate room. That's what I do. I tell my kid(s)
"Mom is really tired and cranky right now and I'm having a hard time. I'm
going into the kitchen until I feel better." Then try to regroup.
Joan
Geneva Goza
Well thanks alot - I appreciate the info. I guess my real question is...time out? He was being sent to bed...over and over...around here that would be considered time out! There is also a chair in the hall that he uses for time out and I thought about putting him there but I wanted him to sleep. That was where things got out of hand, he was grouchy to the point of aggressiveness and later defiance. He was already in a time out from hitting his sister and refused to stay in the time out.
Would you have just let him skip his nap but stay in his room? Should I have dropped the whole thing? Then he may think he doesn't have to listen to me.
Thanks so much for any info or opinions. I don't want this to happen again but I'm not sure how I should have handled it, my normal approach didn't work this time.
Geneva From: Betsy Varga
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 5:27 PM
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics]please help a new member
I have nothing negative to say.
I bought a tape/book set called Healing the Angry Heart by Lisa Bevere, but
it is Christian in nature.
I also have two positive parenting tapes that are not religious. One is
Children are From Heaven by John Gray, Ph.D. (the author of Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus...). The other is The Spirited Child (not sure
of the author).
The best advice is to walk away. It takes two to argue and two to fight.
If putting your child in time out does not work, you can always put yourself
in time out. My 86 year old grandfather once told me to just walk away from
my child until she was ready to talk/listen because that is what his mother
always did. That was so liberating to me because I felt he would judge me
for not having a child that always did what I told her to do.
One thing that you could do is find out where the anger came from in the
first place. What issues were you dealing with or thinking about that lead
up to your outburst? Other ways of looking at it are dissecting the event
or remembering "who else was in the room", parts of you or parts of other
people from your past. Chances are that it wasn't really Echo that made you
mad as much as feelings or events leading up to it.
Depression can manifest itself in anger. You might want to keep that in
mind if you continue to feel overwhelmed or angry. Depression is more
easily treated if you catch it in the early stages. You might want to look
into natural remedies, anti-depressant medication, or short term talk
therapy. However, eating right, daily exercise and getting into a good
sleep pattern will usual work wonders.
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a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
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c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Would you have just let him skip his nap but stay in his room? Should I have dropped the whole thing? Then he may think he doesn't have to listen to me.
Thanks so much for any info or opinions. I don't want this to happen again but I'm not sure how I should have handled it, my normal approach didn't work this time.
Geneva From: Betsy Varga
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2004 5:27 PM
Subject: RE: [unschoolingbasics]please help a new member
I have nothing negative to say.
I bought a tape/book set called Healing the Angry Heart by Lisa Bevere, but
it is Christian in nature.
I also have two positive parenting tapes that are not religious. One is
Children are From Heaven by John Gray, Ph.D. (the author of Men are from
Mars, Women are from Venus...). The other is The Spirited Child (not sure
of the author).
The best advice is to walk away. It takes two to argue and two to fight.
If putting your child in time out does not work, you can always put yourself
in time out. My 86 year old grandfather once told me to just walk away from
my child until she was ready to talk/listen because that is what his mother
always did. That was so liberating to me because I felt he would judge me
for not having a child that always did what I told her to do.
One thing that you could do is find out where the anger came from in the
first place. What issues were you dealing with or thinking about that lead
up to your outburst? Other ways of looking at it are dissecting the event
or remembering "who else was in the room", parts of you or parts of other
people from your past. Chances are that it wasn't really Echo that made you
mad as much as feelings or events leading up to it.
Depression can manifest itself in anger. You might want to keep that in
mind if you continue to feel overwhelmed or angry. Depression is more
easily treated if you catch it in the early stages. You might want to look
into natural remedies, anti-depressant medication, or short term talk
therapy. However, eating right, daily exercise and getting into a good
sleep pattern will usual work wonders.
