Maisha Khalfani

I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to watching tv I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my African American daughter have become all of the girls she sees on the Disney Channel. She has wanted me to allow her to wear her "hair out" like she sees white girls (and other ppl with straight hair) do. However...we don't have that type of hair. Nonetheless, I washed her hair this morning, and left it "down". She is in the bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's not "straight" and doesn't look like what she thought it would. This was very much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my home. The standards of beauty do not generally include African American hair.

I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have books with black characters in them with natural hair and such. But she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the anguish that causes her?

Maisha
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
"Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender, thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more pleasure than a present."
~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pampered Chef Michelle

On 4/11/06, Maisha Khalfani <earthspirit393@...> wrote:
>
>
> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have books with
> black characters in them with natural hair and such. But she wants her hair
> to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow free access to a media that
> tells my daughter she is not beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to
> watch these girls knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like
> them? And watching the anguish that causes her?


Probably wouldn't help any for her to know that this white chick with
"flowing hair" always wanted the hair I saw on people of African descent.
(I also wanted the hair from the Japanese women whose hair was so jet black
it looked blue and would shine and look like it was all one piece rather
than individual strands!)

I think most of us at some point in our lives wanted to look differently
than we do now. We wanted long, short, straight, curly, wavy, ringleted,
Farrah, spikey, red, blonde, black, purple, funky, neat, etc etc etc hair.
We wanted different things for our body as well. We wanted to be taller,
shorter, thinner, bigger or smaller breasts, longer legs, tighter tummies,
rounder shoulders, etc etc etc. Finding the image that we are comfortable
with can sometimes be a life long journey.

Is there a hair stylist that you could make an appointment with to talk to
her about what possiblities she has with her hair? Can her hair be relaxed
or straightened to do more what she wants? It may be that she just needs a
nice "makeover" to feel good about who she is. Nothing drastic, just
something new. Maybe leave her at a salon for her to discuss what she wants
with someone who can tell her more what she can do with her hair. (Just
make sure to put a price limit on the changes :) )

This is your child who is still in public school, no? That is a huge
influence in how children view themselves. They have all kinds of messages
thrown at them each day about what looks right, what is popular, what is
in. I can remember wishing I was one of the "popular girls" when I was a
teen. It took me a long time to realize that I did have a lot of friends.
Just because none of them were the "popular kids" didn't mean that I was
unknown, unloved and ugly. Maybe the popular kids were known by 1,000 kids,
but they never knew all of those 1,000 people!


--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Ellen Christian

I think that this issue is more about being happy with what we look like than about black/white - at least in my mind. My daughter is 12 (13 on Friday). She is tall and skinny with dark hair and pale skin. The rage seems to be long blonde hair and dark tans on TV now and most of the 13 yo's portrayed on TV do NOT look 13 to me. They are much more "filled out" than what I recall 13 being and Sarah just doesn't fit that ideal. She wants to know when her butt will be bigger (her words!) so her jeans fit tight like that. We try to stress that God made her just the way He wants her to be & that she is beautiful the way she is. I don't know what role religion/spirituality plays in your home but perhaps just remind her that her creator made her the way that he/she intended her to be and that she is beautiful as she is.

On the other hand, does she watch That's So Raven? That is my daughter's favorite program at this point and most of the characters are African American.

I hope some of this helped.

Maisha Khalfani <earthspirit393@...> wrote:
I'm going to need some suggestions for this:


Ellen LaFleche-Christian - Garden Zone 4/5
Moonlight Creations Jewelry & Gifts http://moonlight-creations-jewelry.com
Receive a recipe every day http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ARecipeADay/




---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

drusila00

That is so dificult and frusterating!
I think much of the Media we see shows a limited idea of beauty,
which I personaly dislike, its almost like the actresses could be
interchangeable anymore and lets face it, very few of us "real
people" resemble them. I am also not fond of the way women
specificly are portrayed the steriotypes are unrealistic all the way
arround.


