Lisa H

Diana wrote: << He was so surprised by what happens when you tell kids the truth! He wants to know what you whispered to Fire to get her to stop ~ I suspected an empathy statement, like, "YOU sure wouldn't like it, neither does David" or maybe it was just as simple as, "He's playing silly, but it really hurts his
feelings"

I was giving him wide berth to put a stop to it on his own terms, to
speak up about his own needs and as an adult, he didn't quite know what to
do... Which is where Lisa stepped in and whispered something (???) to Fire
and the whole thing stopped and the rest of the night was wonderful! :)
>>

I try never to say things to my kids like: "You wouldnt like it if...or how would you feel if...<or> remember when that happened to you..." I will sometimes reiterate someone else's expressed feelings in a situation if my kids didn't hear it directly. That seems to be enough (most of the time).

So my stepping in was actually on his behave. I've noticed that some adults don't realize they can be direct and honest with kids and need help. (Schooled or manipulated/coerced kids also sometimes need help in expressing their feelings directly and honestly). So in the case where adult David was being teased by child and i sensed his discomfort, i asked him directly in front of Fire if he would prefer not to be called whatever name he was being called. He stopped play acting and replied to me "yes, I don't like that." I don't recall whispering anything specific to Fire at the time other than perhaps being sure that she was aware of his request. I hadn't realized he didn't hear what i said to her. I generally don't initiate whispering to my children (or anyone for that matter) in front of other people. Once she was aware of his truth, that seemed to be enough for her to change her behavior.

Lisa Heyman

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