Low self-esteem & Agression
sandralzires
Good morning all,
I need some advice regarding my son who is 7yrs old. I recently
took him out of PS because I knew it was not the place for him.
Ever since he was a toddler I struggled with his behavior. Over the
years, I learned that much of our conflicts revolved around our
temperaments. Back then I was totally clueless about things like
spiritual development and child rearing. My son's personality was
shaped amidst negativity and disrespect-something I am working
diligently to rectify now. Unfortunately, my husband has not made
the same choice. He continues to speak to our children
disrespectfully.
Now here's the challenge.
My son is wonderful and I love him dearly. His behavior on the
other hand, is very difficult. He argues with me on every point. I
feel like he's a teenager already. All he wants to eat is cereal
and other carbs. I know most of you are thinking that I should let
him and let him discover how his diet effects him, but..there are
others in the house that suffer when his behavior is out of
control.
He is constantly hitting and pinching his sister (5). I can't
imagine letting him eat what ever he wants and letting him decide
when to go to bed. Lack of sleep makes him even more irritable,
which increases the likelihood that he will verbally or physically
abusive to us.
I'm pretty sure that his self-esteem is low due to all the trouble
he has gotten into regarding his aggression. Over the years I have
read all kinds of parenting books that gave me contradictory
advice. All that flip-flopping was confusing I'm sure.
Now, I try to involve myself in my children's interactions and to
keep them busy. That seems to cut down on volitility, however I
can't get much done if I'm playing "pioneer" with them All day. So,
what I'm looking for here is some advice on how to respect his
choices, help him learn his body's needs and keep the rest of us
safe. Thanks,
Sandra
I need some advice regarding my son who is 7yrs old. I recently
took him out of PS because I knew it was not the place for him.
Ever since he was a toddler I struggled with his behavior. Over the
years, I learned that much of our conflicts revolved around our
temperaments. Back then I was totally clueless about things like
spiritual development and child rearing. My son's personality was
shaped amidst negativity and disrespect-something I am working
diligently to rectify now. Unfortunately, my husband has not made
the same choice. He continues to speak to our children
disrespectfully.
Now here's the challenge.
My son is wonderful and I love him dearly. His behavior on the
other hand, is very difficult. He argues with me on every point. I
feel like he's a teenager already. All he wants to eat is cereal
and other carbs. I know most of you are thinking that I should let
him and let him discover how his diet effects him, but..there are
others in the house that suffer when his behavior is out of
control.
He is constantly hitting and pinching his sister (5). I can't
imagine letting him eat what ever he wants and letting him decide
when to go to bed. Lack of sleep makes him even more irritable,
which increases the likelihood that he will verbally or physically
abusive to us.
I'm pretty sure that his self-esteem is low due to all the trouble
he has gotten into regarding his aggression. Over the years I have
read all kinds of parenting books that gave me contradictory
advice. All that flip-flopping was confusing I'm sure.
Now, I try to involve myself in my children's interactions and to
keep them busy. That seems to cut down on volitility, however I
can't get much done if I'm playing "pioneer" with them All day. So,
what I'm looking for here is some advice on how to respect his
choices, help him learn his body's needs and keep the rest of us
safe. Thanks,
Sandra
trektheory
--- In [email protected], "sandralzires"
<sandralzires@...> wrote:
contrary phase when he was 3.5. If I said there was a nice, blue
sky, he would say, no, it's an ugly green or some such. It DID
improve, and he is now a delightful 14 yr old!) Keep that in mind.
Teens are transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Sometimes they
want to be treated as/act as adults, other times as children. And if
you don't read their minds as to which ... (I've heard this is
especially true with 15 yr old boys, but since mine isn't yet, I
can't say!) Well, toddlers are transitioning between babyhood and
childhood -- and the same thing applies. But worse, they don't have
the verbal and cognitive skills to express themselves appropriately,
and so it sometimes comes out in behavior, or poor word choices.
Another thing to think about -- is he bored? My son, I
retrospectively realized, was probably bored when he had this
contrary behavior. Of course, part of it has been developmental
stage stuff, too.
I do have a carb fiend son, too. However, he also likes cheese and
always has, and now beef jerky, almonds, etc. Can the cereal be
balanced with protein -- milk or some such?
communicate verbally what he is feeling (keep in mind that even very
verbal kids often can't verbalize certain feelings; my son was like
that -- could NOT verbalize negative emotions when he was little)?