To combat this problem My son and I talk about what messages we are
being spoon fed and how and possible why's (being aware of what is
going on you can kind of step away from it and look at it from an
amlost scientific point of view)- not every time we watch Tv but
quite a lot.
I have noticed the more we talk and think about the media and how
it is used the more he will actualy catch things before they enter
his brain and get stuck in there.
Often he will say things like "what does that woman with big
breasts have to do with a cheeseburger?" (or something similer)
I have friends of diferent sizes, races, religions, economic
backgrounds, who have difering interests and abilitys that he gets
to hang out with. I can only hope that the exposure to so many
diferent people will help reinforce what we talk about re: the media.
The way we do things here has made my son very inquisitive but
unfortunatly there are a lot of people who do not care for his
curiosity or the "thinking comments" he makes.
(example) We were having lunch with a friend of mine who eats very
little meat or sweets and we were discussing our meal and food in
general when my son looks at her and says "if you dont like sweets
and you don't eat meat how come your not skinny?"
after a moment of stunned quiet we kind of laughed and talked about
how everyones body is diferent and how you can be healthy without
being super thin like the TV people and then we went on to discuss
other health/media related issues, prejudices and other things.
if my friend was not so sweet I could see that being a huge problem.

Ps) gotta say I *love* the new Dove adds, with all diferent types of
women. we need more media like that.




--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<earthspirit393@...> wrote:
>
> I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to
watching tv I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my
African American daughter have become all of the girls she sees on
the Disney Channel. She has wanted me to allow her to wear
her "hair out" like she sees white girls (and other ppl with
straight hair) do. However...we don't have that type of hair.
Nonetheless, I washed her hair this morning, and left it "down".
She is in the bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's
not "straight" and doesn't look like what she thought it would.
This was very much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my
home. The standards of beauty do not generally include African
American hair.
>
> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have
books with black characters in them with natural hair and such. But
she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow
free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful
as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that
deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the
anguish that causes her?
>
> Maisha
>
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyad
ventures.blogspot.com/>
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than
by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more
pleasure than a present."
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Pampered Chef Michelle

On 4/11/06, drusila00 <drusila00@...> wrote:
>
> Ps) gotta say I *love* the new Dove adds, with all diferent types of
> women. we need more media like that.


They have t-shirts that you can get that reflect these commercials. I love
what they say. However, the only way that I can see that you can get one of
these t-shirts is to buy their products. YOu have to buy 3 products (or
something like that) and send in the UPC's and reciepts along with $4 in
shipping or some such thing. I'm not so sure I like that message LOL!! I
don't use their products because most of them are too harsh for my skin.
(yeah, dove - go figure) and their shampoo just doesn't cut it for my hair.
I wish they would just sell the t-shirts without hawking their products!





--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Melissa

(hugs) I'm so sorry for her pain. I have to second the whole taking
her to a salon bit. Maybe a good stylist would be worth the
investment in just talking about what her hair is capable of, and
some options. Esp if they have the teen magazines or the stylist
magazines that could show her a bunch of beautiful ladies.
I know even Raven straightens her hair, so it's obvious that natural
beauty is not a media treat right now. I'd say you have to take it
as it comes. If she wants to watch it, let her watch it but be
available to talk about her pain. Be open to listening to her and
keep doing your good momma job of keeping books and real life people
of a variety of phenotypes.

TBH...me and my girls have white ppl hair, and it's not straight
without a straightening rod. When we let it air dry, it's frizzy and
painful to see. lol! Rachel and I both have hair that's kind of wavy,
but not evenly, and frizzy from the almost curly hair, and she has
cried about her hair in the mirror. We want Lindsey Lohan hair.

Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose

share our lives at
http://360.yahoo.com/multimomma



On Apr 11, 2006, at 11:46 AM, Maisha Khalfani wrote:

> I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to
> watching tv I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my
> African American daughter have become all of the girls she sees on
> the Disney Channel. She has wanted me to allow her to wear her
> "hair out" like she sees white girls (and other ppl with straight
> hair) do. However...we don't have that type of hair. Nonetheless,
> I washed her hair this morning, and left it "down". She is in the
> bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's not "straight"
> and doesn't look like what she thought it would. This was very
> much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my home. The
> standards of beauty do not generally include African American hair.
>
> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have
> books with black characters in them with natural hair and such.
> But she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I
> allow free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not
> beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls
> knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like them? And
> watching the anguish that causes her?
>
> Maisha
> http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://
> khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
> thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy
> than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give
> more pleasure than a present."
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> SPONSORED LINKS
> Secondary school education Graduate school education Home
> school education
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> school education
>
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>
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>
> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
>
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/11/2006 2:34:29 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,
autismhelp@... writes:

so it's obvious that natural
beauty is not a media treat right now.


