Passions that cost lots of money?
freepsgal
My son has always had a passion for Legos. He spends time every day
on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was how he
learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that I
cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs and
he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so, but
he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thing he
might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9
years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to do
special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I only have
so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willing to
work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?
Beth M.
on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was how he
learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that I
cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs and
he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so, but
he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thing he
might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9
years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to do
special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I only have
so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willing to
work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?
Beth M.
Marie Pressman
Do I know all about your problem! My son is also nine. Once the kit is
built, he's onto how he can get the next. We have quite a collection. Not
to mention a box full of Lego pieces. I keep trying to get him to focus on
that big box to make his own creations. Often times he will make some
amazing things but it's never enough. For awhile we were getting the
catalogs and he would make lists of the kits he wanted and the prices. My
son always has a hole burning in his pocket and desparately wants to make
money but never wants to work very hard for it. I find it very frustrating
and exhausting. He is very passionate but lately his passions have
multiplied. I realize that I need to help him with some kind of business.
--Marie
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of freepsgal
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:30 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Passions that cost lots of money?
My son has always had a passion for Legos. He spends time every day
on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was how he
learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that I
cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs and
he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so, but
he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thing he
might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9
years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to do
special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I only have
so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willing to
work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?
Beth M.
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built, he's onto how he can get the next. We have quite a collection. Not
to mention a box full of Lego pieces. I keep trying to get him to focus on
that big box to make his own creations. Often times he will make some
amazing things but it's never enough. For awhile we were getting the
catalogs and he would make lists of the kits he wanted and the prices. My
son always has a hole burning in his pocket and desparately wants to make
money but never wants to work very hard for it. I find it very frustrating
and exhausting. He is very passionate but lately his passions have
multiplied. I realize that I need to help him with some kind of business.
--Marie
-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]]On Behalf Of freepsgal
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 9:30 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Passions that cost lots of money?
My son has always had a passion for Legos. He spends time every day
on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was how he
learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that I
cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs and
he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so, but
he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thing he
might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9
years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to do
special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I only have
so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willing to
work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?
Beth M.
SPONSORED LINKS Secondary school education Graduate school education
Home school education
Graduate school education online High school education Chicago
school education
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS
a.. Visit your group "unschoolingbasics" on the web.
b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of
Service.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
--- In [email protected], "freepsgal"
<freepsgal@...> wrote:
(for example, $3/week if you can). If you can buy him kits "when you
have the money" maybe putting aside a little bit at a time, rather
than waiting an indeterminate time between things, would help him -
he could see that this week we have $3, next week we'll have $6 and
so on - and on June 15th we'll have enough for kit A - unless I
choose to get less-expensive kit B on May 30 and delay getting kit A
for another 5 weeks. Works really well with my 8 yr old DS. He gets
an allowance (free and clear, no chores or anything required),
payable when I get paid (twice per month). He can save, spend,
whatever he chooses. It gives him some sense of when something will
be available - 2 allowances, 3 allowances, etc. When he first
started getting an allowance a couple years ago, he saved for 2 full
months because he wanted to get not one but two plastic, lights and
sounds light sabers - can't battle with just one! When he had saved
enough for one, I offered to chip in for the other (the timing fell
right) but he refused - he wanted to buy them his own self. So he
did. And boy was he looking proud at the cash register! (I chipped
in for the tax - we're just starting to discuss that factor now).
--Deb
<freepsgal@...> wrote:
>day
> My son has always had a passion for Legos. He spends time every
> on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was howhe
> learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that Iand
> cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs
> he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so,but
> he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thinghe
> might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9do
> years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to
> special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I onlyhave
> so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willingto
> work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?Make a list. Prioritize it. Set aside x amount of money toward it
>
> Beth M.
>
(for example, $3/week if you can). If you can buy him kits "when you
have the money" maybe putting aside a little bit at a time, rather
than waiting an indeterminate time between things, would help him -
he could see that this week we have $3, next week we'll have $6 and
so on - and on June 15th we'll have enough for kit A - unless I
choose to get less-expensive kit B on May 30 and delay getting kit A
for another 5 weeks. Works really well with my 8 yr old DS. He gets
an allowance (free and clear, no chores or anything required),
payable when I get paid (twice per month). He can save, spend,
whatever he chooses. It gives him some sense of when something will
be available - 2 allowances, 3 allowances, etc. When he first
started getting an allowance a couple years ago, he saved for 2 full
months because he wanted to get not one but two plastic, lights and
sounds light sabers - can't battle with just one! When he had saved
enough for one, I offered to chip in for the other (the timing fell
right) but he refused - he wanted to buy them his own self. So he
did. And boy was he looking proud at the cash register! (I chipped
in for the tax - we're just starting to discuss that factor now).
