I wrote this in 2010, in response to an interviewer's question:

What’s your perspective on non-violent communication?

I don't like the false overlay "NVC" puts on the world. I've seen people fail to have direct presence and mindfulness because they were mentally trying to label people and judge their expressions of feeling or desire. I prefer people be compassionate and flexible about communicating with others, rather than to pre-decide there is only one way they will communicate or accept being communicated with.

Although it can be a good healing tool for an adult who suffered years of verbal abuse and is in recovery, as a starting place, as something to impose on or require of others, it's unnatural. As for communication between a child and his parents, it's overkill and takes time that could be better used just listening to one another without wondering what a book or a coach would have to say about it.

Choices and compassion will cover that, in an unschooling family where children and parents live closely together as partners.

And also, just for clarification, the name Non-Violent Communication (NVC) can be a bit misleading if you don't know what it is about. It refers to a form of communication that creates choice and eliminates judgement.

I don't care what it's called. Eliminating judgment precludes using good judgment.
I don't like it. It's prescriptive and scripted.

But no matter what the creator(s) of it wanted "Non-Violent" to mean, what it does by language and logic is to divide the world into "violent communication" and "non-violent communication." It condemns other communication.

I think this is something that comes naturally to someone for whom unschooling has become intuitive.

I do, too.

But being in a society where judgement and demands are seen as normal, I have sometimes found it a useful tool to get past all that and into an unschooling mindset.

I think it's not a good overlay on unschooling.
I think making thoughtful decisions, being mindfully present and looking directly at children are better than more terminology and rules.

I used to just get angry right back, or feel guilty thinking I'd done something wrong. It was using the "formula" of NVC that saved us. It helped him be able to recognize and talk about his depression, and it helped me recognize the anger as an expression of unmet needs, and between us, we are able to keep our lives mostly blissful, or when we get busy and forget to check in, we can usually catch it before he spirals downwards. NVC has also helped me recognize and address his (occasional) worries around unschooling. -

When will you let that go, and live directly with him as you can with your son, though?

I like to use the analogy of cell phones. They can be a useful tool to help connect people. They can also work against connection, as when you see a parent sitting on a park bench pushing buttons on their phone instead of playing with their kids.

Sometimes the only way the parent acn be there with the child is to stay in contact with the older kids/teens, or work. If phones and computers allow people to be in two places at once and that gives them more ability to be with their family, it's good.

People don't always know what they're seeing, when they look at the surface of someone with a phone at a table in a restaurant, or on a park bench. Lots of times we've been looking something up, checking lyrics, talking to another of the siblings, or the dad.

I do know many other people like me in our area who use NVC as a tool to help improve their unschooling, so I wanted to make sure I at least attempted to represent it accurately.

It seems to me to dilute the benefits of decisions made mindfully.

My words quoted by her: Attention. Provision. Presence. Unschooling.
Hers quoted by me: I love this! This would be great for Just Add Light and Stir.

I'm glad you like it.
I hope it will help people feel less need for other methods that involve jargon and rules.

And in what context would a statement like this be useful and non-irritating? "I notice that your favorite color is purple."

--And in what context would a statement like this be useful and non-irritating? "I notice that your favorite color is purple."--

I've heard kids say things like this. Probably as a combination of observation and not having yet outgrown a tendency to think out loud. It's not awkward when kids do it. When kids do it, I answer in kind. "Yes, that's my favorite color, how could you tell?" or "No, actually, it's blue. What made you think purple was my favorite?" I have answered cheekily too- "Actually glitter is my favorite color." -- because those are the responses that make sense, or add something, and solicits the response/information I would be interested in having in return. Because that's how conversation works.

I have an adult friend who speaks this way, intentionally, I think as a way of acknowledging other's preferences and/or as a from of validation. She's a very sweet, kind person, I know the intent is good. But the effect is distancing and awkward. It feels patronizing, which is confusing when I know that is not her intent.

It feels like speaking to a person who is unsure of how to talk to people, or a person who is anxious about making other people feel good or comfortable. It doesn't feel like natural conversation.

I wouldn't want to talk that way to my kids.

Is it better than being mean? Yeah.

If a parent came to something like non-violent communication first, before unschooling, and that helped them be nicer and think more nicely about their children, and be mindful of their words, that's good. If a person is struggling to understand unschooling and having trouble communicating with their children, then putting any kind of method or scripting in-between them and their child won't help them get closer to their kids. If a parent can't be nice, and a script would help them be nicer, ok. But a script or method won't help them unschool better.

I know hardly anything about non-violent communication, having never read about it, but the idea that the word 'should' is 'violent' already strikes me as messy and untrue, adding needless negativity and darkness to a word that has a practical use and is not actually violent. 'Slay' is a violent word, "maim,' "murder,' 'force,' 'torture' - those are violent words. "Should" can be used coercively. It is good to be thoughtful about the words we choose, they do shape our thinking.

But it can be as simple as saying that. It can be as simple as learning to be mindful, and focusing on connecting with your child as a real, whole person.

Learning how to do that may not come simply for everyone (it has not for me), especially if there is already a lot of childhood stuff in the way, and the parent isn't feeling like a real, whole person themselves--but putting even more stuff and other ideas in the way will make it even more complicated and drawn out. Learning about how to unschool well, though—that will help the parent feel more whole, too.

I'm not saying it is impossible or untrue that scripting or methods or other parenting books can be helpful to parents. I can see how some ideas could be the beginnings of a shift away from coercive, mainstream parenting, toward something that is more conducive for unschooling, if a parent comes across it before they know or understand much about unschooling.

In a period after reading about and totally not getting but trying to apply unschooling, I was overwhelmed at feeling like a 'failure' at unschooling, and was looking for something still along the lines of what I wanted in my relationship with my children, but that I could maybe do better at. So I looked at other parenting books. There was a big gap between where I was, and where I wanted to go, and there was one book in particular (I won't give the title) that had some ideas that helped me clear up some misconceptions I had that were getting in my way. But it also had other ideas and suggestions that gave me new misconceptions. The book helped me for a short time, but then the new misconceptions put me right back out, same size gap, just in a different place. When I came back to unschooling, I learned about being mindful, and calm, and about slowing down. Those things are what helped me start to get it more.

So, if unschooling is what you want to do, I would focus on that, because it will get you to better places, and more smoothly. I have often reread the links on Sandra's site, and am sometimes shocked by how different my understanding can be after just a few months or even weeks of letting new ideas percolate and be put into practice (or attempted practice).

—Lisa Celedon

(quoting Lisa Celedon):
the idea that the word 'should' is 'violent' already strikes me as messy and untrue, adding needless negativity and darkness to a word that has a practical use and is not actually violent.

It was developed to help two fighting factions communicate their needs to each other. If one factions tells the other it "should" do something, it's going to feel aggressive and controlling. So in that context, it makes sense to eliminate should.

But parents and kids shouldn't be communicating like fighting factions. Which is the problem of reusing one idea to do something different. The new use will end up weirdly structured with awkward artifacts.

Joyce

When Parents have Issues Mindfulness in Unschooling Clarity