*********

I agree with this. Half the shows on TV seem to be about plastic surgery.
Even the stars on the red carpet talk about what pieces are added to their
hair, what was airbrushed on and how long they spent in hair and makeup.
People used to do these things to make themselves look natural, now they are doing
it to make themselves look done up!

The mom on Everybody Loves Raymond had liposuction.....to play a mom of
three kids....and she told everybody about it. I think that's weird.

But unless you live in a bubble, you will encounter it. I am so sorry this
is so painful for you both right now. I wish I had a great idea for you to
help her feel good about her appearance. I like the idea about taking her to
a salon. Are there some movies that might be fun to watch, especially from
the 70's? I know I like to watch those times when people looked a little more
realistic. Are there some internet resources for girls and body image?

Hugs,
Leslie in SC


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/11/2006 1:34:29 P.M. US Eastern Standard Time,
autismhelp@... writes:

But she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I
> allow free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not
> beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls
> knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like them? And
> watching the anguish that causes her?


I can't help you much, but maybe you could point out to her, that not all
white ppl have the perfect hair that is shown on tv. we suffer from frizzy to
dried to poufy to whatever complaint it may be......we always want what we
can't have......if you have straight hair, you get a perm to make it curyly or
visa versa....you know what i mean? I was just thinking if you demonstrated
how everyone has issues with their self image, it might help her realize that
what you see on tv is just NOT reality......LOL.......have a good one!

Mandy

(http://www.baby-gaga.com/) (http://www.baby-gaga.com/)
(http://www.baby-gaga.com/) (http://www.baby-gaga.com/)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jlh44music

> She has wanted me to allow her to wear her "hair out" like she
sees white girls (and other ppl with straight hair) do.
However...we don't have that type of hair......The standards of
beauty do not generally include African American hair.>>>

> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have
books with black characters in them with natural hair and such. But
she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow
free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful
as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that
deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the
anguish that causes her?>

My dd is 13, and we have always talked about what she sees in the
media as far as image and what is portrayed as "desirable".
Fortunately, she's naturally rather conservative, so belly shirts
etc have never been for her (she likes big tee shirts and comfy
pants!). She has long blond hair and once in a while will braid it
in many small braids to make it wavy becuase she thinks it's fun.
(my hair is very fine and straight and I get a perm once a year
because it's easier!). You can't keep them from seeing the images
totally unless you live in a bubble, but you can continue to talk
about it. How old is your dd?

There's another yahoo group AfAmUnschool specifically for African
American unschoolers, where I know they like to have a place to talk
about these types of concerns specific to African Americans. Don't
know if you've seen it. You might find some ideas there.

There are people of all ages who don't like what they have (hair,
height, body type, etc etc) but I think it's important, especially
these days to keep talking about it, especially with our daughters.
The world was so different when I was growing up.
Jann

Pampered Chef Michelle

On 4/11/06, jlh44music <jlh44music@...> wrote:
>
>
> There are people of all ages who don't like what they have (hair,
> height, body type, etc etc) but I think it's important, especially
> these days to keep talking about it, especially with our daughters.


I think that it is just as important to talk about these things with our
sons! I want my son to grow up seeing the beauty in all women and not get
fixated on a certain type as being the standard of beauty. If we can teach
our children that all people are beautiful and that no one type is more
beautiful or perfect or representative than another then we might just get
to a point where people are respected for who they are not how they look.
We have to talk to both our sons and daughters!





--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

I agree... and have you ever seen these women out of character? out of
costume? not made up? THEY DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT! I look better in
the morning than some of them do... hehe.

These images are MAKE BELIEVE... they are made up with make-up, clothing
that camouflages, and lighting that conceals... and then there are the
pictures in print that are altered with airbrush.

They are puppets... puppets to a society that idolizes them... not for who
they are but for who society thinks they are by characters that they play.

I suggest that we all need to peel back the facade and really look at the
reality behind the scenes.


