Re: ASSISTED LIVING, ETC...
Ali Kat
Robyn,
Your suggestions are good. A home equity loan will not work - neither one of us has the finances (I make $10.30 an hour for 3 people...) and neither one of us has credit for it anyways. Also, since I am moving in January it wouldn't make sense to get a loan that I would be responsible for and unable to pay while paying rent, etc... Additionally, I don't want any legal troubles with my father since the house is in his name and her name. He is currently incarcerated and when he gets out my mom plans on divorcing him. I don't want him suing me because I signed for a loan etc... Lastly, I will be getting married in about a year and do not want to take anymore debt into my marriage than I already have. I don't think that's fair to do to my fiancee.
My mother refuses to consider renting out... she's afraid of people ruining the house, smoking, etc. ALSO it is in no condition to have anyone there. We have paths through all her stuff (which I have tried to clean but she refuses because she claims SHE needs to go through it all). Heck... you have to dump water in the toilet tank to flush it because it isn't hooked up to water lines, we only have 1 working phone jack, and the electrical is something to be desired between missing light fixtures and non-working outlets... I try, but there's only so much I can do at a time. I think it's all a mental thing for my mom, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's getting worse, not better. It has begun to negatively affect my daughter and I don't want that at all for her. The whole thing is a mess.
Assisted living would be nice, but she'd also do fine in a small apartment of her own where she didn't have to worry about anything. It's just getting her to consider those options that seems impossible.
*****
It is obvious that your daughter *needs* more
attention from you. What does she do/where is she
when you are working?
trying to keep up with the reading,
Jennefer in Oregon
*************
My daughter is with my mom right now. I don't know what I will do when I move. I am not sure my mom is "healthy" for her to be with anymore, and I don't know if I can afford child care while I am working. I am looking into potential assistance, but I may not qualify for much with my income. I am trying to find something that I may be able to do from home as far as work goes. I find it hard to focus on my daughter with the 101 things going on at home that need done and the constant voice of my mother in my head (or my ears...)
My mom has a hard time seeing me as an adult too, and I feel like a kid being ordered around by her all the time. I have even begun to feel like I have no say in my daughter's life and care. Nothing I ever do is "right" or "good". There is always something wrong ro missing that is all my responsibility according to mom (i.e. I feed Bekka too much corn and peas which makes her overweight - but never mind my mom feeds her bologna and hotdogs for lunch all the time...). There are gigantic boundary issues, and it gets worse. It's beyond frustrating. We used to have a good relationship, but between all the stuff she's dealing with emotionally and us living on top of each other it has become impossible to maintain a well-defined relationship. I have often thought that maybe things would be different if I had my own place. Even if she eventually moved in, it would be "MY" place, and perhaps I would have more of a backbone when it comes to finances, house, child, etc...
I just don't know.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Your suggestions are good. A home equity loan will not work - neither one of us has the finances (I make $10.30 an hour for 3 people...) and neither one of us has credit for it anyways. Also, since I am moving in January it wouldn't make sense to get a loan that I would be responsible for and unable to pay while paying rent, etc... Additionally, I don't want any legal troubles with my father since the house is in his name and her name. He is currently incarcerated and when he gets out my mom plans on divorcing him. I don't want him suing me because I signed for a loan etc... Lastly, I will be getting married in about a year and do not want to take anymore debt into my marriage than I already have. I don't think that's fair to do to my fiancee.
My mother refuses to consider renting out... she's afraid of people ruining the house, smoking, etc. ALSO it is in no condition to have anyone there. We have paths through all her stuff (which I have tried to clean but she refuses because she claims SHE needs to go through it all). Heck... you have to dump water in the toilet tank to flush it because it isn't hooked up to water lines, we only have 1 working phone jack, and the electrical is something to be desired between missing light fixtures and non-working outlets... I try, but there's only so much I can do at a time. I think it's all a mental thing for my mom, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's getting worse, not better. It has begun to negatively affect my daughter and I don't want that at all for her. The whole thing is a mess.
Assisted living would be nice, but she'd also do fine in a small apartment of her own where she didn't have to worry about anything. It's just getting her to consider those options that seems impossible.
