Mothering rather than campaigning
Julie Bogart
The thread about eating and monitoring behavior based on a mother's beliefs hits home
here. One of the dangers with "imposing" a viewpoint on children is that you leave yourself
little room to evolve or grow. Kids take what their parents say and do as true - right,
correct, logical. Ask any child who to vote for in the next election and the name of the
parents' choice will pop out.
Adults spend time choosing their beliefs. They make decisions about health, politics, the
environment, education and religion based on reading, life experience, dialog, facts and,
let's face it, their personal neuroses! <g> So often we think that once we have come to our
personal belief conclusions, that we've "arrived" at some point of clarity or insight that is
immovable or will remain correct for... ever.
So we short circuit the process of investigation or exploration for our kids, telling them
what took us years to "conclude," and we get a little testy or anxious when our kids don't
automatically understand things the way we do (or we take undeserved pride in a child
who "turns down sugar" as though he did that for the same set of reasons we don't eat
sugar).
But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"? What if
someone changes faiths, stops believing that the rain forests are being depleted by my
fast food habit, decides not to be vegetarian any more, changes from traditional schooling
to unschooling, goes back to work after staying home, uses a bottle in addition to breast
feeding?
What happens to kids who have been told repeatedly what is right and what is wrong, only
to have a parent change her mind?
They become disoriented because they haven't developed a philosophy that says they
must grow, change and decide for themselves, too. They were used to taking a parent's
conclusion as the euqivalent of truth.
My objective with my kids now is to live my life, my values, in front of them; to share what
my process is, but to also remind them that they are free to make their own choices. They
will have my love - gay or straight, Christian or non, unschooled or public schooled, breast
feeding mother or bottle feeding, vegetarian or carnivore...
When I found my faith in a tailspin, I learned with firsthand experience how important it is
to be loved while growing, changing and learning - what it means to have my process
honored, even if it causes discomfort and upheaval. And my kids saw firsthand that I don't
have all the answers for everyone, for them, not even for myself.
Julie B
here. One of the dangers with "imposing" a viewpoint on children is that you leave yourself
little room to evolve or grow. Kids take what their parents say and do as true - right,
correct, logical. Ask any child who to vote for in the next election and the name of the
parents' choice will pop out.
Adults spend time choosing their beliefs. They make decisions about health, politics, the
environment, education and religion based on reading, life experience, dialog, facts and,
let's face it, their personal neuroses! <g> So often we think that once we have come to our
personal belief conclusions, that we've "arrived" at some point of clarity or insight that is
immovable or will remain correct for... ever.
So we short circuit the process of investigation or exploration for our kids, telling them
what took us years to "conclude," and we get a little testy or anxious when our kids don't
automatically understand things the way we do (or we take undeserved pride in a child
who "turns down sugar" as though he did that for the same set of reasons we don't eat
sugar).
But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"? What if
someone changes faiths, stops believing that the rain forests are being depleted by my
fast food habit, decides not to be vegetarian any more, changes from traditional schooling
to unschooling, goes back to work after staying home, uses a bottle in addition to breast
feeding?
What happens to kids who have been told repeatedly what is right and what is wrong, only
to have a parent change her mind?
They become disoriented because they haven't developed a philosophy that says they
must grow, change and decide for themselves, too. They were used to taking a parent's
conclusion as the euqivalent of truth.
My objective with my kids now is to live my life, my values, in front of them; to share what
my process is, but to also remind them that they are free to make their own choices. They
will have my love - gay or straight, Christian or non, unschooled or public schooled, breast
feeding mother or bottle feeding, vegetarian or carnivore...
When I found my faith in a tailspin, I learned with firsthand experience how important it is
to be loved while growing, changing and learning - what it means to have my process
honored, even if it causes discomfort and upheaval. And my kids saw firsthand that I don't
have all the answers for everyone, for them, not even for myself.
Julie B
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/9/04 7:36:01 AM, julie@... writes:
<< But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"?
years of having told their kids that school is right and good, they change their
minds. Eeeep.
Sometimes the kids are disturbed by that turnaround.
-=-They become disoriented because they haven't developed a philosophy that
says they
must grow, change and decide for themselves, too. They were used to taking a
parent's
conclusion as the euqivalent of truth.
-=-
As each of my kids separately, in his or her own time, asked who the first
person on the planet was, or where people first came from, I told each kid-level
versions of two stories: Adam and Eve, and evolution. I told them "A lot of
people think X because [it's in the Bible/researchers have found...]. Each
kid asked me which one I believed. I said nobody knows for sure what happened
and they should figure out what THEY believe, as they get older.
They all objected to my answer. <G> That's okay. That's an easy one not to
get attached to, because I don't think it matters. (I did tell them that,
that I don't think it matters, which would have been an answer if they knew more
theology.)
Some parents are eager to tell their children exactly what happened. Too
many of them don't qualify the statement with WHY they think that's what
happened. It becomes part of teaching kids not to think. Schools do that too often.
People shouldn't do it at home.
-=-My objective with my kids now is to live my life, my values, in front of
them; to share what
my process is, but to also remind them that they are free to make their own
choices. They
will have my love - gay or straight, Christian or non, unschooled or public
schooled, breast
feeding mother or bottle feeding, vegetarian or carnivore...-=-
That's really sweet.
I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the rest
are fine with me.
Sandra
<< But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"?
>>That's the main problem a lot of new unschoolers have to overcome. After
years of having told their kids that school is right and good, they change their
minds. Eeeep.
Sometimes the kids are disturbed by that turnaround.
-=-They become disoriented because they haven't developed a philosophy that
says they
must grow, change and decide for themselves, too. They were used to taking a
parent's
conclusion as the euqivalent of truth.