~*~*~
Lesa M.
LIFE Academy
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net/
-------Original Message-------


That is so dificult and frusterating!
I think much of the Media we see shows a limited idea of beauty,
which I personaly dislike, its almost like the actresses could be
interchangeable anymore and lets face it, very few of us "real
people" resemble them. I am also not fond of the way women
specificly are portrayed the steriotypes are unrealistic all the way
arround.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

>> We want Lindsey Lohan hair.<<

but... do we really know what Lindsey Lohan's hair really looks like?
really... I don't trust anything that I see in "hollywood"





~*~*~
Lesa M.
LIFE Academy
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net/

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pampered Chef Michelle

On 4/11/06, Lesa McMahon-Lowe <lesajm@...> wrote:
>
> I agree... and have you ever seen these women out of character? out of
> costume? not made up? THEY DON'T REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT! I look better
> in
> the morning than some of them do... hehe.


I always remind myself that Marilyn Monroe was a brunette and a size 14.
FOURTEEN! That is the largest size that most regular clothing stores
carry. If Norma Jean had put on just 5 more pounds she would be shopping at
Lane Bryant rather than The Limited! :D Marilyn is a great (horrible?
sad?) example of what happens when you try to live up to something that you
just can't really be!



--
Michelle
Independent Kitchen Consultant #413652
The Pampered Chef
850-474-0817
http://www.pamperedchef.biz/michellelr
Ask me how you can save 60% on some of our most favorite products!


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

camden

My dd, is adopted & she has the most beautiful curly brown hair ! And guess
what? she absolutely hates it ! and another guess what? Mine is straight
as a board and I'd love to have curls.

She wants mine & I pay to have mine permed to be like hers !

I'm going to see what it takes to relax hers but I do wish she'd love her
hair ....... its so bouncy !

But I do agree , girls are not portrayed as even close to the age they
really are.

Carol


----- Original Message -----
From: "Maisha Khalfani" <earthspirit393@...>
To: "Unschooling_Basics" <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, April 11, 2006 12:46 PM
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] the influences of the media


> I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to watching tv
> I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my African American
> daughter have become all of the girls she sees on the Disney Channel. She
> has wanted me to allow her to wear her "hair out" like she sees white
> girls (and other ppl with straight hair) do. However...we don't have that
> type of hair. Nonetheless, I washed her hair this morning, and left it
> "down". She is in the bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's
> not "straight" and doesn't look like what she thought it would. This was
> very much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my home. The
> standards of beauty do not generally include African American hair.
>

[email protected]

Sometimes it helps to remember that she is going to get those messages about various things from various sources, not just the media. It also helps to search out messages that you want to get through.

I have a mixed race child who has lovely curly wonderful hair. She cried about it many times. When she was little, I used to read "Nappy Hair" to her, to celebrate the rich heritage that shines through in her tangly, wild beautiful hair.

Julie S.

----- Original Message -----
From: Maisha Khalfani <earthspirit393@...>
Date: Tuesday, April 11, 2006 11:46 am
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] the influences of the media

> I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to
> watching tv I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my
> African American daughter have become all of the girls she sees on
> the Disney Channel. She has wanted me to allow her to wear her
> "hair out" like she sees white girls (and other ppl with straight
> hair) do. However...we don't have that type of hair.
> Nonetheless, I washed her hair this morning, and left it "down".
> She is in the bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's
> not "straight" and doesn't look like what she thought it would.
> This was very much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my
> home. The standards of beauty do not generally include African
> American hair.
>
> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have
> books with black characters in them with natural hair and such.
> But she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I
> allow free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not
> beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls
> knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like them? And
> watching the anguish that causes her?
>
> Maisha
> http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/>
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
> thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy
> than by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will
> give more pleasure than a present."
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

jlh44music

> I think that it is just as important to talk about these things with
our sons! I want my son to grow up seeing the beauty in all women and
not get fixated on a certain type as being the standard of beauty. If
we can teach our children that all people are beautiful and that no
one type is more beautiful or perfect or representative than another
then we might just get to a point where people are respected for who
they are not how they look. We have to talk to both our sons and
daughters!>>

Good point Michelle! I only have one child and sometimes don't think
outside the box (even though when I was pregnant, I said it we had a
boy I would do just what you talked about above). Thanks for the
reality check!
Jann

trektheory

--- In [email protected], Ellen Christian
<scentednights2002@...> wrote:
>
> I think that this issue is more about being happy with what we look
like than about black/white - at least in my mind. My daughter is 12
(13 on Friday). She is tall and skinny with dark hair and pale skin.
The rage seems to be long blonde hair and dark tans on TV now and
most of the 13 yo's portrayed on TV do NOT look 13 to me.