*****
It is obvious that your daughter *needs* more
attention from you. What does she do/where is she
when you are working?
trying to keep up with the reading,
Jennefer in Oregon
*************
My daughter is with my mom right now. I don't know what I will do when I move. I am not sure my mom is "healthy" for her to be with anymore, and I don't know if I can afford child care while I am working. I am looking into potential assistance, but I may not qualify for much with my income. I am trying to find something that I may be able to do from home as far as work goes. I find it hard to focus on my daughter with the 101 things going on at home that need done and the constant voice of my mother in my head (or my ears...)
My mom has a hard time seeing me as an adult too, and I feel like a kid being ordered around by her all the time. I have even begun to feel like I have no say in my daughter's life and care. Nothing I ever do is "right" or "good". There is always something wrong ro missing that is all my responsibility according to mom (i.e. I feed Bekka too much corn and peas which makes her overweight - but never mind my mom feeds her bologna and hotdogs for lunch all the time...). There are gigantic boundary issues, and it gets worse. It's beyond frustrating. We used to have a good relationship, but between all the stuff she's dealing with emotionally and us living on top of each other it has become impossible to maintain a well-defined relationship. I have often thought that maybe things would be different if I had my own place. Even if she eventually moved in, it would be "MY" place, and perhaps I would have more of a backbone when it comes to finances, house, child, etc...
I just don't know.
---------------------------------
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn Coburn
<<<Also, since I am moving in January it wouldn't make sense to get a loan
that I would be responsible for and unable to pay while paying rent, etc...
Additionally, I don't want any legal troubles with my father since the house
is in his name and her name. He is currently incarcerated and when he gets
out my mom plans on divorcing him. I don't want him suing me because I
signed for a loan etc... Lastly, I will be getting married in about a year
and do not want to take anymore debt into my marriage than I already have.
I don't think that's fair to do to my fiancee.
[snip] My daughter is with my mom right now. I don't know what I will do
when I move. I am not sure my mom is "healthy" for her to be with anymore,
and I don't know if I can afford child care while I am working.
[snip] mom has a hard time seeing me as an adult too, and I feel like a kid
being ordered around by her all the time. I have even begun to feel like I
have no say in my daughter's life and care. Nothing I ever do is "right" or
"good". There is always something wrong ro missing that is all my
responsibility according to mom (i.e. I feed Bekka too much corn and peas
which makes her overweight - but never mind my mom feeds her bologna and
hotdogs for lunch all the time...). There are gigantic boundary issues, and
it gets worse. >>>
Well this is clearly a more complex situation than I understood when I made
the loan suggestion, and the taking in borders suggestion. To be honest I
think waiting to get your daughter out of a situation that is not only
undermining unschooling, but is probably having a deleterious effect on your
relationship with your daughter and her personal growth, is a shame.
Daughter's needs for freedom outweigh grandmother's needs to be in charge in
my philosophy. My fear is that your mother can't be trusted to not be
undermining you constantly with your daughter. It could be making her
stressed and conflicted.
It may not be your house, but it is currently your home, and your income is
evidently making it possible for your mother to stay in her home. It may not
be your house, but your daughter is still legally and morally your
responsibility, not hers. If your mother can't treat you with respect as a
daughter, maybe she should treat you with respect as a guest. Or perhaps as
her employer - in a sense you are paying her to be a childcare provider.
I'm kinda hesitant to say this but I will anyway ;) - I suppose there is a
genuine and top priority reason why you aren't marrying sooner, like at
once? What is magic about January to move, instead of, say, tomorrow.
<<<<We used to have a good relationship, but between all the stuff she's
dealing with emotionally and us living on top of each other it has become
impossible to maintain a well-defined relationship. I have often thought
that maybe things would be different if I had my own place. Even if she
eventually moved in, it would be "MY" place, and perhaps I would have more
of a backbone when it comes to finances, house, child, etc... >>>>
I'm a pessimist about people changing emotionally and spiritually when there
is no internal reason for doing so. I bet she would be exactly the same,
except that she might call her interference "advice". Chances are you would
feel even more put upon because it is your house. But as I said, I'm a
pessimist.
Would your mother do any reading about respectful parenting or unschooling?
I have had some success with my mother sending her articles from the kind of
sources on the internet she respects about different issues. She may
continue to disagree, but at least she knows I am not just making this stuff
up out of the air.
Robyn L. Coburn
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that I would be responsible for and unable to pay while paying rent, etc...