--Deb
Pampered Chef Michelle
On 5/15/06, freepsgal <freepsgal@...> wrote:
a kid. He has SO many Star Wars Legos I can't count them. He builds his
kits though and puts them out to show. He isn't interested in building them
and taking them apart and building them again (or building something
different.) So he is always thinking of that "next kit." His dream is to
own the $300 Star Destroyer. When we go to Disney World we *have* to go to
the Lego Store at Downtown Disney because he has to see if they have
anything he can't get locally (they always do) and to drool over the Star
Destroyer.
I'm a stamper. I buy hundreds of stamps a year and I do use almost all the
stamps that I purchase. However, I, too, think about that next stamp. I
have a wish list with the URL's where I can find them. I go to a monthly
stamp club with a Stampin' Up demonstrator and make a $50 or more purchase
each month in stamps and supplies. Although I love almost (LOL) all the
stamps that I own and use them, I still want more. They feed my
creativity. When I get a new stamp my friends know it because they get
cards with the "stamp d'jour"
My oldest daughter loves manga, but she understands that they cost money and
that we don't always have an extra few bucks to spend on manga. She
collects them in series and is always thinking of the next one in the series
or the next series she wants to collect.
My mother is a gardener. She loves to garden. She will do a ton of work in
her yard and it will look so pretty. Because I'm not that kind of gardener
(I prefer herbs and veggies and she prefers ornamentals) I would look at
what she has done and go, "Now is the time to maintain. Now I can just trim
the grass and pull the weeds." But not Mom. Mom has to reshape a bed, put
in a flower tree over here, create a butterfly garden, take out a dying
something here, create a new bed of flowers, decide that the grass she has
isn't the right variety for her yard and take it all out and put in new ones
and while she is at it she is going to take out the beds that line the
sidewalk and do somethig different - something more period to her house (she
lives in a pre-Victorian restoration house.)
I guess what I'm saying is that we all have passions that cost money in one
way or another. Learning to understand that we live in a capitalist society
where things cost money and money and can create limitations to our
acquiring new is a sad lesson sometimes. Or it can be used to find creative
ways to meet those needs. Your son has found one in wanting to do jobs for
money. Perhaps he could expand this to neighbors. Raking leaves, carrying
an elderly neighbor's garbage to the street, cutting someone's lawn, pet
sitting for vacationing neighbors. Perhaps you could show him ways to find
what he wants less expensively by going to ebay or other online places,
thrift stores, garage sales, etc. I'm always seeing Legos at garage sales,
they may not be in their boxes, but if his passion is unlike Dan's to where
he wants new pieces to build things with, this might be a solution.
--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I live with a 41 yo Legomaniac. He still has Legos that he had when he was
> We've talked about the costs and
> he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so, but
> he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thing he
> might have just gotten.
a kid. He has SO many Star Wars Legos I can't count them. He builds his
kits though and puts them out to show. He isn't interested in building them
and taking them apart and building them again (or building something
different.) So he is always thinking of that "next kit." His dream is to
own the $300 Star Destroyer. When we go to Disney World we *have* to go to
the Lego Store at Downtown Disney because he has to see if they have
anything he can't get locally (they always do) and to drool over the Star
Destroyer.
I'm a stamper. I buy hundreds of stamps a year and I do use almost all the
stamps that I purchase. However, I, too, think about that next stamp. I
have a wish list with the URL's where I can find them. I go to a monthly
stamp club with a Stampin' Up demonstrator and make a $50 or more purchase
each month in stamps and supplies. Although I love almost (LOL) all the
stamps that I own and use them, I still want more. They feed my
creativity. When I get a new stamp my friends know it because they get
cards with the "stamp d'jour"
My oldest daughter loves manga, but she understands that they cost money and
that we don't always have an extra few bucks to spend on manga. She
collects them in series and is always thinking of the next one in the series
or the next series she wants to collect.
My mother is a gardener. She loves to garden. She will do a ton of work in
her yard and it will look so pretty. Because I'm not that kind of gardener
(I prefer herbs and veggies and she prefers ornamentals) I would look at
what she has done and go, "Now is the time to maintain. Now I can just trim
the grass and pull the weeds." But not Mom. Mom has to reshape a bed, put
in a flower tree over here, create a butterfly garden, take out a dying
something here, create a new bed of flowers, decide that the grass she has
isn't the right variety for her yard and take it all out and put in new ones
and while she is at it she is going to take out the beds that line the
sidewalk and do somethig different - something more period to her house (she
lives in a pre-Victorian restoration house.)
I guess what I'm saying is that we all have passions that cost money in one
way or another. Learning to understand that we live in a capitalist society
where things cost money and money and can create limitations to our
acquiring new is a sad lesson sometimes. Or it can be used to find creative
ways to meet those needs. Your son has found one in wanting to do jobs for
money. Perhaps he could expand this to neighbors. Raking leaves, carrying
an elderly neighbor's garbage to the street, cutting someone's lawn, pet
sitting for vacationing neighbors. Perhaps you could show him ways to find
what he wants less expensively by going to ebay or other online places,
thrift stores, garage sales, etc. I'm always seeing Legos at garage sales,
they may not be in their boxes, but if his passion is unlike Dan's to where
he wants new pieces to build things with, this might be a solution.
