Words WAS money & kids
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Julie S. wrote:
<<<<< My childhood was happy and fairly carefree >>>>>
I can say this about my childhood as well.
And I also have to say that it was probably one of the biggest
stumbling blocks for me in changing from traditional parenting.
It seems to me that if you come from a NOT good childhood, it's
fairly easy to say, "DOH - I'm not going to do that!" and
search for
something better.
(Maybe it's not)
<<<<< so words just mean words. >>>>>
I think (not to dredge up past discussions - well, ok, maybe a little
shovelful) that there was a huge discussion on this list about the
words "short-order cook" and how those words can be used.
I had to think about those words for a LONG time - at first I
didn't see anything wrong with them. But then, I tried to think
of one - just one - instance in using those words where good, calm,
happy, peaceful thoughts would be felt by both the sayer and the
sayee.
I couldn't do it.
Sometimes, (not always and never when there was hurt or injury
involved), when I would trip or stumble my dad would say,
"What do you do for an encore, Grace?"
I still smile to myself when I think about it. My dad died in 1992
(way too soon) and when my brothers and I get together, that is one
of the phrases we bring up fondly. I was always very good at sports
and not clumsy. (So was my dad.) Isn't there a
kinesthetic "intelligence" about moving your own body?
Anyway, I have it.
So this comment by him was a joke to me and I thought it was funny.
He didn't say it often. I don't remember how old I was when
he first said it to me. I do remember when it hit me what it meant -
I was probably 10 or 11 - and I laughed. I thought it was pretty
clever.
But I don't use that phrase now when someone stumbles.
Not with my children and or anyone else I care about.
( I guess maybe I might use it at an adult party or something - I
have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor and people seem to find me
amusing. )
I just can't think of how those words would build anyone up.
Mercedes
who realizes now that it's always the things that I defend the
most that most need to be examined. . . . .
<<<<< My childhood was happy and fairly carefree >>>>>
I can say this about my childhood as well.
And I also have to say that it was probably one of the biggest
stumbling blocks for me in changing from traditional parenting.
It seems to me that if you come from a NOT good childhood, it's
fairly easy to say, "DOH - I'm not going to do that!" and
search for
something better.
(Maybe it's not)
<<<<< so words just mean words. >>>>>
I think (not to dredge up past discussions - well, ok, maybe a little
shovelful) that there was a huge discussion on this list about the
words "short-order cook" and how those words can be used.
I had to think about those words for a LONG time - at first I
didn't see anything wrong with them. But then, I tried to think
of one - just one - instance in using those words where good, calm,
happy, peaceful thoughts would be felt by both the sayer and the
sayee.
I couldn't do it.
Sometimes, (not always and never when there was hurt or injury
involved), when I would trip or stumble my dad would say,
"What do you do for an encore, Grace?"
I still smile to myself when I think about it. My dad died in 1992
(way too soon) and when my brothers and I get together, that is one
of the phrases we bring up fondly. I was always very good at sports
and not clumsy. (So was my dad.) Isn't there a
kinesthetic "intelligence" about moving your own body?
Anyway, I have it.
So this comment by him was a joke to me and I thought it was funny.
He didn't say it often. I don't remember how old I was when
he first said it to me. I do remember when it hit me what it meant -
I was probably 10 or 11 - and I laughed. I thought it was pretty
clever.
But I don't use that phrase now when someone stumbles.
Not with my children and or anyone else I care about.
( I guess maybe I might use it at an adult party or something - I
have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor and people seem to find me
amusing. )
I just can't think of how those words would build anyone up.
Mercedes
who realizes now that it's always the things that I defend the
most that most need to be examined. . . . .
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/8/04 12:12:51 PM, mulwiler@... writes:
<< What do you do for an encore, Grace?"
<<. . . I was always very good at sports
and not clumsy. (So was my dad.) Isn't there a
kinesthetic "intelligence" about moving your own body?