It's possible that they aren't 13 -- they often use older people.

I wasn't up on what is "in" these days -- but when I was growing up,
afros were in, (yeah, I know, I dated myself here), and so many white
people were busy getting perms to get their hair more frizzy and
kinky and what-all.

There is definitely something to be said for learning to like what
you are, and to knowing that everyone else feels the same way,
really. I bet her daughter doesn't think that everyone else wishes
they had bigger/smaller ______ or lighter/darker ________ or
straighter/curlier ________. Perhaps if she could point some of that
out to her dd -- find someone her dd thinks is "perfect", then find
out what that person REALLY thinks of herself. Might be eye-opening!

Linda

Joanne

My daughter is brown (biracial:black/white) and she LOVES all the
Disney Princess! I tell her that her hair (and her heart and her
soul and her skin and everything else about her) is
beautiful...because it is. But - I don't tell her that when she's
complaining about her hair (which she doesn't do that much) or
comparing her hair to her sister (who is white). What I do at that
point is agree with her. I let her tell me what she doesn't like
about her hair and I usually tell her what I don't like about my
hair and then my other daughter will join is and talk about what she
doesn't like about her hair. :-)

We've been on an hair extension kick lately (That can get
expensive!!!) and she gets them box braided with the length down to
the middle of her back.

~ Joanne ~
Mom to Jacqueline (7), Shawna (10) & Cimion (13)
Adopted into our hearts October 30, 2003
http://anunschoolinglife.blogspot.com/
http://foreverparents.com



--- In [email protected], "Maisha Khalfani"
<earthspirit393@...> wrote:
>
> I'm going to need some suggestions for this: when it comes to
watching tv I have relaxed quite a bit. As such, the idols for my
African American daughter have become all of the girls she sees on
the Disney Channel. She has wanted me to allow her to wear
her "hair out" like she sees white girls (and other ppl with
straight hair) do. However...we don't have that type of hair.
Nonetheless, I washed her hair this morning, and left it "down".
She is in the bathroom crying her eyes out right now because it's
not "straight" and doesn't look like what she thought it would.
This was very much my fear in allowing too much of the media in my
home. The standards of beauty do not generally include African
American hair.
>
> I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have
books with black characters in them with natural hair and such. But
she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow
free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful
as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that
deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the
anguish that causes her?
>
> Maisha
>
http://khalfanifamilyadventures.blogspot.com/<http://khalfanifamilyad
ventures.blogspot.com/>
> "Don't be afraid of showing affection. Be warm and tender,
thoughtful and affectionate. Mankind is more helped by sympathy than
by service. Love is more than money, and a kind word will give more
pleasure than a present."
> ~ Jean Baptiste Lacordaire
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

KIM BACKALENICK

I've been lurking here for a little while.My name is Kim and I've got two boys, one almost 6 and the other 3 1/2. We are not unschooling as of yet,still thinking about it. This e-mail list has definitely been thought provoking and taught me quite a bit as well. So no matter what choices we make, I definitely am enjoying the discussions here. I have two questions.

Do any other families here just not have a t.v.? We don't have any and I must say it's been liberating and more peaceful.You know, I'm not completely against t.v.,but there just is so much else to do. And I think it can be pretty addictive.Also, there are many companies that spend millions figuring out how to market to children. I know I'm not articulating all this well. But since we got rid of the t.v.(over two years ago).Both dh and I read alot more(dh especially was not a reader before) we talk more and have more sex(hey, that's what people used to do,lol.) And the kids,well they just live. It's not an issue here so I'm not controlling it or censoring it. Maybe in time, this will change.I mean, maybe someone here will want a t.v. and I guess then we can discuss it. But just my two cents, there's alot of freedom in not having one. And I really feel it opens the doors to living even more fully....

