Being Patient with dh WAS money & kids/cleaning
[email protected]
Lisa Heyman wrote:
<<<<< I am always amazed with myself how easily I can accept,
respect and give my children what i cannot easily accept, respect and
give to myself or other adults (specifically dh). >>>>>>
I would have to say that this issue was a real roadblock, actually
probably the biggest roadblock, for my family in the switch to
mindful parenting. I was so busy accepting, respecting, and giving to
my children that dh kinda got left out in the cold. It was not good.
Part of it was that I was feeling guilty for all the control we had
used when they were little. We spanked. We punished. We coerced.
We imposed consequences. We gave false choices. Pretty traditional.
Then - BAM - I see the light!
OK - it wasn't exactly BAM. It took a few years. . . . .
Anyway, I was very impatient with dh because although we no longer
spanked or even punished, he just hadn't seen the light (yet).
It is a big thing for anyone to wrap their head around and our
children were already big - one already gone, one almost 17 at home
with whom we were have "traditional troubles" and one 10yo.
The troubles we were having from dh's perspective just weren't
that big.
I guess what I am trying to say is to be very gentle with those great
husbands who go to work everyday, provide the opportunity to be home
with the children, are trying their best to be a great dad but just
don't get it (yet).
<<<<< Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to recognize the
hypocrisy of my actions and then adjust accordingly. >>>>>
I was so angry that "no one" had told me about birthing with
a midwife, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, mindful parenting. A
friend of mine (a LaLeche unschooling friend who is making the change
to mindful parenting) told me I needed to grieve for the missed
opportunities in my relationships with my children.
She was right.
Mercedes
who's thinking that this is probably why I had such leaky eyes at
the conference . . . . . .
<<<<< I am always amazed with myself how easily I can accept,
respect and give my children what i cannot easily accept, respect and
give to myself or other adults (specifically dh). >>>>>>
I would have to say that this issue was a real roadblock, actually
probably the biggest roadblock, for my family in the switch to
mindful parenting. I was so busy accepting, respecting, and giving to
my children that dh kinda got left out in the cold. It was not good.
Part of it was that I was feeling guilty for all the control we had
used when they were little. We spanked. We punished. We coerced.
We imposed consequences. We gave false choices. Pretty traditional.
Then - BAM - I see the light!
OK - it wasn't exactly BAM. It took a few years. . . . .
Anyway, I was very impatient with dh because although we no longer
spanked or even punished, he just hadn't seen the light (yet).
It is a big thing for anyone to wrap their head around and our
children were already big - one already gone, one almost 17 at home
with whom we were have "traditional troubles" and one 10yo.
The troubles we were having from dh's perspective just weren't
that big.
I guess what I am trying to say is to be very gentle with those great
husbands who go to work everyday, provide the opportunity to be home
with the children, are trying their best to be a great dad but just
don't get it (yet).
<<<<< Sometimes it takes a conscious effort to recognize the
hypocrisy of my actions and then adjust accordingly. >>>>>
I was so angry that "no one" had told me about birthing with
a midwife, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, mindful parenting. A
friend of mine (a LaLeche unschooling friend who is making the change
to mindful parenting) told me I needed to grieve for the missed
opportunities in my relationships with my children.
She was right.
Mercedes
who's thinking that this is probably why I had such leaky eyes at
the conference . . . . . .
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/7/2004 12:15:33 AM Eastern Standard Time,
mulwiler@... writes:
was still a very controlling mom. Only one hour of TV, bedtimes, no eating
after a certain time...lots of rules with no rhyme or reason although at the time
it seemed like a good idea. My kids are now 11 and 15 and I felt some sadness
at the conference as I watched all those younger children who had always been
unschooled. I felt like saying.."Could I have a do over, please?"
Brenna took some pictures of Diana (HaHaMommy's kids) and she said yesterday,
"I noticed all the kids at the conference had those joyful expressions."
She captured those images in the pictures of Hayden and Hannah (mailing them to
you today Diana). Those pictures and so many of the expresssions of the
children had such a lightness and joy.
I understand the grieving for the opportunities missed with our children but
I'm so thankful that we still have the time with them that we do. Enough time
to make a difference in their lives and hopefully in their children's lives.
Even though we made the changes late, the important thing is that we made the
changes.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mulwiler@... writes:
> AWhile I didn't have many of these issues...I never spanked or punished...I
> friend of mine (a LaLeche unschooling friend who is making the change
> to mindful parenting) told me I needed to grieve for the missed
> opportunities in my relationships with my children.
>
was still a very controlling mom. Only one hour of TV, bedtimes, no eating
after a certain time...lots of rules with no rhyme or reason although at the time
it seemed like a good idea. My kids are now 11 and 15 and I felt some sadness
at the conference as I watched all those younger children who had always been
unschooled. I felt like saying.."Could I have a do over, please?"
Brenna took some pictures of Diana (HaHaMommy's kids) and she said yesterday,
"I noticed all the kids at the conference had those joyful expressions."
She captured those images in the pictures of Hayden and Hannah (mailing them to
you today Diana). Those pictures and so many of the expresssions of the
children had such a lightness and joy.
I understand the grieving for the opportunities missed with our children but
I'm so thankful that we still have the time with them that we do. Enough time
to make a difference in their lives and hopefully in their children's lives.
Even though we made the changes late, the important thing is that we made the
changes.