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingbasics/
b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
TreeGoddess
Maybe next time you could try a "time in" instead? More one-on-one
attention, cuddling, and peaceful feelings with Mama rather than being
"banished" (from their perspective). Here's a link to "The Case
Against Time-Out" by Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html
-Tracy-
attention, cuddling, and peaceful feelings with Mama rather than being
"banished" (from their perspective). Here's a link to "The Case
Against Time-Out" by Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html
-Tracy-
On Jul 7, 2004, at 7:11 PM, Geneva Goza wrote:
> Well thanks alot - I appreciate the info. I guess my real question
> is...time out? He was being sent to bed...over and over...around here
> that would be considered time out! There is also a chair in the hall
> that he uses for time out and I thought about putting him there but I
> wanted him to sleep. That was where things got out of hand, he was
> grouchy to the point of aggressiveness and later defiance. He was
> already in a time out from hitting his sister and refused to stay in
> the time out.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Geneva Goza
Dear, Dear, Joan -
Thanks so much. Your inspiration was what I was missing yesterday. There is NO WAY I would have thought to make up a frieking story!! A story and a back rub would have gone a long way for him. As I said before, he is a very gentle child and was probably mean to Kobe because he was out of his mind with fatigue.
I didn't really mean to control him but I did feel like he was trying to rebel so I guess so.
I appreciate your opinion. Going out would have been great too - but it was raining during this whole episode. I wonder if I would have thought about that if it were sunny outside. I really did cross a line yesterday. I hope he's not scarred - I sure am.
Thanks
Geneva .
My specific suggestions to your situation would be as follows (and FYI my dd
is 5.8 and my ds is 3.5): Sounds like your son was having trouble "winding
down" which happens a lot to my kids too when they are over-tired. You
could think about ways of helping him do that in addition to or instead of
just lying down with him. Backrubs work wonders to relax my daughter. You
could read a story. You could make up a story (my kids love those more than
books anyway - holds their attention). Maybe your story could be about a
little train (or dump truck, or whatever your boy loves) who was going and
going for so long that when he finally lay down to sleep he just couldn't
lie still...and so on. A soft tone of voice and lots of repetition may send
him off to dreamland. Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
this is "winding them up" is physical exertion. Have a pillow fight or a
soft ball fight - if I get him giggling then he is relaxed. He rests
naturally which can then turn into quiet time which may turn into sleep. I
have also seen my son blow through a nap even though really tired and just
end up going to bed really early that night - the key there is to try to
arrange the quiet time to at least re-charge his batteries. If nothing is
working in terms of getting my son some quiet time and his behavior is
getting disruptive then often going outside works wonders getting through
the tough hour or two and on to the evening when he falls asleep early. I
do not feel that doing these things equals "letting my kids run all over me"
at all. We are partners trying to get through the day together as best we
can. I see my job as using my knowledge and experience and power with them,
as opposed to over them, to get all our needs met.
My other suggestion is that if you get to the point where you feel you are
so frustrated that you are "losing it" (and boy, have I been there!), take
time to yourself in a separate room. That's what I do. I tell my kid(s)
"Mom is really tired and cranky right now and I'm having a hard time. I'm
going into the kitchen until I feel better." Then try to regroup.
Joan
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
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a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
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b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Thanks so much. Your inspiration was what I was missing yesterday. There is NO WAY I would have thought to make up a frieking story!! A story and a back rub would have gone a long way for him. As I said before, he is a very gentle child and was probably mean to Kobe because he was out of his mind with fatigue.
I didn't really mean to control him but I did feel like he was trying to rebel so I guess so.
I appreciate your opinion. Going out would have been great too - but it was raining during this whole episode. I wonder if I would have thought about that if it were sunny outside. I really did cross a line yesterday. I hope he's not scarred - I sure am.
Thanks
Geneva .
