Ren Allen

"My boys are going to know how to clean, wash clothes,
dishes, etc."

Why would you decide they have to know those things, but trust them
to learn everything else in life by living? To separate part of our
lives out, is detrimental to unschooling in my opinion.
Children learn by coming and going from things as they're ready.
Chores are no different than learning about bugs, or clouds, or
cultures or anything else they might be interested in.

My boys know how to do an awful lot around our house, so does my
daughter. But they haven't been forced to learn it, they figure out
household tasks pretty easily (it's not exactly hard stuff to learn).

Sierra's room is almost always a disaster. I clean it for her,
rather than making her do it. The result? A child that rarely ever
cleans her room, but happily and cheerfully helps me fold laundry,
clean anyone elses room in the house (she did mine yesterday), make
dinner, do dishes etc...

I really doubt she'd be as willing to help if I made a big issue of
her room. The boys aren't as helpful lately, but they're doing
important work too (learning!). They'll have plenty of time to deal
with household tasks in life. I want their childhood to be more
focused on important stuff. Household tasks are not important
stuff..it's just stuff.;)
The important stuff is relationships, living joyfully and doing
things with gratitude in our hearts.

Ren
learninginfreedom.com

drusila00

We are fairly new to Unschooling but on the subject of household
care I think we all have things that we do to keep it from becomming
terrable. We try not to call them chores although that word does
come out once in a while. I think it helps to say we are all
responcible for things at our home.
we all look after our personal spaces and my son happily helps with
whatever needs done if I ask. (of course now he is wanting to do
everything in exchange for money which I dont think is bad,
unfortunatly my pockets are not that deep LOL)
As for Personal spaces, My son (who is 11) likes to know where his
things are and he has a tendency to have a major melt down when he
can not find somthing of his. it has taken a while for him to
understand that in order to find things as easly as he would like he
needs to keep his room tidy I would not say that we have made him
clean his room but that we have encouraged him to be responsible for
his own things by letting him have his room however he wants. (this
means that mom does not know where his (whatever) is just like he
would not know where my (whatever) is but we will happily help each
other look)

If somthing gets left under dirty clothing and gets stepped on and
broken we feel badly for him and comfort him but he knows we can't
run out and buy a replacement because money is tight. if he
misplaces somthing and has a meltdown we comfort him and talk him
through it. In either case we talk about what he thinks he needs to
help him be better organised or ways he might be able to avoid the
same situation in the future and we try to help him in whatever way
we can. I still do his laundry if it is by the washing machiene
on "wash day" and he likes it folded and put in drawers and he does
that himself as long as I tell him his clothing is clean. I don't
force him to do this and sometimes he does not feel like doing them
and leaves them in the basket but generaly he wants them folded and
put up.

maybe thats odd maybe not. I dont know many 11 year old boys.
D


--- In [email protected], "Ren Allen"
<starsuncloud@...> wrote:
>
> "My boys are going to know how to clean, wash clothes,
> dishes, etc."
>
> Why would you decide they have to know those things, but trust
them
> to learn everything else in life by living? To separate part of
our
> lives out, is detrimental to unschooling in my opinion.
> Children learn by coming and going from things as they're ready.
> Chores are no different than learning about bugs, or clouds, or
> cultures or anything else they might be interested in.
>
> My boys know how to do an awful lot around our house, so does my
> daughter. But they haven't been forced to learn it, they figure
out
> household tasks pretty easily (it's not exactly hard stuff to
learn).
>
> Sierra's room is almost always a disaster. I clean it for her,
> rather than making her do it. The result? A child that rarely ever
> cleans her room, but happily and cheerfully helps me fold laundry,
> clean anyone elses room in the house (she did mine yesterday),
make
> dinner, do dishes etc...
>
> I really doubt she'd be as willing to help if I made a big issue
of
> her room. The boys aren't as helpful lately, but they're doing
> important work too (learning!). They'll have plenty of time to
deal
> with household tasks in life. I want their childhood to be more
> focused on important stuff. Household tasks are not important
> stuff..it's just stuff.;)
> The important stuff is relationships, living joyfully and doing
> things with gratitude in our hearts.
>
> Ren
> learninginfreedom.com
>

Angela S.

> "My boys are going to know how to clean, wash clothes,
> dishes, etc."

The only chore I did before moving out of my parent's home was to wash
dishes (only sometimes in Jr High when we didn't have a dish washer) and
dust (before holidays) But when I headed off to college, I quickly learned
how to do all the thing necessary to keep my own space and clothes clean.

Just like kids don't have to get up every day at 7 am throughout their
childhood to know how to get up for work when they are adults, kids don't
have to have chores every day in order to learn how to clean or wash
clothes. (which doesn't mean they won't help if asked, just that they can
say no, just like you can)

Maybe seeing their parents being helpful to each other and to other people
will teach them to helpful and compassionate. If I see someone who is
obviously in need of help I usually offer to help. My parents were like
that too. They always did what they could to help others. So, even though
I really had no chores growing up, I did learn to help others.

When I dh is working on something and I can see he is frustrated, I help
him. Sometimes I help him just to share his company and talk to him.