--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
trektheory
--- In [email protected], "freepsgal"
<freepsgal@...> wrote:
buys there! (BTW, my son isn't the only lego fiend here -- my dh
never had any as a child, and really loves them! I always said it
was dangerous -- a child with a credit card....)
Oh, and for making money, have a garage sale, and maybe he can have
made something to sell (baked goods, lemonade, crafts), and make
some money that way.
Linda
<freepsgal@...> wrote:
>day
> My son has always had a passion for Legos. He spends time every
> on the internet searching for kits to buy. In fact, that was howhe
> learned how to surf the net! *laugh* My problem though is that Iand
> cannot buy every kit he yearns for. We've talked about the costs
> he understands that I buy him kits when I have the money to do so,but
> he is always focused on "the next kit" rather than the new thinghe
> might have just gotten. Has anyone experienced this? He's only 9do
> years old so I don't know how to help him make money. He asks to
> special jobs around the house to make money and I try, but I onlyhave
> so much cash available to give to him whether or not he's willingto
> work. Does that make sense? Any suggestions?Don't forget to check out garage sales -- we've gotten some great
>
> Beth M.
>
buys there! (BTW, my son isn't the only lego fiend here -- my dh
never had any as a child, and really loves them! I always said it
was dangerous -- a child with a credit card....)
Oh, and for making money, have a garage sale, and maybe he can have
made something to sell (baked goods, lemonade, crafts), and make
some money that way.
Linda
trektheory
--- In [email protected], "Pampered Chef Michelle"
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
cylinder pneumatic engine. Catapults, of course, lego mindstorms,
etc. Boy, it's a good thing we have a child for him to play
with.... ;-)
I like the alien tourists, myself.
BTW, my family seems to have multiple passions, and we cycle
around. The Legos have been packed away for a while, and Runescape
is the guys current passion -- and fencing added in for my son. I'm
so busy trying to make sure my first issue of the local hs
newsletter is as perfect as I can make it that I can't even think
about any other passions.... ;-)
Linda
<pamperedmichelle@...> wrote:
>when he was
>
> I live with a 41 yo Legomaniac. He still has Legos that he had
> a kid. He has SO many Star Wars Legos I can't count them. Hebuilds his
> kits though and puts them out to show. He isn't interested inbuilding them
> and taking them apart and building them again (or buildingsomething
> different.)Mine is 46 -- but he does build new things. He once built a 4
cylinder pneumatic engine. Catapults, of course, lego mindstorms,
etc. Boy, it's a good thing we have a child for him to play
with.... ;-)
>So he is always thinking of that "next kit." His dream is toto go to
> own the $300 Star Destroyer. When we go to Disney World we *have*
> the Lego Store at Downtown Disney because he has to see if theyhave
> anything he can't get locally (they always do) and to drool overthe Star
> Destroyer.We used to live not too far from there, and went down periodically.
I like the alien tourists, myself.
BTW, my family seems to have multiple passions, and we cycle
around. The Legos have been packed away for a while, and Runescape
is the guys current passion -- and fencing added in for my son. I'm
so busy trying to make sure my first issue of the local hs
newsletter is as perfect as I can make it that I can't even think
about any other passions.... ;-)
Linda
Vijay Owens
I mostly lurk here, but I had to chime in: maybe if he's interested,
you can help him find other Lego-obsessed kids (unschooled or
otherwise) who can all form some kind of Lego club?
They can email each other or write to each other to talk about Lego,
trade or sell old kits that they are done using, brainstorm ways to
afford new kits, etc. Maybe even learn about other interesting
activities besides Lego from each other?
In fact, check this out:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/homeschoolingboys/
Partial Description:
BOYS... whether you have one, two, three or more --- this is the spot
to discuss their special needs. You know, like LEGOS!
Click HERE for our website! (www.homeschoolingBOYS.com)
To join our group you should be either homeschooling or VERY involved
in your son's education. And you need to be able to identify what
phrases like "dog pawing" mean. Hint: it's Lego-related.
There are almost 2,000 members!
Just a thought,
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, almost 3, and Violet almost 1
you can help him find other Lego-obsessed kids (unschooled or
otherwise) who can all form some kind of Lego club?
They can email each other or write to each other to talk about Lego,
trade or sell old kits that they are done using, brainstorm ways to
afford new kits, etc. Maybe even learn about other interesting
activities besides Lego from each other?
In fact, check this out:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/homeschoolingboys/
Partial Description:
BOYS... whether you have one, two, three or more --- this is the spot
to discuss their special needs. You know, like LEGOS!
Click HERE for our website! (www.homeschoolingBOYS.com)
To join our group you should be either homeschooling or VERY involved
in your son's education. And you need to be able to identify what
phrases like "dog pawing" mean. Hint: it's Lego-related.
There are almost 2,000 members!