My specific suggestions to your situation would be as follows (and FYI my dd
is 5.8 and my ds is 3.5): Sounds like your son was having trouble "winding
down" which happens a lot to my kids too when they are over-tired. You
could think about ways of helping him do that in addition to or instead of
just lying down with him. Backrubs work wonders to relax my daughter. You
could read a story. You could make up a story (my kids love those more than
books anyway - holds their attention). Maybe your story could be about a
little train (or dump truck, or whatever your boy loves) who was going and
going for so long that when he finally lay down to sleep he just couldn't
lie still...and so on. A soft tone of voice and lots of repetition may send
him off to dreamland. Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
this is "winding them up" is physical exertion. Have a pillow fight or a
soft ball fight - if I get him giggling then he is relaxed. He rests
naturally which can then turn into quiet time which may turn into sleep. I
have also seen my son blow through a nap even though really tired and just
end up going to bed really early that night - the key there is to try to
arrange the quiet time to at least re-charge his batteries. If nothing is
working in terms of getting my son some quiet time and his behavior is
getting disruptive then often going outside works wonders getting through
the tough hour or two and on to the evening when he falls asleep early. I
do not feel that doing these things equals "letting my kids run all over me"
at all. We are partners trying to get through the day together as best we
can. I see my job as using my knowledge and experience and power with them,
as opposed to over them, to get all our needs met.
My other suggestion is that if you get to the point where you feel you are
so frustrated that you are "losing it" (and boy, have I been there!), take
time to yourself in a separate room. That's what I do. I tell my kid(s)
"Mom is really tired and cranky right now and I'm having a hard time. I'm
going into the kitchen until I feel better." Then try to regroup.
Joan
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Geneva Goza
THANKS so much, I will check it out tonight!
Geneva
Against Time-Out" by Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html
-Tracy-
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Geneva
Against Time-Out" by Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
http://www.naturalchild.com/guest/peter_haiman.html
-Tracy-
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Geneva Goza
Also to clarify - I told Echo that I didn't want to be a bad mom, one that hits and has no patience, before I could finish he said "well, I don't wan't to be a bad kid." We are still talking about yesterday's events and I'm telling him that he's not a bad kid.
One is that rather than "acting like a bad kid yesterday" as you quoted your
son saying above, a different way of looking at it is that he was simply
sending messages and trying to get his needs met. The behavior you termed
as "defiant" when telling your son to lie down, I would interpret in my
children as them sending me a message about their need for autonomy.
Children do have the same need as adults to choose I believe. It is a human
need not to be controlled. That doesn't mean that your needs as mom don't
matter or that you can't work it out together.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
One is that rather than "acting like a bad kid yesterday" as you quoted your
son saying above, a different way of looking at it is that he was simply
sending messages and trying to get his needs met. The behavior you termed
as "defiant" when telling your son to lie down, I would interpret in my
children as them sending me a message about their need for autonomy.
Children do have the same need as adults to choose I believe. It is a human
need not to be controlled. That doesn't mean that your needs as mom don't
matter or that you can't work it out together.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb Lewis
I think there is a fairly easy thing that can help parents and it begins
with changing how we talk about our kids.
I don't know if you'll read this as negative but I want to assure you I
don't mean it to be. I'm offering as honestly as I can some things I
think might help you in the future. You don't have to read anymore if
you don't want to.
You've used kind of loaded terminology in your post about your very
little boy and maybe if you wrote it again and found gentler ways to talk
about Echo and what happened you might have a calmer feeling about it and
a better idea how to handle the next thing. That's a trick I used when
Dylan was little. In a quiet moment I would review the situation and
sort of talk it out in my head and deliberately use really gentle,
careful, loving words about him and I would be so much calmer and more
patient and loving with him the next minute.
First I think you're absolutely right that he was tired and feeling the
effects of an upset routine and maybe even a mom who was, because of a
big, busy weekend, pushed a little past her comfortable place, too.