Or perhaps she is pushing his buttons? Or something else, or some
combination? Finding out what is causing the behavior makes it
easier to address it.
the flashes of the child you know exists in there. I would try to
find specific instances when he is behaving in a positive manner, or
showing self-control, and specifically praise that. BE SPECIFIC --
otherwise it is meaningless, and he will not respect it. "Wow, I
noticed how hard it was for you to not bite when you really wanted
to." Or whatever is appropriate. But the feedback has to be
specific. "Good job behaving" just won't cut it.
needs to get done so we have clothes to wear. Do you think you could
help me so we can all have more fun together later?"
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I hope you find the
answers you are looking for. And remember, change happens slowly
sometimes, so try not to be discouraged if things don't change
overnight. (Of course, sometimes things go in fits and starts....)
Linda
<sandralzires@...> wrote:
>I
>
> My son is wonderful and I love him dearly. His behavior on the
> other hand, is very difficult. He argues with me on every point.
> feel like he's a teenager already.Most toddlers ARE like the cliche of teens. (My son had that
contrary phase when he was 3.5. If I said there was a nice, blue
sky, he would say, no, it's an ugly green or some such. It DID
improve, and he is now a delightful 14 yr old!) Keep that in mind.
Teens are transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Sometimes they
want to be treated as/act as adults, other times as children. And if
you don't read their minds as to which ... (I've heard this is
especially true with 15 yr old boys, but since mine isn't yet, I
can't say!) Well, toddlers are transitioning between babyhood and
childhood -- and the same thing applies. But worse, they don't have
the verbal and cognitive skills to express themselves appropriately,
and so it sometimes comes out in behavior, or poor word choices.
Another thing to think about -- is he bored? My son, I
retrospectively realized, was probably bored when he had this
contrary behavior. Of course, part of it has been developmental
stage stuff, too.
>All he wants to eat is cerealI will let others address this -- not in my realm of experience, but
> and other carbs. I know most of you are thinking that I should let
> him and let him discover how his diet effects him, but..there are
> others in the house that suffer when his behavior is out of
> control.
I do have a carb fiend son, too. However, he also likes cheese and
always has, and now beef jerky, almonds, etc. Can the cereal be
balanced with protein -- milk or some such?
>What is prompting this behavior? Is it lack of ability to
> He is constantly hitting and pinching his sister (5).
communicate verbally what he is feeling (keep in mind that even very
verbal kids often can't verbalize certain feelings; my son was like
that -- could NOT verbalize negative emotions when he was little)?
Or perhaps she is pushing his buttons? Or something else, or some
combination? Finding out what is causing the behavior makes it
easier to address it.
>And he probably does it so often now, that you find it hard to see
> I'm pretty sure that his self-esteem is low due to all the trouble
> he has gotten into regarding his aggression. Over the years I have
> read all kinds of parenting books that gave me contradictory
> advice. All that flip-flopping was confusing I'm sure.
the flashes of the child you know exists in there. I would try to
find specific instances when he is behaving in a positive manner, or
showing self-control, and specifically praise that. BE SPECIFIC --
otherwise it is meaningless, and he will not respect it. "Wow, I
noticed how hard it was for you to not bite when you really wanted
to." Or whatever is appropriate. But the feedback has to be
specific. "Good job behaving" just won't cut it.
>Enlist there help? "Gee, I wish we could do xxx, but this laundry
> Now, I try to involve myself in my children's interactions and to
> keep them busy. That seems to cut down on volitility, however I
> can't get much done if I'm playing "pioneer" with them All day.
needs to get done so we have clothes to wear. Do you think you could
help me so we can all have more fun together later?"
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I hope you find the
answers you are looking for. And remember, change happens slowly
sometimes, so try not to be discouraged if things don't change
overnight. (Of course, sometimes things go in fits and starts....)
Linda
sandralzires
Thanks for the reply. I think my child may be bored. I noticed that
he tends to get more aggressive when he's been working for too long on
a project or activity. I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I
can't sit and play plastic animals all day. He isn't into board games
or most other things we can do together. I'm open to ways I can get
him to play on his own and learn when he is feeling like he'd like to
clober someone -so he can resist. I'll explore all possibilities at
this point. Thanks again.
