Andy Holly Clarke

strangely enough, but your description sounds like how i feel when i am
attempting to be social.

i think part of it for me is that i feel judged by everyone around me...
maybe you feel judged by your children (some comments you made sound that
way.)

maybe if you can think of how i can feel free and secure around people, i
can think of how you can feel free and secure playing with your kids.

holly

----- Original Message -----
From: "Heather Hall" <Heatherette@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, August 01, 2004 4:54 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Digest Number 4817


> > You don't like general suggestions about changing your thinking?
> >
> > You don't like discussion of thinking patterns and priorities?
> It's not so much that I don't like generalities, more like I am going in
> circles and I can't figure out how to get off the merry go round.
> Generalities seem to make the merry go round go faster. I have been
reading
> here and nodding and absorbing and thinking, I can do that! Then one
thing
> goes wrong and the next thing you know I'm hiding under the basements
stairs
> until I can be calm enough to be in the same room with my kids and feel
> safe. A lot of this is trying not to repeat patterns. So I am going to
try
> to figure out more specifically what it is I am looking for.
>
> Ok, so I went and read a bunch of the links you sent. Right now I feel
like
> having a great big pity party all by myself. I want to run and hide. I
> feel like the biggest failure in the world. Now that I have that behind
me,
> I need to figure out what to do instead. Since I had my second child my
> parenting goals have been very simple. My very basic goal was to not hit
my
> kids. The others all seem like easy to me like providing organic food,
only
> using non toxic stuff in my house, read to them, make sure they get to
call
> their grandmas often enough to have a clue who they are.
> That just isn't enough anymore. It seems like one of the biggest
obstacles
> for me is play.
>
> Seems like so many people say to me, just get down and play with them.
> Follow their lead. It sounds so easy, and often they are looking me in
the
> eye like, why is that so hard? To me, it's like instant panic. I want to
> pull up a corner of the carpet and get under it and hide! Obviously I am
> working with some serious leftovers that are effecting my parenting. I am
> working really hard on it. However, I still have these awesome kids that
I
> love and desperately want to give a better start. What do I do in the
> meantime to cope? I don't want to give up. Like I said before, the
> afternoon is the hardest, so I make my plans accordingly - no changes
during
> those times to stress me more. Ideally we can either be home then, or
> somewhere where we can stay put that is low key or contained enough that I
> am not worried about chasing Crispin down every 5 seconds.
>
> I feel like I am whining. I don't want to be whining, but I am just
> drowning. I am surrounded by awesome attachment parenting mamas who make
it
> look easy. And they spend all day with their kids! My husband has mine a
> lot of the time. I feel so hopeless about being able to keep them home.
I'm
> not willing to give up but I am just aching and sinking. I am treating my
> kids very much like I was treated minus the hitting. It is killing me. I
> just don't know how to interact with them like I think I am supposed to,
or
> at least want to. I was a barely seen *never* heard kid without siblings
or
> neighborhood kids that were 'acceptable' playmates. My kids have tons of
> friends to play with but we have to drive to them - which we do regularly.
> It's the play with mommy part - sigh. I just never interacted with anyone
> that way. It's almost like I get scared right away at the thought. I
> literally sink in my chair and pull my shirt over my head sometimes. Has
> anyone else remotely felt like this? I feel so guilty like my kids are
just
> going to hate me for screwing them up. I wanted to be a cool mom that my
> kids really like. My kids *do* like me, but the nasty little voice in my
> head says it's just because they don't know any different. Eventually
they
> will figure out what they are missing like I did.
>
> This doesn't have to be so hard!!! I've got books, websites, people. The
> answer isn't there, it's in me. I keep asking anyway because I hope that
> something will turn on a light bulb.
> --
> Heather, mom to
> Harriet 12.15.99
> Crispin 01.25.02
> heatherette@...
>
>
>
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