Just a thought,
-Vijay
SAHM to Charlotte, almost 3, and Violet almost 1
On May 15, 2006, at 9:40 AM, Marie Pressman wrote:
> Do I know all about your problem! My son is also nine. Once the kit
> is
> built, he's onto how he can get the next. We have quite a
> collection. Not
> to mention a box full of Lego pieces.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stacey Brumfield
Ok, I just joined last night, but had to throw in my 2
cents. Have you tried groups like freecycle? Might
help out a little. Hth, Stacy :)
--- [email protected]
<vijayowens@...> wrote:
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
cents. Have you tried groups like freecycle? Might
help out a little. Hth, Stacy :)
--- [email protected]
<vijayowens@...> wrote:
> I mostly lurk here, but I had to chime in: maybe ifhe's interested,
> you can help him find other Lego-obsessed kids(unschooled or
> otherwise) who can all form some kind of Lego club?talk about Lego,
>
> They can email each other or write to each other to
> trade or sell old kits that they are done using,brainstorm ways to
> afford new kits, etc. Maybe even learn about otherinteresting
> activities besides Lego from each other?this is the spot
>
> In fact, check this out:
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/homeschoolingboys/
> Partial Description:
> BOYS... whether you have one, two, three or more ---
> to discuss their special needs. You know, likeLEGOS!
> Click HERE for our website!(www.homeschoolingBOYS.com)
> To join our group you should be either homeschoolingor VERY involved
> in your son's education. And you need to be able toidentify what
> phrases like "dog pawing" mean. Hint: it'sLego-related.
>nine. Once the ki
> There are almost 2,000 members!
>
> Just a thought,
>
> -Vijay
> SAHM to Charlotte, almost 3, and Violet almost 1
>
> On May 15, 2006, at 9:40 AM, Marie Pressman wrote:
>
> > Do I know all about your problem! My son is also
> thave quite a
> > is
> > built, he's onto how he can get the next. We
> > collection. Notremoved]
> > to mention a box full of Lego pieces.
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been
>__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
Pamela Sorooshian
On May 15, 2006, at 6:40 AM, Marie Pressman wrote:
Funny thing to say on a list that is pretty much devoted to
continuing "attachment parenting" throughout a child's life, huh?
But, if a parent is getting frustrated and exhausted over truly not
being able to immediately satisfy a child's wants, that parent won't
be able to think as creatively and productively as possible AND
you're modeling getting frustrated and exhausted over life's
inevitable difficulties, rather than modeling serene acceptance and
thoughtful creative thinking.
We don't advocate setting up artificial limits just to "teach a
lesson," but this is real life we're talking about if you're up
against real budget constraints - so, that's the time to empathize:
"I sure WISH we could buy every single kit in the whole world, I
wonder if they'd all fit in our house - maybe we'd have to build a
house JUST for all the kits!" or "Imagine if we could spend ALL our
money as fast as we can and we'd still always have more to spend when
we want it!"
And then you let go of your own frustration and unhappiness EVEN if
he is still frustrated and unhappy - you don't help him handle it by
taking on HIS reactions.
If he comes up with ideas, you find ways to support them. And if you
can come up with ideas, offer them.
When we've had situations like this - for us, it was each girl
hitting 13 or so, suddenly becoming interested in clothes and wanting
to spend a lot more money on clothes than we'd spent before. The
kids, who had always been easy to please and not really pushing our
budget constraints too hard, suddenly were frustrated and unhappy
with the money limits we were up against. The first two times (with
the first two kids), it took me by surprise and it wasn't until "I"
was frustrated and tired of it that I realized what was going on -
when we were out together they were constantly asking for this shirt
or that skirt or that scarf or earrings or ..... and I was constantly
having to make what seemed like very arbitrary decisions about
whether or not we could afford it. For SURE we could have afforded
any of the individual items - it was the quantity of items that we
couldn't possible afford. So it seemed very confusing to the kid -
one day we'd be somewhere and see some cute earrings and I'd say,
"Sure, go ahead and get them," and another day I'd say, "We really
can't afford them." "I" knew when money had been flowing out a lot -
if we'd eaten out a lot that week or had some car repairs or even if
her sisters had spent more money than usual in the previous few days,
etc., but that kind of constant awareness of how much money we were
spending, as a family, wasn't part of my young teenage daughter's
internal knowledge base, like it was mine. So, not knowing when it
was going to be okay to buy and when it wasn't, they were asking to
buy everything, hoping this would be one of the, "Sure, buy it," times.
This was EASILY resolved by giving the kids a lot more control over
the money. We talked about how much she thought was reasonable,
"Well, I think it would be reasonable to buy one big thing and maybe
3 smaller things in a month." So we figured out how much money it
would take for those things. If it had been too much, we'd have
talked about that -- but she was very reasonable - in fact it was
much less than what we WERE actually spending. So I got to be
generous and say, "Well, let's give you that much plus $10 more each
month and then you buy all your own clothes and accessories out of
that. That'll be your budget, so you can save it and buy more
expensive things or spend it on little things or spend it on other
things or whatever you want." We agreed that she wouldn't ASK for us
to buy her clothes that she couldn't afford, but that we reserved the
right to buy her gifts of clothing and jewelry if WE wanted to do so.