Sandra
he tends to get more aggressive when he's been working for too long on
a project or activity. I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I
can't sit and play plastic animals all day. He isn't into board games
or most other things we can do together. I'm open to ways I can get
him to play on his own and learn when he is feeling like he'd like to
clober someone -so he can resist. I'll explore all possibilities at
this point. Thanks again.
Sandra
[email protected]
>>Now, I try to involve myself in my children's interactions and tokeep them busy. That seems to cut down on volitility, however I
can't get much done if I'm playing "pioneer" with them All day. >>
But you are getting something done and it's something VERY important. You're actively parenting your beautiful children. You're modeling a peaceful way to get along. You're engaging their minds and redirecting wayward energies. You're filling their time with interesting things so that they have less boredom and frustration to fight about. That's unschooling! The laundry, dishes, vacuuming and shopping can wait.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "sandralzires" <sandralzires@...>
[email protected]
>>I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I can't sit and play plastic animals all day. >>Why not? Maybe the plastic animals can help you both go on a hunt for laundry, or climb through play-doh mountains, or swim in a shark infested bathtub or even devour some freshly baked brownies. Plastic animals just love to go the park and get covered up with sand. They like sliding down the slide and going on treasure hunts in the grassy jungles of a backyard. They can play hide and seek, catch or skateboard.
Your imagination is the best toy you've got! Don't forget to dust it off and use it.
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "sandralzires" <sandralzires@...>
sandralzires
Thank you all very much. I'll work on all your wonderful ideas.
Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I think I might go
mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love to interact with
my children but I confess I get really bored without adult
interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
with an unschooling group. Thanks again for the advice I'll put to
to good use, promise!
Sandra
d --- In [email protected], zenmomma@... wrote:
infested bathtub or even devour some freshly baked brownies. Plastic
animals just love to go the park and get covered up with sand. They
like sliding down the slide and going on treasure hunts in the
grassy jungles of a backyard. They can play hide and seek, catch or
skateboard.
Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I think I might go
mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love to interact with
my children but I confess I get really bored without adult
interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
with an unschooling group. Thanks again for the advice I'll put to
to good use, promise!
Sandra
d --- In [email protected], zenmomma@... wrote:
>plastic animals all day. >>
> >>I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I can't sit and play
>for laundry, or climb through play-doh mountains, or swim in a shark
> Why not? Maybe the plastic animals can help you both go on a hunt
infested bathtub or even devour some freshly baked brownies. Plastic
animals just love to go the park and get covered up with sand. They
like sliding down the slide and going on treasure hunts in the
grassy jungles of a backyard. They can play hide and seek, catch or
skateboard.
>it off and use it.
> Your imagination is the best toy you've got! Don't forget to dust
>truly
> --
> ~Mary
> http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
>
> "The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
> green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling
> alive."
> ~Thich Nhat Hanh
>
> -------------- Original message ----------------------
> From: "sandralzires" <sandralzires@...>
>
jsnhawkins
--- In [email protected], "sandralzires"
<sandralzires@...> wrote:
that's not next door, but maybe if we could find some more middle TN
unschoolers we could get a group together!
Betsy
<sandralzires@...> wrote:
>Hey Sandra, I'm just about 50 miles east of you in Woodbury,TN. I know
> As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
> in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
> with an unschooling group.
>
that's not next door, but maybe if we could find some more middle TN
unschoolers we could get a group together!
Betsy
Manisha Kher
--- sandralzires <sandralzires@...> wrote:
homeschoolers at park days. They're not all
unschoolers, but our kids play well together and the
parents get a chance to talk with other adults. We
also have lots of playdates with some of the same
people.
This may not work very well when school consumes more
time for school-at-homers. But at least at young ages
they seem to be done with school stuff by noon.
Manisha
__________________________________________________
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> Thank you all very much. I'll work on all yourWhat has worked very well for us is meeting other
> wonderful ideas.
> Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I
> think I might go
> mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love
> to interact with
> my children but I confess I get really bored without
> adult
> interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not
> very common here
> in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular
> get togethers
> with an unschooling group.
homeschoolers at park days. They're not all
unschoolers, but our kids play well together and the
parents get a chance to talk with other adults. We
also have lots of playdates with some of the same
people.