-=-
As each of my kids separately, in his or her own time, asked who the first
person on the planet was, or where people first came from, I told each kid-level
versions of two stories: Adam and Eve, and evolution. I told them "A lot of
people think X because [it's in the Bible/researchers have found...]. Each
kid asked me which one I believed. I said nobody knows for sure what happened
and they should figure out what THEY believe, as they get older.
They all objected to my answer. <G> That's okay. That's an easy one not to
get attached to, because I don't think it matters. (I did tell them that,
that I don't think it matters, which would have been an answer if they knew more
theology.)
Some parents are eager to tell their children exactly what happened. Too
many of them don't qualify the statement with WHY they think that's what
happened. It becomes part of teaching kids not to think. Schools do that too often.
People shouldn't do it at home.
-=-My objective with my kids now is to live my life, my values, in front of
them; to share what
my process is, but to also remind them that they are free to make their own
choices. They
will have my love - gay or straight, Christian or non, unschooled or public
schooled, breast
feeding mother or bottle feeding, vegetarian or carnivore...-=-
That's really sweet.
I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the rest
are fine with me.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/9/2004 12:12:07 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"?
years of having told their kids that school is right and good, they change
their
minds. Eeeep.
Sometimes the kids are disturbed by that turnaround.<<<<
Happened here. VERY hard to readjust.
Homeroommom, parents' board, graduate----all adds up to "how could my mom
change her beliefs that much?"----a complete turn-around.
I'm sure Cameron was quite befuddled. I'm sorry I didn't find out sooner.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
But what happens when one day we realize: "Hey, I no longer believe that"?
>>That's the main problem a lot of new unschoolers have to overcome. After
years of having told their kids that school is right and good, they change
their
minds. Eeeep.
Sometimes the kids are disturbed by that turnaround.<<<<
Happened here. VERY hard to readjust.
Homeroommom, parents' board, graduate----all adds up to "how could my mom
change her beliefs that much?"----a complete turn-around.
I'm sure Cameron was quite befuddled. I'm sorry I didn't find out sooner.
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On Aug 9, 2004, at 10:31 AM, kbcdlovejo@... wrote:
ever, really. Just gave in, more or less. But, he used to complain all
the time, too, about the work I did as PTA treasurer and school site
council member, etc.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> Homeroommom, parents' board, graduate----all adds up to "how could myIt was my husband who had a hard time re-adjusting. In fact, he hasn't
> mom
> change her beliefs that much?"----a complete turn-around.
>
> I'm sure Cameron was quite befuddled. I'm sorry I didn't find out
> sooner.
>
ever, really. Just gave in, more or less. But, he used to complain all
the time, too, about the work I did as PTA treasurer and school site
council member, etc.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/9/2004 11:11:52 AM Central Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the
rest
are fine with me.
~~~
Yeah, except you'll likely have daughters-in-law whom you have no control
over, and your ability to influence will have to be earned. There's too much
good to come out of fostering a good in-law relationship with my son's wives
to die on that hill.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the
rest
are fine with me.
~~~
Yeah, except you'll likely have daughters-in-law whom you have no control
over, and your ability to influence will have to be earned. There's too much
good to come out of fostering a good in-law relationship with my son's wives
to die on that hill.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Bogart
--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
have done (hospital birth with drugs, working outside the home while raising children,
bottle-feeding, joining the military, vaccinating for every disease, plastic surgery for
bigger boobs <g>...)
By facing some of those "repugnant" choices in my imagination now, I hope I'm reminding
myself of how much I want them to be their own people and that love for them isn't
dependent on my approval... and to allow for growth, change and error in their lives too
just as I've experienced those things as an adult, as well.
Julie B :-)
>I figure I'll find out how much I love them when they choose to do the thing I would never
> That's really sweet.
> I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the rest
> are fine with me.
have done (hospital birth with drugs, working outside the home while raising children,
bottle-feeding, joining the military, vaccinating for every disease, plastic surgery for
bigger boobs <g>...)
By facing some of those "repugnant" choices in my imagination now, I hope I'm reminding
myself of how much I want them to be their own people and that love for them isn't
dependent on my approval... and to allow for growth, change and error in their lives too
just as I've experienced those things as an adult, as well.
Julie B :-)
Kelly Muzyczka
> TheyLOL!
>
>will have my love - gay or straight, Christian or non, unschooled or public
>schooled, breast
>
>feeding mother or bottle feeding, vegetarian or carnivore...-=-
>
>That's really sweet.
>I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along, but the rest
>are fine with me.
>
>
>Sandra
I'm finding I'd have trouble with the bottle, too. More than if they were
rational Christians. How off.
Kelly
eriksmama2001
You all are rocking some worlds out here. Your love is powerful.
Pat
--- In [email protected], "Julie Bogart"
<julie@b...> wrote:
Pat
--- In [email protected], "Julie Bogart"
<julie@b...> wrote:
> --- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:but the rest
> >
> > That's really sweet.
> > I'll have trouble with a bottle-feeding thing if it comes along,
> > are fine with me.the thing I would never
>
> I figure I'll find out how much I love them when they choose to do
> have done (hospital birth with drugs, working outside the homewhile raising children,
> bottle-feeding, joining the military, vaccinating for everydisease, plastic surgery for
> bigger boobs <g>...)I hope I'm reminding
>
> By facing some of those "repugnant" choices in my imagination now,
> myself of how much I want them to be their own people and that lovefor them isn't
> dependent on my approval... and to allow for growth, change anderror in their lives too
> just as I've experienced those things as an adult, as well.
>
> Julie B :-)