Second question---to those who don't have a spouse around too often..Although I love spending time with my kids,sometimes I need a break .Sometimes I've just heard enough conversations with the word "poop" in it.lol (remember they're 3 1/2 and almost 6). Anyway, dh leaves early and gets home after the kids are asleep. He works 6 and occasionally 7 days....We can't afford much in the way of an occasional babysitter. So how does anyone else get a break?

Thanks, Kim ---mama to Ethan and Kai

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>>My daughter is 12 (13 on Friday). She is tall and skinny with dark hair and pale skin. The rage seems to be long blonde hair and dark tans on TV now and most of the 13 yo's portrayed on TV do NOT look 13 to me. They are much more "filled out" than what I recall 13 being and Sarah just doesn't fit that ideal. She wants to know when her butt will be bigger (her words!) so her jeans fit tight like that.>>

I think the influences of school, family and peers are much bigger than anything in the media. My daughter is 12 and could be described very much like yours in looks. Her body is long and willowy, her complexion is pale like Snow White's and she has straight brunette hair. The difference is, she is happy with who she is and how she looks. She's comfortable in her own skin. She may dye her hair pink or pierce her ears, but only to complement her own sense of style. Not because she's unhappy with herself or her looks.

I believe this is a direct result of the fact that she has been unschooled her whole life. She has not spent the *majority* of her waking hours being socialized by other kids. She chooses how much TV she wants to watch but I've always been there with her to help interpret the messages she might get. She's a savvy consumer, incredibly creative and stylish, basically modest in her dress and behavior and a pretty self confident pre-teen.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: Ellen Christian <scentednights2002@...>

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>>The standards of beauty do not generally include African American hair.>>

I know what you mean. The standards of beauty don't generally include anything I've got! lol But at 46 I've finally learned to just ignore those stupid standards. Right now I'm the happisest with my hair that I have ever been. It's also at it's most natural, just a few highlights. Don't you wish we could impart that wisdom of self acceptance more easily to our daughters? I wish I could give your little girl a big hug.

>>How do I allow
free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful
as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that
deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the
anguish that causes her?>>>

It's not the access to TV that's the problem. Forbidding certain shows won't make her feel better about her hair. It's how she's perceiving her own beauty. We all have something (or many things) that we don't like about our appearance. It's something we need to work through I think. You are the biggest influence in your daughter's life. She just needs you to reassure her and help her find her beauty.

I hope this is coming out as gently as I'm hearing it in my own head. Know that it's sent with love.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "jlh44music" <jlh44music@...>

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>>I suggest that we all need to peel back the facade and really look at the reality behind the scenes.>>

Absolutely! These are just the kinds of things I talk about with my daughter when we watch TV or look at pictures in a magazine. She knows how made up and retouched models and actresses are. She knows how dangerously thin some of them are. We talk about all of that stuff a lot.

When we unschoolers talk about not restricting the TV we don't mean set the kids loose without input or guidance. Unschooling parents need to be in there with the kids, helping them negotiate the world on their own terms.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Lesa McMahon-Lowe" <lesajm@...>

Sylvia Toyama

I talk to my daughter about how beautiful her hair is; we have books with black characters in them with natural hair and such. But she wants her hair to flow like white ppl's hair. How do I allow free access to a media that tells my daughter she is not beautiful as she is? How do I allow her to watch these girls knowing that deep down inside she wants to look like them? And watching the anguish that causes her?

****

Could she have hair more like she wants? I don't know a lot about the texture of african american hair, but aren't there are product lines marketed for both natural and straightened hair? I've known many white girls with straight hair who perm for curl --done it myself, tho never to my satisfaction. Maybe something temporary, like the 28 shampoo color jobs?

I remember in third grade, I saw the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen -- and her hair! I'd have given everything I had for hair like hers. Except my hair would never look like hers did. And it wasn't just her hair, her skin was gorgeous. Her Mom was african-american, her dad Cherokee. Her hair was wavy and shiny, and very, very thick. I'm just basic white girl with (then) plain brown hair that only 'waved' where I had cowlicks, and never seemed to do what I wanted it to. I was very jealous. I spent years trying to perm my hair -- it never came out even, or as I'd expected it to. Turned out the object of my envy had a younger sister, who was later the prettiest girl my little sister had ever seen. I still remember both girls' names 35 yrs later, as does my sister.