He, on the other hand, was raised with lots of farm chores that he had to
get up at 5 am and do before school and he still hates them to this day and
he still feels resentful that he had to do them.

I shovel stalls and care for animals because I like to help the animals, I
like to be with the animals, I like the physical activity and the sense of
putting things neat again and helping out another being.

Sometimes what you want to teach isn't what the kids learn. Just something
to keep in mind.

Angela

Melissa

Amen, Angela, that's me. I was raised being told how 'important' it
was that I know how to run a household, and then forced to do all
kinds of chores that I hated 'for the good of the family'. In reality
it was my single mom wanting a clean house without putting out so
much effort herself.
To this day, if I wash dishes, i get angry, tense, nauseous, and it
really ruins the whole day. Sometimes they just sit there until dh
comes home. Sometimes the kids do them for me because they KNOW how
upset it gets me. They like to help me. :-) I have great kids, did I
mention that?! LOL! If I wait until I'm wanting to do them, then it's
not so bad. We all do what we like around here.

Melissa
Mom to Josh (11), Breanna (8), Emily (7), Rachel (6), Sam (4), Dan
(2), and Avari Rose


On Mar 16, 2006, at 6:37 AM, Angela S. wrote:
>
>
> He, on the other hand, was raised with lots of farm chores that he
> had to
> get up at 5 am and do before school and he still hates them to this
> day and
> he still feels resentful that he had to do them.
>
> I shovel stalls and care for animals because I like to help the
> animals, I
> like to be with the animals, I like the physical activity and the
> sense of
> putting things neat again and helping out another being.
>
> Sometimes what you want to teach isn't what the kids learn. Just
> something
> to keep in mind.
>

scrapgal

--- In [email protected], "Angela S." <game-
enthusiast@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> > "My boys are going to know how to clean, wash clothes,
> > dishes, etc."
>
> The only chore I did before moving out of my parent's home was to
wash
> dishes (only sometimes in Jr High when we didn't have a dish
washer) and
> dust (before holidays) But when I headed off to college, I
quickly learned
> how to do all the thing necessary to keep my own space and clothes
clean.
>

I grew up on a mini-farm. We had chickens, ducks and a cow and a
small vegetable garden. We had chores that we had to do. My mom
would assign my brother and me chores that we had to do. I resented
doing these things because they were required of me. Yet I would go
to my grandmother's house and clean it for her and collect the eggs
and milk her cow and muck out her barn. I learned early that it
wasn't the chore that I detested, it was the attitude that I had to
do these things.

I had this same conflict with my kids. I felt that I *had* to make
them do things because that is what is expected of parents. We make
our kids do chores because we think it is teaching them something.
I even assigned my kids chores for many years and then 2 years ago
it dawned on much it reminded me of my childhood and how I detested
doing "chores." So I quit. I quit asking them to do things. I
didn't tell them that I wasn't expecting them to do things anymore,
I just quit. I started doing all the dishes myself, the laundry
myself, sweeping, dusting, toilets, and gardening myself. Now 2
years later I have 3 kids who are not reluctant to help me around
the house. Sometimes I will Emily if she will unload the dishes
while I run an errand so I have a head start when I get back. "No
problem, Mom. Want I should load as well?" "Nah, only if you want
to." And sometimes I come home and the dishes are loaded and
started and sometimes they are half put away, but most of the time
they are all put away and I appreciate the help and let her know.
Recently I had the flu and was quite sick for several days. The
kind of sick where you get up, fix a cup of tea and go back to bed
not having had the tea because it exhausted you just getting a cup
and tea bag out. The second day of this I woke up to a house that
felt like it had exploded. Laundry piled up, dishes stacked
precariously all over the kitchen, dust buffalo roaming down the
hallway. I just wanted to cry. I tried to start doing the dishes
(I have this thing about having a clean kitchen - the rest of the
house can go but my kitchen has to stay orderly). Emily and Mary
Elayne came in and said, "Mom. Go. To. Bed." I didn't fight
them. I got up a few hours later and found that they had cleaned
the kitchen and started a load of laundry (I still encountered a
dust buffalo grazing in the hall, though.) I thanked them and they
looked at me perplexed as to why I would do that? They saw
something that needed doing and they did it. They knew it would
help me and at the same time they were out of clean clothes and
dishes :)

Fortunately as my children have aged the messes have gotten more
manageable. They start thinking in terms of "Oh I see a mess.
Maybe I could pick up that newspaper before it gets strewn all over
the place." OR "Oh *I* made a mess. Let me get a rag and clean it
up." It's part of self awareness.

I don't feel like I am my children's slave. I'm a mom and a person
who likes a neat kitchen. My kids aren't all that fond of a neat
kitchen (just as long as they have a bowl to eat from). So why
should they have the responsibility of cleaning the space that I
like clean?

Michelle

S Drag-teine

It is also good to feel appreciated. My husband and I have both voiced
needing to feel appreciated a sincere thank you here and again. Not really
from the kids but from each other and it has had not only a tremendous
affect on us but my son as well.