But instead of calling the toy he hit his sister with a weapon - which
immediately makes the user of the "weapon" seem like a deliberate
criminal you could have called it just what it was, a truck or a dog or a
duck. Then he's not a criminal using a weapon, he's a very little boy,
tired and feeling out of sorts who doesn't have enough experience in the
world yet to know how to handle frustration in a way that adults find
acceptable.
Instead of thinking he ignored you when you told him to give it to you,
you can think he wasn't really himself and so was beyond being able to
deal with the situation in the way you wanted him to.
Instead of thinking of him as bratty maybe you can see him as worn out
and really unable to cope with the things that were expected of him.
Maybe it would also help to think about what *would* qualify as bratty.
Does a three year old want to be bratty and where would he have learned
that behavior? Is it possible that we've been brainwashed with these
negative terms to identify any small person who happens to not be
cooperating or agreeing with us? Maybe those words were used about us
when we were little.
I agree with you that you can help him when he's tired and worn out but
maybe you can think about ways he wants you to help him instead of ways
you think he needs to be helped? Surely he was tired, but maybe just
snuggling with you or being rocked or having you hold him and sing or
some other favorite, restful, calming thing could have helped him, too.
He wasn't refusing to go to sleep in order to make you mad. He was more
likely past the point where sleep would come easily. You're baby
doesn't want you to be angry with him, I think you can trust that to be
true no matter how challenging life with little ones can get.
Every mom has moments she regrets. You will probably remember and be
horrified by that swat longer than he will. But here's a chance to put
things into perspective. Echo is really still a baby, three years old
and you're a grown mommy. If you were tired and frustrated and upset to
the point you swatted your kid when you didn't even want to, imagine how
he was feeling inside and how well he really did under the circumstances.
I'd say he's pretty darn amazing.
I really want to stress to you that you don't have to choose to think
about your kids as "running all over you". Why would they want to do
that? They love you. They want to live happily with you. Did someone
say that about you or to you - that they weren't going to let you "run
all over them?" That's so sad.
You are partners with your kids and they want the same happy family you
want. If you think badly of them, if you think they want to mistreat you
it will be harder for you to find loving solutions to the ordinary
frustrations of family life. It's a choice you can make right now, to
always think the best of them.
I have a friend who's son was very challenging and every night before she
went to bed she wrote down three really positive things about him. When
she got up in the morning she read them and she kept that little piece of
paper in her pocket. When she was frustrated or worn out she would go
into the bathroom and turn on the fan and breathe and read that little
note that said: "Evan is a beautiful spirit and a loving soul" "Evan
loves to give hugs and show people he cares " "Evan brings me flowers
and pretty rocks" ...
Sometimes I think this would be a good trick for moms who are being rough
on themselves, too. Every night write down three things you did that day
that turned out really wonderful and carry it around with you the next
day.
Deb Lewis
with changing how we talk about our kids.
I don't know if you'll read this as negative but I want to assure you I
don't mean it to be. I'm offering as honestly as I can some things I
think might help you in the future. You don't have to read anymore if
you don't want to.
You've used kind of loaded terminology in your post about your very
little boy and maybe if you wrote it again and found gentler ways to talk
about Echo and what happened you might have a calmer feeling about it and
a better idea how to handle the next thing. That's a trick I used when
Dylan was little. In a quiet moment I would review the situation and
sort of talk it out in my head and deliberately use really gentle,
careful, loving words about him and I would be so much calmer and more
patient and loving with him the next minute.
First I think you're absolutely right that he was tired and feeling the
effects of an upset routine and maybe even a mom who was, because of a
big, busy weekend, pushed a little past her comfortable place, too.
But instead of calling the toy he hit his sister with a weapon - which
immediately makes the user of the "weapon" seem like a deliberate
criminal you could have called it just what it was, a truck or a dog or a
duck. Then he's not a criminal using a weapon, he's a very little boy,
tired and feeling out of sorts who doesn't have enough experience in the
world yet to know how to handle frustration in a way that adults find
acceptable.
Instead of thinking he ignored you when you told him to give it to you,
you can think he wasn't really himself and so was beyond being able to
deal with the situation in the way you wanted him to.