I cannot tell you how well this worked - it was amazing. I hadn't
realized the background dread I'd been feeling of having to
constantly decide whether or not we could afford something and how I
had been so often in the position of judging whether or not something
my daughter wanted to purchase was worth the money. Now I didn't have
to think do that because SHE would decide if she wanted to buy it or
not and I could give her advice, but I didn't have to feel
responsible for her decisions. I gave advice like I would to my
friend or sister - we could be out together and have fun again!!
So - I'm thinking you need a lego budget and he needs to keep track
of it so that he knows when he's choosing one kit that means he'll
have to wait until next month for another one. Or he knows that if he
wants that really huge expensive kit, he'll have to not buy a smaller
one right now and save that money to combine with next month's money
to afford the really big kit.
Also - about him making money - he might need to come up with the
idea himself, to be committed to doing it, and you both might need to
work on your creative thinking abilities -- there are most definitely
ways a kid can make some money and, once the two of you have come up
with some that are doable for him, then he can choose to work on the
money-making or not buy so many kits - either way, his choice and you
don't need to feel further guilt about not having an infinite amount
of money to pay for everything he might want.
To help with creative thinking:
One way to come up with more possible options is to come up with a
list of ANY options, no matter how impossible they seem and then
modify them like this example:
One idea off the list: I could mow lawns.
(Maybe that's not truly feasible - you don't have a lawnmower, the
kid is really too young for it to be safe, neighbors all have
gardeners, etc.)
So you say, "If not "mow" then ________." Fill in the blanks with
some words - have fun with it by starting with goofy ideas because
that helps get the creative juices flowing:
wash, cut with scissors, cut with a tractor, shave with a razor,
water, fertilize, pull weeds out, rake .....
Try another one of the words, "If not "lawn," then ___________." Fill
in the blank - again, have fun.
sidewalk, ice, leaves, street, porch, swimming pool, etc.
Now put those two lists into the original idea -
I could wash the leaves.
I could shave the ice with a razor.
I could water the sidewalk.
I could fertilize the swimming pool.
I could pull weeds out of the porch.
And in the middle of all that, you are likely to hear:
HEY - maybe I really COULD water lawns or rake leaves or clean
swimming pools, mom!
If nothing jumps out - use another one of the original ideas off the
list and run through the same FUN process.
Last thing - you don't have to come up with an answer right then -
you'll have started the thinking process and you might need to let it
rattle around in your heads, not focusing on it for a while (day or
days) and then, suddenly, something will pop into your heads.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> MyPractice a little detachment.
> son always has a hole burning in his pocket and desparately wants
> to make
> money but never wants to work very hard for it. I find it very
> frustrating
> and exhausting.
Funny thing to say on a list that is pretty much devoted to
continuing "attachment parenting" throughout a child's life, huh?
But, if a parent is getting frustrated and exhausted over truly not
being able to immediately satisfy a child's wants, that parent won't
be able to think as creatively and productively as possible AND
you're modeling getting frustrated and exhausted over life's
inevitable difficulties, rather than modeling serene acceptance and
thoughtful creative thinking.
We don't advocate setting up artificial limits just to "teach a
lesson," but this is real life we're talking about if you're up
against real budget constraints - so, that's the time to empathize:
"I sure WISH we could buy every single kit in the whole world, I
wonder if they'd all fit in our house - maybe we'd have to build a
house JUST for all the kits!" or "Imagine if we could spend ALL our
money as fast as we can and we'd still always have more to spend when
we want it!"
And then you let go of your own frustration and unhappiness EVEN if
he is still frustrated and unhappy - you don't help him handle it by
taking on HIS reactions.
If he comes up with ideas, you find ways to support them. And if you
can come up with ideas, offer them.
When we've had situations like this - for us, it was each girl
hitting 13 or so, suddenly becoming interested in clothes and wanting
to spend a lot more money on clothes than we'd spent before. The
kids, who had always been easy to please and not really pushing our
budget constraints too hard, suddenly were frustrated and unhappy
with the money limits we were up against. The first two times (with
the first two kids), it took me by surprise and it wasn't until "I"
was frustrated and tired of it that I realized what was going on -
when we were out together they were constantly asking for this shirt
or that skirt or that scarf or earrings or ..... and I was constantly
having to make what seemed like very arbitrary decisions about
whether or not we could afford it. For SURE we could have afforded
any of the individual items - it was the quantity of items that we
couldn't possible afford. So it seemed very confusing to the kid -
one day we'd be somewhere and see some cute earrings and I'd say,
"Sure, go ahead and get them," and another day I'd say, "We really
can't afford them." "I" knew when money had been flowing out a lot -
if we'd eaten out a lot that week or had some car repairs or even if
her sisters had spent more money than usual in the previous few days,
etc., but that kind of constant awareness of how much money we were
spending, as a family, wasn't part of my young teenage daughter's
internal knowledge base, like it was mine. So, not knowing when it
was going to be okay to buy and when it wasn't, they were asking to
buy everything, hoping this would be one of the, "Sure, buy it," times.
