Cynthia

I'm brand new here and I've only just read through the age appropriate
thread, but reading that thread has prompted these thoughts:

1st thought- some people think that young children 2yrs+ understand
the difference between make-believe and reality. I'm not quite so sure
about that. My daughter who is 4 now, has been to three funerals in
the past year for her grandpa, grandma and uncle. She was actually
present when grandma died (the whole family was bedside). She
understands that these people are gone but clearly does not have a
firm grasp on what death is. How can a young child who doesn't
understand death, understand make-believe or reality?

2nd thought-I personally don't like saying "they've gone to heaven/be
with the angels/to a better place" because for one, I've heard
children regurgitate this and they clearly don't know what they're
talking about. And for another, "a better place" implies that we are
living somewhere second best right now.

3rd thought- We have told our 4 year old (3 at the time of the deaths)
that these people are gone forever (she is just now understanding
yesterday, today, tomorrow). She seems to accept this and understand
it to some extent, but she also thinks these people live in the ground
at the cemetery. So we have tried telling her that the body dies and
goes away but the spirit stays forever inside all of us. That when she
laughs, she sounds like grandma; when she draws, her skill comes from
grandpa; that we all have little bits of each other inside ourselves
and that is what spirit is. This is one thing she does seem to
understand quite well. She will say "I have the same smile as Uncle
Paul" "I sleep just like daddy".....she really does sleep in the same
manner as daddy ever since she was newborn! She loves looking at
family photos and finding similarities.

4th thought- I believed in Santa longer than several of my friends, I
also believed that the cowboys were really shot and dead at Knott's
Berry Farm (a live act). Yet I remember around that time, knowing that
animals were dead if hit by cars and that I also had to stay out of
the street or I might die. What kind of perception of reality is that?

I sincerely would like to read other people's thoughts on dealing with
death and children. One thing I'm fairly certain of is that there is
no particular age or light bulb moment of understanding death. I do
think there are some things in life we grow into understanding over
time and some things we just can't ever totally understand. -Cynthia

jennefer harper

>she also thinks these people live in the ground
>at the cemetery.

Perhaps this part can be explained by comparing it to
food in a compost bin?

-Jennefer



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Cynthia

Hmm, is this topic too touchy or too boring? Or was I supposed to
write a little intro/bio before venturing in? -Cynthia

Dawn Adams

>she also thinks these people live in the ground
>at the cemetery.

Jennifer writes:
>Perhaps this part can be explained by comparing it to
>food in a compost bin?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Oh! My daughter an I watched a ground squirrel rot away last fall (she was 5, I think she would have liked to watch if she were 3 - all the neat bugs) and that really helped her understand what death involved. It was REALLY neat to watch and some of the beetles we saw were stunning. Might help if the opportunity arises. She's also got a raging interest in mummies at the moment, this after an interest this spring in sex, so we've got the biggies covered. :)
We were discussing death yesterday and I said I wanted my body donated to a university for future doctors to study. She said, in a very serious tone, "Mommy, I just want to be bug food."

Dawn (in NS)




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In a message dated 8/18/2004 6:41:20 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
Wishbone@... writes:

We were discussing death yesterday and I said I wanted my body donated to a
university for future doctors to study. She said, in a very serious tone,
"Mommy, I just want to be bug food."<<<<


Ren posted this site here (or somewhere else), and I read an article about
it in AARP. If she'd REALLY like to be bug food <g>, this might be an option.

_http://www.glendalenaturepreserve.org/_
(http://www.glendalenaturepreserve.org/)

The first one was started in Westminster, SC by an ecology-minded doctor.
They've opened another in FL , somewhere else, and are working on one in CA. I
think it's brilliant! We've always said we'd be cremated, but this looks
pretty cool.

~Kelly







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Sylvia Toyama

>she also thinks these people live in the ground
>at the cemetery.

****

A little girl I babysat was very confused about the funeral home. She was almost 4, and her grandma died. She had gone to the funeral home to see Grandma at a viewing or funeral, and had apparently been told G'ma had gone to heaven. The next time we drove past the funeral home on our way somewhere else, she excitedly pointed out to Andy 'that's heaven -- it's where my grandma is.' I had quite a time explaining to them both that it was the funeral home, heaven was somewhere else entirely.

When my oldest was almost 5, an aunt of mine died very suddenly (also quite young). He didn't really process things right away, but seemed to grasp it slowly. Several months later his pre-school teacher confided to me that he had told her about his thought on heaven and how nice it must be for everyone with his Aunt Susie there. Then, several months later his pet mouse died and he was devastated -- I think he was just finally grieving the earlier loss, in that now he understood death as permanent.

By the time we were facing my grandma's death 8 yrs later, he was able to appreciate how precious time with her was before she died.

Syl



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In a message dated 8/19/04 7:24:16 AM, flmpw@... writes:

<< Hmm, is this topic too touchy or too boring? Or was I supposed to

write a little intro/bio before venturing in? -Cynthia >>

None of the above.
Probably nobody found the urge to write about it, but I bet a bunch read it.

We can't tell what will touch off lots of response and what won't. Sorry.

Sandra