Instead of thinking of him as bratty maybe you can see him as worn out
and really unable to cope with the things that were expected of him.
Maybe it would also help to think about what *would* qualify as bratty.
Does a three year old want to be bratty and where would he have learned
that behavior? Is it possible that we've been brainwashed with these
negative terms to identify any small person who happens to not be
cooperating or agreeing with us? Maybe those words were used about us
when we were little.
I agree with you that you can help him when he's tired and worn out but
maybe you can think about ways he wants you to help him instead of ways
you think he needs to be helped? Surely he was tired, but maybe just
snuggling with you or being rocked or having you hold him and sing or
some other favorite, restful, calming thing could have helped him, too.
He wasn't refusing to go to sleep in order to make you mad. He was more
likely past the point where sleep would come easily. You're baby
doesn't want you to be angry with him, I think you can trust that to be
true no matter how challenging life with little ones can get.
Every mom has moments she regrets. You will probably remember and be
horrified by that swat longer than he will. But here's a chance to put
things into perspective. Echo is really still a baby, three years old
and you're a grown mommy. If you were tired and frustrated and upset to
the point you swatted your kid when you didn't even want to, imagine how
he was feeling inside and how well he really did under the circumstances.
I'd say he's pretty darn amazing.
I really want to stress to you that you don't have to choose to think
about your kids as "running all over you". Why would they want to do
that? They love you. They want to live happily with you. Did someone
say that about you or to you - that they weren't going to let you "run
all over them?" That's so sad.
You are partners with your kids and they want the same happy family you
want. If you think badly of them, if you think they want to mistreat you
it will be harder for you to find loving solutions to the ordinary
frustrations of family life. It's a choice you can make right now, to
always think the best of them.
I have a friend who's son was very challenging and every night before she
went to bed she wrote down three really positive things about him. When
she got up in the morning she read them and she kept that little piece of
paper in her pocket. When she was frustrated or worn out she would go
into the bathroom and turn on the fan and breathe and read that little
note that said: "Evan is a beautiful spirit and a loving soul" "Evan
loves to give hugs and show people he cares " "Evan brings me flowers
and pretty rocks" ...
Sometimes I think this would be a good trick for moms who are being rough
on themselves, too. Every night write down three things you did that day
that turned out really wonderful and carry it around with you the next
day.
Deb Lewis
Geneva Goza
Thanks you Deb, I appreciate your feedback.
Geneva
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Geneva
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
christy_imnotred
--- In [email protected], "Joan Labbe & Salvatore
Genovese" <salgenovese@w...> wrote:
Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
relaxed. He rests naturally which can then turn into quiet time
which may turn into sleep.
I try to wrestle with my son before bed every night, after teeth are
brushed etc. It really does seem to help him wind down, he gets that
last bit of energy and any tension/aggression from the day out.
After wrestling we cuddle up and read and sleep usually comes easily.
Christy
Genovese" <salgenovese@w...> wrote:
Another thing that I find helpful, although some feel
> this is "winding them up" is physical exertion. Have a pillowfight or a soft ball fight - if I get him giggling then he is
relaxed. He rests naturally which can then turn into quiet time
which may turn into sleep.
I try to wrestle with my son before bed every night, after teeth are
brushed etc. It really does seem to help him wind down, he gets that
last bit of energy and any tension/aggression from the day out.
After wrestling we cuddle up and read and sleep usually comes easily.
Christy
TreeGoddess
Deb,
This reply was so awesome. I love reading your posts! Can I forward
this to a few of my Mama friends? TIA,
-Tracy-
This reply was so awesome. I love reading your posts! Can I forward
this to a few of my Mama friends? TIA,
-Tracy-
On Jul 7, 2004, at 8:15 PM, Deb Lewis wrote:
> I think there is a fairly easy thing that can help parents and it
> begins
> with changing how we talk about our kids.