This may not work very well when school consumes more
time for school-at-homers. But at least at young ages
they seem to be done with school stuff by noon.
Manisha
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: sandralzires <sandralzires@...>
Thank you all very much. I'll work on all your wonderful ideas.
Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I think I might go
mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love to interact with
my children but I confess I get really bored without adult
interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
with an unschooling group. Thanks again for the advice I'll put to
to good use, promise!
-=-=-
I'm not a "player"---I don't enjoy dolls or trains or video games or
anything that requires getting on the floor and playing make-believe.
Hate it.
I enjoy doing "real" things with the boys. I have no problem cooking
with them, reading to them, talking with them, doing art, watching
movies, playing board games, going places, DOing things---but Barbies?
Shoot me! (Now, I realize playing with Barbies or Brio is
"real"---don't get me wrong. It's just not *my* kind of play.)
Luckily, Ben likes all that and would play with match box cars or with
Brio or with the Batman figures for hours. Whew! <g>
But mine never needed me *all* day---they both could play for a few
hours alone. Plus, we always have kids in & out of here, so they had
playmates. I have two adult friends that come by for afternoon tea
regularly---and we have parties here---well, two or three (or more) a
month. My problem was more of having time all alone! <g>
As for unschooling groups: if you build it, they wil come.
Make an effort *yourself* to organize one---you'll be surprised how
many there probably are just around the corner!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
From: sandralzires <sandralzires@...>
Thank you all very much. I'll work on all your wonderful ideas.
Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I think I might go
mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love to interact with
my children but I confess I get really bored without adult
interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
with an unschooling group. Thanks again for the advice I'll put to
to good use, promise!
-=-=-
I'm not a "player"---I don't enjoy dolls or trains or video games or
anything that requires getting on the floor and playing make-believe.
Hate it.
I enjoy doing "real" things with the boys. I have no problem cooking
with them, reading to them, talking with them, doing art, watching
movies, playing board games, going places, DOing things---but Barbies?
Shoot me! (Now, I realize playing with Barbies or Brio is
"real"---don't get me wrong. It's just not *my* kind of play.)
Luckily, Ben likes all that and would play with match box cars or with
Brio or with the Batman figures for hours. Whew! <g>
But mine never needed me *all* day---they both could play for a few
hours alone. Plus, we always have kids in & out of here, so they had
playmates. I have two adult friends that come by for afternoon tea
regularly---and we have parties here---well, two or three (or more) a
month. My problem was more of having time all alone! <g>
As for unschooling groups: if you build it, they wil come.
Make an effort *yourself* to organize one---you'll be surprised how
many there probably are just around the corner!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
[email protected]
>>As for unschooling groups: if you build it, they will come.>>I was going to say the same thing! I started my group in September of 2004. I knew of only one other unschooling family in town and we decided to see if we could find some others. My Yahoo list for the group now has 73 members. We have a weekly park day and it's always well attended. My kids love it.
Go for it!
--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: kbcdlovejo@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
-----Original Message-----
From: sandralzires <sandralzires@...>
My son is wonderful and I love him dearly. His behavior on the
other hand, is very difficult. He argues with me on every point. I
feel like he's a teenager already. All he wants to eat is cereal
and other carbs. I know most of you are thinking that I should let
him and let him discover how his diet effects him, but..there are
others in the house that suffer when his behavior is out of
control.
-=-=-=-
No, I'm thinking that you should help him understand how different
foods effect his body. Not just let him loose to figure it out on his
own. Help him!
-=-=-=-
He is constantly hitting and pinching his sister (5). I can't
imagine letting him eat what ever he wants and letting him decide
when to go to bed. Lack of sleep makes him even more irritable,
which increases the likelihood that he will verbally or physically
abusive to us.
-=-=-=-=-=-
How about offering a large sampling of *many* different foods. Chances
are he'll eat all the carbs first, at first. But if you make a large
platter with rolled up meats, sliced cheeses, peanut butter on
crackers, grapes, baby carrots with dill dip, pickles, and a handful of
M&Ms, he'll probably eat some/most of the other stuff after eating the
M&Ms. (This was what was on a monkey platter here the other day. Only a
couple of pickles came back to the kitchen.)