Gail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/6/04 10:15:47 PM, mulwiler@... writes:
<<
I guess what I am trying to say is to be very gentle with those great
husbands who go to work everyday, provide the opportunity to be home
with the children, are trying their best to be a great dad but just
don't get it (yet). >>
Inside every big strong hairy man is a little boy who might not have gotten
all the love and attention he wanted when he was three, or six, or nine. Men
generally aren't as into reparenting themselves as women might be, or into
being analytical about what they could have used as children. So while I was
reparenting myself, I tried to remember to pass some of that on to Keith. I
would just touch him gently sometimes as I passed, kiss him on the head and say
"thanks" while he was paying bills, bring him a drink or a snack where he was
working in the garage or the yard or watching a movie by himself--same kinds
of things I would do for the kids, I started trying to do for him. It was
nice. I didn't TELL him "I know there's a hurt little boy inside you." I just
started mothering him a little bit too, and what happened was the manly
outsides got softer and sweeter.
Sandra
<<
I guess what I am trying to say is to be very gentle with those great
husbands who go to work everyday, provide the opportunity to be home
with the children, are trying their best to be a great dad but just
don't get it (yet). >>
Inside every big strong hairy man is a little boy who might not have gotten
all the love and attention he wanted when he was three, or six, or nine. Men
generally aren't as into reparenting themselves as women might be, or into
being analytical about what they could have used as children. So while I was
reparenting myself, I tried to remember to pass some of that on to Keith. I
would just touch him gently sometimes as I passed, kiss him on the head and say
"thanks" while he was paying bills, bring him a drink or a snack where he was
working in the garage or the yard or watching a movie by himself--same kinds
of things I would do for the kids, I started trying to do for him. It was
nice. I didn't TELL him "I know there's a hurt little boy inside you." I just
started mothering him a little bit too, and what happened was the manly
outsides got softer and sweeter.
Sandra
Shannon Rizzo
Thank you so much for saying this. It is very insightful and more coherent
than I could put together as my own reminder ATM, but it will definitely be
saved into my keeper folder to remind myself periodically. My husband was
spanked, left to CIO, before his mother matured and stopped. He is really
patient with our kids, loves to just play with them, isn't as analytical
about parenting but has great instincts. And I'm sure he could use a bit
more gentle parenting as you described.
Shannon R
(mom to Heather, Isabella, Luke, Jake)
-----Original Message-----
Inside every big strong hairy man is a little boy who might not have gotten
all the love and attention he wanted when he was three, or six, or nine.
Men
generally aren't as into reparenting themselves as women might be, or into
being analytical about what they could have used as children. So while I
was
reparenting myself, I tried to remember to pass some of that on to Keith. I
would just touch him gently sometimes as I passed, kiss him on the head and
say
"thanks" while he was paying bills, bring him a drink or a snack where he
was
working in the garage or the yard or watching a movie by himself--same kinds
of things I would do for the kids, I started trying to do for him. It was
nice. I didn't TELL him "I know there's a hurt little boy inside you." I
just
started mothering him a little bit too, and what happened was the manly
outsides got softer and sweeter.
Sandra
than I could put together as my own reminder ATM, but it will definitely be
saved into my keeper folder to remind myself periodically. My husband was
spanked, left to CIO, before his mother matured and stopped. He is really
patient with our kids, loves to just play with them, isn't as analytical
about parenting but has great instincts. And I'm sure he could use a bit
more gentle parenting as you described.
Shannon R
(mom to Heather, Isabella, Luke, Jake)
-----Original Message-----
Inside every big strong hairy man is a little boy who might not have gotten
all the love and attention he wanted when he was three, or six, or nine.
Men
generally aren't as into reparenting themselves as women might be, or into
being analytical about what they could have used as children. So while I
was
reparenting myself, I tried to remember to pass some of that on to Keith. I
would just touch him gently sometimes as I passed, kiss him on the head and
say
"thanks" while he was paying bills, bring him a drink or a snack where he
was
working in the garage or the yard or watching a movie by himself--same kinds
of things I would do for the kids, I started trying to do for him. It was
nice. I didn't TELL him "I know there's a hurt little boy inside you." I
just
started mothering him a little bit too, and what happened was the manly
outsides got softer and sweeter.
Sandra
[email protected]
Gail wrote:
<<<<< I understand the grieving for the opportunities missed with our
children but I'm so thankful that we still have the time with them
that we do. Enough time to make a difference in their lives and
hopefully in their children's lives. Even though we made the changes
late, the important thing is that we made the changes. >>>>
Sometimes when I talk to Madelyn (whose major desire in life is to be
a mom) I think about how lucky her children are going to be.
Maybe I could come back as one of her children - hey, didn't I
read about that in the National Enquirer?
"Daughter Gives Birth to Own Mother"
Mercedes
I only read the headine - really!
<<<<< I understand the grieving for the opportunities missed with our
children but I'm so thankful that we still have the time with them
that we do. Enough time to make a difference in their lives and
hopefully in their children's lives. Even though we made the changes
late, the important thing is that we made the changes. >>>>
Sometimes when I talk to Madelyn (whose major desire in life is to be
a mom) I think about how lucky her children are going to be.
Maybe I could come back as one of her children - hey, didn't I
read about that in the National Enquirer?
"Daughter Gives Birth to Own Mother"
Mercedes
I only read the headine - really!