>
> I don't know if you'll read this as negative but I want to assure you I
> don't mean it to be. I'm offering as honestly as I can some things I
> think might help you in the future. You don't have to read anymore if
> you don't want to.
>
> You've used kind of loaded terminology in your post about your very
> little boy and maybe if you wrote it again and found gentler ways to
> talk
> about Echo and what happened you might have a calmer feeling about it
> and
> a better idea how to handle the next thing. That's a trick I used
> when
> Dylan was little. In a quiet moment I would review the situation and
> sort of talk it out in my head and deliberately use really gentle,
> careful, loving words about him and I would be so much calmer and more
> patient and loving with him the next minute.
>
> First I think you're absolutely right that he was tired and feeling the
> effects of an upset routine and maybe even a mom who was, because of a
> big, busy weekend, pushed a little past her comfortable place, too.
>
> But instead of calling the toy he hit his sister with a weapon - which
> immediately makes the user of the "weapon" seem like a deliberate
> criminal you could have called it just what it was, a truck or a dog
> or a
> duck. Then he's not a criminal using a weapon, he's a very little boy,
> tired and feeling out of sorts who doesn't have enough experience in
> the
> world yet to know how to handle frustration in a way that adults find
> acceptable.
>
> Instead of thinking he ignored you when you told him to give it to you,
> you can think he wasn't really himself and so was beyond being able to
> deal with the situation in the way you wanted him to.
>
> Instead of thinking of him as bratty maybe you can see him as worn out
> and really unable to cope with the things that were expected of him.
> Maybe it would also help to think about what *would* qualify as bratty.
> Does a three year old want to be bratty and where would he have learned
> that behavior? Is it possible that we've been brainwashed with these
> negative terms to identify any small person who happens to not be
> cooperating or agreeing with us? Maybe those words were used about us
> when we were little.
>
> I agree with you that you can help him when he's tired and worn out but
> maybe you can think about ways he wants you to help him instead of ways
> you think he needs to be helped? Surely he was tired, but maybe just
> snuggling with you or being rocked or having you hold him and sing or
> some other favorite, restful, calming thing could have helped him, too.
> He wasn't refusing to go to sleep in order to make you mad. He was
> more
> likely past the point where sleep would come easily. You're baby
> doesn't want you to be angry with him, I think you can trust that to
> be
> true no matter how challenging life with little ones can get.
>
> Every mom has moments she regrets. You will probably remember and be
> horrified by that swat longer than he will. But here's a chance to
> put
> things into perspective. Echo is really still a baby, three years old
> and you're a grown mommy. If you were tired and frustrated and upset
> to
> the point you swatted your kid when you didn't even want to, imagine
> how
> he was feeling inside and how well he really did under the
> circumstances.
> I'd say he's pretty darn amazing.
>
> I really want to stress to you that you don't have to choose to think
> about your kids as "running all over you". Why would they want to do
> that? They love you. They want to live happily with you. Did someone
> say that about you or to you - that they weren't going to let you "run
> all over them?" That's so sad.
> You are partners with your kids and they want the same happy family you
> want. If you think badly of them, if you think they want to mistreat
> you
> it will be harder for you to find loving solutions to the ordinary
> frustrations of family life. It's a choice you can make right now, to
> always think the best of them.
>
> I have a friend who's son was very challenging and every night before
> she
> went to bed she wrote down three really positive things about him.
> When
> she got up in the morning she read them and she kept that little piece
> of
> paper in her pocket. When she was frustrated or worn out she would go
> into the bathroom and turn on the fan and breathe and read that little
> note that said: "Evan is a beautiful spirit and a loving soul" "Evan
> loves to give hugs and show people he cares " "Evan brings me flowers
> and pretty rocks" ...
>
> Sometimes I think this would be a good trick for moms who are being
> rough
> on themselves, too. Every night write down three things you did that
> day
> that turned out really wonderful and carry it around with you the next
> day.
>
> Deb Lewis