Additionally, I don't want any legal troubles with my father since the house
is in his name and her name. He is currently incarcerated and when he gets
out my mom plans on divorcing him. I don't want him suing me because I
signed for a loan etc... Lastly, I will be getting married in about a year
and do not want to take anymore debt into my marriage than I already have.
I don't think that's fair to do to my fiancee.
[snip] My daughter is with my mom right now. I don't know what I will do
when I move. I am not sure my mom is "healthy" for her to be with anymore,
and I don't know if I can afford child care while I am working.
[snip] mom has a hard time seeing me as an adult too, and I feel like a kid
being ordered around by her all the time. I have even begun to feel like I
have no say in my daughter's life and care. Nothing I ever do is "right" or
"good". There is always something wrong ro missing that is all my
responsibility according to mom (i.e. I feed Bekka too much corn and peas
which makes her overweight - but never mind my mom feeds her bologna and
hotdogs for lunch all the time...). There are gigantic boundary issues, and
it gets worse. >>>
Well this is clearly a more complex situation than I understood when I made
the loan suggestion, and the taking in borders suggestion. To be honest I
think waiting to get your daughter out of a situation that is not only
undermining unschooling, but is probably having a deleterious effect on your
relationship with your daughter and her personal growth, is a shame.
Daughter's needs for freedom outweigh grandmother's needs to be in charge in
my philosophy. My fear is that your mother can't be trusted to not be
undermining you constantly with your daughter. It could be making her
stressed and conflicted.
It may not be your house, but it is currently your home, and your income is
evidently making it possible for your mother to stay in her home. It may not
be your house, but your daughter is still legally and morally your
responsibility, not hers. If your mother can't treat you with respect as a
daughter, maybe she should treat you with respect as a guest. Or perhaps as
her employer - in a sense you are paying her to be a childcare provider.
I'm kinda hesitant to say this but I will anyway ;) - I suppose there is a
genuine and top priority reason why you aren't marrying sooner, like at
once? What is magic about January to move, instead of, say, tomorrow.
<<<<We used to have a good relationship, but between all the stuff she's
dealing with emotionally and us living on top of each other it has become
impossible to maintain a well-defined relationship. I have often thought
that maybe things would be different if I had my own place. Even if she
eventually moved in, it would be "MY" place, and perhaps I would have more
of a backbone when it comes to finances, house, child, etc... >>>>
I'm a pessimist about people changing emotionally and spiritually when there
is no internal reason for doing so. I bet she would be exactly the same,
except that she might call her interference "advice". Chances are you would
feel even more put upon because it is your house. But as I said, I'm a
pessimist.
Would your mother do any reading about respectful parenting or unschooling?
I have had some success with my mother sending her articles from the kind of
sources on the internet she respects about different issues. She may
continue to disagree, but at least she knows I am not just making this stuff
up out of the air.
Robyn L. Coburn
---
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Lisa M. Cottrell Bentley
> We have paths through all her stuff (which I have tried to clean but she refuses because she claims SHE needs to go through it all).With all that stuff, you could probably quit your job and spend time
>
selling it all on ebay and make some good money for quite a while.
Spend your afternoons holding up objects for your Mom to say "sell",
"give to so-and-so", etc. Maybe a live auction if you don't want to
sort it yourself? If your Mom understands the financial situation
properly, she might be game for something like this (and she would feel
like she is contributing!).
-Lisa in AZ
Elizabeth Hill
**We have paths through all her stuff (which I have tried to clean but
she refuses because she claims SHE needs to go through it all). **
There was a Dr. Phil episode aired this summer about a family dealing
with a grandma with a hording OCD behavior. It looked unbearably hard
to deal with. On the drphil.com website there might be resources and
discussion about this topic (linked to this episode).
It seems that people who keep really broken down trash have something
going on in their brains that impairs their judgement. Likely, it is
not possible to reason with them. So, please don't blame yourself when
your mom won't let you help.
Best wishes,
Betsy
she refuses because she claims SHE needs to go through it all). **
There was a Dr. Phil episode aired this summer about a family dealing
with a grandma with a hording OCD behavior. It looked unbearably hard
to deal with. On the drphil.com website there might be resources and
discussion about this topic (linked to this episode).
It seems that people who keep really broken down trash have something
going on in their brains that impairs their judgement. Likely, it is
not possible to reason with them. So, please don't blame yourself when
your mom won't let you help.
Best wishes,
Betsy