How about drawing him a warm bath, making him a cup of hot chocolate,
turning down the lights, rubbing his feet with oil or lotion, and
snuggling up with a gentle book/music/movie.
We're not advocating just cutting out sleep and good foods. We're
suggesting that you make the environment *right*. Nutricious food and a
sleepy atmosphere will lead to a happier child.
-=-=-=-=-
I'm pretty sure that his self-esteem is low due to all the trouble
he has gotten into regarding his aggression. Over the years I have
read all kinds of parenting books that gave me contradictory
advice. All that flip-flopping was confusing I'm sure.
-=-=-=-
And we're saying to just love him up all you can. Make his life one
*you*'d like.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
From: sandralzires <sandralzires@...>
My son is wonderful and I love him dearly. His behavior on the
other hand, is very difficult. He argues with me on every point. I
feel like he's a teenager already. All he wants to eat is cereal
and other carbs. I know most of you are thinking that I should let
him and let him discover how his diet effects him, but..there are
others in the house that suffer when his behavior is out of
control.
-=-=-=-
No, I'm thinking that you should help him understand how different
foods effect his body. Not just let him loose to figure it out on his
own. Help him!
-=-=-=-
He is constantly hitting and pinching his sister (5). I can't
imagine letting him eat what ever he wants and letting him decide
when to go to bed. Lack of sleep makes him even more irritable,
which increases the likelihood that he will verbally or physically
abusive to us.
-=-=-=-=-=-
How about offering a large sampling of *many* different foods. Chances
are he'll eat all the carbs first, at first. But if you make a large
platter with rolled up meats, sliced cheeses, peanut butter on
crackers, grapes, baby carrots with dill dip, pickles, and a handful of
M&Ms, he'll probably eat some/most of the other stuff after eating the
M&Ms. (This was what was on a monkey platter here the other day. Only a
couple of pickles came back to the kitchen.)
How about drawing him a warm bath, making him a cup of hot chocolate,
turning down the lights, rubbing his feet with oil or lotion, and
snuggling up with a gentle book/music/movie.
We're not advocating just cutting out sleep and good foods. We're
suggesting that you make the environment *right*. Nutricious food and a
sleepy atmosphere will lead to a happier child.
-=-=-=-=-
I'm pretty sure that his self-esteem is low due to all the trouble
he has gotten into regarding his aggression. Over the years I have
read all kinds of parenting books that gave me contradictory
advice. All that flip-flopping was confusing I'm sure.
-=-=-=-
And we're saying to just love him up all you can. Make his life one
*you*'d like.
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
Conference Coordinator
Live and Learn Unschooling Conference
http://liveandlearnconference.org
smith
Hi Sandra,
I am about 1 1/2 hours south of you near Ardmore, TN! There are quite a few unschoolers down here!
Karen Smith
I am about 1 1/2 hours south of you near Ardmore, TN! There are quite a few unschoolers down here!
Karen Smith
----- Original Message -----
From: sandralzires
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, April 26, 2006 6:34 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: Low self-esteem & Agression
Thank you all very much. I'll work on all your wonderful ideas.
Question though, am I supposed to play all day? I think I might go
mad if I had to do that. Don't get me wrong I love to interact with
my children but I confess I get really bored without adult
interaction. As far as I know unschooling is not very common here
in the Nashville, TN area. I'd love to have regular get togethers
with an unschooling group. Thanks again for the advice I'll put to
to good use, promise!
Sandra
d --- In [email protected], zenmomma@... wrote:
>
> >>I'm not sure what else I can do for him. I can't sit and play
plastic animals all day. >>
>
> Why not? Maybe the plastic animals can help you both go on a hunt
for laundry, or climb through play-doh mountains, or swim in a shark
infested bathtub or even devour some freshly baked brownies. Plastic
animals just love to go the park and get covered up with sand. They
like sliding down the slide and going on treasure hunts in the
grassy jungles of a backyard. They can play hide and seek, catch or
skateboard.
>
> Your imagination is the best toy you've got! Don't forget to dust
it off and use it.
>
> --
> ~Mary
> http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/
>
> "The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
> green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling
truly
> alive."
> ~Thich Nhat Hanh
>
> -------------- Original message ----------------------
> From: "sandralzires" <sandralzires@...>
>
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