When I finally got up the nerve to ask her why her hair was so shiny, she told me her grandma put vaseline on it and 'ironed' it. I'd never heard of any kind of hair irons then -- curling or straightening. My mother had still didn't let me have any style besides a pixie cut, because she just didn't have the time to brush my hair. I have the kind of hair that tangles without me even moving. It was two more years before she let me grow my hair long, and then taking care of it was completely my responsibility. My sister begged and cried to have long hair, too, so I took over her hair care then too. She had hair as poker straight, baby fine and the color of spun gold. I was still very envious.

I don't think it's all that unusual to want to be what we're not, even when it crosses race lines. Often, it's just a chance to try on new things, like different clothes or shoes. I think that as long as you give a child many things about his/her own life and identity to cherish and desire, they'll find their own path -- even if it may not be exactly what a parent would have chosen (it seldom is, you know).

Sylvia





Mom to Will (21) Andy (9) and Dan (5)

Let the beauty you love be what you do -- Rumi









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>>Here is one example of the lies that pictures really are.

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/index.html>>

I'd still take her before look! My belly hasn't looked that trim in a looong time. LOL But it's true that all photos we see in magazines are heavily retouched.

Thanks for posting this link. It's a good one. I'm going to share it with Qacei and Conor. I think they'll both think it's interesting. We should get some good conversations going.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Lesa McMahon-Lowe" <lesajm@...>

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

here's more for you about just how different hollywood looks from the way
they are portrayed

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/celeb.html

-------Original Message-------

From: Lesa McMahon-Lowe
Date: 04/11/06 20:13:45
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] the influences of the media

Here is one example of the lies that pictures really are.

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/index.html

~*~*~
Lesa M.
LIFE Academy
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net/

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>>Here is one example of the lies that pictures really are.

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/index.html>>

I just showed this to Qacei. She was fascinated with the whole idea of retouching and how different the photos looked. But the reason she had me send her the link was so that she could figure out the HTML coding for the mouse changing the pictures. She wants to use that on her webpages.

It's a good reminder. You never know what connections your kids will make from what you show them.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Lesa McMahon-Lowe" <lesajm@...>

Ren Allen

"Here is one example of the lies that pictures really are."

Yep, yep.
There are very few people with REALLY gorgeous skin. The "norm" is
pimples or pores or wrinkles, but somehow people hold themselves to
the editorials, which are more about art than reality.:)

There is a large pic of Pamela Anderson that MAC uses for their Viva
Glam promo that folks would always ooh and aah over. They'd say "I
want to look like THAT" which made me sad on many levels, because as
beautiful as I think she is, I just wish people would embrace
themselves the way they are.
I always answered "SHE doesn't look like that!!"
It was heavily airbrushed, she doesn't have a single pore showing.
Totally about art and marketing, nothing to do with even HER real look.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Lesa McMahon-Lowe

yeah, I'd love to learn that code, too. :)


~*~*~
Lesa M.
LIFE Academy
http://lifeacademy.homeschooljournal.net/
-------Original Message-------

From: zenmomma@...
Date: 04/11/06 20:50:27
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: [unschoolingbasics] the influences of the media

>>Here is one example of the lies that pictures really are.

http://homepage.mac.com/gapodaca/digital/bikini/index.html>>

I just showed this to Qacei. She was fascinated with the whole idea of
retouching and how different the photos looked. But the reason she had me
send her the link was so that she could figure out the HTML coding for the
mouse changing the pictures. She wants to use that on her webpages.

It's a good reminder. You never know what connections your kids will make
from what you show them.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Lesa McMahon-Lowe" <lesajm@...>




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school education
Graduate school education online High school education Chicago school
education



YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS

Visit your group "unschoolingbasics" on the web.

To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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>>yeah, I'd love to learn that code, too. :)>>

Well if Qacei figures it out, I'll pass it on.

--
~Mary
http://zenmommasgarden.blogspot.com/

"The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the
green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly
alive."
~Thich Nhat Hanh

-------------- Original message ----------------------
From: "Lesa McMahon-Lowe" <lesajm@...>