This was EASILY resolved by giving the kids a lot more control over
the money. We talked about how much she thought was reasonable,
"Well, I think it would be reasonable to buy one big thing and maybe
3 smaller things in a month." So we figured out how much money it
would take for those things. If it had been too much, we'd have
talked about that -- but she was very reasonable - in fact it was
much less than what we WERE actually spending. So I got to be
generous and say, "Well, let's give you that much plus $10 more each
month and then you buy all your own clothes and accessories out of
that. That'll be your budget, so you can save it and buy more
expensive things or spend it on little things or spend it on other
things or whatever you want." We agreed that she wouldn't ASK for us
to buy her clothes that she couldn't afford, but that we reserved the
right to buy her gifts of clothing and jewelry if WE wanted to do so.
I cannot tell you how well this worked - it was amazing. I hadn't
realized the background dread I'd been feeling of having to
constantly decide whether or not we could afford something and how I
had been so often in the position of judging whether or not something
my daughter wanted to purchase was worth the money. Now I didn't have
to think do that because SHE would decide if she wanted to buy it or
not and I could give her advice, but I didn't have to feel
responsible for her decisions. I gave advice like I would to my
friend or sister - we could be out together and have fun again!!
So - I'm thinking you need a lego budget and he needs to keep track
of it so that he knows when he's choosing one kit that means he'll
have to wait until next month for another one. Or he knows that if he
wants that really huge expensive kit, he'll have to not buy a smaller
one right now and save that money to combine with next month's money
to afford the really big kit.
Also - about him making money - he might need to come up with the
idea himself, to be committed to doing it, and you both might need to
work on your creative thinking abilities -- there are most definitely
ways a kid can make some money and, once the two of you have come up
with some that are doable for him, then he can choose to work on the
money-making or not buy so many kits - either way, his choice and you
don't need to feel further guilt about not having an infinite amount
of money to pay for everything he might want.
To help with creative thinking:
One way to come up with more possible options is to come up with a
list of ANY options, no matter how impossible they seem and then
modify them like this example:
One idea off the list: I could mow lawns.
(Maybe that's not truly feasible - you don't have a lawnmower, the
kid is really too young for it to be safe, neighbors all have
gardeners, etc.)
So you say, "If not "mow" then ________." Fill in the blanks with
some words - have fun with it by starting with goofy ideas because
that helps get the creative juices flowing:
wash, cut with scissors, cut with a tractor, shave with a razor,
water, fertilize, pull weeds out, rake .....
Try another one of the words, "If not "lawn," then ___________." Fill
in the blank - again, have fun.
sidewalk, ice, leaves, street, porch, swimming pool, etc.
Now put those two lists into the original idea -
I could wash the leaves.
I could shave the ice with a razor.
I could water the sidewalk.
I could fertilize the swimming pool.
I could pull weeds out of the porch.
And in the middle of all that, you are likely to hear:
HEY - maybe I really COULD water lawns or rake leaves or clean
swimming pools, mom!
If nothing jumps out - use another one of the original ideas off the
list and run through the same FUN process.
Last thing - you don't have to come up with an answer right then -
you'll have started the thinking process and you might need to let it
rattle around in your heads, not focusing on it for a while (day or
days) and then, suddenly, something will pop into your heads.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
freepsgal
> Make a list. Prioritize it. Set aside x amount of money toward itThanks Deb. We've sort of done this. We too give a free and clear
allowance when my DH gets paid twice a month. Unfortunately, my ds
just cannot save and ends up spending his allowance on something
smaller and then regrets it later. I've tried to remind him of this
and work with him but I don't think I'm approaching it right because
it's still an issue for him. He also gets mad at his sister, my dd8,
for having too much money. She never has anything to buy and enjoys
just watching her little bank account (ATM style bank in her rom)
grow.
I'm wondering if putting it in writing might help. Instead of just
giving him cash, maybe I could give him a check register. Hmm... I'll
have to talk to him about that and see if that might help things.
Beth M.
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 15, 2006, at 3:42 PM, freepsgal wrote:
*so* many things in the world that she wanted, most of them expensive
(like video games). Saving she knew was pointless because by the time
she had saved up for one thing, there were five more things on her
list that she wanted. Even getting a big windfall of money for
birthday or Christmas wasn't helpful. It just put a dent into her list.
It sounds like I was more able to help her cash wise but honestly it
didn't help. There was always more she wanted. The thing that solved
it was time, unfortunately. I know it's frustrating. The best I could
do was sympathize.
About the beginning of puberty 10-11? maybe 12? she outgrew it. Her
interests changed. She just stopped needing so much.
