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In a message dated 9/27/04 10:35:22 AM, tuckervill2@... writes:

<< A kid knowing that he has that freedom to go and do what he wants AND has
the option to change his mind is much more empowered than one who is forced
to
get up every day, just to practice getting up every day. >>

Seems that way to me too.
But I don't think they're addicted to empowerment.

And part of that empowerment probably came from times when the kids took
paths or exercised obsessions that worried the parents, but the parents trusted
the kids.

It would be hard for me to change courses now and NOT trust that Holly and
Marty and Kirby were thoughtful and responsible. It would be going directly
against something I know is true if I were to pretend they were NOT
trustworthy. But I came to it gradually over years of sometimes worrying and wondering,
but of trying to make the more trusting choices every time.

Marty started a job last week, and hadn't collected his allowance for two
weeks, so last night he had $75 in his pocket, and was restless and wanted to go
do something. He can drive now, too. His nearest-living friend had already
gone to sleep (8:30 at night) but Marty was just antsy to go somewhere. I
asked if he wanted to go to Walmart and pick up some paint for me (for Thinking
Sticks). At first he didn't. Then he did. So at 9:00 he left saying he
might want to buy a video game.

Came back soon with my paint, and no video game.
Borrowed the Hollywood Video card and went to rent one (out the back gate,
across the vacant lot, 9:45 p.m.)

Came back without a rental game because they didn't have one he wanted.

Marty took my van and didn't run around irresponsibly.
Marty had $75 and it didn't burn a hole in his pocket.

I could spend $75 at Walmart without even trying, and on stuff I hadn't even
heard of before I went. But Marty, having had trust and freedom and plenty
(emotionally speaking at least) his whole life is not living as I did, and as I
do.

The other day I was at the dentist for almost two hours, four fillings, shots
in 3/4 of my mouth, very relieved to have it over. And so I rewarded myself
by spending money. I went to a healthfood store I'd never been in and bought
frivolous stuff. Some gifts for Holly's birthday. Cashew Butter. Caraway
seeds, because they were cheap, even though I already have some. A bathbrush
because Holly's broke. I spend money sometimes as self-comfort. None of my
kids do that. (At least I've learned to go and spend on other people, or to
buy food, and I don't do expensive clothes or shoes or whatever all, so I still
have the needy behavior, I just channel it as well as I can.)

I was supposed to wake Marty and Holly up by 11:30. I stood up to go do it,
and met Marty. I started up to wake Holly up, and met her on the stairs.
They had me as backup, but each set an alarm.

They're going to watch Buffy (borrowed DVDs of the first season) with a
friend in a town 20 miles away. Marty's driving. They're stopping by a community
center on the way to try to buy a membership so they can use the gym (exercise
equipment) and gameroom (pool, pingpong, foosball). Their idea. I loaned
him a charge card in case they need to gas the van.

I don't know that people who started attachment parenting and really trusting
kids later in the kids' lives will get those results, but there are people
reading whose kids are still little who are still in the decision making phase.

I think trusting them will pay off in unimaginable ways.

Sandra

Sandra