The other evening because we had lots of running around to do, we decided to
eat at Fudd Ruckers for dinner. My DH and DS love video games as do I really
but we figured order food, play, eat and maybe play some more. Well, my DD
(15 months) decided she needed to play too so I went and got drinks and when
the buzzer went off I went and got the food. We started eating and my DH
said thank you for getting the food and I said thank you for taking care of
the kids.

My DS (5 1/2) said, "That is what families do." Nodding he continued, "Yep,
we are quite a team."

Shannon
Melaleuca Customer

Join our club and swap paperback books for FREE - PaperBackSwap.com

-----Original Message-----
From: [email protected]
[mailto:[email protected]] On Behalf Of scrapgal
Sent: Monday, March 20, 2006 11:37 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [unschoolingbasics] Re: chores again; was new and unsure

--- In [email protected], "Angela S." <game-
enthusiast@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> > "My boys are going to know how to clean, wash clothes,
> > dishes, etc."
>
> The only chore I did before moving out of my parent's home was to
wash
> dishes (only sometimes in Jr High when we didn't have a dish
washer) and
> dust (before holidays) But when I headed off to college, I
quickly learned
> how to do all the thing necessary to keep my own space and clothes
clean.
>

I grew up on a mini-farm. We had chickens, ducks and a cow and a
small vegetable garden. We had chores that we had to do. My mom
would assign my brother and me chores that we had to do. I resented
doing these things because they were required of me. Yet I would go
to my grandmother's house and clean it for her and collect the eggs
and milk her cow and muck out her barn. I learned early that it
wasn't the chore that I detested, it was the attitude that I had to
do these things.

I had this same conflict with my kids. I felt that I *had* to make
them do things because that is what is expected of parents. We make
our kids do chores because we think it is teaching them something.
I even assigned my kids chores for many years and then 2 years ago
it dawned on much it reminded me of my childhood and how I detested
doing "chores." So I quit. I quit asking them to do things. I
didn't tell them that I wasn't expecting them to do things anymore,
I just quit. I started doing all the dishes myself, the laundry
myself, sweeping, dusting, toilets, and gardening myself. Now 2
years later I have 3 kids who are not reluctant to help me around
the house. Sometimes I will Emily if she will unload the dishes
while I run an errand so I have a head start when I get back. "No
problem, Mom. Want I should load as well?" "Nah, only if you want
to." And sometimes I come home and the dishes are loaded and
started and sometimes they are half put away, but most of the time
they are all put away and I appreciate the help and let her know.
Recently I had the flu and was quite sick for several days. The
kind of sick where you get up, fix a cup of tea and go back to bed
not having had the tea because it exhausted you just getting a cup
and tea bag out. The second day of this I woke up to a house that
felt like it had exploded. Laundry piled up, dishes stacked
precariously all over the kitchen, dust buffalo roaming down the
hallway. I just wanted to cry. I tried to start doing the dishes
(I have this thing about having a clean kitchen - the rest of the
house can go but my kitchen has to stay orderly). Emily and Mary
Elayne came in and said, "Mom. Go. To. Bed." I didn't fight
them. I got up a few hours later and found that they had cleaned
the kitchen and started a load of laundry (I still encountered a
dust buffalo grazing in the hall, though.) I thanked them and they
looked at me perplexed as to why I would do that? They saw
something that needed doing and they did it. They knew it would
help me and at the same time they were out of clean clothes and
dishes :)

Fortunately as my children have aged the messes have gotten more
manageable. They start thinking in terms of "Oh I see a mess.
Maybe I could pick up that newspaper before it gets strewn all over
the place." OR "Oh *I* made a mess. Let me get a rag and clean it
up." It's part of self awareness.

I don't feel like I am my children's slave. I'm a mom and a person
who likes a neat kitchen. My kids aren't all that fond of a neat
kitchen (just as long as they have a bowl to eat from). So why
should they have the responsibility of cleaning the space that I
like clean?

Michelle







Yahoo! Groups Links

drusila00

--- In [email protected], "S Drag-teine"
<dragteine@...> wrote:
We started eating and my DH said thank you for getting the food and I
said thank you for taking care of the kids. My DS (5 1/2) said, "That
is what families do." Nodding he continued, "Yep, we are quite a
team.>>>

My husband and Myself have always told each other thank you, it is
just how we are, sometimes (like everyone) we forget but I would say
largely we are a please and thank you bunch of people.
When our son came along it just seemed natural to say please and
thank you to him as well. As he got older and we visited people with
other children I noticed how they yelled, screamed and demanded things
regularly and once my son asked why soandsos mom and dad never asked
please or said thank you. it was an interesting and enlightening
discussion trying to explaine that to a 6 year old.
I make this point not to brag that we are the best parents ever or to
say we have never yelled or anything but simply to say how shocked I
am at how few people say please and thank you in their marriage or to
their children. Perhaps as children they were made to say it and
resented it? maybe they are just lazy or feel they should not have to
say those things- I'm still not sure how it happens but I do know that
being polite and kind to people (any person) helps them feel good
about themselves and helps you feel good about yourself.

~D~