So I think don't get so frustrated with yourself at not being able to
explain it to him. I certainly tried dozens of ways with Kathryn.
Even though she understood the concept of saving and that money was
finite (and the world of stuff practically infinite) none of that
made the feelings inside of her go away. The only thing that did that
was time.
Maybe he'll always have an interest in Legos but I suspect as puberty
approaches his interest will become more focused and doable rather
than feeling like there's a big bottomless pit inside him that keeps
swallowing everything that goes in.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Unfortunately, my dsMy daughter went through this same issue at that same age. There were
> just cannot save and ends up spending his allowance on something
> smaller and then regrets it later. I've tried to remind him of this
> and work with him but I don't think I'm approaching it right because
> it's still an issue for him. He also gets mad at his sister, my dd8,
> for having too much money.
*so* many things in the world that she wanted, most of them expensive
(like video games). Saving she knew was pointless because by the time
she had saved up for one thing, there were five more things on her
list that she wanted. Even getting a big windfall of money for
birthday or Christmas wasn't helpful. It just put a dent into her list.
It sounds like I was more able to help her cash wise but honestly it
didn't help. There was always more she wanted. The thing that solved
it was time, unfortunately. I know it's frustrating. The best I could
do was sympathize.
About the beginning of puberty 10-11? maybe 12? she outgrew it. Her
interests changed. She just stopped needing so much.
So I think don't get so frustrated with yourself at not being able to
explain it to him. I certainly tried dozens of ways with Kathryn.
Even though she understood the concept of saving and that money was
finite (and the world of stuff practically infinite) none of that
made the feelings inside of her go away. The only thing that did that
was time.
Maybe he'll always have an interest in Legos but I suspect as puberty
approaches his interest will become more focused and doable rather
than feeling like there's a big bottomless pit inside him that keeps
swallowing everything that goes in.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Deb
Something that "money experts" (those folks that try to help
compulsive spenders and deep-in-debt type folks) talk about is using
the wish list to prioritize things - if you want something, don't
just run out and buy it. Put it on the list. List cannot hold more
than x items (3 or 6 or so - fairly small number). Each item gets
tagged with the cost and where it can be obtained - researching
where to find things is important, sometimes you can find stuff
cheaper online for example - so you'd order it and your child would
pay whatever you paid for it (since they aren't typically allowed to
purchase things online without your consent). If a new thing arises,
something has to come off the list, research occurs, and so on.
Also, maybe he'd be amenable to your keeping 10% or whatever of his
allowance in a separate "pile" for saving purposes - maybe even a
bona fide savings account in his name (and yours). He can get money
out, put money in, maybe even make a tidbit of interest. That way
he'd have some $ for day to day stuff and some set aside for larger
purchases.
Before we started giving DS his allowance, something happened that
convinced us we probably should start giving him an allowance (we
had been pondering it already but this kick started things): he got
a $100 VISA gift card for Christmas. We went to Best Buy (his
choice - videogames, Gameboy stuff, movies, music, all in one
place). We went into the store - I was carrying pen and paper per
his request. He'd point out stuff he wanted, I'd note the item and
price. I figured we'd then stand there and he'd pick what he wanted.
I was wrong. He said "Let's go out to the car" so we did. While DH
was inside buying something with HIS Christmas giftcard, DS and I
sat in the vehicle prioritizing and re-organizing the list until DS
had it sorted out the way he wanted, most bang for the buck style.
Then we headed back inside. I figured Okay NOW he's going to run
down the list until the money runs out. Wrong again. He picked out
one item from the top 3 on the list (a DVD set that ran on the
expensive side at something like $30) and said "Okay let's go pay
for this." I reminded him that he still had "lots" more money on the
card and more items on the list. He said "Yeah, but this is all I
want to get right now" and off we went. Over the next month or two,
he did spend everything on the card but it went -slowly-, way slower
than I could've managed for sure LOL. And it wasn't for lack of
transportation - if he wanted to go shop and we had the time
available (which is most of the time), off we went.
However, people are all different. Some spend, some save, some learn
to save, some have to learn to spend. Helping our kids to be wise
savers AND wise spenders is the balancing act.
--Deb
compulsive spenders and deep-in-debt type folks) talk about is using
the wish list to prioritize things - if you want something, don't
just run out and buy it. Put it on the list. List cannot hold more
than x items (3 or 6 or so - fairly small number). Each item gets
tagged with the cost and where it can be obtained - researching
where to find things is important, sometimes you can find stuff
cheaper online for example - so you'd order it and your child would
pay whatever you paid for it (since they aren't typically allowed to
purchase things online without your consent). If a new thing arises,
something has to come off the list, research occurs, and so on.
Also, maybe he'd be amenable to your keeping 10% or whatever of his
allowance in a separate "pile" for saving purposes - maybe even a
bona fide savings account in his name (and yours). He can get money
out, put money in, maybe even make a tidbit of interest. That way
he'd have some $ for day to day stuff and some set aside for larger
purchases.