Anyway, I have it. >>
Good story, Mercedes.
The same words said to someone who was acutely aware of her own clumsiness
could've been devastating. To you it was cute, because a false step was rare
for you physically.
On another list someone said something about me not have carefully considered
something or other I had written about (not in those very words), but it
didn't hurt my feelings at all. It just wasn't remotely true.
One time Marty said something, in a joking way, in a joking situation, and I
said with mock sympathy, "Poor thing. You're just not very smart, are you?"
He came straight back with mock agreement. (I think he had accidentally
provided a straight line for someone else's zinger.)
If I had a child who was a little slow in the mental uptake, I would never
ever joke about not very smart. It wouldn't be a joke. With Marty, in the
context of verbal reparte, there's no chance he will lose confidence in his
ability to bandy words. If someone said "you're not very smart" and really MEANT it
to sting, I don't think it would sting him.
If someone said to me "You clearly care nothing about your children, since
you didn't even send them to school," I wouldn't respond in any frightened way,
and I wouldn't think for half a second "ooh, maybe that's true."
I remember being and being around school kids, and how the insults flew in
all directions, and how many struck home because of the real lack of self esteem
and confidence all around us. That's a whole different world. But just as
homeschoolers can do school-style damage at home if they're not careful to
avoid it, parents can inflict word-damage on children if they're not constantly
aware.
Sandra
<< What do you do for an encore, Grace?"
<<. . . I was always very good at sports
and not clumsy. (So was my dad.) Isn't there a
kinesthetic "intelligence" about moving your own body?
Anyway, I have it. >>
Good story, Mercedes.
The same words said to someone who was acutely aware of her own clumsiness
could've been devastating. To you it was cute, because a false step was rare
for you physically.
On another list someone said something about me not have carefully considered
something or other I had written about (not in those very words), but it
didn't hurt my feelings at all. It just wasn't remotely true.
One time Marty said something, in a joking way, in a joking situation, and I
said with mock sympathy, "Poor thing. You're just not very smart, are you?"
He came straight back with mock agreement. (I think he had accidentally
provided a straight line for someone else's zinger.)
If I had a child who was a little slow in the mental uptake, I would never
ever joke about not very smart. It wouldn't be a joke. With Marty, in the
context of verbal reparte, there's no chance he will lose confidence in his
ability to bandy words. If someone said "you're not very smart" and really MEANT it
to sting, I don't think it would sting him.
If someone said to me "You clearly care nothing about your children, since
you didn't even send them to school," I wouldn't respond in any frightened way,
and I wouldn't think for half a second "ooh, maybe that's true."
I remember being and being around school kids, and how the insults flew in
all directions, and how many struck home because of the real lack of self esteem
and confidence all around us. That's a whole different world. But just as
homeschoolers can do school-style damage at home if they're not careful to
avoid it, parents can inflict word-damage on children if they're not constantly
aware.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/8/2004 3:52:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
context of verbal reparte, there's no chance he will lose confidence in his
ability to bandy words. If someone said "you're not very smart" and really
MEANT it
to sting, I don't think it would sting him.<<
*****************************************
We have an adopted son, who had some major attachment problems because of
neglect, then being put in foster care and many different homes between ages 3
and 7, and we CANNOT joke with him about anything that is remotely personal.
Bless his heart, he takes it all seriously, personally, doesn't laugh or if
he does, you can see it hurts him (noticed many times when it came from someone
outside our family.) We can all be very sarcastic, but he doesn't even
understand the meaning of sarcasm (he's 11 now) so we never joke with him in that
way. He needs positive reinforcement many times a day!
Nancy B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
>>If I had a child who was a little slow in the mental uptake, I would neverever joke about not very smart. It wouldn't be a joke. With Marty, in the
context of verbal reparte, there's no chance he will lose confidence in his
ability to bandy words. If someone said "you're not very smart" and really
MEANT it
to sting, I don't think it would sting him.<<
*****************************************
We have an adopted son, who had some major attachment problems because of
neglect, then being put in foster care and many different homes between ages 3
and 7, and we CANNOT joke with him about anything that is remotely personal.