Before we started giving DS his allowance, something happened that
convinced us we probably should start giving him an allowance (we
had been pondering it already but this kick started things): he got
a $100 VISA gift card for Christmas. We went to Best Buy (his
choice - videogames, Gameboy stuff, movies, music, all in one
place). We went into the store - I was carrying pen and paper per
his request. He'd point out stuff he wanted, I'd note the item and
price. I figured we'd then stand there and he'd pick what he wanted.
I was wrong. He said "Let's go out to the car" so we did. While DH
was inside buying something with HIS Christmas giftcard, DS and I
sat in the vehicle prioritizing and re-organizing the list until DS
had it sorted out the way he wanted, most bang for the buck style.
Then we headed back inside. I figured Okay NOW he's going to run
down the list until the money runs out. Wrong again. He picked out
one item from the top 3 on the list (a DVD set that ran on the
expensive side at something like $30) and said "Okay let's go pay
for this." I reminded him that he still had "lots" more money on the
card and more items on the list. He said "Yeah, but this is all I
want to get right now" and off we went. Over the next month or two,
he did spend everything on the card but it went -slowly-, way slower
than I could've managed for sure LOL. And it wasn't for lack of
transportation - if he wanted to go shop and we had the time
available (which is most of the time), off we went.
However, people are all different. Some spend, some save, some learn
to save, some have to learn to spend. Helping our kids to be wise
savers AND wise spenders is the balancing act.
--Deb
marji
At 16:41 5/15/2006, Deb wrote:
~marji, impressed!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>...He said "Yeah, but this is all IWow. When I grow up, I wanna be just like your son!
>want to get right now" and off we went. Over the next month or two,
>he did spend everything on the card but it went -slowly-, way slower
>than I could've managed for sure...
~marji, impressed!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Paige
> When we've had situations like this - for us, it was each girlwanting
> hitting 13 or so, suddenly becoming interested in clothes and
> to spend a lot more money on clothes than we'd spent before. TheI was actually considering posting about this exact thing a couple
> kids, who had always been easy to please and not really pushing our
> budget constraints too hard, suddenly were frustrated and unhappy
> with the money limits we were up against.
days ago! It suddenly occured to me my girls will eventually want
more and better clothes than I can afford. Right now, all they and
their friends compare are pets...who has what and who has more. I
know that will change before long, my oldest is already 10. Now they
don't really think about their clothes...oh how quickly that will
change! Thanks for giving me some thoughts on questions I haven't
even asked yet!
Paige, wishing her DH would stop practicing his violin before she
SCREAMS!
freepsgal
Thank you for all the responses! Jeffrey and I have some 'figuring'
to do with all the great suggestions. We'll see what he chooses to
do. BTW, he is a bargain hunter. I mentioned that he spends time
online every day looking up new kits to buy. He has found discount
places and he absolutely loves ebay. In fact, we just lost a bid
today on a Lego kit he really wanted. I was worried he'd be really
disappointed but he was actually fine and said it was no big deal as
he'd keep checking for another auction for the same item. Pretty cool!
Beth M.
to do with all the great suggestions. We'll see what he chooses to
do. BTW, he is a bargain hunter. I mentioned that he spends time
online every day looking up new kits to buy. He has found discount
places and he absolutely loves ebay. In fact, we just lost a bid
today on a Lego kit he really wanted. I was worried he'd be really
disappointed but he was actually fine and said it was no big deal as
he'd keep checking for another auction for the same item. Pretty cool!
Beth M.
Misty Felner
>>He's only 9 years old so I don't know how to help him make money.With the summer coming up maybe he could do a lemonade stand or the like.
Another option is dog walking. I think I was even pet sitting by about 10.
Maybe just posting signs in your neighborhood about local neighbor needing
help making money. There's lots of odd jobs he could do that some people
can't or don't like to do. Weeding comes to mind.
Misty
Misty Felner
Ok, I just read Marie's post and an idea popped in my head. Would it be
possible to do a Lego swap? I've heard of people doing it for puzzles and
books. Sorry if someone already posted these ideas I'm a little behind.
I'll try and finish before posting anymore.
Misty
possible to do a Lego swap? I've heard of people doing it for puzzles and
books. Sorry if someone already posted these ideas I'm a little behind.
I'll try and finish before posting anymore.
Misty
freepsgal
> Would it be possible to do a Lego swap? I've heard of people doingSomeone did mention that and I shared the suggestion with my son
> it for puzzles and books.
> Misty
today. He was flabbergasted! *LOL* He wants no part of giving up
any of his Legos!
He started making a list of the Lego kits he wants. He's writing on
lined paper, double spacing, but still filled 3 sheets of paper.
Yikes! *laugh* He then labelled them: A for available, D for
discontinued, E for endangered, and NR for not released. Then he put
a star next to the 3 he wants to find. He was so excited to share his
list with us. We found a special folder for the list and I saw him
walking around with it all day today. :)
Beth M.