Bless his heart, he takes it all seriously, personally, doesn't laugh or if
he does, you can see it hurts him (noticed many times when it came from someone
outside our family.) We can all be very sarcastic, but he doesn't even
understand the meaning of sarcasm (he's 11 now) so we never joke with him in that
way. He needs positive reinforcement many times a day!
Nancy B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ann
I was so glad to see this post. I have been lurking for quite a while trying to get a feel for the list. My youngest two children, a ds10 and a dd11 were also adopted at the ages of 6 and 7. I actually don't think of them as adopted; I think of them as born from my heart, and that it just took a bit more time than usual for us to find each other.
I'm on this list because I have been home schooling them since the beginning. My sense was to protect them and provide a safe, loving place for them to heal and to bond with their family. I knew that school would be a cruel place for them. I also felt that we had so much time to make up for, and I didn't want to share them for several hours a day with a school system. These are the things I knew. However, my 'mommy radar' tells me that there is more I can do (or maybe stop doing:0), that there is something about this whole 'me being in charge of the schooling thing' that isn't quite a fit. Hence I sought and found this list and I am learning. I can't help but think of something I heard Maya Angelou say once...I'm paraphrasing...'I did the best I knew to do, but when I knew better, I did better.' I'm seeking a way to bring my children into an even stronger place.
I think I've found the sort of village that I need that may not mind helping us sort out all the healing, learning, growing, or whatever comes by. I've got a lot of unschooling to do, miles of head tape to erase, and two beautiful children that are worth all the effort. So I'm going to keep listening, but I also realize that it might be nice to chime in from time to time.
Ann
Ann
CelticFrau@... wrote:
We have an adopted son, who had some major attachment problems because of
neglect, then being put in foster care and many different homes between ages 3
and 7, and we CANNOT joke with him about anything that is remotely personal.
Bless his heart, he takes it all seriously, personally, doesn't laugh or if
he does, you can see it hurts him (noticed many times when it came from someone
outside our family.) We can all be very sarcastic, but he doesn't even
understand the meaning of sarcasm (he's 11 now) so we never joke with him in that
way. He needs positive reinforcement many times a day!
Nancy B.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm on this list because I have been home schooling them since the beginning. My sense was to protect them and provide a safe, loving place for them to heal and to bond with their family. I knew that school would be a cruel place for them. I also felt that we had so much time to make up for, and I didn't want to share them for several hours a day with a school system. These are the things I knew. However, my 'mommy radar' tells me that there is more I can do (or maybe stop doing:0), that there is something about this whole 'me being in charge of the schooling thing' that isn't quite a fit. Hence I sought and found this list and I am learning. I can't help but think of something I heard Maya Angelou say once...I'm paraphrasing...'I did the best I knew to do, but when I knew better, I did better.' I'm seeking a way to bring my children into an even stronger place.
I think I've found the sort of village that I need that may not mind helping us sort out all the healing, learning, growing, or whatever comes by. I've got a lot of unschooling to do, miles of head tape to erase, and two beautiful children that are worth all the effort. So I'm going to keep listening, but I also realize that it might be nice to chime in from time to time.
Ann
Ann
CelticFrau@... wrote:
We have an adopted son, who had some major attachment problems because of
neglect, then being put in foster care and many different homes between ages 3
and 7, and we CANNOT joke with him about anything that is remotely personal.
Bless his heart, he takes it all seriously, personally, doesn't laugh or if
he does, you can see it hurts him (noticed many times when it came from someone
outside our family.) We can all be very sarcastic, but he doesn't even
understand the meaning of sarcasm (he's 11 now) so we never joke with him in that
way. He needs positive reinforcement many times a day!
Nancy B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
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Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
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